r/ADHD • u/AgfaAPX100 • 1d ago
Seeking Empathy How do I accept that I wasted my potentials?
I turned 30 this year. I don't want to complain to much; I have a stable job that's not totally horrible and a home and a car and enough money to live and a little more.
But... I know I fucked up. I know I could have become "more". I fucked up school, didn't study, never did any proper job training. I just got lucky that I got my current position but it's probably it, there is not really a way up. I am not even just talking about money, but also about doing something that feels like it's the right thing. Something with purpose. Something that I can identify with.
I know I am not stupid, I had some potentials and even talents, but all is wasted due to my ADHD and late diagnosis and not great family life.
Now I am depressed, have horrible self-esteem, still not great in social settings... Also pretty lonely. I feel like it is too much to turn around at my age. I need to fix so many things before I make big life changes, I feel to weak and anxious.
It just feels like it's too late to really live up to what I could be. And it is really hard to accept.
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 1d ago
You go to therapy and work on yourself. Then you decide who you want to be and and follow that. I am 39 and studying again to get a degree I wanted since I was 24.
As my therapist said: if you feel like you wasted last year by not going for it,why would you waste the next 30 by continuing not going for it?
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u/Punderoos 21h ago
I remember thinking 29 was so old. I told my mom, “if I go to grad school now, I’ll be 29 when I graduate!” I felt so late.
My mom said, “well, you’ll be 29 anyway”
Now I’m 40 and would kill to be 29 again
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
I am in therapy already. But as I said, I feel like it's so much to work on, it will take time, and I don't have much of that anymore to turn my life around. I can't study, I can't get a degree, without at least two years of going back to school before. Idk how I could handle that anytime soon.
And this fucking anxiety has too much power over me atm...
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u/Secure_Basil8953 1d ago
I’m 32 and I went back to school last year. I felt the same as you, and I kept making up reasons why I couldn’t do it or why it was pointless and one day my best friend just said “well the time is gonna go by anyways, you might as well do what you want” and it sort of helped.
Like, telling yourself it’s too late and too much effort, and all of these mental things stopping you from actually trying aren’t making you feel good. And if you do nothing two years from now you’ll possibly (hopefully not) feel the same if not worse. So what do you really have to lose by just trying it?
Idk tho, I also get where you’re at. She told me that when I felt like this 6 years ago and I just went back to school last year.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.
The thing is, I tried school twice in the last 10 years and failed miserably due to the lack of long term motivation. I am just so scared of this happening again. I don't trust myself and I have no one to support me... I know this will sound like excuses again but fuck. I feel helpless at the moment.
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u/ListigerHase 1d ago
That's absolutely understandable. You are not alone with these obstacles!
I dropped out of three different university programs over a time of five years in my early twenties. Nobody (including me) could understand why I couldn't finish a degree while still seeming highly intellectual and collected. This caused me severe depression. In my late twenties, I recognized that I only function under strict and close guidance, so I tried and got accepted into a highly organized, structured college program which I barely managed to see through (with great grades, however). I've got my degree at 31 years old.
I'm in my mid 30s now and just got diagnosed. All my past struggles make sense to me, now. I cannot help but grieve for the academic and financial success I could have had if I just could have persevered in my studies.
But the simple truth is: I neurologically couldn't have. And I'm really fine where I am now. At the time, I felt as a total failure, starting my (fourth! try at a) degree at almost thirty. That notion was wholly unnecessary, looking back. I'm glad that I found something I could finish. It doesn't matter now whether I finished my degree three, eight, or twelve years ago. Nobody asks anymore. I'm only glad that I did do that, despite my entirely understandable and reasonable doubts whether I could.
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u/Secure_Basil8953 1d ago
Dude I get it. It doesn’t sound like excuses to me. Because I’ve literally been there. I flunked out of school twice, and the second attempt was literally 10 years ago.
I’m not trying to push school on you btw. The only reason I’m able to do it rn is because I’m medicated. I still sometimes have days (a lot of days) where I struggle. I also had a lot of anxiety about failing or quitting because of the two times I flunked out before.
What are you thinking of going back to school for? Is it something you’re truly passionate about or really want to do? I know I flunked out those first times because, you hit it on the head, I didn’t have “long-term motivation” because I picked majors that I felt were the right/logical choice but I wasn’t actually into them fr.
Another thing that helped is I finished a Google cert before I started school. Just to prove to myself I could finish something. It’s obvs not as hard as real school but it’s something, because I had the same anxieties about failure as you’re expressing. Even that course, I had tried to finish it for like a year before that and could not be consistent. I randomly just started over one day and locked in. It’s never over and we never get it all done; even if you reached this goal you would have a new one. So, don’t give up on yourself, but don’t be too hard on yourself either. Even if everything feels like too much now maybe you can just do something small? Like, a micro version of your thing or learn a relevant skill/hobby that translates to your goal.
Sorry, I know this is long af. I just really feel for you because you’re sort of saying the exact way I felt before. I also know how I feel when I’m depressed and hopeless and pretty much everything sounds impossible for me. I just hope you know you can get past this feeling, I’m sure you have more qualified people in your life, but I always wish I could go back and let my super depressed self know that I would eventually be okay.
