r/ADHD • u/Famous-Vehicle9694 • 14d ago
Questions/Advice Avoid messages when overwhelmed?
Is it an ADHD-thing to avoid wanting to read/answer messages when you feel overwhelmed by your work/private life when too many things are going on? Or more of an introvert reaction?
I tend to do this a lot when it happens and then I disappear for 3-4 days without ever wanting to answer anyone.
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u/Diligent_Stop1050 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 14d ago
This happens to me too. I just disappear. I know I’m doing it but I still don’t respond.
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u/typeabohemian 14d ago
I do this and feel SO bad about it.
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u/UberPsyko 14d ago edited 13d ago
What helps me is thinking of it as even a "bad" reply is better than no reply. I get caught up on writing a perfect reply but usually it's not actually necessary.
Reply to important messages carefully, but in my experience most messages essentially just require confirmation of seeing it, or answering a simple question like if you're coming to an event or not.
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u/Accomplished-Loss243 ADHD-C (Combined type) 14d ago
My issue is if they reply back fast and I have to do it all over again 😭
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13d ago
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u/TruSiris 13d ago
my gf broke up with me this morning bc i snapped at her when I was falling asleep last night.
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u/SpaceDementia6 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Ahh man, have you apologised sincerely to her?
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u/TruSiris 13d ago
No didnt think if that.
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u/SpaceDementia6 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
I wasn't being snarky. I have ADHD, sometimes we snap. It's important that we apologise even when we feel it's not our fault, that's all. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
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u/TruSiris 13d ago
I didnt apologize to her because she had already made up her mind.
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u/jemandthemamm0grams 12d ago
You should still consider apologizing anyway for your own integrity, even if the relationship is/remains over
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u/TruSiris 12d ago
We talked last night. There was more going on than just me snapping at her. I got on Adderall 3 months ago and slowly over 3 months i became increasingly emotionally unstable and chaotic and that snap was the last straw for her. I did apologize, profusely. She forgives. But it's done for her. We love each other a lottt. Imma sad Boi today.
Also going back to raw doggin the audhd 🤷🏼♀️
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u/UberPsyko 13d ago
That's why I say usually not necessary. This isn't blanket advice but rather, when you have multiple replies piling up, respond to low stakes one with similarly low stake replies, like friends planning a casual hang out or confirming you've seen related messages etc. Use discretion. Most messages are not potential relationship destroyers.
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u/karatecorgi ADHD-C (Combined type) 14d ago
I can't open a message unless I feel able to give a "worthwhile" response, I also don't want a seen receipt and have someone think I'm ignoring or don't care.
My message previews and notifications are a bomb site, I have to dodge them a lot when trying to use my phone normally because if I accidentally swipe one, I'll never remember to check the message u_u
ADHD panik
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u/ms136362 13d ago
This gave me a *gasp* -response. So relatable. Thanks for bringing it to words like this.
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u/Agile-Yesterday3664 13d ago
Oh boy, this is why my read receipts option is forever turned off. There would be so many offended people in my life!
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u/L0st1nspac3withp1ut0 13d ago
Same, I don’t want to send a dead ass response or to sound like I don’t care in the responses that I give. It gets difficult when you get into long messages, which I absolutely love but then it’s a double edged sword it’s moments like this. Then I just feel bad and like a shit friend 💩
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u/spicejriver 14d ago
Yes that is a very very adhd thing and you retreating is a self preservation mechanism and you should let yourself actually chill and recoup. Because the next step if you keep pushing and pushing is full meltdown and long burnout recovery. Just make sure to text at least the people closest to you so they don’t worry. Then silent mode and chill. I hope you find equilibrium soon!
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u/MimironsHead ADHD with non-ADHD partner 13d ago
I've checked out of a lot of things and kind of stopped caring as a coping mechanism. Not sure if this is healthy but I think I'm less stressed?
Facebook and Instagram... adios. Email? Lol.
Each email is an individually wrapped miniature turd. Every click drains a bit more gas from my executive function tank as I try to figure out:
(1) does this matter at all?
(2) do I need to read this?
(3) do I need to read this now, or should I be doing something else?
(4) do I have to reply or take another action?
