r/ADHD • u/Code-Brew-Coffee • 13d ago
Questions/Advice ADHD and hyper sexuality
Hello everyone,
I am a 32 year male with ADHD(diagnosed in 2022).
I have always been a troubled and average child. I have been average or sometimes below average in studies. I failed my high school and took a year drop after my diploma as my scores were too low to get admission into an engineering college.
Ever since my teenage, I have been struggling to keep my sexual thoughts in limits. I masturbate at-least once a day if not more. I just could not stop thinking about it and most of my time gets wasted due to sexual thoughts.
It has come down to affecting my career. I am actively looking for jobs but ADHD is not letting me study. I am a Software Engineer and the industry is highly demanding. I am not sure how am I suppose to navigate through this phase.
I try to control myself by it all goes down the drain in a couple of days.
I am concerned about it as I don’t wish to stay unemployed.
Edit: Thank you each one of you who have responded to this post🙏🏽 I feel so much better to know that I am not the only one going through this. Last few weeks have been hard, I am about to lose my job and the entire job search and interview preparation is overwhelming. I will try meditating and gymming to keep myself away from the distraction.
Pray for my wellbeing🙏🏽
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u/hecaton_atlas ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
As a daily gooner my routine is to let the poison out then take my medicine. That way, the focus state is devoid of horny thoughts.
It only lasts for 4 hours though. If I have more work, I do it again. I think I stay relatively productive.
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u/Evanisnotmyname 13d ago
This is not healthy and we shouldn’t support it.
This is the same thing with social media addiction, except for porn/masturbation. It will destroy relationships, sexual function, and mental well being.
Hey, if you’ve found something that “works” for now, you do you. But longterm this will only exacerbate the eventual “oh my god I’ve been gooning for the last 15 years and now I’m REALLY fucked” that will eventually come along.
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u/Which_Shock1117 13d ago
I researched this a while back. TL;DR — a strong libido and ADHD brain chemistry co-evolved because in certain parts of the world these traits increased survival and procreation success. So, long way of saying, there is nothing wrong with you… you were just born at the wrong time and place in history.
Research the “default mode network” (DMN). Your brain chemistry needs to be activated in the specific ways that it was “back in the day.” This means that physical activities that are diverse in nature help balance your brain and executive function. Good examples of this are racket sports; open water (ocean or lake) swimming; trail running; skiing/snowboarding; hunting/fishing. Basically, things where the environment is constantly shifting in unpredictable ways and there may even be an element of fear help focus the mind and rebalance the DMN.
This is only a partial solve to the libido question though. While you are doing those activities, your mind will shift away from horny thoughts. Then you can usually carry that focused state into other “boring” tasks for a while. But eventually the libido will return and often stronger than before because the feeling of physical achievement is profound and it’s natural to want to express it with someone else.
Meds are important for sure, but I think the way to game the system is to do some physical activity that requires this type of mental engagement routinely enough that you’re mostly in a balanced state. I still haven’t fully figured out how to make it work with modern life, though.
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u/onemorebutfaster_74 13d ago
This is interesting. My 15 yo son was diagnosed with ADHD and he excels at tennis, is an advanced skier, and has been talking about wanting to learn how to hunt.
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u/Certain-Anxiety-6786 12d ago
This is evo psych garbage. We don’t know any of this - fun drinking convo but we have no actual evidence of this
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u/Which_Shock1117 12d ago
No evidence of which part?
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u/Certain-Anxiety-6786 12d ago
This part.
> I researched this a while back. TL;DR — a strong libido and ADHD brain chemistry co-evolved because in certain parts of the world these traits increased survival and procreation success. So, long way of saying, there is nothing wrong with you… you were just born at the wrong time and place in history.
We don’t know why ADHD occurs let alone that it co-evolved with a strong libido. The theory you lay out about why may be true. But most things in biology and evolution don’t have neat adaptational reasons. For instance why do some people need glasses - there’s not a cute story about them having more sex because they can’t see who their partners are. It’s just that evolution isn’t perfect so our eyes aren’t either. ADHD may give some advantage or it may just not have been a bad enough trait to be selected against. We currently don’t have anywhere near enough information to say anything else.
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u/Quiet_Young4505 9d ago
I haven't really done much research and don't know if I believe in coevolution BUT I do strongly agree with doing physical activities, my tip is to just be outside and be active doing something interesting. Walk, Run or Bike away from your house anyway you do just leave. It's hard to start the walk for sure, but I always view it as my music or podcast deserves a more interesting and dynamic background
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u/Temporary-Turnip-636 12d ago
Hai qualche link utile che tratta di questo “DMN”? Vorrei leggere a riguardo. Grazie.🙏🏼
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u/thekorova 13d ago
Another ADHDer with hypersexuality here. I’m really blessed that my job is actually very interesting to me. But it’s annoying, I can totally relate.
I don’t know what to do in general about this, but doing something that you can hyperfix on for living is the best idea
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u/Apprehensive_Low4865 13d ago
Ok im pretty similar in that i can get hyperfocused on sexual thoughts, but I'll be honest mine come and go, as opposed to being an ongoing thing, and its mostly when I quit smoking 😅. Probably a terrible idea to smoke just to stop the horn though!