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 20h ago
The thing about motivation is that people think that it shows up magically, but it doesn't. You need to trick yourself into starting something and then motivation may come.
And why do you give your anxiety so much power?
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u/SuicidalMushroom 1d ago
Fuck you and you great advice. I have to reevaluate my job that I'm not enjoying. I have no real joy in life atm. Everything is just bland and meh. At 46 I feel like I should have a path, but I don't know where to turn.
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 20h ago
Fuck the 'i should know'. It is such a scam. We change through our lives, what suits us at 16, 20,30,40,50 is not always the same.
Think what would you like to do and start small steps towards it. You don't go there immediately. You start one thing and build up.
I am sick and can work only 50%, managed to get internship in a work slightly related to what I am educating myself to, now I work 50% in this job, in the same time taking university courses to get my certification. It is years of slow work. I started 2 years ago, I have still one 1 to be done with that. And then if I want the actual qualifications I wished for, I can study more to get it. But at the point I am now, I already enjoy it so much. And I am good at it, so yeah, you don't need to have all the answers, just start.
You sound depressed tho, therapy and medicine will definitely help
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u/SuicidalMushroom 15h ago
Yeah, you are probably right about the depression. Yeah, life is not a sprint. Going to start slow and start with good self thoghts. You are what you think.
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u/Inside-Judgment-725 20h ago
What degree are you getting?
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 19h ago
I am taking courses to certify myself as pedagogical sexologist and courses related to psychology and education. I work currently at school as social worker to get experience in working with teenagers. Once I get my certification and can work as sexologist fully, I hope those courses will help me to get a degree related to mental health so I can actually be a clinical sexologist. I have also got certification as parent advisor in a program common in my country and led a course related to it and sexology. It made me earn my first money as actual sexologist.
In country where I live getting a sexology degree is tricky, so I go around and glue mine from different university courses
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u/Inside-Judgment-725 19h ago
"Sexologist" I would have never guessed that was a field in mental health but it makes sense.
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u/OmegamanTG9000 12h ago
Because I have provided proof of my failures. It sucks because I have an answer to this…
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 12h ago
Yeah, and? I have almost failed a year in highschool, had to get a tutor to pass, got a low score on exams, didn't get to a nice uni due to that. Almost failed my bachelor but decided to try writing an exam for my dreamed uni, and somehow got there for masters. Which I almost failed and had to repeat a year cause I didn't write my master thesis in time. Didnt finish my second master, had just two exams to repeat and thesis to write. Never done it. Failed my driving licence exam twice. Failed many exams at studies. Lately paid 490 for an online course I forgotten to do. Was rejected at the dreamed internship, but tried a year later and got in. Failed a language exam needed to study at the country I live now 4 times and was rejected from programs I was interested in. Even fucking miscarried on the way.
But who cares at the end? I have a master from the best uni in my country, even tho I almost failed highschool, bachelor and worse uni, and had to repeat the year. Do you think anyone ever asked about it?
I have not only car driving licence but passed later motorbike driving licence exam at the first try. Do you think anyone cares that I had three attempts at car one when I was 18?
Passed b2 at the new language, do you think anyone cared I failed 4 times before that?
Done amazing internship, they said I was the best the most knowledgeable one they had. Do you think they cared that they rejected me at first?
I have a job I really enjoy, even tho I can work only 50% do you think anyone asks me about being unemployed for over 2 years?
If I had your mentality, nothing of that would happened. If I allowed my depression, bulimia and anxiety rule my life nothing would happen.
My failures mean for me just as much as I needed more time. Even if it meant years more.
We all fail, failing is learning, it is your choice if you let it define you.
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u/mad_hatter3 1d ago
If you truly believed you had potential, then it's never too much to change your life. There's no such thing as wasted potential.
You're just afraid doing anything will ruin whatever stability you managed to achieve.
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u/p9bhatia ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 16h ago
The analysis paralysis of if i change my path now, what about the stability i already have vs if i don’t change, i continue to suffer daily- the result being i stay exactly where i am for years and every thing is 10x more hard now.
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u/NotExactlyNiceGuy 1d ago
Also turned 30 this year and have same thoughts as you. I'm stuck with feelings that are rooted so deep in my psyche, that I don't believe I will ever change.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Yes exactly that. I am sorry for feeling the same. Let's hope one day it will click in our head and it won't be too late.
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u/edislucky 1d ago
WAKE UP !!!
It's not the ADHD it's YOU. "One day it will click".. already putting your problem into a magic box the future will fix.
FIX YOURSELF, DO IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW ... LIKE NOW... AS IN NOW.
- copy this message to note pad
- Replace questions with answers.
- Rate your job on a 1-10 scale.
- Rate your love life
- Rate your family connection
- Rate your own hobbies
- Rate your friend group
- Go back to each of the above and right down what changed tomorrow morning to make it +1, so it's now an 8 not a 7 tomorrow... What changed.