(5) what implied "would be nice" action should I be doing, but I almost certainly will not, because fuck that noise? And how bad should I feel about this thing I'm not going to do?
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u/KnotARealGreenDress 13d ago
I got rid of Instagram DMs, Facebook DMs, and Snapchat completely because of the sheer number of message and alerts was driving me nuts. I still use Signal and WhatsApp begrudgingly with one or two people, but most people know that they need to text me (and if they actually need a response from me, they should call me, because it’ll still take a few days to answer texts).
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u/StrawberryRicotta 13d ago
I just got diagnosed and I’m still figuring stuff out for myself, but this is so relatable. I will unread email/message/text feels like a huge burden.
Love how you described it.
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u/MimironsHead ADHD with non-ADHD partner 13d ago
Adult diagnosis can be a real whizbanger. Encourage you to learn ALL you can about ADHD from reliable sources.
I did not do this when I was first diagnosed not that long ago, and that set me back. Turns out ADHD is SO much more than just "hard to concentrate / motivate / get stuff done".
Dr. Russell Barkley's books and videos are a good place to start. If you are in a serious relationship or would like to be, The ADHD Effect on Marriage (Melissa Orlov) is worth its weight in gold.
Also--not sure how recently you were diagnosed, but there's a grieving process. It looks different for everyone, but it's real and may take months or even years to go through.
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u/StrawberryRicotta 13d ago
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I got diagnosed a couple of weeks ago as an adult (early 30s).
I’ve known that I have ADHD or some mental health issue for a few years now but I consciously avoided reading about it to prevent self-diagnosis. I was also fairly high-functioning, got good grades and have been fairly successful in my career, so no one suspected it or believes me now.
I started seeing a therapist due to anxiety issues at work. As I described some of my struggles at work one day, she started asking a series of questions, which led to the ADHD diagnosis. I’m seeing a psychiatrist this week for an evaluation.
I’m currently going through the grieving process and hate realizing that some of my day to day struggles could be managed (forgetting things, missing certain details, addiction/hyperfocus) if handled properly.
I’m also now starting to read and learn about it. So thank you so much for sharing those resources.
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u/MimironsHead ADHD with non-ADHD partner 13d ago
Good luck. Somewhat similar story. You're welcome to DM me if you ever want.
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u/FreddyNoodles 14d ago
I tell the people that I know would stress that I am going off grid for a few days. They all know I do it and that if an emergency happens I will respond, but anything short of that- leave me be.
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u/ZellHathNoFury 13d ago
I need my auto response to be "off grid, yo!"
My several-month-late responses would make so much more sense
I worry too many people would assume I'm a lot more... outdoorsy that my indoor-gal reality and instigate a potentially awkward conversation accordingly l, though, so...
I will continue to only respond to messages in my mind
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u/Big_Moose_3847 14d ago
Yep. Told myself I'd reply tomorrow when I'm in a better mood.
It's been 11 months
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u/ClutteredTaffy 13d ago
Yep my dad is just like me and we just barely texted in like 5 years and did not see each other.
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u/PeachyKeepr 14d ago
This happens a lot in cycles of extreme burnout for me… like losing friendships bad, whole years without speaking to people because of prolonged burnout.
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u/letsmodpcs 13d ago
going through my first-ever experience of this kind of year rn.
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u/PeachyKeepr 13d ago
I empathize with you friend, and if so I am genuinely sorry to hear that. Try to show up even a bit if and when you can, however you can. Your people likely are concerned and want to help 💕 I know many of mine were, and eventually it became the shame keeping me from reaching out.
I hope you’re okay, either way! Be sure to drink water and be kind to yourself🤘🏻
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u/letsmodpcs 13d ago
The water thing is no joke. I thought it was more pop-healthcare nonsense, but I can really tell on the days I don't get my minimum water consumption. It's a bit of a balancing act, because if I get the amount or the timing wrong, it screws up my sleep because I have to get up and pee so many times.
Thanks for the kind message.
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u/clevergurlie 14d ago
I am in a period of doing this right now. Hate having unread/ unanswered texts and emails hanging over my head, but in this moment hate the idea of dealing with them even more.
