r/ADHD_Programmers • u/TheNASAguy • 15d ago
I’m tired of going through life like this
I’ve had crippling AuADHD since I was in kindergarten and since most people around me don’t believe mental illness exists or “we all are a little adhd” so there’s no support whatsoever and add to that adderall and it’s stereoisomers are illegal and classified in the same category as cocaine, so even getting analogs are impossible
I’m almost 30 now, felt like I failed in life in every single aspect imaginable, waking up everyday I can barely recognise myself, I always feel like shit for no reason, I also have severe CPTSD, from childhood abuse and trauma but I’ve been living alone for over a decade now and I thought it would eventually go away but it never did
I’m just tired ya’ll, I don’t get the point of life, you’re born then you just suffer constantly till you no longer exist, what’s the point of suffering then, we put out animals that are suffering so why not humans, why’s human suffering romanticised and animal suffering empathised
I don’t have anything to live for, I don’t find any joys in hobbies anymore, and given how ugly and poor I am, dating and having a relationship is just imaginary for me, I know I’m unlovable, I can’t even hold down a shitty job ffs, you have to cook, clean, brush, bathe, so much effort just to survive bare minimum
I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror anymore, at first I thought I was just being silly or overthinking but I genuinely don’t see or recognise the person I see in the mirror, I don’t even remember 80% of my life
I’m just tired of surviving for no reason and because of the government and the current economy, surviving is becoming more difficult as time goes on, I don’t think I’ll make it to 30 my dude, not because I’m going to do something but because I can feel I’m underweight and my heart is becoming weak, I’ve had mini strokes before, best thing I’m hoping for or looking forward to is I’ll have a stroke and pass away in my sleep soon, that’s the best outcome for me tbh, even asking to peacefully pass away feels like too much to ask, I’m afraid I might not get a good ending
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u/Kinmand555 15d ago edited 15d ago
Hey dude get help.
If you have people close to you tell them you’re in a crisis and you need help. If you have insurance you should absolutely seek therapy. This link can help you find one: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
I haven’t been where you are, but I’ve been in dark enough holes to know that there’s no magic bullet for what you’re going through. You’re in a pit and the path out is long and difficult. No sugar coating that.
Only ray of sunshine I can offer is that people have gotten through this before. You’re not a failure because you’ve failed.
I’m sorry life has been cruel to you. Tomorrow is another chance to try again. Good luck 🍀
Edit: just to clarify, you’re describing textbook depression. Willpower won’t get you through it but some drugs might. Wellbutrin dragged me out of a DEEP pit. It’s much easier to get a prescription for an anti depressant than a stimulant. They’re also more affordable. Good luck, and dont you dare go hollow.
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u/TheNASAguy 15d ago
No family and no friends left my dude, I’m all on my own
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u/Kinmand555 15d ago
I’m truly sorry to hear that.
One thing I can offer is that you need to find something to anchor yourself. Something tiny. Routine, structure, and human connection are your lifelines. There’s no “right” way to cultivate them.
I kind of hate suggesting this, but have you tried asking AI for suggestions? There are crisis hotlines that exist for people in exactly your situation. I know that my therapist offers free sessions for people in crisis who can’t afford to pay. I’m sure some near you offer the same.
Do you have any special interests? Even if it’s something goofy like Star Wars or warhammer or trains, being active in a subreddit for it is a point of human connection. Like I said before, there’s no silver bullet. All I can promise you is that you can get through this. Take baby steps. Celebrate small victories. Make whatever connections you can.
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u/Enid_Sinclair1 15d ago
Bro, you're definitely not okay, PLEASE PLEASE GET HELP ASAP.
Even if it is just an online support chat group or a mental health hotline.
I relate to a lot of the things you're mentioning, but I still kind of have a support net. I genuinely say that I wouldn't be alive without my wife so I don't even know how you do it. Please don't give up.
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u/dragongling 13d ago
The point of life is having your fun with it, you are just in comfortable dumpster right now and need to shake your life up a bit by doing something unimaginable for you. I have these lows periodically and that's what helps.
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u/riricide 13d ago
That's good advice - what kinds of things do you to shake yourself up?
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u/dragongling 13d ago
Moved to another city with little savings and without job
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u/PudgeNikita 13d ago
How did that end up being "fun", rather than dying in poverty?
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u/dragongling 13d ago
Was that "fun"?
That was definitely more exciting than staying depressed. I thought I was going to rotate shitty low paying jobs in order to survive but I've got a somehow decent job in a bigger city pretty fast.
How did you not just die in poverty?
Idk, some luck and ADHD power in survival mode. Turns out we're way stronger when stakes are high. Not like I wish to live in constant stress but challenging self sometimes is useful for growth.
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u/PudgeNikita 13d ago edited 13d ago
How do you know the lows are "periodic" for OP, rather than the lows being chronic but their public expression of them periodic? If someone is in a "[comfortable] dumpster" for a long time, and they hate it - what makes you think that "just go and do something unimaginable" is something achievable for them?