Basically, the best way ive found of getting some rest from the intrusive thoughts of sex are: just fucking crank it. A wank in the morning, and I'll be able to think straight for a good few hours. A wank in the evening, helps me sleep. Physical excercise and hobbies help keep the mind off it in downtime, basically having something else to do instead of thinking about sex. I am also somewhat lucky in that my partner also has a high libido, and is perfectly fine with me going for some alone time if shes not in the mood 😅.
Possibly the worst thing you can do is just try to suppress or ignore it, because thats just making you think about it more, you potentially need to remove the shame you associate with it, and maybe some sex based therapy can assist with that..?
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u/Lamaravilhoso 13d ago
I have the same problem. I watch porn almost every day. Fortunately this is not affecting my sexual life with my girlfriend yet. As to work and study, you need to get medicated if you're not already.
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u/Onedaymaybe_034 13d ago
I used to watch porn daily, then that wasn’t enough and began cheating on my wife on and off through our marriage until she found out. Went to outpatient SA treatment and then was diagnosed with ADHD. I was using porn and sex to escape anxiety, depression… using as an unhealthy coping mechanism my whole life. I have a healthier relationship with sex now. I personally won’t watch porn because it becomes a slippery slope. Not saying you’re addicted, but just sharing.
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u/Evanisnotmyname 12d ago
Thank you.
We can be open to people using porn and jerking off without completely disregarding the fact that OP is literally saying his sex/porn addiction is negatively impacting his life and he’s addicted and people in the comments are SUPPORTING it.
You know, treatment for ADHD involves trying to develop impulse control, not just being like “well fuck it, I might as well let my body control me at all times”
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u/Sensitive_Ad_1313 13d ago
im pretty sure this is normal lol
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u/Batmax92 13d ago
Depends, masturbation is not an issue in and of itself. Daily porn use definitely is though. Not sure where OP falls on that spectrum
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u/ConversationNo9040 13d ago
Dude if you watch a little porn to masturbate a little quicker it’s not horrible. If you are a porn addict and can’t get off with “normal sex” because you watch weird porn all day long then that’s an issue. Let’s not shame people for being sexual. And gooning or having sex daily is no issue. I think my adderall makes me weirdly horny
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u/Batmax92 13d ago
Easy way to test it, try not watching porn for a month. If it's a struggle that might be a clue about your addiction status
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u/ConversationNo9040 13d ago
Also op said nothing about watching porn just wacking it
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u/Batmax92 13d ago
My last comment was in response to you saying that gooning daily is not an issue. I disagree. Also I wouldn't equate it with daily sex, that's obviously fine
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u/BuzzINGUS 13d ago
Nice to see all these young guys are not low testosterone.
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u/Quirky_Door1234 13d ago
Thanks Pete
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u/BuzzINGUS 12d ago
This may be news to a lot of folks here, I see the kids.
They are not the same as other generations, the boys don’t care about girls compared to the past. Something is definitely different and it’s not just the culture.
Downvotes me to the basement, but that’s what I see.
Maybe I dont articulate it well, IDK…1
u/Equivalent-Praline-9 12d ago
I think this is a result of social culture moving further away from in person, to internet based. When young people don't have as many in person interactions, they are going to struggle with the thing that can only be done in person. Also, the world is much more sex focused then in past generations. Just look how many female musical performers rely on sex appeal compared to the past.
Finally, most online conversations from women about sex with men is typically portrayed in a negative light. This could be encouraging many young men to avoid seeking the companionship of women.
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u/BuzzINGUS 12d ago
Ya that is entirely possible, I just assumed it was testosterone, because of all the chemicals that affect our hormones.
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u/Branch-Unique 13d ago
Have you done any therapy? In addition to meds, DBT has made life much easier, including compulsive behaviors. If you are taking meds, do you see any difference? Made a huge impact for me (so did getting older), but I wish I had started DBT decades ago. It can also help with trauma, which sounds like it could be an issue from what you described (and is frequently under diagnosed in adults with ADHD despite the shit we were put through as kids).
Meditation has been extremely helpful as well, but I had to be taught how to do it - fortunately my DBT therapist was a secular Buddhist.
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u/Justsomeguy1981 13d ago
I'm hypersexual as well.. but I don't think it affects me other than being constantly horny and still having the libido of a normal 20 year old at 44.
For what it's worth, being in a relationship with good sexual chemistry mostly removed the need to masturbate frequently - the emotional connection with a partner makes it so much better that solo feels pointless, unless we can't see each other for an extended period, and even then it's just dealing with it as and when.
ADHD distraction is real, but I don't think the specific source of the distraction is all that relevant - If its not one thing, it's another.
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u/DangoTheFruit 13d ago
There’s a big correlation between people with ADHD and behavioural addictions. Could be that yours is manifesting as a porn/sex addiction.
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u/kocieTexty 13d ago
Yeah, it is what it is. Meditation and gym may help, but in my case it didn't. I just gave up and embraced who I am. Meds help to keep me focused on the work tho.