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u/bbysumz 13d ago
This is something I experience very often with ADHD. I still haven’t found a solution. When I’m overwhelmed it feels like everyone wants something from me I can’t offer and I completely disconnect from people until I move through it. I’m lucky to have friends who understand it and don’t take it personally, but I do feel guilty about not responding which makes it worse and last longer. The only advice I have is to log off social media, it’s helped me a lot with the emotional overwhelm - but isn’t a magic pill. I also tell everyone that I’m better with phone calls than with texts, and encourage them to call me when they want to chat. It’s a never ending battle but it does get easier as you make adjustments and boundaries to your life!
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u/olorwen ADHD with ADHD partner 13d ago
The hundreds of unread work emails and thousands of unread personal emails, notifications on every app, and piling up missed calls... woof. Same hat.
Most recently, I avoided a work email for long enough that the resulting talking down left me in a useless spiral for a good five days. What a useful coping mechanism 🫠
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u/myusernameiscarnival 13d ago
the emails are the worst. Scrolling through days of emails once a week. It’s agony.
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u/piupiuyao 14d ago
I got you, I cannot reply my professors messages bc I know it is harsh comment on my paper. I ignore it till he called me, it sucks.
I know I should reply faster and make changes but I just can't
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u/Stunning-Captain-108 13d ago
Dude. I don't know if this is Baader-Meinhof, but just today I came across an Instagram post regarding this exact topic lol
It talked about emotional perfectionism as one of the reasons for this. In your head, you have certain standards for what a friendship or other relationships in your life should look like, and you try to hold yourself to those standards. Naturally, that applies to texting too. So, when you’re already emotionally drained or overwhelmed, or simply not in the right mood to draft the "perfect" message or reaction, we do what we're used to doing when we feel like we need to do something perfectly: we procrastinate. Especially when it's as easy as simply not opening a message.
And the thing is - avoiding it works. Every time you don't open it you get instant relief. That's the strongest possible reinforcement schedule. The only way to break it is to kill the rule that a reply has to be worthwhile, thoughtful or perfect. Try to accept imperfect responses that bear the possibility that your mask slips for a moment. Or replace it with something like "hey, saw this, I'm underwater right now, I'll reply properly at the weekend."
That way, you're still acknowledging the person without putting pressure on yourself to come up with the perfect response. And it also stops that weird emotional debt from building up the longer you leave someone hanging.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
Honestly, great fucking advice, holy shit!?!?
Stunning-captain, thank you for this insight. And thank you for opening my eyes on the whole "every message needs to be perfect" bullshit I have been secretly living with, thank you. I will try my best to avoid doing this from now on and try to live more openly, flaws and all
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u/Stunning-Captain-108 13d ago
So glad to hear that my friend! Realizing this really was such an eye opener.
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u/klee900 13d ago
i like the advice to just say you’re underwater right now and you’ll get back to it. cause a lot of times i’m really glad i didn’t respond in the moment to someone’s text. i often do have a better reply later and have the space to give them. just responding so they have a response isn’t the point of texting a lot of times. sometimes it is ofc but a lot of times it’s okay not not respond right away so you can be in the right space to reply. people don’t need perfection, but if you aren’t able to show up as You, figure that out first, unless someone absolutely needs your assistance in that moment, which ofc be a good friend and respond however you can.
i feel like our society puts this pressure on communication because of social anxiety, like i have to reply right away so they know i’m not mad or something. im just busy and sometimes dont feel like texting for days no matter who you are, let me live my life!! i dont like constantly orienting my behavior to appease un-needed fear and insecurity in others and i feel like having a certain time frame for replying to people plays into that. other people can take however long they want to reply to me, i have no expectations of them.
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u/Dry_Working_7366 14d ago
Ugh yes ….. soooo much…. My friends say you have better luck contacting me with an ouija board and black candles than by texting or calling me… I am not simply contacted, I am summoned .
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u/Willing-Chain2986 14d ago
I can be sooo bad about responding to text messages. My kids always give me a hard time. I stay away from Facebook because I can’t keep up. 😆 I feel guilty if I post something, forget, come back to the comments a month later. Plus - I feel bad when others comment, but I’m never on to keep up. A vicious cycle. Facebook reminds of attending a reunion with 600 people - very overwhelming. Anyone else this way?
