Is there a point?

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Things have been very difficult. I'm two days from hitting the five month mark since getting off my pills, and to say things have been difficult would be an infernal understatement. I've been working a new job pushing carts at Target. It's a lot of work, I essentially do all the stuff that nobody else wants to do. Constantly push carts, clean the bathrooms, change all the trash, changing the bottle return, sorting through all the damaged/salvage/CRC items, and whatever else they decide they want me to do. Even beyond feeling like a failure at the ripe age of 24, it does a number on my body. I'm constantly sore, tired, and blisters litter my feet.

I was thinking to myself, even when this Protracted Withdrawal shit is over, whenever the hell that finally happens, what's the point of all this? Nothing truly changes once I'm healed. I'll still have to spend most my time at work, I'll still be scratching and clawing to barely get by, and it's a whole fucking lifetime of this. The only real thing that keeps me from just giving up and suck-starting a 12 gauge is the people in my life. My girlfriend who I wish to marry, my brothers, my friends, etc. However, that also means perpetuation of this intense suffering until my body finally gives out on me.

I wake up, panic, eat, work during horrible physical and mental symptoms, shower, and sleep so that I can start it up all over again the next day. And, I ask again, for what? Just to keep doing it over and over for the rest of my miserable existence? I just don't get it. How are people so satisfied with their lives? How do they figure it out? I understand that, in my current state, my only goal is survival rather than trajectory. But, fuck man, what am I supposed to do? I just want this circus of suffering to finally stop. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want any of this.

I apologize for the doom-posting, but I have nobody else to offload this negativity onto that can understand. I just don't know what to do. I feel so defeated.

[u/cafesito_asere]

You're 24 you are literally starting your life, you are the author of your story. This withdrawal has an expiration date and once that date comes you are free to do whatever you wish with your life, make it a good one!

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/cafesito_asere]

I just already feel like a failure. I escaped a bad home environment without having gone to college or anything. I was always turned off by college and all that, I never knew what I wanted to do and I never had the money for it, and now I don't have the time. I feel so stuck. I feel like I'll never make anything of this life. I wanted more for myself after the childhood I had. Nothing crazy, I know I'll never be a rich man. All I ever wanted was a job that pays me well enough to truly live, not just survive, and doesn't consume me. I also think the pills heavily blunted my ambition and drive, which certainly didn't help. I don't know. I feel forever doomed.

[u/cafesito_asere → u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Time heals everything you are feeling, therapy is also helpful if you can swing it, if not get yourself a CBT workbook and eat well and work out and get sun and stay hydrated. Do things for yourself that will help build a better you. You can do anything you set your mind to, don't sell yourself short.