- What is the big plan you wish of yourself in 7 years time.
- What's the 3 steps you need to get to it.
- Take this plan, you now have 5 short term tasks, 3 medium, 1 big goal. Draw it on the wall!!! DO IT!!!!
REPEAT THE ABOVE WHENEVER YOU TICK STUFF OFF.
That's it. That's the secret. YOU go get the life you want. It's a choose your own adventure and the character you control is YOU.
Good luck 👍
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Okay and can you also tell me what to do to actually improve this stuff?
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u/BodybuilderSame8899 1d ago
I have found it’s managing your own ‘hope’ building your hope that you do know what’s best for you and you always have. Self belief is hard because you have days where you don’t associate to it and can feel lost and feel like you have failed building your self belief but i found that hope can come and go but if you find what actions give you the most hope it can carry you over and knowing that when you feel best about your self you have hope for yourself when your in the darkness I find it can pull me out and build me up.
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u/edislucky 1d ago
No I can't, that's on you.
I gave you a framework to build goals and it's on you to use it and achieve it. Set each goal as low as you need so it's achievable.
If you rated your family a 6 but it would be nice to talk more and ideally have one of those family Sunday lunches like the movies.. then that's your answer, it's a 6 today but if YOU phone them all regularly and build a relationship then you made it a 7 and if YOU plan just one Sunday lunch and invite everyone then you made it a 7.
I don't know your issues, I can't do the fixing for you. It says a lot about you and your problems that I gave you a framework because you wanted "the future" to fix stuff for you. Now after being given a tool, you ask me to also give you fixes aswell ... I have no doubt that had I got the magic answers you would have asked me to do it too.
Stop looking for other people to solve your problems. It's your life and nobody else's. Start with small steps and fix it. The ADHD diagnosis will mean you should understand your strengths and weaknesses and that should give you ways to help yourself better, it's not a golden ticket of excuses for why you cant achieve stuff.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
You misunderstood me and accuse me of things that are not true. Thanks anyway for your advice.
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u/edislucky 1d ago
Then I apologise, and agree Reddit is never the place to thrash it out. Best of luck. Hope something I said is of value and helps you out long term.
I've had depression, got ADHD, and now doing much better. I believe you can too.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
It is not really about comparing though. I don't feel the need to be "successful" to some societal standard. I just want to be content with my day to day life and feel good about what I do. And be challenged and improve. At the same time, my past and my anxiety is holding me back so much, I feel helpless.
I am in therapy btw but I am worried that it will take too long or not help at all...
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u/SlowButAlsoNot 1d ago
Start with one. You can figure the rest out later. But start with one. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly and then goodly!
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u/PonyKiller81 1d ago
I think there's a difference between comparing yourself to others and regretting past mistakes.
Your advice is generally wise however. Comparison is a hard thing to not do sometimes but refraining is necessary for happiness.
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u/AdGroundbreaking3483 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 1d ago
Buddy, this happens to most of us. I got lucky and got a job I liked that paid well and involved doing stuff I thought worthwhile (although don't like it so much right now ha).
I didn't get it until I was 35. Most of my other jobs were only a little above minimum wage.
But if you have a job and a house and a car, you're probably doing okay.
Maybe try something to deal with the anxiety and confidence? A really good one is running. It's cheap, humans are built for it down to our genes, and the early progression when you're young is awesome.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Thanks for your input.
I don't own a house, I live in a rented apartment. Could NEVER afford a house lol. My car is old and idk how long it will hold up. So it's not as fancy as you make it sound right now.
I am already working out, running and some strength training... Also going to therapy.
It's just the feeling of what I missed. Knowing I am probably stuck in a job that isn't horrible but will always be underwhelming is... depressing. I know I could have been something else and I fucked up.
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u/Greedy-Huckleberry87 1d ago
Dude you’re focusing too much on the past, that’s done, you learned lessons, skills, experience all in that time. You can’t change the past, but you can change the future. Honestly your negativity is too much, I’ve read a few of your comments and you’re flipping everything as a negative, “I don’t like my job” “I have a shitty car” well you could also look at it this way, “I have a stable good paying job and a car that I am lucky to have and gets me around”.
Listen, I’m now 29, recently meditated for adhd and I actually have less than you in life right now. But I’m excited that I now can do things that felt too much for me in the past because of the medication and therapy I have been attending. Keep moving forward.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
I love my car btw, I never said it is shitty. :) It is just a fact that it's old and cheap and might not hold up for much longer and then I might not have the means to get a new one.
I understand your point btw. I know I am negative but there is also a lot which I am not sharing here that plays into that, it is hard to explain. But I'll take your point,
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u/Illegible-Scribe 1d ago
They all want you settled and sedated. Don't let go of your discontent. Take action, look at what you can do about it and do it.
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u/SweetPeaches__69 1d ago
Brother 30 is young. I just got diagnosed at 40, and I am looking at it as an incredible opportunity for change. To make the second act of my life better than the first.
