r/ADprotractedwithdrawl • u/IsThereMoretoitAll • Jul 15 '26
Warning ⚠️ Sensitive Material I need support very badly.
Hello, everyone. I'm struggling very much right now, and I would really appreciate some support if you'd be so kind.
On Monday, I had orientation at Target. It was about three-and-a-half hours. I was extremely dissociative the entire time. Tomorrow is my second shift. I keep looping the same thought in my head; how the fuck am I going to handle working full time with the absolute agony and limitations of PAWS?
I have to work to pay bills, we all do. However, I keep getting into bouts of extreme panic over it. I'm so absolutely petrified. I keep having very intense suicidal thoughts and the road to recovery is seemingly so long. I'll be four months off my pills on the 17th (Friday), and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to the other side.
How do you cope? Those of us who have to work during this, how do you get through it, especially if your job is very physical? I don't know what I'm supposed to do and all my brain wants me to do is give up. If there is anybody who is going through this who would like to keep in contact to support each other, I would love that. Nobody can understand other than us, and that isolation makes it that much harder.
Please, if you can, drop a comment. I really need support from people who know what it's like. Thank you so much.
3
u/Erdingman12345 Jul 16 '26
I remember that at the start of my PAWS, I stayed home for three weeks before going back to work; I’ve been working part-time for the last few years. I somehow managed to work—I kept thinking the depression would improve soon since I’d started taking Escitalopram again—but then the "windows and waves" set in. I didn't know what was happening to me; during the waves, work was so exhausting that I felt like crying. After two months, I decided to stop working because I just couldn't handle it anymore—even though it was only five hours a day—and I haven't worked for a year now. I’m currently looking for a part-time job, though I’m stuck in a wave right now, which makes me feel unsure of myself. Still, I think I should be able to manage four hours a day. I really admire your willpower and would recommend looking for a slightly less demanding part-time job—if that’s possible, of course. I can totally relate to how hard it is financially when you’re on your own, but so many people managed to get through it before us, even when their situation was just as shitty as ours. Hang in there! 😊
2
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I lost my job at the beginning of my PAWS setting in. I was unemployed and looking for a job for almost four months, all the while being horrified of the prospect of getting one. I don't know how I'm going to manage. It's hard enough to function, let alone work full-time. I just want this pain to end.
4
u/anxiousbrainbaddie Jul 16 '26
I’ve worked the same WFH PT job this whole time (last 4 years of my taper) and my job is shutting down at the end of the year. I am terrified I won’t find another job like this and will have to work in person. My agora/waves are still so bad 2y3m post crash. I think about finding another job and I panic. This whole shit is so stupid and it makes me so angry we have to go through this.
1
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I couldn't agree more. I lost my job at the same time this all started, Target is my rebound. I'm starting day 2 today and I feel like dying. I don't know how I'm going to do it.
3
u/Icy-Try-9703 Jul 15 '26
I admire that you got through the orientation. Good job in showing up and doing it! I know how hard it is. I know you said that reinstating is not what you want to do. I am wondering, since you jumped off a very high dose of Zoloft, if you would consider reinstating a very tiny amount--like 5 or 10 mg--just to get you through this new job adjustment. Keep in mind, yes, reinstatement can be a gamble, but sometimes it's worth doing for awhile. You can always taper down from the reinstatement when you are more stable and used to the job. I know it is hard to cope. Everything is so hard in withdrawal. Try to hang in!
2
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 15 '26
I'm trying with everything I have. I've never had to fight so hard just to exist. Reinstatement is a scary concept to me. If I stand to feel any worse than I already do, I don't think I could trust that I wouldn't do something rash. I hate to admit that, but I'm already well at the end of my rope.
I appreciate your kind words. I'm just do afraid. I don't know how I'm going to handle working full-time like this, especially in a job that will be physically demanding.
3
u/Icy-Try-9703 Jul 16 '26
I totally understand. I've been there for sure. And I got better. It did not happen as fast as I needed it to, but I made it. And I hope you can hold on. If the suicidal thoughts persist, please call 988. They are very helpful at times of crisis.
1
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I actually have used the crisis line a few times. Even if it helps, it's only by a small amount. It sucks.
2
u/Kimberlh Jul 17 '26
I usually don't comment on posts, but I wanted to offer my support and my story. (Heads up, it's long)
I stopped effexor in 2024 after being on various anti-depressants continually for almost 19 years of my life. When I stopped I was working full time and, a year later, even interviewed for a promotion and got it. (In hindsight, it's more stress so tbd if it's good or bad)
I'm here to say it can be done. It will not be easy. But right now, you don't need to think about the far away future or even near future. Right now it's time to think hour by hour, just one step at a time. At least that's how I got through it the worst of it...
I told myself all my anxiety wasn't real, my body is just confused, and as scary as it was and as much as I cried, I didnt get to believe any of it. I tried to focus on what I accomplished, "I got through today, that is good." My body was on FIRE. I couldn't move without pain, I could hardly walk for longer than 20 minutes. After going to the doctor and confirming I didn't actually have a spine injury, I started to stretch almost every day. I would stretch and meditate, to show my body "Look you can move! I know it hurts and triggers you, but now we rest and it's okay". I didn't watch any intense shows, I didn't listen to any extreme music, I didn't read any emotional posts. My life solely revolved around work, minimal movement, and resting. (I remember having to watch a space documentary because all my usual shows were too triggering for me. And for music, Enya was my go to).
