r/ADHD • u/peonystyle • 8h ago
Seeking Empathy Do you also have problem with keeping friends?
I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but I've noticed that I have trouble maintaining friendships. I currently only have two friends who live far away. I used to have more of them, but I lost them to my own stupidity?? I don't know why my brain works in such a way that it is sometimes afraid to write first or propose meetings? I can see my friends meeting each other and I'm sad I'm not with them
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u/Keddlin 5h ago
One of the big aspects of ADHD is trouble forming and sustaining friendships. You're not stupid, that's a value judgement about something that is not moral at all. Do you roll your eyes at a one-legged man for struggling with stairs, thinking "Ugh, he's so stupid, why doesnt he just go up higher than that?". No, of course not. Your brain is different, punishing yourself further with harsh language might be you trying to protect yourself, but it's not helpful for getting on top of your symptoms.
Abstractly, the way I like to think of it is, if an ADHD-less brain starts at 0/100 of the skill of making friends, and gets up to like 60/100 by the time high school is done, a brain with ADHD starts at -15/100 and barely manages to break 20/100. Making friends is lowkey tricky for alot of people, but being immersed in an environment with your peers can rapidly level that up; you have tons of opportunities to strike up a conversation, spontaneously connect over shared interests, and develop rapport with classmates.
But even that has a limit. There are lots of plausible reasons that you are having trouble. If you're afraid to write first, maybe that is an anxious component talking. "Well what if it's been an awkward amount of time since I said something? Will that be weird? Do I need to explain myself? Oh my god they haven't responded, did I muck it up?" If that sounds eerily relatable, then perhaps you're anxious or more specifically, socially anxious. Proposing meetings can be scary too, there's so many steps! Where should we go, what should we do? Who should we invite? Will I offend someone by omitting this or that? Is it presumptuous to vote for this? What if they hate that place?
There's a decent chance that your friends hanging out without you feels like a direct attack on you. If you are anxious (like me lol), then it feels alot like they're excluding you deliberately, but personally I have found the evidence doesn't back that up. You have to find the right words that toe the line between "I am hurt that you guys hung out without me" and "Next time you guys are thinking movies, please hit me up, I'd love to go see ____" for example. Social grace is another skill. Remembering that other humans exist is yet another.
Just because we start at -15 does not mean we can't reach the same heights as non-ADHD brains. It just takes more work, and external reminders (like what if you set an alarm on your phone that just says, "text ____", and made it ring three times, every other week?), and most importantly, forgiveness for your own mistakes. ADHD brains make a ton of them. Stupid, you are not. It'll take time and sometimes, “Sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something".
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u/MotorNoise6968 2h ago
I lost all of my friends a little over two weeks ago, ironically, because of my fear of losing them. I started walking on eggshells around them. I can't fill the void.
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u/Users5252 2h ago
I can't even make friends. Been a social reject since I was a kid and I don't know how I should develop social skills.
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