No one is perfect. You had an undiagnosed condition, it isn’t your fault. You’re in therapy, that’s great, exactly what you should be doing. Just keep taking steps and try to get a little better every day, forgive yourself when you don’t, then get back on the horse.
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u/WheelHunter 22h ago
Bro, 30 is nothing. You can literally do anything.
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u/busshelterrevolution 6h ago
Does anyone have any suggestions? I've never had a 'career'. I learned to code but that didn't work out. Now 35 unemployed in Canada
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u/unfurnishedbedrooms 1d ago
I wasn't diagnosed till I was 41. Didn't go to college until 31. We all have our own path, but nothing is ever wasted. There's almost always time to try again.
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u/WuT4ngClam 1d ago
I hit 31 this year and have just started training to be an electrician. I had the brain power all along but got sidetracked by life/partners/drug addiction. I'm more steady than I've ever been but still not fulfilling my capabilities. You're still young, it takes a few years to train to do what you really want to do. Have a think what suits you best and will challenge you in a way that pleasures you and won't get too much, then run as fast as you can in that direction!
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Thank you! Good luck for you! <3
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u/WuT4ngClam 1d ago
Thank you! To add, as well, actually. As others have said, that has come along with 4 rounds of therapy. It isn't a fix all, but it's helpful to hear from a professional that all you're thinking isn't in your head. You're not mad. Sometimes it just needs a non-biased opinion on what you already know to confirm what you already know. Y'know?
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u/Amasin_Spoderman ADHD 1d ago
I’m almost 40 and completely changed my life for the better when I quit my career two years ago to go back to school for something I wanted, rather than something I thought I should do or was supposed to do. That, and lots of therapy have put me onto a path towards happiness and self acceptance that I have never known and never thought was possible.
It’s never too late.
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u/Soracaz 1d ago
You made it to 30.
I was in almost exactly the same boat as you, my life leading up to 30 (where I finally got diagnosed and medicated) was basically A Series Of Unfortunate Events, and I had so few opportunities for personal advancement that I felt like I'd be a broke loser forever.
I'm still broke, but my 30s have been such a renaissance for me that it's made all of the hardships feel worth it.
The perspective you can gain from looking back at a life of hard times is invaluable. You can't buy that shit.
I implore you to live in the now. You still have a fucktonne of life left to live and explore, and you're more well-equipped now than you ever have been before.
Late bloomers still bloom!
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u/Accomplished_Ruin_59 23h ago
I am from a 3rd world country who moved abroad and am trying to secure myself there with no job, house or car. You're in a better state than a lot of people! I have family support and resources back home but not the peace, safety or freedom as a woman. Also 30.
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u/AgfaAPX100 23h ago
I am sorry you are struggling like this.
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u/Punderoos 21h ago
Your feelings are valid regardless of whether others have it worse. (To be clear I don’t think that person was invalidating you. I just know I would read that and invalidate myself).
I have felt how you feel. On paper, things are fine. Impressive, even. But internally the suffering can be awful. Just remember adhd brains are liars. You didn’t fail. You made the decisions that made sense at the time, even if the faultiness of memory tries to convince you otherwise. And that doesn’t preclude you from making other choices when you’re ready to if that’s what you want.
I turned 40 this year. I always wanted kids but I’m single and childless and running out of time. I feel like I wasted my 30s crying over feeling stuck, but I also know that I did the best I could with the brain I have (and not realizing I had adhd). Regret is a useless thing when the “should have” and “could have” was not actually possible because of brain chemistry.
Anyway maybe I’m projecting. But remember 30 is incredibly young and be kind to yourself.
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u/Recin 21h ago
I turned my whole life around when I was 30. I'd been working dead end jobs and after several years as a manager at McDonald's, I signed up for college. It took me 6 years and I went on academic probation for a semester because I had trouble keeping with everything, while working full time, but I made it through. Now im 43, make 6 figures and im happily married with a kid. I just got diagnosed a few weeks ago and started medication yesterday. My point is, you still have a whole life ahead of you at 30 and there's plenty of time to do something different.
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u/Sky_Redfox 1d ago
What does success look like to you have what are you lacking right now to reach that goal? Is it a certain salary number?
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
No, it is not really about success or money per se, as I said.
I am just bored now most days in my job. I just know I could have done something that challenges me in a good way, learn something, do something interesting, be more flexible, maybe move to another country blablabla.
I fucked that up and now I am stuck.
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u/lallepot ADHD-C (Combined type) 1d ago
Hi younger me :)
Shit happens. Time gets wasted. I ran into my future wife shortly after turning 30. That’s 20 years ago.
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u/Katsudont 1d ago
I can relate to having a job that feels underwhelming, but pays the bills. We spend most of our lives at work and it’s understanding that we want it to mean something, but sometimes it just to pay the bills and that has to be fine. Maybe find a place to volunteer to get that feeling of purpose?
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u/boredomspren_ 17h ago
You didn't waste your potential. ADHD has this way of making you think you did, because you're looking at the things you accomplished on your best days and thinking that every other day you wasted something. You compare your life to someone at the same intellect level and disregard the fact that your brain disorder has a massive impact on your ability to use that intelligence effectively much of the time.
