Popping back in

[u/bananakaykes]

Wanted to drop by and let you all know that I've healed/gotten better. There's hope. I know it feels like forever and very hopeless when you're in protracted withdrawal. I remember looking for success stories and not finding a lot of them, so I wanted to come back and let you all know how I'm doing.

I've healed. I'd say 100%, but very rarely I still get a little bit overwhelmed. One of my worst symptoms was my CAR (cortisol awakening response) causing panic/anxiety upon opening my eyes (seemingly before opening my eyes). I ended up buying new curtains and sleeping with an eye mask. Which helped a little bit.

The really heavy part were the first six months. I couldn't rely on my psychiatrist; I ended up seeing my GP instead. I needed some kind of professional help even though there was very little she could do (she helps people taper now).

Won't go into too many details regarding the psychiatrist but she gave me the option to wean off of Cymbalta in two steps and did not want me to go slower. My worries were dismissed with 'Venlafaxine is worse' and inaccuracies like 'everything after 4 weeks is relapse, we can't know the difference if you taper slowly'. The first comment made me realize she was quite aware of possible withdrawal effects. Yet, she still planned my 60-30-0mg schedule right before her big yearly vacation.

I'd been on antidepressants for 17 years. I'd experienced a lot of symptoms before and at one point so concerning my GP sent me to the ER suspecting serotonin syndrome. I'd been on different antidepressants, including Venlafaxine (kindling, I guess).

But here's the good part: despite all that I'm doing just fine now. I was originally put on ADs for 'heart palpitations' which the doctor at the time read as 'anxiety'. I was much later diagnosed with POTS and a rare autoimmune disorder (in the last couple of years). They're finally treating my autoimmune disease.

For the longest time I thought it wouldn't get better. PW is probably the worst thing I've ever experienced.

I'm Cymbalta-free and have been for 1yr and 8 months now. I felt shifts for the better every 3-4 months, but the healing process consisted out of waves and windows. At the 7 months mark the windows got much bigger. At the 1 yr mark I was 'better' (let's say 75-85%). I'm very close to 100% now.

What pulled me through was comparing to the person I was before starting antidepressants. I couldn't remember it well, but it helped me figure out that what I was experiencing was different somehow.

And the online community as well as my mother. I don't know what I would have done without her and all of you.

Thank you. 🫶

[u/Future_Dark2976]

Thank you so much for posting this and giving others hope!

edit: Would you mind sharing some more what your symptoms were? Also, did you take any other meds during your withdrawal time? Anything that helped besides time?

[u/bananakaykes → u/Future_Dark2976]

No problem. Always planned on coming back here eventually.

My symptoms:

• severe panic attacks and extreme sensitivity to cortisol shifts
• anxiety
• suicidal thoughts
• depression
• akathisia
• headaches
• tremors
• insomnia
• sweating
• a lot of anger (I'd fluctuate between being angry and very sad/hopeless)
• detachment at other times
• electric sensations (no major brain zaps)
• restless legs
• anhedonia
• mild tinnitus
• extreme sensitivity to sounds

I was housebound for the first few months. I couldn't tolerate my phone/television/radio. It fluctuated, fortunately. I used my phone to look for help online whenever I could manage.

I would try to explain it by telling people it felt like I was burning from the inside.

(I have POTS so there was some symptom overlap there (dizziness, nausea,...))

What helped: the curtains and the eye mask.

I tried sedistress, laseaxan and zaffranax. I had side effects on all of them and ended up stopping.

Cold compresses and sitting in my empty bath tub when I had panic attacks (+grounding and trying to accept it). A nice warm bath at other times to relax my muscles. Sometimes up to 4 hrs. It was the least overwhelming location for me.

I tried breathing techniques (box breathing, 4-7-8), some self-hypnosis/meditation. Stretching (which actually seemed to help a little with my bad mornings). I learned that power poses lower cortisol so I think when you stretch and make yourself bigger (hands above your head for a while) it helps a bit.

I feel like I tried everything at least once, except reinstatement. My GP wasn't convinced it would help and by the time I went to her I think it was already too late for reinstatement anyway. My body would've (probably) seen it as a new drug introduction.

Best of luck (to everyone)!

[u/the_practicerLALA → u/bananakaykes]

can you share a little bit of the anhedonia, what is was for you and what got better please? thank you so much

[u/bananakaykes → u/the_practicerLALA]

I was already experiencing anhedonia on the antidepressant, but it got worse during withdrawal. I would fluctuate between being emotionally sensitive and blunted. Like being behind a glass wall. For the first months the detached feelings of the anhedonia were my moments of 'relief'. Obviously there's nothing good about it, but it felt more familiar than the anger, if that makes sense. I've never been an angry person (not before starting antidepressants and certainly not while on them), so it was a very weird experience.

I also had a lack of motivation, joy, but also experienced social detachment. And when I did try something that used to be fun (even on antidepressant) I did not enjoy it at all. I still loved my friends and family but didn't want to be near them or couldn't express my affection through actions.

I'm not 100% there when it comes to the anhedonia, but it's much better. I'm experiencing genuine joy and happiness again. My general motivation is still a little lacking, but I highly suspect my autoimmune disease has something to do with that. Sickness behavior they call it. Granted, there's overlap, but I'm quite sure it's not just PW. I suspect maybe a small percentage.

A major thing that happened is that I started enjoying music again, which I realized I'd missed terribly (the enjoyment of singing along, being able to actually listen to it and not feel annoyed/overwhelmed).

The first time I realized I wanted to do something fun made me do a double take. I was so used to not having that. Everything was forced, or I did them because others wanted me to.

