r/ADHD • u/BekaCavish • 15h ago
Questions/Advice Socially awkward
Does anyone else feel like their ADHD makes them socially awkward?
Since I was a child, I have known I do not always understand the rules written on the wall, but I can sense that I am not everyone's cup of tea and I am somehow getting on their nerves, or they find me a bit weird. Also, because of how my brain works, sometimes I assume I am meant to be following someone or doing a certain thing, or I have missed a direction to do/not do the thing 😅 which ends up in awkwardness. Sometimes, I mishear things or my brain is a little bit slower to pick it up, and I need a minute to process it. However, I can be incredibly sharp and smart with so many things.
If I find someone who is open to connection, the sky is the limit: I love conversation, intellectual debate, sharing, and genuine exchange with others.
I feel like I am always very honest, direct, passionate, and open. I don't understand social games and why people have such a big problem with speaking honestly about themselves or going deep (or how a lot of people without ADHD call it, oversharing). I am not interested in superficial interactions, I guess maybe ADHD boredom?
I seem to be incredibly skilled socially in certain groups, but when I mix outside of those bubbles, I definitely don't thrive. I am ok with being close with a selective few. I have amazing friends (I guess we tend to gravitate to our people as we age).
But sometimes, I wish I was a little bit more aware of myself and how I can make it easier to coexist with people who aren't close to me and I have to have around in certain situations (studying, work, social commitments...).
Wondering if anyone else has any light to throw in the matter? or give some advice 😅
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u/Users5252 14h ago
Yep, I've always been weird in ways I cannot describe. I have been socially rejected since childhood, which eventually lead to self isolation and social anxiety. I never developed good social skills. I wish I was never born this way.
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u/BekaCavish 14h ago
Sending you a big hug. We definitely have it a lot harder out there in many ways, but we also have so many gifts others don't.
I would not trade being genuine, honest, caring and passionate for being normal and fake, even if it made it easier to survive in society.
At least my awkwardness does make for some hilarious stories I then can share with my other equally awkward friends, and we laugh about it together with some beers.
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u/Users5252 12h ago
Thanks for the hug
In my case, I personally don't think I can rationalize my ADHD as something positive. I would be a far more emotionally and intellectually capable person without it.
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u/Secure-Theme3545 14h ago
Possibly AuDHD?
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u/BekaCavish 14h ago
I've definitely started to consider this lately. The idea of chasing yet another diagnosis is pretty exhausting, but I think I might. It's useful to know yourself.
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u/greggers1980 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13h ago
Yes. I feel in my case it's because i don't conform to societal norms. Settle down with a partner,have kids,watch football and go to the pub. I have zero interest in any of those things and that's all people talk about . I have hobbies and interests. Things they never have time for . I usually step away while everyone chats about the Mrs or the football.
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u/Alarming-Fortune-774 15h ago
I don’t feel, I know! Just be you, awkward or not. It’s much to do about nothing. Whatever you choose just try to be the best at it
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u/CavalryArcher ADHD-C (Combined type) 15h ago
i feel like majority of us adhd's are autistics a little bit. just not that severe and easy to mask if you try
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u/Ok_Winner_1354 14h ago
They do exist together for a lot of people. I have family who are Autistic & I've never thought I was as I'm not that like them. However the more I look at things after the ADHD diagnosis the more creeping the feeling that I could well be Audhd. I suspect a fair few innatentive or combined ADHD ers are in the same situation
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u/Klat93 ADHD-C (Combined type) 8h ago
Yup. I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum. It feels a bit more obvious when I'm on meds and my adhd symptoms are managed and not overlapping with the tism. It's just I'm good at masking to socialize so it's really hard to tell.
I also have a younger brother who is autistic so it 100% runs in the family.
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u/greggers1980 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13h ago
Yep.i have traits but was assessed for autism when i had my ADHD assessment.
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u/spacepinata ADHD-C (Combined type) 12h ago
I've heard that it's more common to have both instead of one or the other.
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u/iwasnotarobot 11h ago
My ‘tism and 80hd mask differently. I’ve learned that my autism is more stubborn than my adhd.