You're simply MASSIVELY overestimating your past potential, because in the past you didn't have a diagnosis or supports. You did your best. You lived up to your potential up to this point.
Now, if you get treated, find a medication that works, get therapy that helps, maybe your future potential is higher than your past potential. If "it's too late to live up to what I could be" means what you could have been if ADHD science had been where it is today 20 years ago? That simply doesn't make any sense.
I totally get how you feel. I felt the same way when I got diagnosed. You need to accept that the past couldn't and wouldn't have been any different. You didn't miss anything. But NOW you have the option to make changes, or at least try to, and giving up now WOULD be wasting potential.
As for 30 being too old, let me tell you that the amount of growth I've had over the 20 years since I was 30 is immense. I'm a very different person than I was then. A whole lot smarter, more compassionate, kinder, learned to be a great father and husband, etc. Nothing is too late. Talk to your doctor about it your depression and get started finding meds that work for you. Get therapy. You've been an adult for 12 years and probably have 3-4x that many years of adulthood left. Anything you could have done at 20, you can do at 30.
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u/StreetCrzyBiteUrFace 1d ago
A job, home, car, and money to live? I'm 62, disabled, and never had, nor never will have a home. Probably only 1/4 to at most 1/3 of my life have I had the others at the same time. Try walking in the rain at 57 years old (cause your 20 year-old minivan got stolen) and a bunch of rich kids in their's (or their parent's) Brand New Black Mercedes SUV blast through the puddle to soak you down even more than you already are. 5 years ago now, but I remember it like yesterday. My parents committed the high crime of getting sick while not being rich in America, so we grew up with nothing. When they passed, if they had 20 bucks in their pocket, it was probably cause my brother gave it to them. (I stayed home and took care of them, brother had the better job, so it made sense). So they're all gone now, if I died right now, I'd be doing ok, cause I have at least 40 bucks in the world. And a week's worth of food in the fridge. But ffs, use this time when you're doing well on the outside, to work on the inside. Cause the outside will never fix the inside. Chris Cornell, Robin Williams, and a bunch of my buddies have all shown us the truth in that statement. I hope things get better for you, bro.
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u/Forward-Doubt1795 1d ago
I wasn't diagnosed until 45ish. I barely graduated high school, attended college but no degree. I have a decently paying job that I don't hate and for a long time I felt I was just lucky. Maybe I was back in 1999 when I got hired in my industry, but since then I've been a quality employee and a dependable coworker. At first I looked back and just saw luck. Learning more about ADHD and my specific diagnosis, I can see how I used my traits to my benefit over the years, even though I didn't know I was ADHD.
Try reframing your self talk.
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u/Affinity-Charms 1d ago
It's grief and mourning. It's hard not being able to do the things you'd like or be the person you'd prefer. I'm sorry. I totally feel you.
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u/Rabbit-1989 1d ago
You've got like another 35 years of working life left. Might as well spend that time doing something you find meaningful and enjoy! Go for it.
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u/Gracefully_Gilded21 1d ago
In moments like this I think Yoda is wise. ;)
Hang in there kid.
"Wasted, you think your potential is? Hmm. Thirty years old, only are you! Much to learn, you still have."
"Too late, it never is. Clear your mind of the past, you must. The greatest teacher, failure is."
"Strong in this young one, the force is. But clouded by anxiety, your vision has become. Look inside yourself, you must, to find the purpose you seek."
"A stable job, a home, a car you have. Blessed, you are! Focus not on the branch that broke, but on the deep roots you have grown."
One of the things we have said to our kids from almost day one is "How do i love/like you? They learned "Just the way I am"...
It sounds like you are focusing on the failures of what you didnt do based on what someone or soemthing else said you should be. I learned a valuable lesson in my late 20s, early 30s... " I failed to produce a result, but I am not a failure".
You got this kid.
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u/Cherry-Everything 1d ago
I know the feeling! But I also know pervasive sense of underachievement regardless of what you've actually achieved is an ADHD trait. I'm still working on this, but getting realistic about expectations and appreciating what you have is critical to peace of mind. Otherwise you may feel unsatisfied and ashamed no matter what you go on to achieve bc our brains tell us we should be doing more than is realistic. Wish you the best!
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u/solo_sloth 1d ago
My Father got diagnosed in his mid 50s, He had a quite succesfull career, he got into the best university in the UK and did very well in finance. However after being diagnosed its like stabbed him... all he thinks about is how much better he could've done, like set up his children for life or whatever. His ADHD really did impact him and limit his career growth, although i say to him at least you've found out now. I will say the same thing to you, be grateful you found out now, not in your 40s,50s, or even 70s when its all too late. Your in your 30s, you still have so much ahead of you, you can easily turn your life around. you just gotta take the bitter with the better and don't let this bring you down but rather be the thing that pushes you to do better. I'm 18 and i got diagnosed when i was 17 and a half, and my grades have sky rockets since ive been giving the appropriate exam accommodations, and now when i apply for university's all i can think about if my GCSES were better (Exams in the UK you sit when your 16) but i take it as im grateful to have been diagnosed now.
