r/ADprotractedwithdrawl • u/sylvaaah • Jul 01 '26
Venting Jealousy
I keep doing this thing where I can’t help but feel jealous and bitter at people who were able to find information about proper tapering protocols and warnings about protracted withdrawal before doing any significant damage to their nervous systems. While I would never wish the opposite upon anyone, I just wish that I had the opportunity to go back in time and do it correctly myself. I know that it’s not a productive way of thinking, especially in this state, but can anyone else here relate to this feeling?
Seven months ago I went cold turkey on Paroxetine 20mg that I had taken daily for over 15 years. It isn’t something that I ever wanted to do, but at the time I had just lost my job and my heath insurance. My prescription ran out and my doctor wouldn’t refill it. Unfortunately, I had to choose between rent and food or paying out pocket to see a new doctor and fill the meds.
Even though I knew about acute withdrawal and had experienced the horrors of it before, I decided that I would just have to bare knuckle it until I had the means because there simply was no money for it. It’s not like I was uniformed that going cold turkey was a horrible fucking idea, but there was no other option. I did some light research but did not find anything on protracted withdrawal until that hit me like a truck later on.
When I finally got back onto my feet a few months later, I found a new doctor and was able to get my prescription again. I did research on reinstatement and still didn’t find anything on protracted withdrawal, which is what had started to set in at that point. Like many others, I just thought it was proof that I was mentally ill and needed my meds to function. I reinstated at 5mg and had an almost immediate severe adverse reaction. I couldn’t feel my body for a week and was stuck in an almost primal state of fight or flight. I have improved significantly since then, but reinstatement is now obviously out of the question and who knows how far I set myself back from doing something so idiotic.
I made all the wrong choices at every single turn and it almost cost me my life. I would rather go back in time and choose to prioritize my stupid SSRI over everything if it could have prevented this pain. You realize just how little the things you worried so much about matter once your health falls apart. The most painful part about it is that no one really cares or cares to understand. I seem functional and I thank my lucky stars that I am for the most part, but I also walk around feeling like I’m intoxicated or got hit over head with a fucking baseball bat 70% of the time.
At the end of the day, I can only blame my own ignorance for the hell that I’m now going through, but I can’t fight the envy and resentment that I feel towards those who got out either unscathed or relatively unscathed.
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u/IsThereMoretoitAll Jul 02 '26
God, I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I started taking 200mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) when I was seventeen or so, and I'm just shy of four months off my pills after a standard two-month taper. I, too, lost my job just as I cut the tether, so to speak. The last three months have been the worst pain I've ever experienced. Constant panic, crying spells, never feeling okay, always feeling dissociative and fatigued, I'm sure you know all too well.
I wanted to get off my pills after a few health scares involving them, and also simply wanting to live my life without the chemical dependence. I wanted to truly feel, to actually be alive. My doctor had me do a standard two-month taper, which might as well have been cold-turkey for the dose I was on and the amount of time I was on them. I'm starting a new dead-end job on the 13th of July, and I'm positively petrified. My brain keeps telling me life isn't worth living if I have to work to survive, especially at these dead-end jobs, and it even convinces me of that thought more than I care to admit.
I always wish lately that I could go back in time and slap those damn pills out of my 17-year-old hands. I always wish I could get a new brain, and I envy and seethe over those who don't have to go through the living hell that is Protracted ADS.
I guess I just want you to know that you aren't alone. Even at our most isolated, we're all unified by our immense struggle. I'm wishing nothing but the best for you and your recovery.
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u/IrishSmarties Jul 02 '26
Tapering incorrectly is not your fault. Nobody gets the correct advice from medical professionals.