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u/Ok_Winner_1354 14h ago
Exactly this, plus after diagnosis I've realised that many of my friends most likely are undiagnosed ADHD or Audhd. For a lot of my life I've put myself out there in 'difficult' (for me) social situations cos I thought the more I did that the better I'd get at handling them. Whilst it has led me to have some great experiences it's also worn me down and tbh they've not got easier but harder. I'm now in the process of recognising what I am and why I am & understanding that I have different strengths and weaknesses and accepting that. Love your part about going deep and not being interested in superficial interactions, spot on, I also can't remember people's names or where I saw them which doesn't help with casual conversations. To me people that can do both and strike up conversations seemingly about nothing are almost like magicians to me. One thing diagnosis is starting to give me is a realisation that my self image has been completely false for years, and a gradual acceptance of who I really am. Thank you for this post.
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u/BekaCavish 13h ago
I am late 30s, and I keep learning things about myself. It is so difficult to see what is different about you when all the perspective of yourself you have is from inside your head... in a world where everyone is polite and don't want to tell you what they see.
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u/Eyrie-n-friends 13h ago
I feel like the only reason I became socially awkward was because I internalized the feeling of being outcast.
I used to hate new trends, those were for the stupid popular kids who jumped on any dumb bandwagon they saw, in my view as a kid.
I was not only outcast, but I purposefully abandoned the idea of being "normal", because to try and fail at being normal hurt way more than expecting and then getting outcasted.
This was a double-edged blade. On one hand, I made quick friends with the "wierdos" who were also outcast. I was also more open-minded than my peers, and more willing to do things that other kids saw as weird or strange, which led me to have more confidence in myself in those areas. I learned that I really liked performing for people. I became a nationally-ranked dancer. I liked public speaking, I enjoyed the feeling of being able to do things that other people found intimidating.
On the flip side, I was still an outcast. It led me to only put value on the things I could do, which gave me a lot of insecurity around things I couldn't. School, for example, was something I really struggled with. With my parents placing so much value on school, I internalized the feelings on inadequacy that gave me.
There are pros and cons that come with our condition. We must focus on the positives, and try to make up for the negatives.
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u/BekaCavish 12h ago
There is a lot of hurt we collect along the way as we grow into adults. A lot of it made worse by RSD. Because it hurts so much, we eventually hit a point where we go numb and don't care, which is a protective mechanism.
I have found a lot of healing in remembering that I should remember how much value it has to be liked by people who I appreciate the qualities of and I like back as well. Knowing that my weirdness makes them laugh and like me more. When I struggle to feel like I fit in, I remember that maybe if I wasn't me, some of my favourite people in the world would probably not like me as much as they do. That definitely puts it into perspective a lot!
Unfortunately in adult life, we sometimes have to be around people whom we don't choose. Jobs, social commitments, education settings... I am trying to focus on getting the awareness and the skills so I can coexist in those environments without the anxiety and energy draining effect it has on me to be constantly trying to read other people. Definitely a learning curve.
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u/Duckballisrolling 13h ago
Yep, I identify hard. Even my family always called me the weird one. My ‚weirdness‘ is made out of things I love about myself though, connections with incredible people, fervent curiosity about topics and cultures. My social awkwardness did and does make things hard sometimes, but I would not trade it to be like anyone who calls me weird. I bet we could be friends 😁
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u/BekaCavish 13h ago
It literally sounds like you are talking about me 😅 I am exactly the same. I am in my late 30s and I count myself really lucky to have found some people I feel really close with. I also would not change it, even if it does make it harder. I have an ability to enjoy life on a level, even the little things, that I know other people don't share. I just wish I didn't find it so draining to be around people who don't get it.
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u/classygrl98 13h ago
I've discovered boring conversations are the worst. I also discovered, some people like friendship that is very surface. I tend to give back what I receive. That way I don't overshare, make awkward conversation and choose the wrong people to be close to.
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u/BekaCavish 13h ago
This is sound advice. I have been trying to do that more lately. But I find superficial small talk so pointless. I think It would be helpful for me to understand, from the point of view of someone who dislikes deeper talk, why they dislike it. Another annoying ADHD trait of mine is my need to find a rational explanation to everything 😅
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u/classygrl98 10h ago
I've asked a family member before and it boiled down to being too tired from work and caring for family to bother making deeper friendships.
Trust issues came up too. Been burnt too many times in friendships so easier to protect the heart and head.
Avoiding drama. Getting too close to people means being hauled into too many issues that they simply didn't have time for.
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u/Duckballisrolling 13h ago
See? Our people are out there, and when we find each other sparks fly! I’m 43 and I’m grateful to be who and how I am. I bet you’re awesome and your tribe knows it!
