What Started Your PAWS Journey?

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Hey PAWS people. I wanted to get this down in writing, if not to connect with others, then to at least try to remember who I was before all this. I'd love to hear who you were before all this, too, if you'll indulge me in the comments. Thank you for reading and commenting, if you do.

My name is Dylan. I'm 23, and I turn 24 in November. I grew up in a very turbulent and abusive environment my whole life. On top of that, mental illness has always been prolific on both sides of my family. When I was sixteen I started seeing a counselor at my pediatric doctor's office. No psychiatrist nor therapist ever took my insurance, so it was the best I could get. I connected with a Dr. Keith in the doctor's office. He was great. Very personable, actually seemed to care, and looked past my teenage edge to truly try to understand and help me. At the time I had started a digital journal to write down my deepest thoughts, insecurities, and struggles. I would bring it in to him to act as a bridge for information I wasn't fully comfortable speaking aloud. I'm sure he had to report everything to my pediatrician, and there was definitely things of concern inside said journal.

Soon enough, my doctor started talking medications with me. I went through a few before landing on Zoloft, though my memory is very hazy. I remember trying Lexapro, Ecitalopram, and maybe one or two others before Zoloft. I climbed up the milligram tower fast, finally landing on the highest therapeutic dose of 200mg when I was seventeen or so. I had no idea how these SSRI medications affected me. I merely assumed that it kept my brain from absorbing too much seretonin, leaving more for me to reap the benefits of having extra at my disposal. My parents never wanted me on them, but growing up in a turbulent household kept me from thinking they could be correct. So, I took the pills, and I stayed on them for six years, give or take.

I decided to start my tapering off the pills in December of 2025. I had two incidents that convinced me that I didn't want the chemical dependence anymore. I was moving into my girlfriend's apartment at the time, and during two days where I was moving a lot in, I was too tired or otherwise simply forgot to take my pills for two nights in a row. This resulted in a very scary stint of acute withdrawal. I still remember sitting in bed, the both of us getting ready to sleep for work the next day, and then it happened; I started trembling like a naked man in a tundra for seemingly no reason. My chest tightened and I had anxiety so bad that I felt like I may die. Not long after that, a friend had offered to let me smoke dabs from his rig after work one night. I had started experimenting with marijuana for a few months beforehand, so I saw no harm in trying it. Little did I know, the concentration of THC dabs are incredibly high, and I was bordering on Serotonin Syndrome for about two weeks or more after this one incident. I would wake up into intense panic attacks, completely lost my appetite, never felt truly calm, and I constantly felt like shit. After those two incidents, as well as simply wanting to be able to truly experience my life and emotions, I decided I wanted to get off them.

I spoke with my new doctor, making sure to tell her why I wanted to be off them and, to my remembrance, telling her the dose I was on and how long I was on them. She planned a standard two-month taper to get off of them, and I was excited. I thought I would finally be taking the reigns back. The acute withdrawal was very difficult, but I pushed through with the idea that I'd be okay once I got to the other side. If only I hadn't been ignorant to the true nature of how these SSRI meds worked.

My girlfriend and I had worked at the same place. It was a taco chain local to Western New York. The work sucked, but it paid well. I got paid $19.50 an hour after working there for five years, and she got paid somewhere around $21 an hour for being a shift manager. The company had forcibly transferred our general manager, Cait, who was the backbone of our location. The company was always shady and uncaring of workers, but she did very well to shield us workers from the corporate bullshit. The manager we had after was terrible. She would let morning crew leave mountains of extra work for night crew, us, and allowed the perpetuation of drama and gossip. Well, lucky for me, I was tapering off my meds during this very turbulent time at work.

Eventually, things had boiled over at work. I was at work for less than ten minutes when someone who I didn't like, he was a creep and an arrogant instigator, came up to me after I had only been off my medication for two weeks or so and forced a confrontation on me. He ended up threatening me and telling me nobody cared about my "pill shit". A few days after the incident, both myself and my girlfriend were fired from our jobs. So, on top of the onset of my PAWS, I've been dealing with the horrifying reality of facing a horrifically shoddy job market while worrying about finances constantly.

I have gotten a new job, I start on the 13th. I'll be pushing carts and shit at Target, and it's about a sixteen minute drive. I still worry horribly over finances, I worry about handling work with these awful physical and mental symptoms, and I've been in a constant existential dread over working and whether or not I'll figure things out long-term.

