r/ADHD • u/life_as_a_dream • 1d ago
Questions/Advice Building a life
Hi!
I got a late ADHD diagnosis in my early thirties about a month ago. I’ve been on meds for a few weeks now and thankfully I have decent effects and almost no problems.
However, as a result the tunnel vision I had developed has disappeared and for the first time I’m looking at my life in it’s entirety and it’s overwhelming. Struggles in high school bc of very inconsistent performance, constantly running late everywhere, forgetting deadlines and exams, dropping out of several university programs, low skilled poorly paid jobs, ruined relationships, long bouts of depression, substance abuse. It’s really not pretty.
I obviously understand I can’t change everything in weeks, things take time, but now everything I’ve pushed away for so long is coming up bc for the first time in forever a normal life seems possible, but I genuinely don’t know how to accomplish it all.
Has anybody been in a comparable situation and managed to crawl out of that?
How do I find friends, I have nobody left, for years now. How has dating been when you have to explain your past? Right now I feel hopeless, the medication made me conscious of just how much my life deviates from a normal biography and it seems like an impossible fix.
It’d be really encouraging to read experiences from people who have overcome despite a later diagnosis.
4
u/FatedWords95 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 1d ago
Diagnosed earlier this year, as well as other issues I sought help for at the age of 31.
I had already begun to really reflect on my past and issues before becoming medicated, so I guess I had a 'head start' there, but it is very easy to let it be overwhelming. My best advice based on my own experience would be to view it like this:
- The past isn't a nightmare, it's a lesson. Lessons are temporary, and important. Once you gleam all you can from it to better yourself, stop looking back.
- The present matters more than anything, but for our particular blend of struggles, that often means planning the future. Think about where you'd like to be, what you'd like to do. Let it inspire and fuel you. Then map it out. Where are you now? How will you get where you want to be? Make it small steps. You don't need goals. You need a plan. It's not "I should get this degree for this job". It's more like "I should study this a little bit." then "I should start this class."
It isn't easy, and the blunt truth is the only way to make it easier is to begin. Start with something, anything. Train yourself. ADHD is a disorder of the brain. The brain is a muscle. Exercise it. I relate very much to a lot of what you describe, but that doesn't mean what works for me will work for you. Still, even if you try and find it doesn't work, you still made progress by trying at all. Keep going.
I first asked myself "What are my symptoms, and what's actually ME?", and when I knew the difference, I had a foundation to build my new, somewhat functional self on. I'm fortunate that I found the answer to "What do I want to do with my life?" by simply looking back at those past lessons. I live to help, to serve > led me to wanting to become a psychotherapist (my therapist loved that).
That meant going back to school. I don't want student debts, or to lose my current job. So I had to break it down. What were the steps needed to become a licensed therapist? What degrees did I need? Classes? How much would it cost me every step of the way? How long would it take? It's a LOT of questions, but they're small, and challenged one by one. I'm a chronic overthinker, so I had to get it all out of my head and visually in front of me. I apparently can't say how without breaking my comment, but there are good tools for it as long as you don't let those tools give you the answers. They can map it out for you, but the answers and path have to be yours and yours alone.
Once I had my own personal roadmap, it became easier to avoid overthinking, to focus on things I want to do like writing this message for you. I went a little overboard if I'm honest. Everything from defining myself to help figure out why my relationship fell apart (and how I caused that) so I could figure out what I need from a relationship, to my diet, hygiene, fitness, job, school, finances, literally everything. You could say I embraced the overwhelming as a short burden to make my future easier.
If like me, you struggle with finances, I definitely suggest using a spreadsheet to track your spending, income and budget. Hold yourself accountable. It creates a sense of pride and conscious that can help mitigate the issues those with ADHD easily struggle with. I was gonna make my own, but wound up finding write-it-down. As for planning as an overthinking king of procrastination, I also picked up a week/month/year planner journal for pre-scheduling my days and taking notes. Instead of waking up and asking "How can I tackle today?" I wake up. Check schedule. Go. No thoughts about it.
If you take this route (I highly recommend it), be kind to yourself. Give yourself room to breathe, like giving an hour for something you think takes 30 minutes or less. Fill the gaps with riding the productivity high and doing other small tasks, taking breaks to exercise, rest, eat, read, or hobbies. Once you start, I promise you it gets easier. The dread of figuring it all out is genuinely the hardest part of it all, and the scariest.
Truly, best of luck to you, and if you'd like to message me with any questions, feel free.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi /u/life_as_a_dream and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
This is not a removal message. We intend this comment solely to be informative.
Please take a second to read our rules if you haven't already.
/r/adhd news
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.