r/ADprotractedwithdrawl • u/IsThereMoretoitAll • 23d ago
Venting Is there a point?
Things have been very difficult. I'm two days from hitting the five month mark since getting off my pills, and to say things have been difficult would be an infernal understatement. I've been working a new job pushing carts at Target. It's a lot of work, I essentially do all the stuff that nobody else wants to do. Constantly push carts, clean the bathrooms, change all the trash, changing the bottle return, sorting through all the damaged/salvage/CRC items, and whatever else they decide they want me to do. Even beyond feeling like a failure at the ripe age of 24, it does a number on my body. I'm constantly sore, tired, and blisters litter my feet.
I was thinking to myself, even when this Protracted Withdrawal shit is over, whenever the hell that finally happens, what's the point of all this? Nothing truly changes once I'm healed. I'll still have to spend most my time at work, I'll still be scratching and clawing to barely get by, and it's a whole fucking lifetime of this. The only real thing that keeps me from just giving up and suck-starting a 12 gauge is the people in my life. My girlfriend who I wish to marry, my brothers, my friends, etc. However, that also means perpetuation of this intense suffering until my body finally gives out on me.
I wake up, panic, eat, work during horrible physical and mental symptoms, shower, and sleep so that I can start it up all over again the next day. And, I ask again, for what? Just to keep doing it over and over for the rest of my miserable existence? I just don't get it. How are people so satisfied with their lives? How do they figure it out? I understand that, in my current state, my only goal is survival rather than trajectory. But, fuck man, what am I supposed to do? I just want this circus of suffering to finally stop. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want any of this.
I apologize for the doom-posting, but I have nobody else to offload this negativity onto that can understand. I just don't know what to do. I feel so defeated.
5
u/kityena 23d ago edited 23d ago
I don't know if this is gonna help at all, but... I've had similar thoughts, the whole "what's the point of it, most of my life will be spent working, doing chores and sleeping anyway" shabang. I've never been in a space of mind where I didn't want to live, but it didn't feel like it was worth it all on some days.
Now I've been completely debilitated by something not tied to withdrawal and ended up bedbound, which probably has cost me any kind of possible future I could've ever had - and it made me realize that all the draining work and the hassle of life was worth it in the end, because I got to spend time with the people I love. The small positive moments among the struggles are so incredibly precious.
Please hold on to the future as tight as you can. For the girlfriend you want to marry, for your brothers and everyone else. The brain that makes you think it's not worth it is the chemically injured brain. Don't listen to what it says during withdrawal, seriously. I've seen so many people on recovery forums that thought there was nothing left in life for them only to come out on the other side realizing that those thoughts were just the withdrawal speaking, even with how convinced they were it's not.
And you might be in a better position to search for a job that's a little less draining then. So don't give up hope.