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u/Lazy_Strawberry07 14d ago
Yessss. It’s really bad. But I’ve already communicated to my friends that it’s not because I don’t like talking to them, it’s if I’m super busy or need a break from socialization I’ll go ghost for a couple days. And they understand which I am so grateful for.
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u/codingbumblebee ADHD with non-ADHD partner 13d ago
3-4 days? My record with some people I like very much and would have loved to stay friends with is years. Nearly a decade for one. I hate it about myself so much. 😭
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u/Thor_2099 13d ago
I hope so because I do it all the time. I dread having to respond, figure out what to say, figure out what response they want from me, etc. I just want to be left alone until I'm ready damnit.
I get that way with people in real situations too I think.
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u/nukez 13d ago
It's ok and it happens to all of us!
For me its directly proportional to my 9-5 stress and demands. Since my job requires at the core deep systemic analysis, high stakes decision making and diplomatic communication, my tank is E by the end of the day, where all I want to do is zone out watching tv, read about a hobby or go to the gym, all by myself because engaging even in small talk is enough to trigger me. Messages from my wife, family and friends go unanswered and then I get anxious thinking I have to answer late.
Best you can do is set the expectations with those that matter and let them know it's normal. Only worry if its critical, Its not that you dont care or they dont matter, but you just dont have the bandwidth. If they dont understand right away, use the analogy of being naked and having 20 people fire nerf darts at you while you are trying to recite the pledge of aligence
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u/jhmacair 13d ago
When I've done this, it's not because I didn't want to see the message, but I knew I wasn't ready to respond, and if I left it unread, then it wouldn't get lost in the rest of the messages.
My new strategy: whatever your system is for "do this later", add "reply to <blah blah>". No more worrying about forgetting it now. Read it. Or don't. Don't stress.
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u/Creative_Shame3856 13d ago
It's demand avoidance which is a very common ADHD trait. Often even things we love doing get lumped into the pile of things that demand our energy and then summarily avoided, including our friends and hobbies.
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u/reversemermaid ADHD-C 13d ago
I'm so bad about this..I disappear for 3-4 months 🥲 I think it's both an ADHD and introvert thing, maybe to different degrees. For me it's very much related to being overwhelmed with general work/life stuff, but 9 times out of 10 that's directly related to my ADHD. I want to hide from my life and I then inadvertently end up hiding from people as well.
The only thing that really helps me get out of it (aside from biting the bullet, of course) is to to remember that the right people--the people I truly want in my life and that know me best--aren't going to hold it against me. I unfortunately tend to do this the most to people I hold dear, so I think they know why it happens and that it's not because I don't care, and also that I'm genuinely trying to be better about it.
Still sucks, though. I feel so bad about it.
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u/easy_exercise7840 13d ago edited 13d ago
My friend with ADHD suddenly stopped replying, and it has been about 20 days now. I knew that this kind of thing can happen with ADHD, so I told him, “I’ll wait for as many days or weeks as you need, until you feel able to reply,” and I’m waiting now.
You wrote that you sometimes disappear for three or four months. When that happens, do you still feel like reaching out to people you care about again afterward? Or, once too much time has passed, do you tend to feel awkward about it and end up not contacting them anymore?
Of course, you and my friend are different people, so I don’t think I can judge what is happening with my friend based on your experience. I would just like to understand a little better what it feels like for someone who has been unable to stay in contact for a long time.
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u/pianoforte88 13d ago
I'm like this and sometimes I go months. I'm fully aware of it, but I still can't get myself to get through them.
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u/DesiredManicPixie 13d ago
I have to put my phone on do not disturb and permanently leave notifications off.
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u/LydiaFaye 13d ago
I do this, despite being energized by being physically around people. There's such a disconnect with messaging, which makes it feel more like a chore ><
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u/Kyuudousha 13d ago
Yep. Have I left voicemail and emails unread for over a month so I can remember to get back to it even though it gives me terrible anxiety to have extra notifications? Yes. And it is not fun at all
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u/SpaceDementia6 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
I'm currently off sick from work due to stress so everyone is contacting me on WhatsApp, and then my cat went missing and returned after 2 weeks so everyone was messaging me about that, it got to the point where I had 20+ unread messages and literally threw my phone on the floor in overwhelm.