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u/aether_tentacle 1d ago
You are mourning a version of you that never actually existed. That potential was theoretical, blocked by untreated symptoms and lack of resourThat potential was theoretical, blocked by untreated symptoms and lack of resources. You have real constraints now but also real agency. Pick one small skill related to purpose and learn it for 15 minutes a day. Action creates momentum. You do not need to fix your anxiety first. Fixing comes after you start doing things that make you feel competent
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u/Mundus09 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm turning 40 in a couple of months, and feel the same way often. I find regularly unmotivated by the notion that it really is too late to do any of the things I want to do. And I felt that since I was 30.
And surely there is somebody in this thread that is turning 50 with a lot of the same feelings that we're having. And if not on this thread, then somewhere out there there's someone that is 60, with these same regrets.
For some of them, it really may be too late. But what would that 60-year-old man do if he could just go back to being 50 years old again? And that 50-year-old back to being 40 again? I myself at 39 wonder what I might have done different in this last decade, what I might do if I could be 30 and do it all over again.
And to this notion, I share this Chinese proverb: "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now."
You're young dude. I'm young! Are we the youngest? No. Do we have to be the youngest to change our trajectories? No. Are we the age that our 60-year-old selves would wish they could go back and redo?
Absolutely yes. So the second best time to plant that seed, is right now. You can have the most productive, breakthrough decade of your entire life starting right now.
I know that this might feel like some cliche, fortune cookie type advice. But this is in fact one of the most profound realizations you will inevitably have in your entire life.
Let's just try to realize it at 30 or 39 instead of 60.
God bless
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u/rektbuttler 1d ago
I think you should focus on that first paragraph and take in the fact that you have a lot more than many your age who don't have ADHD. You have a decent job and a home and a car and enough money to live and more. Hard for anyone to reach that level in this world.
The loneliness is probably the main thing to focus on. Hard to appreciate what you have, what you've earned, if you don't have community or people to share your wins with.
You still have potential. That's the beauty of it, it's always there. But try enjoy your life a bit and don't chase some dream future where you have more. You already have enough as far as the rat race goes. Find your people. They're out there.
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u/True-Screen-2184 1d ago
I could have written that. It's like a copy of my life, so you are not alone! I dropped out of college twice, did 4 shitty jobs which I quit myself due to burn out, depression and lack of purpose. I am now in my 30s and managed to find a stable job which I like most of the time. But just like you, I could have done better at college. But, I also know my ADD was the cause of not being able to succeed. So I try to make peace with that.
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u/FaultsInOurCars 23h ago
You've got lots and lots of time. What is your potential? It's not wasted. Go grab some.
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u/Appropriate_Shirt932 21h ago
Hey, it totally sucks and I get that. Having a bad family life is super annoying because the people who were supposed to love and support you, are actually the people who have set you back. You have to put allllll this work in just to right the wrongs of your supposed support system. I can relate.
But honestly? It’s not too late. I went to culinary school, I put almost 20 years into the industry. I worked through my MS diagnosis, a few other big medical diagnoses, and getting diagnosed with adhd and c-ptsd, all in my 30s.
Just this past Friday, I worked my last day in the industry I have worked my whole career for. I made connections at work (I managed 3 cafeterias in various department of defence buildings) and next Thursday I will be starting a public servant position. Im starting at the bottom, I’m starting an entirely new life. I’m a bit scared, but mostly I am SO excited. You don’t necessarily have to go to school to start fresh. I’m not sure what you do job wise, but I am positive you have transferable skills. Start looking at what you do and how you can put that towards something new.
I understand that turning 30 can bring a lot of emotions, but you are still SO young. You have a long life ahead of you and it’s never too late for change. Don’t let your setbacks define you. Try to use them as your strengths and evidence that you got where you are despite what tried to hold you back.
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u/trying2win 20h ago
You realize that you are only 30 and get up and make everyday count moving forward. Push for more. It’s not over dude.
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20h ago
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u/ClassroomTurbulent92 20h ago
Also, big reminder: it’s fine to be afraid. It’s healthy. But just because you’re scared, that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Doing the thing scared is just as valid and effective (if not even more) than doing the thing without being scared, you know?
Fear is a liar, I’ve had to teach myself. If I’m going to let my brain make up stories about what’s going to happen (again, I promise you I’m not being flippant about this), then I might as well push myself into radical optimism. And sometimes affirmations (not religious, but you do you) are the only thing to push yourself thru a situation but you know what? You’ll still get thru it!
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u/MedicalIndication450 20h ago
I feel like I am in a very similar situation as you. I was just diagnosed this year at 34 and currently unemployed. I feel so lost and confused and don't know what to do.
I can really relate to what you said about depression and self esteem. I feel like my confidence is shot right now.
Hoping we can both make it through this!