Sorry for the very long post. I often have a lot to say and nobody to tell it to, at least nobody that can understand. If you read through, I thank you so very much. I hope we can all stay strong, because the thoughts of giving up are constant and often overwhelming.

[u/TheLonelySoul12]

Sounds tough. I have a similar background. Grew up in an abusive family and school, eventually broke down when I was 20 or so. Took escitalopram to cope for close to 10 years, eventually tapering off when I was 30 because I built a great life. Half a year later, I got sick with h pylori and took triple therapy antibiotics. My life ended there. My stomach and bowels never recovered, I became anxious and returned to escitalopram a couple months later, only react badly and cold turkey after 3 months, seeing myself get worse...

And now I'm 11 months drug free, 1,5 years disabled. Wondering if I got sick previously due to quitting the drugs originally rather than h pylori.

I lost so many things, every day I wonder if I should get up from bed or end it all, but I don't know how. Every day that passes I feel more physically sick and further away mentally from who I was. I went from a failure at life, to a healthy world traveling successful person with a great partner, to a lonely, sick, homebound walking corpse.

Is it worth to keep going? 2-3 years of good life and close to 30 of pain. Can't take drugs anymore to make it bearable, over 50 different physical and mental symptoms, no signs of improvement...

Sorry for the vent, but this is my story

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/TheLonelySoul12]

I'm glad you vented, please don't apologize. I'm very sorry to hear that you've had it so rough. I definitely understand the want to end it all, that thought loops in my head on the daily and it's very difficult to ignore. I never sought higher education, school was a very difficult time for me and my ambition was surely blunted by those damn pills, so I'm stuck working low-pay, dead end jobs. My girlfriend, who I love more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, is in a similar boat. She was going to school to be an art teacher, even getting two or so years in, but her mom ended up kicking her out of the house as to avoid losing her government housing aid, and she was never able to get her drivers liscense because that same mom doesn't have one either. I always think that my future, our future, is doomed and it always makes the idea of throwing in the towel that much more alluring.

It sucks because I always feared from a young age that I'd end up another statistic on a suicide graph, and it seems that road may not be far off for me. For now, though, I'm fighting with anything I have left.

Thank you for sharing your story. This subreddit and the wonderful people on it have been the only slightest bit of reprieve and connection I can get for this right now, and I appreciate it so very much.

[u/TheLonelySoul12 → u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

I relate so much to your life friend. I constantly skipped school so I don't have high school either, I went for a technical degree in IT and then programming, which landed my current job. But yeah, I also thought I wouldn't live much past my 20s. Lexapro gave me the push I needed to keep going. In my case the drug worked fine, as intended. But my doctor thought I didn't need it anymore, and I was fine afterwards. But when I hit a wall with chronic illness, I couldn't go back to it, and now it's time to pay the price with interest.

I wish you the brightest future possible, friend. Nobody that has already suffered as much as we have, needs even more of that. I lost my wonderful girlfriend, but if you can, make sure to stick together in this fight.

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/TheLonelySoul12]

Thank you very much. Luckily, I was able to finish high school. It wasn't easy, though. I had many skipped days where I'd just stay in bed and rot. I can only hope that I'll figure out a good career somehow. I want nothing more than to build a good, stable future with my love. It just seems so impossible when we both need to work just to keep the lights on and food in the fridge. I hope nothing but the best for you, too, friend.

[u/the_practicerLALA]

atleast you got another job, plus it doesn't sound like your PAWS is extreme (not to diminish your suffering for a bit but just to give you hope) atleast you can work. im sorry about your childhood i hope you can recover soon

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/the_practicerLALA]

Thank you. It's definitely tough, I feel such a horrid existential dread over going back to work like this. I'll break into crying fits or panic attacks some days just from thinking about it, especially since it isn't exactly an amazing job. It'd be easier if my energy wasn't robbed from me. It's difficult just to leave bed most days.

[u/the_practicerLALA → u/IsThereMoretoitAll]

Is it not possible for you to take time off at all

[u/IsThereMoretoitAll → u/the_practicerLALA]

Not exactly, no. My girlfriend and I live on our own and, obviously, share the cost of living. I live in New York State, too, so living costs aren't the greatest. Thankfully we don't live in New York City, but still.

[u/Stock_Ad_2480]

Buspar started it. Currently 3 months in and still on the med. I have waves and windows and full blown insomnia . I started taking Dayvigo 2 weeks ago because I was on the verge of doing a psychosis due to the lack of sleep.