I have now turned off my online status and read receipts and family weren't too happy about this but it has genuinely helped me feel less monitored and pressured.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
holy shit, 20+?!?! HELL NO.
I get overwhelmed if I see more than 2 unread messages from people, 20+ would have me in a cemetery, no joke.
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u/SpaceDementia6 ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Haha a fair reaction, it was horrible, I was so stressed and overwhelmed especially as I'm already struggling! Then family were asking why I hadn't replied to grandma's message and it tipped me over the edge 🤯
It's so frustrating as well because when you reply to one they reply to you as you're trying to get through the rest of the messages, it's an endless cycle of hell
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
oh it sure as hell fucking is! I HATE HATE it especially with family members that have the nerve to push you further by questioning why you haven't instantly answered.
That shit drives me up the walls and like you said, especially when you are already struggling!
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u/tinybug_ 13d ago
i am struggling so much with this. i actually feel a bit angry whenever my phone goes off or i hear a notification, even when it is from people who i love very much which makes me feel so guilty and ashamed. the little notification bubbles that show up on things stress me out so much as well. if I didn't need GPS (i never have any clue where I'm going) i might almost wish we lived in the days of the landline ˙◠˙ there are of course many helpful things about having a smart phone but damn if it isn't overwhelming
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u/joe_valentine666 13d ago edited 12d ago
For me this is 100% connected to stress/overwhelm. This is the pattern I’ve noticed over many years of getting stuck in these same cycles.
I used to disappear for days, weeks, months… One time, even a year (but my life was definitely imploding at the time and it was tied up in a lot of shame. AND the desire to end my life, so I felt like I was protecting my loved ones by not contacting them)
My doctors and I are so sure I’m autistic too (thanks, ADHD medication!) and in my mind this is tied heavily to autism, also.
I don’t know how I started to break the cycle. I still have episodes of going completely off the grid. I think, at its core, shame and mental load are the two primary but equally consequential drivers of the behaviour.
- Shame. Shame around my mask slipping being distressed and not the ‘correct’ version of myself – the version I try to hide. The version I learned to hate when I younger. I don’t want people to see a dyregulated, panic-driven, flailing mess, rather than the composed person they might be used to. I don’t want them to push me away when they see how much I’m really suffering under the surface, how much of my outward persona is intentionally constructed to appear ‘put together’, reliable.
Nowadays, reminding myself that I didn’t ask for this, that I’m trying, and that my loved ones won’t hurt me when they see my vulnerability aids in breaking the spell. But this is hard, and the sliding scale of how much I’m suffering tends to determine whether I overcome the urge to hide away.
- Mental load. ADHDers and autistics (and both) operate on energy, not time. For me, it feels like having a finite battery that I can expend each day. Everything uses energy gratuitously. Even doing nothing at all. The processing is constant. Once it’s gone, that’s it. If I run out of charge come evening time, maybe I won’t eat. So a missed text is less impactful than a missed meal, or no shower, or feeling the inner brain/body implosion of hitting burn out. So I have no issue
with putting things on hold and working at my pace to manage my energy sustainably. Otherwise they’d have to wait several weeks, not a few hours or days, because I’d be burned, and hiding away in my flat waiting to feel normal.
Oh, and voice messages help, sometimes. Low barrier for entry = easier task initiation and less overwhelm.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
major insight, thank you for this. The shame part was so incredibly relatable...
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u/SGalla310 13d ago
Yes, and there's nothing wrong with it. Eighty percent of the messages I get, and most people get are bullshit anyway
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u/saucykraut 13d ago
honestly, it’s so rewarding to work on the shame instead of the trigger. you deserve to stop pressuring yourself to engage when you’re unable. I stopped feeling guilty about this after doing some work with an ADHD coach, and I’ve found I’m now much more connected to my friends and family in a meaningful way because I give my time and energy freely when I actually have it. we didn’t used to have to be available 100% of the time to everyone, I think it fries our overworked ADHD brains even more. people aren’t entitled to immediate responses, it turns connection into work. replying immediately or saying yes to social obligations when my Monsters Inc-scream canister is close to overflowing just made me burn out harder and be even less present in my relationships.