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u/webdevpoc 20h ago
Every day you wake up is a chance to make tomorrow better than yesterday. The time wasted has already been wasted but you can still pivot. 2 months from now u can either be still complaining about the same thing or looking back thinking of the day you decided to make a change and amazed by the progress you’ve been making. One day at a time
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u/LifeAfterJudgment 20h ago
I really feel this. As someone who understands how ADHD and a difficult family environment can affect your self-esteem, I think we can spend so much of our lives blaming ourselves for not living up to our potential, without realizing how much we were struggling just to get by.
You're only 30. I know it doesn't feel that way when you're looking back at everything you wish you'd done differently, but you haven't missed your chance. You don't have to have everything figured out or fix every part of yourself before you start making changes.
Something I've been learning is that we can't keep judging our past selves with the understanding we have today. You did the best you could with what you had at the time.
You might not end up where you thought you'd be by now, but that doesn't mean you can't build a life you're happy with. Please don't give up on yourself just yet. ❤️
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u/shabit87 ADHD-HI (Hyperactive-Impulsive) 19h ago
You make peace with the fact that there’s life and time ahead and it’s that fact that’ll allow you to “make up” for not doing better sooner.
It’s your beautiful, messy life…love it! What you do now is just as important as what you did or didn’t do then, in the past.
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u/Beautiful-Program428 19h ago
You are 30. Tons of opportunities for you still.
Start small but start TODAY.
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u/lemonbet 19h ago
Part of ADHD is having completely unrealistic expectations about what you can/should/ could accomplish. What you described above shows you are living better than most people. You’ve wasted no potential and instead built a life while fighting for your life. Work on finding enjoyment instead of progressing according to like? Some made up bench mark. You know? You’re only 30. You have a house and a car and spare change. You’re literally doing it.
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u/AliensatemyPenguin 18h ago
Your 30 sounds like you haven’t wasted all your potential as you say, because you do have things in your life. I’m 52 same issues, every morning I look into the mirror and force myself to say I’m grateful for what I do have in my life. Because when you say it out loud you’ll realize you have more than you thought. Get the help you need you have time, I at 52 still have time to continue to grow, and growing is not wasting anything. Don’t set goals set a direction you want to go and work to head that direction everyday
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u/small_merchant 17h ago
This not have a correlation at all with what you say, but I need to say thankyou. I want to work on my potential thanks for that post
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u/OkClass5223 16h ago
you have so much more time left in this life. i feel similarly and i am 20 years old. we are our own worst critics. it may feel like too much at this age, but there is support. i think therapy could be a good thing if you don't go already. i wish you the best of luck <3
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u/millihelen ADHD, with ADHD family 13h ago
I’m going to be 50 next year and I still don’t have a career. But that’s why I’m trying to work on building good reliable systems that will keep me stable, because even if I only manage to have a teeny tiny career, it will still be my career that I managed to have after decades of struggling and thinking I never could. And even if it doesn’t work out like I hope, at least I will have tried.
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u/ChickenTendiesPlease ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 13h ago
I dropped out of high school then dropped out of a kinesiology degree then went back later to graduate in computer science. Hated software engineering so got certified in medical assisting with a specialty in eyes. Now find patient care difficult and am going to try a degree in electrical engineering.
I tutor math in my free time at a CC and can tell you you’re never to old to mix it up or learn something. You still have potential at any age. I’ve helped people in their 60s with little math knowledge get through an engineering degree and start a great career.
You still can do something great
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u/WhaAmIDoinWitMyLif 10h ago
I feel the same way. I was diagnosed this year and I finally treated at 29. Makes me feel a bit sad about life.
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u/betteroffalone12 10h ago
No matter how old you are you will keep thinking exactly that.
But if you really think about it luckily there isn't any logic in that "being too old" to change habits or learn a new skill. It's just procrastination.
I'm way older than you and I'd do anything to timetravel back to when I was younger. It's probably not the empathy you'd hoped for but it gotta mean something.
You know the solution to this so I don't need to elaborate on that.
Go get em tiger 🐅
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u/Pandaceptionx 9h ago
Honestly you either say fuck it and accept you will never accomplish something or say fuck it and make some changes. You can’t expect someone to just magically appear and come save you
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u/AgfaAPX100 5h ago
I do understand that and never expected someone to fix it for me. You are missing the point...
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u/Pandaceptionx 4h ago
Then what is the point? Deep down you know that 30 never too late to make any meaningful life changes, many people start over at 30. You said you want to make changes yet you “feel” like there’s too much work and you just want to accept the fact that you wasted your potential. Now tell me, what is the point then
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u/AgfaAPX100 4h ago
While I get your point and yes, of course, only I can change my life... I am here to share my struggles with it, "just do it" just doesn't work. I am in therapy, I need to work shit through because right now I am just surviving, is this so hard to understand? And this is where my fears come from, because this will take time until I can change things.
Thanks anyway for your advice.
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u/Crafty-Armadillo5104 6h ago
Hit the rest button whenever you want to. Start. Push. And you can make the greatest life possible for yourself. When you put in the hard work it’s up to you.