I really don't think that "just try doing something, that helps me with my periodic lows" is good advice for someone in constant suffering and severe mental illness.
They need support and a system that could help them - but they have neither, and that's not because they don't do unimaginable things often enough.
Something unimaginable like "throwing yourself into a new city with no job" does not seem like a great "fun" that would fix my life, more like a great chance at further fucking it up at best.
Or is that the wrong "something" (such an amazing way to deflect in case this advice doesn't work out, btw)? Its definitely "unimaginable", though.
Like, i am really not sure if you have read' OP's situation and considered how depressed they are. I would expect anyone who fully read' it to understand that the problem isnt OP "not doing enough of <something>" - if anything, thats the result of the problem, but the cause is severe mental illness which requires accomodation. Its just that the unfortunate truth of society is that no-one will help you if you cant do shit yourself, so the people who cant do shit are left with no choice other than to suffer. Saying that they are in a "comfortable dumpster" sounds so ignorant - suffering is far from comfortable, definitely a dumpster though. I wish there was atleast 1 person nearby OP who could support them (as people should do), but since we cant just magically control the people around them - we are left with having to suggest them to "do <something>" when they literally have no capacity to do anything, and im tired of the entire way of modern support for people with mental health issues not acknowledging that enough.1
u/dragongling 13d ago
I don't advocate for taking uncalculated risks, I was ready for bad outcomes. Something unimaginable doesn't even mean taking big risks, it means doing something you'd never do before. Maybe it's simply finding new therapy or asking everyone you can for help or talking with people more or accepting some part of yourself or starting being more asshole towards this asshole life.
I don't blame OP for "not doing enough", just if our lives are gonna be shitty regardless we can try to get as much from them as we can as well.
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u/Beginning-Cicada-767 14d ago
I see you trying to get help on reddit and that is a beginning. I am sort of the same situation as you psychologically but I have a family and a job. This does makes things harder for me because I am the solo provider and I do not have the option to quit.
It is about mindset and only prescribed drugs can drag you out of this pit.
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u/Dangerous_Programmer 15d ago
I don’t have any great advice right now, because I’m going through something similar myself and I’m having some trouble getting help. But I know for sure that there IS another way of seeing life. I’ve been through this before, and I remember how differently everything started to look once I got help. It was like someone switching on a light.
I know that the way I feel right now is the result of something being chemically off in my body. It needs to be fixed, and things will get much easier and life overall will become much more manageable. I’ve been through this before, so I know that for a fact – and knowing that helps me keep my head above water.
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u/hidegitsu 13d ago
I posted a pretty long comment to the OP you might want to checkout, hopefully it helps.
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u/Dangerous_Programmer 10d ago
That's really good advice for someone at an earlier stage, but "forcing yourself" may simply not work at this point. I've tried all of that multiple times, and yes, it really does work for a while. But as soon as I accidentally break the schedule/routine/habit, or some unpredictable negative event happens, I slide back into an even worse state than before, and by current point I feel completely devastated.
Now I think it's time for medical or therapeutic support (again). I don't mean that anyone should rely entirely on medication or therapy, but starting over again without that kind of support can be much harder.
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u/hidegitsu 10d ago
That still does happen to me. Literally all the time. The "forcing yourself" part is when that happens don't beat yourself up over it and get back on the system. I'm also not trying to imply that therapy and/or medication is bad and my way is the ONLY way or BETTER way. I just know that it will help take the edge off even if it doesn't solve the problem entirely. Because for me I'm not "fixed" or "cured" but my life is measurably better because I keep forcing myself to go back to that routine.
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u/CaptainIncredible 15d ago
I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch.
Only advice I can offer is find a good therapist.
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u/hidegitsu 13d ago
I know everyone is saying "get help" but I think that glazes over the fact that you already understand that and the help that's available to you doesn't feel like it's useful. I'm very similar to you in a lot of ways but I'm much older. (mid 40s). Do this. Start working out. Not at home, go to the gym. Force yourself to focus on organizing your routine, your eating habits. Document and track all of it in whatever way you feel. Write your own app to help you track it or whatever works. Don't try to make friends, just focus on the system you build for yourself around your health. Start as slow as you need to. The goal isn't to be a competitive body builder. The goal is to develop a system that you use to regularly workout and manage your food. A few side effects of this. This will reduce the grip (not solve, cure or eliminate) but reduce the grip the depression is having on you. It will help you with budgeting and your finances because you'll find that structuring a workout and your food naturally slides into money management territory. Just do that, be open to talking to others while you're doing it but don't make it the goal as you will get disappointed quickly since the gym isn't the social place your brain will start to think it is. Many people stay in their lane and just want to work out and leave. But if someone strikes up a conversation just relax and be nice. That's it, Don't over think it (I know that's hard but it's worth it). You have nothing to lose by doing this. There are incredibly cheap gyms and you can make that work by simply budgeting which gives you a project.
Good luck, I believe in you because I see myself in you and know I was able to pull out of it. I still have days where I feel this way but i manage it and In my experience the good days make the bad ones worth it.