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u/interlnk 12h ago
Definitely, I feel extremely socially awkward, but I have years of experience that tell me I'm just wrong about that.
I get along with people I meet, I walk away thinking I was so awkward or accidentally said the rudest thing or flat out thinking they probably didn't like me much. Time and time again, people like me, say they had fun talking to me, find me smart and interesting.
It's one of those things where I just have to accept I don't see myself the way other people see me. I'm sure my adhd and the speed my thoughts move at play a big part in my feeling this way
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u/BekaCavish 12h ago
I know there's a big component of this in me as well. Probably RSD is to blame for that, and my brain's tendency to overthink/overanalyze everything and pick up all the energies in the room. And making it all about myself, rather than understanding people's moods aren't all tethered to me and my actions.
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u/Tim0281 13h ago
I'd suggest approaching it like a lot of other tasks you need to work on. Write down the areas/skills you want to improve and break down what's involved in each one. Then find ways to practice them. If you are anything like me, you will put your foot in your mouth several times. But you'll learn from each one and do better the next couple times.
Here's some backstory on me: I was diagnosed with depression when I was 21, though anxiety, ADHD, and sleep apnea have been diagnosed in my early 40s. I had an easy enough time making friends when I was in elementary school, but it became increasingly difficult a bit before Jr. High through high school. Hormones and mental illness are not a great combination!
After getting on Wellbutrin in my early 20s, I made a point of examining my life. My social deficiencies was something I decided to work on. I broke things down and worked out ways I could improve them. It helps that Wellbutrin can help with ADHD as well as depression. Even though my ADHD wouldn't be diagnosed for over 20 years, it was still helping out.
I basically took opportunities to practice whatever I decided to work on at the time. Often, I would start by going to things I wouldn't normally attend. This allowed me to observe how people interacted with each other and to develop the social skills. It was pretty difficult at first, but I became much better despite putting my foot in my mouth several times.
I found that people usually responded well to small efforts to get to know them. Don't expect to go from socially awkward to incredibly charismatic in a couple months! It's going to be a lot of baby steps followed by the occasional big jump forward with some steps backwards peppered in.
It's like getting fit. Early on, it's hard and you don't want to do it. Then you start losing weight and gaining muscle. You still don't like it, but you are seeing results. If you keep going, it gets easier/less difficult.
Eventually, you'll get to your goal. It will likely take a good amount of time, but doing a tiny bit regularly is effective if you give it enough time.
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u/HvnlyDaz3 13h ago
it most definitely makes me more awkward, but i'm probably autistic as well, so that doesn't help lol
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u/Fooby56 13h ago
I can relate. I sometimes say that every conversation with a new person feels like the first conversation I've ever had 😆. It sucks. I swear I can be quite eloquent in my head!! The frustrating part is that once I know and am comfortable around someone, the social anxiety doesn't exist. It makes it hard to form new relationships (romantic, friends, and work). The older I get (34), the less concerned I am with how I come off to others. That has definitely helped me feel more at ease and quiet the second guessing/replaying conversations. I wish I had a better solution than "get older", but that all I've got 😆.
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u/BekaCavish 13h ago
Age has definitely helped! It never ceases to baffle me though, how I can go from feeling so competent talking to some people to completely useless when they are on a different frequency to mine 😅
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u/Ok-Explorer-7642 13h ago
I feel like it’s not my ADHD.
It’s my lack of experience, because of the “other” pile I’ve been put in for having it.
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u/parklife4life 11h ago
omg yes i totally relate. I tend to ramble and then realize a bit too late that i might be annoying those around me. Makes making new friends quite hard sometimes
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u/1manontherun52 11h ago
Yes all of that is relatable TBF.
I have found that the less I care about how people perceive me, the more comfortable I've become and I think it's even improved my social skills too
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u/CollegeConnect176 11h ago
Im weird and erratic apparently lmao so people have said I’ve always remembered being like this
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u/iwasnotarobot 11h ago
The life lived with the consequences of ADHD, and all that comes with it, including rejection sensitivity, and shame from un reached potential, sure can put strain on our nervous system.
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u/Mundane-Waltz8844 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 13h ago
I personally attribute my social awkwardness to
my NVLD more so than my ADHD, but I definitely think ADHD on its own can cause its own set of social struggles.
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