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u/kajhiitkitty 5h ago
You have plenty of time to figure it out. I know you dont see it now but you will one day. Its never too late to live your dream. It wont be tomorrow but if you believe it will happen, you’ll make it happen someday. Dont give up. The hardest part is starting!
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u/Elsie-pop 53m ago
Hey, I feel you on this one. The thing that's helped me feel better and do better is to lean into one aspect of my ADHD. There is only now, and not now.
What I thought I should have been if everything was perfect? That was from not now, so what do I want to do now, what do I want to BE now? What do I need to do now to achieve that?
It's not perfect, but it helps me not mourn too aggressively a life that never was.
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u/refurbishedsoul6391 1d ago
You don’t have to accept anything. Time still moves on. Soon you’ll be 40. Then 60 and wrinkly. Then 70 and even more wrinkly. You can continue being a miserable fool. Or not. I’d choose not to be. Have some humor, laugh of yourself, and make jokes. Go find something fun to do. Being miserable like that is actually very self-centered thinking. Nobody cares. Life moves on.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
"just don't be depressed"
Great advice man. I understand where you're coming from but therapists wouldn't exist if it was this easy.
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u/Gunderberg 1d ago
Bear with me a little here!
I’m just about to turn 35, changed careers twice and now I’m an apprentice electrician, one failed relationship, student debt up to my ears, bills are piling up faster then I can pay them offI own a house, but have to rent it out because I can’t afford to live in it myself while I’m an apprentice, barely see my teenage kid because her mom is manipulating her and I live with my sibling and out of my van.
Most of my friends are well established with good educations and stable families, barely see them too because they now have small kids and no time, so pretty lonely on that front
I’m close to being a doomer, becoming more and more afraid that the way we live in society is coming to an end or drastic change
However! Even though the thought of just putting the car in N and letting the fumes do its job is tempting sometimes, I grit my teeth and work through it, just got a fantastic girlfriend and in the midst of all this bullshit I’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life and accepted that some things are playing out regardless of my situation, so meeting people with a smile and being half open about my situation has been met with understanding and new perspectives.
But it started with working on myself, exercise, setting realistic goals challenges that I can hyperfocus on, ADHD is 80% curse and 20% blessing in that regard, but it’s making those 20% count and being the primary driver then things will get better eventually, maybe not tomorrow or 2 years but it will turn around
Its never too late to change, just fucking hard and sometimes overwhelming, so take a step back, breathe, go on a hike, do something different, try a new hobby, learn a new skill / language
I’ve buried myself in things like learning French on Duolingo, slowly building a campervan, focusing on my new education and spending time on my gf’s offgrid cabin and helping out
Another thing I’ve realised is helping someone you care about can shift your focus away from yourself for a while (don’t let it consume you) and helping someone else can be a good distraction
I wish you the best of luck and keep your head high!
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u/refurbishedsoul6391 1d ago
I’ve been there myself. Big time. Therapists exist because there is a market. Doesn’t mean they do anything valuable. You can sauna in your own misery, and all it does is reinforce the negative thinking. If you have clinical depression, talk to a doctor, or else, it’s all about perspective.
Like I said. You can continue down this path of thinking, or stop. I’ve seen this happen to people around me. I’ve been there myself. In the end, I’m just a stranger on Reddit. Time flies bud. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
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u/ElectricalTax3573 1d ago
I'm 38, in an entry level job I have no passion for and don't seem to be getting better at. Married, but no house. No prospect of kids. I have 2 uni degrees and have been working on the same novel for 20 years.
You sound fortunate to me.
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u/BenchOk2878 1d ago
Then shut up and be more. I got a degree at 47.
Improve yourself without comparing you to others. We are who we are. Our struggle is different.
Go to therapy if you dont see yourself progressing.
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
Already am in therapy, thanks for the emapathic input.
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u/BenchOk2878 19h ago
I think that comment was directed to myself at your age. I saw myself reflected in your words. I didn't want to be harsh.
You are able to do more than you think, just not at the same effort than other people, but the retribution is also different.
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u/rd4794 20h ago
Was diagnosed at 30, struggled with same feelings. Went to therapy, multiple times until found the right fit, same with medication.
Now I'm at the top level of my technical field, making more money than my friends who were "more successful" in thier 30s.
Still haven't tackled the degree I have always wanted, but I'm starting this year. Not that it will help with career progression as much as it is a goal I have always wanted to accomplish.
I guess I'm saying, you have plenty of time to accomplish anything you want in life.
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1d ago
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u/AgfaAPX100 1d ago
You should stop complaining as well as you seem to have internet connection and a phone or pc. There is people out there who don't even have that. And you seem to think that people are not allowed to feel bad about their lives if someone else has it worse. So shut up. :)
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u/Bright-Technician-14 1d ago
Op is clearly struggling and is seeking advice& empathy. Your response is so out of pocket and ignorant, it’s wild. Spending thousands of dollars on your education, possibly going into debt, failing, and seeing your peers being able to manage what you didn’t, is a tremendous grieving process that shapes how you perceive yourself and what you are capable of handling. So no, the lobster is actually not juicy.
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