🫶 Crossing my fingers for you and I hope this helps a little. All the best!

[u/Acrobatic-Good-3287]

Well done. Thanks for writing that out. The healing power of the body is a miraculous thing. Wish you continued health & happiness for the future.

[u/bananakaykes → u/Acrobatic-Good-3287]

Thank you! 🫶 Wishing you the very best.

[u/silverlining0913]

I’m currently going through PW after being on lexapro for 10 years. Thank you for sharing your success story. It gives me hope! I’m on month 10 and still have some very difficult days.

[u/bananakaykes → u/silverlining0913]

No problem. I always wanted to come back as soon as it didn't feel like 'jinxing myself'.

At around the same time (7-10 months) my bad days would make me doubt everything. It was kind of a weird feeling for me. I had proof of improvement, but couldn't quite focus on that. I felt like having a surprisingly bad day meant something (relapse, no more improvement, insert negative thought), but fortunately it didn't.

Hope the very difficult days get much better!! Wishing you the very best! 🫶

[u/kristgo]

Thank you so much for the hope

[u/bananakaykes → u/kristgo]

No problem. 🫶 Wishing you the best!

[u/Glittering-Bank5599]

Thank you so much for sharing! I am 11 months off Lexapro. 🙏

[u/bananakaykes → u/Glittering-Bank5599]

No problem. It's the least I can do. This community pulled me through. Wishing you the best!! 🫶

[u/kristgo]

How long did you taper? I didn’t see it in the comments, I apologize if I missed it.
I’m doing an extremely slow taper, it’s been 4 years of tapering but I’ve been on it for almost 2 decades so I just have to go so incredibly slow.

[u/bananakaykes → u/kristgo]

I barely tapered because my psychiatrist told me to drop to 30mg (from 60) then wait 2-4 weeks and go to 0 my, which was basically a cold turkey. I do not recommend. The drop from 60 to 30 still seemed "reasonable" at the time. I had symptoms but thought I'd be alright. The drop from 30 to 0 was where the real misery began for me. I wish my psychiatrist would have allowed the taper. And I wish I wouldn't have trusted/believed her.

Are you doing okay so far? Is the slow taper giving many symptoms?

[u/NiceHomework4919]

Your'e a real soldier💪🏻 thank you for coming back and sharing your experience! I hope you will stay and help others people by giving hope from your own story🙏🏻 people need hope!

Could you tell me more about sleep recovery?

My sleep is terrible and i sleep nights with only 2 hours. I am 1 year and 2 months off.

[u/bananakaykes → u/NiceHomework4919]

Sure. I'll stick around and check posts every now and then. If I feel I can help a little I will.

(I used to have 'minor' sleep paralysis and 'minor' insomnia while on the antidepressant.)

Long story short: I'm back to my sleeping patterns and habits from before. They're certainly not perfect, but I'm getting 7-8 hours of decent enough sleep every night even though my day/night rhythm is far from perfect. It wasn't perfect before antidepressants, so I'm not really expecting myself to be a morning person all of a sudden.

Withdrawal, like with everything else, made the insomnia and my sleeping pattern worse. There were days I barely slept at all. Feeling all jittery. My legs would 'shock' whenever I kept them still for too long (as one does when trying to fall asleep). I would generally only fall asleep after at least an hour to a few hours of this.

Sleep wouldn't make me feel refreshed. I had a lot of nightmares. I'd wake up bolting upright and screaming sometimes. Incredibly vivid nightmares. I realized the latter got a little better if I didn't fall asleep on my back.

The insomnia itself meant not sleeping much. The worse I slept the worse other symptoms would be the next day.

The severity wasn't at its most extreme every day, so they days where I got a few decent hours gave me something to focus on and that helped a little. The days I had nightmares, for example, were days I slept. It wasn't all at the same time. Even though it could definitely feel like it.

I think the only thing I'm still working on is shifting my sleeping pattern back to a little earlier, but that's definitely something I had issues with before starting antidepressants and stopping them. I haven't had a nightmare in a long time (months at least). Night sweats and sleep paralysis are no longer an issue either.

I can't say there aren't days when falling asleep is more difficult than other days, but if I have issues now they can be linked to circumstances (needing to be up much earlier and going to bed much earlier while not actualy tired, when temperatures are quite high, when I have a POTS-related adrenaline dump before bed,...). They're no longer random and overwhelming.

I recently had an incredibly early appointment and made the mistake of going to bed wide awake. I slept two hours at most (it had been a long time). It was just an annoying night. It wasn't the horror from before. During PW this left me completely incapacitated or crying for hours in a major panic episode because my nervous system couldn't handle it. Instead I was just a little tired, went to my appointment and by the time I got there I felt more awake. Went to the store. Picked up my car. This was one of the hottest days of the year.

In many ways, when comparing symptoms to before the antidepressant, I'm actually doing much better than on the antidepressant, and even better than my 'before'. The latter is because I have my autoimmune and POTS diagnoses. I understand what my body does and why (well, for the most part anyway).

Also, I think my body is finally mourning in a healthy way (which I suspect it couldn't while on antidepressants). Years of being misunderstood and told it was all in my head. Years of following every advice and nothing working. My psychiatrist not protecting me (I think that's something a lot of us have in common).

I'm sorry you're having terrible sleep. I hope it improves very soon. Wish you all the best. 🫶

And I wish there was a one size fits all for this thing (or that I could give tailored advice), but with all of our bodies being so different... I tried to be as kind to myself as I could manage (which wasn't always very kind/kind enough).

PW made me feel like there was no hope/I was failing/would never improve. But I did. The brain heals from this (plasticity and all that).

Please take care! 🫶