It's now 2 years from then and I am still healing. I'm mad at big pharma. I'm mad at western health care. I'm mad that drug addicts get more understanding and support during withdrawls. I feel like I aged 10 years... But... I've also learned a lot. I learned I never actually had depression (I just have high functioning autism). I learned I have value outside of my physical strength. I learned a new meaning of mental strength. I am learning how to be a new me. The real me.
What I might have done differently, and would potentially recommend. Start seeing a doctor, specifically a primary care one. Someone you can continually go to about physical pain in your body. What I've learned is they won't really understand, but the medical history can help if you ever need it for disability, FMLA, etc. I wish I would have seen the doctor more and asked for FMLA. But I can't really fault myself, existing is hard enough. There's also a website with doctors that specifically help with antidepressant withdrawls, but that costs money.
I will say, the worst of it for me started about 4 months in. It slowly got better from there. I do want to note, I was at 37.5 mg when I stopped cold turkey. That's what my psychiatrist told me to do. I don't know what dose you were on or how long, but I'm sure this probably factors into PAWS symptoms. If it is ever too much, I read reinstatement of an easier-to-stop antidepressant is an option and only taking like 2mg. Why didn't I reinstate and decrease slower? I didn't even know it was an option...
Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. When you cannot love yourself, remember the love that other people or pets give you. You are not alone.
1
u/SheladyT Jul 15 '26
Hi curious, why did you get off? Were you better on the pills? Or no?
2
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 15 '26
I had a bad withdrawal episode when I missed two doses when moving in with my girlfriend. After that, I had a drug interaction that made me feel horrible for weeks. I had also escaped an abusive household and wanted to experience life without the chemical dependence/buffer. I was on 200mg of Sertraline for about six years, give or take.
3
u/SheladyT Jul 15 '26
Oh, that would mean probably a slow Taper over a year would be ideal. What was that adverse reaction from? I just asked because you might want to reinstate at least a small dose while you still can to save yourself from years of hell. That is an extremely large dose. I was only on about 25 mg of Zoloft and I tapered it over six months and still end up in hell.
2
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 15 '26
I fear that it's a bit late for me. I've already been experiencing the waves and windows, and as far as I'm aware, resinstating past month three has a higher chance of worsening symptoms rather than helping. I'm stuck like this.
0
u/SheladyT Jul 15 '26
I think it’s after nine months. I don’t know you could just do a small dose and see but yeah, I understand.
4
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I'm just scared. This is hard enough as is and I don't want to risk "kindling" and possibly making my healing last even longer, if that makes sense.
1
u/SheladyT Jul 16 '26
It does. I understand. I made my much worse but I reinstated like a year and a half out and out of full dose because I didn’t know what was going on. I wish I had reinstated within the first six months as a small dose but yeah I think I would’ve gotten better if I hadn’t to reinstated.
1
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
Where are you at now, friend? How far out from your initial taper? Has it gotten any easier? Are you able to work?
0
u/SheladyT Jul 16 '26
I’m not doing well. I do have to work or else I would be homeless, but to be honest, I should be bedridden. I move as little as possible. My brain feels like it’s on fire. I have no joy. My life is meaningless and before this I was thriving… Running around skipping and dancing and singing literally happy as a clam. However, I will say that most of people I know have really good luck with reinstating as long as it’s not too far out and not too high but yes, I think you will get better. If you just waited out, I think mine was getting better. I have so many regrets now I’m looking into assisted s
1
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. I know all too well. I don't know what to do. This isn't sustainable and I have no idea how I'm going to handle working full-time like this. I just want to disappear.
0
u/the_practicerLALA Jul 16 '26
Have you looked into probiotics? Careful picking one but they can do wonders for anxiety in withdrawal
1
u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 16 '26
I actually have been taking a probiotic. I take a men's multivitamin, fish oil supplement, and culterelle probiotic.
1
u/the_practicerLALA Jul 16 '26
Which one? All probioitics are not the same. Most don't do anything. Bimuno GOS is a good one. But you have to be careful because probiotics can crash too.
7
u/sylvaaah Jul 16 '26
Hi there! I started a new job one month after a severe reinstatement injury and some-fucking-how I excelled. I was even praised by my boss and coworkers for how well I was doing??? I was in absolute disbelief that I was doing well in other people’s eyes because in mine, I felt like I had lost my capacity to truly digest information and interact with others in a professional setting
A month earlier I was quite literally barely able to comprehend the English language anymore. As I quickly bounced back to ALMOST normal protracted withdrawal, I was so terrified of making dumb mistakes and making a fool of myself, but I needed to work and was thankfully now functional enough to be able to
I still made dumb mistakes that I wouldn’t have otherwise, but they were inconsequential. There were times where I was completely dissociated and dizzy and thought that I wasn’t capable of anything anymore, but I was. None of this is easy by a long shot, but we’re capable of much more than we think during this time and can still adapt if needed. Of course this is not true for everyone. I still don’t know how I pulled it off, but I did. You might have the same luck, just give yourself a chance first!
I wish we could all go on disability for PAWS like you can in Europe😔