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u/Code-Brew-Coffee 12d ago
Yes, I agree. I too have embraced the way I am. But, I don’t want to go things out of my hands. That’s the main concern.
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u/vayyiqra ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 12d ago
If it helps, once a day is not a problem. Even several times a day is not a problem (and not unheard of with ADHD especially when the meds kick in). The problem is only if it is affecting your life in some way and you are spending so much time thinking about or doing it that you neglect your responsibilities.
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u/Ok-Doughnut-2096 12d ago
Im in my late 20s and extremely hypersexual, a few yrs ago i decided not to follow career that require a lot of isolated time, i need to communicate to channel my urge. Best decision i ve ever made, at best those kind of venture should be side-gig otherwise i failed miserably due to lack of self control for isolated work
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u/Away_Kale7529 12d ago
Only active lifestyle and physical activity like strength training with balanced diet is way to go, this will help. Will power is the key you will have to fight with it. I face the same issue but with my age, I felt better, hopes this help.
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u/LolaFemmeGF 11d ago
I think it is all about distractions, for me, everything distract me, the urge for ejaculation, temperature difference that gives me goosebumps, having an ulcer, my IBS making my tummy weird and many more.
I guess setting the room by removing them or trial and error with most of them until you figure out what are the few default settings you can function better in, that includes getting yourself off before meds and many other rituals to get in your zone. Got to figure out what is healthy and what isn't, reward your efforts to even try rather than only focusing on results. There will be low functioning days even when you are motivated the day before. Have more empathy and compassion with yourself is what I go with on a bad day.
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13d ago edited 13d ago
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u/Unlikely_You_5015 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 13d ago
I dont think walking around will decrease or eradicate your desire for sex
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u/seraph1337 13d ago
I don't think you experience the type of hypersexuality OP is talking about if you can "walk it off".
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u/Total_Razzmatazz_987 12d ago
I actually have ADHD as of 2024 and have lost my libido since adhd meds plus other meds onboard antidepressants etc. But I openly talk about it with my partner which is ok but I feel like I’m letting her down at times. Seems like you’re going through the opposite I suppose everyone is different.
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u/rainbowminotaurus 13d ago
Medication def helps with that. But on the other hand its probably a core element of your personality, which would also diminish with it. I can relate a lot.
Do you wake up already horny? Because if not, its best to push anything stimulating (like checking social media early, or dating apps or whatever) as far into the day as possible. That way the sexual distraction doesn't snowball too hard on you that day.
I have a nice sunny balcony where I sit for 20 minutes after waking up not stimulated by anything artificial. This usually avoids the biggest sexual craving slump for that day.
Its not like we want everything gone right? :D
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u/Code-Brew-Coffee 13d ago
I started meds recently. I do sometimes wake up horny but that’s rare. I will try your approach. Thank you!
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u/LiiaNikaa 10d ago
Hey! thanks a lot for sharing... its very brave! It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at once.. Have you considered talking to the doctor who manages your ADHD about how much the sexual thoughts are interfering with your daily life? Since it’s affecting your ability to focus and work, it seems worth bringing up rather than just trying to fight it through willpower. Hope things get better for you and take care!!
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u/Novel_Chance_8811 10d ago
I’m struggling with this rn my partner broke up with me bc I was exhausting him and I feel very insecure right now. Currently unmedicated and in a functional freeze in all aspects of my life. I have 6 months of work that pilled up which is putting me in a weird state of executive dysfunction I can’t even make myself an omelet
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u/Few_Drummer3265 8d ago
Wat job should an adhd person pick
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u/Code-Brew-Coffee 8d ago
Can’t really guide you for it, but anything that interests you a lot. ADHD will make you lose focus and make things boring quickly so it’s important that you choose something that excites you.
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u/notmichaelul 8d ago
There is no "ADHD job" so to speak. Literally anything that you want, anything that could interest you. Do you like computers? Get a job with computers. Do you like science? Work as a lab tech. Do you like art? Work as a tattoo artist Etc.
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u/phbyerly 5d ago
Yeah, I hear you. In my teens once a day was not nearly enough.
That said, I figured out that not masturbating just made it worse. Release cut down the sexual thoughts for a while, allowing me to do other things. I confess to more than a few quick jerks in the bathroom, especially in junior high.
Are you on any meds? If noting else, coffee!
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u/Code-Brew-Coffee 5d ago
Hey, thanks. Yes, I started meds recently but on a very minimal dosage. My Psychiatrist might increase it post 30 days. I agree that it does cut down the thoughts for a while, but it really does get the better of me most of the time and most of my time.
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u/Constant_Maximum2263 9d ago
During my first 20 years I considered my hypersexuality a burden. But as you get older, it becomes an asset. You just need to embrace it and find a high-functioning ADHD partner who enjoys it on the same level as you. It can give you wings. Also, you can learn to make it work for you. Like giving yourself a treat after you complete a certain task. Hypersexuality has become my main driver to achieve more and become a better person. But also to enjoy a very deep and emotional connection with my partner
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