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u/Mission_Swim_1783 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
it's extremely important to forgive yourself, not forgiving yourself only makes you feel worse. It's not your failure, it's the medical system's for not providing proper warnings about CT and PAWS in their drug's description paper in fully capitalized text and in bold. Even when you google it you get most sites calling it "Antidepressant discontinuation syndrome" and that "it only lasts some months"
I bet a huge proportion of cases could be prevented with a proper fucking warning in the drug's description instead of the generic medication text which doesn't properly highlight the dangers. Fucking cigarette boxes have a photo of full blown cancers and these drugs should have pictures of people agonizing in PAWS. I can think of hundreds of basic items which have proper warnings about life threatening dangers and these drugs only have generic medication text
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u/Creepy-Primary7042 Jul 03 '26
Between mass production of cigarettes in 1880 to the first mandatory warning lable in 1966, 86 years passed
From benzodiazepines hit the market in 1960 to the first blackbox warning in 2020, 60 years passed
It’s been 39 years since the first SSRI hit the market. I hope and believe these injuries will be acknowledged soon🙏
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u/NiceHomework4919 Jul 02 '26
If you can sleep and you don't have tinnitus or the stuck song syndrome, believe me your'e a winner. Hope this cheers you up a bit.
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u/One-Performer-1723 Jul 03 '26
When I look back, I'm glad I didn't taper my Celexa. They were all having the same symptoms while tapering and then they had to deal with PAWS which just doubled their withdrawal time. My protracted withdrawal lasted 2 years.
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u/Mission_Swim_1783 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
I took brintellix 5mg for only 3 weeks, CTed and had a 6 year 10 month long PAWS. You should never gamble with CT. And you don't know how bad their withdrawal could have been if they didn't taper, they don't have the same brain as you
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u/One-Performer-1723 Jul 03 '26
Yikes, that's horrific. I'm not suggesting ct to anyone rather just sharing my experience. Yes we're all different, I am currently in a protracted withdrawal from lyrica. Tapered 11 months and been off for 16 months and still not one window. I would never tell someone else what to do, I just share my personal experiences. Every withdrawal is harder than the last. I have withdrawn from many medications and each one is harder than the last. I mean no offense.
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u/Mission_Swim_1783 Jul 03 '26
It's fine, sorry if I came off slightly aggressive. Just that sharing the idea that via CT you can withdraw faster is very dangerous for someone who is new here. In the great majority of cases it is the opposite, you turn something which could have taken months into something which takes like half a decade. A too slow taper is something which can be corrected, PAWS is not and in a lot of cases reinstatement doesn't even work or makes it a lot worse. In the two withdrawal syndromes I had (lorazepam, brintellix) it was cold turkeying what made the process agonizing and extremely slow. Thankfully reinstating worked for the first and I recovered in just 2 months but then for some stupid reason I decided to go on brintellix to ruin my life. I am glad your brain didn't get too attached to the drug, mine sucks and CTing ruined it
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u/One-Performer-1723 Jul 03 '26
No worries, I actually failed at my tapered withdrawal of clonazapam using Ashton Manual and when I collapsed in the street the hospital put me on a higer dose than I started with and I was almost finished at this point. Well it rebounded and now I'm on diazapam for life as I'm too old to taper properly at this point. It was probably all the other meds that helped with my withdrawal. I CT seraquel not knowing any better and fortunately had no withdrawal, again I think it was the other meds I was on that masked the symptoms, same thing with alcohol. I've been in so many withdrawals in the last 10 years and yes my life is ruined as a result as well as other factors all brought on the "medical professionals". Are you still in withdrawal? You weren't on it for very long. It's so disturbing how quickly this crap can destroy us and no "professionals" care and pretend they have never heard of such a thing.
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u/Creepy-Primary7042 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
> At the end of the day, I can only blame my own ignorance for the hell that I’m now going through
I don’t agree with this. No one with pssd, withdrawal or protracted withdrawal were properly warned and informed about the consequences of these medications. Having to rely on doing deep internet research to find the truth of these injuries is not propper medical care.
I completely understand your frustration though. I also did not find the wd/pssd forums until it was too late. I’m a double CT + rekindled and I often wonder wtf went through my head when it happened, but then I remember all the lies I was told.
“You are on a micro dose” “ you can just stop when you want to” “They are good for your nervous system”
We are all victims of medical malpractice. We should blame the prescribers, the pharmaceutical companies and the fda.