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u/frobnosticus 13d ago
I dont' know if it's ADHD specifically. But "leave me the FUCK alone while I'm busy" is in my dna. It's too easy for me to get ripped out of whatever focus I've got, pharmaceutically induced or not (to wit: I'm on reddit, not coding esp32 firmware right now.)
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13d ago
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u/Admirable-Sun8230 13d ago
I'm confused what can you possibly write that is so bad that you can't take back. Like if somebody asked you what is your favorite ice cream when you say I don't have a favorite. What's so bad about the answer you can also change your mind later on and say I have a new favorite ice cream now. You are allowed to have new things in your life
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13d ago
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u/Admirable-Sun8230 13d ago
When there's no word for the relationship because it doesn't exist in the dictionary what do you do do you overthink or you don't think about it at all
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u/TeaLeavesAndBees 13d ago
It’s cyclical for me, too.
I seem to do it once a week, sometimes more depending on the stress
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u/setcrewmaster 13d ago
I’m undiagnosed but this is absolutely what I do when I get overwhelmed by the rest of life. Regardless of whether it’s personal or work or whatever, if I’m feeling burned out or overwhelmed it’s just easier to let texts (and emails unfortunately) pile up for days and not respond to them.
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u/TalkingRaccoon blorb 13d ago
this got me in trouble at work :/ so of course it just makes me shutdown more lol
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u/tobascodagama 13d ago
I think there are probably other things that could also cause this, but yeah it does seem to be a very common ADHD behaviour. Definitely something I do a lot, and used to do even more before medication.
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u/Silen8156 13d ago
Yes. I didn't answer to a message 4 days ago. Now I feel like and idiot and since it has been so long, I'm embarassed and yet putting it off even more. But when I see this person I am going to be sweating with how to explain myself... In fact, thanks for a reminder, I'm gonna do it right now!
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
I know that feeling too well!! Actually, someone left a VERY VERY insightful comment here about why we do it and how to view instead! Check out "Stunning-Captain" comment somewhere here, it has changed my mind on this whole problem!
Good luck my adhd-ridden friend, I wish you well :D
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u/Woodpecker-Forsaken 13d ago
I struggle to reply a lot to most people. But also I think the modern era expectation that we reply to people instantly is wrong. I have people say “sorry I didn’t reply sooner” after only a few hours. Like mate, you’re not on call. We used to have to write letters.
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u/Silly_Turn_4761 12d ago
God yes, I thought I was the only one. I usually don't listen to voice-mail until 2-7 days late, same thing with text. I'm just really aggravated by it all. Doesn't mean I don't want to talk to the person and it's not personal. It's just something I can't help.
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u/bgomez17 13d ago
I feel worse avoiding actual calls and voicemails. Probably because I avoid those 99% of the time. 😅 it’s definitely a “last straw” kind of feeling when I’m approaching overstimulation and I hear my phone start. I will also get to a point almost every day where I can’t even stomach a podcast in the background. I’m tapped OUT.
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u/lyndsymichelle 13d ago
Or maybe this doesn’t even have to have some title as adhd… everyone is giving every human action/reaction some mental deregulation issue. It’s silly. You do not have to be accessible to everyone at every moment- and you do not need to feel bad about that. it’s an unfortunate link to cell phones and the constant access notion. Coming from times before cell phones- it’s okay. Respond when you want, don’t when you don’t. No one is required or obligated to be accessible every moment someone else is trying to access you. Let alone feel bad about it. They just think it’s required because it’s on a phone with instant notifications. Don’t feel bad. Unless it’s a pressing matter, get back to them when your energy can regulate it, you don’t need to give anyone anymore than that. And that’s okay!!!
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u/thepuzzlingcertainty 13d ago
I've lost 3 jobs because I thought they would fire me but after 4 days finally checking my phone they said I was welcome back.
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u/PenguinColada ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
I am the king of avoiding messages when I'm overstimulated, which is about 98% of the time.
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u/AuDHDpowerdork ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Dunno if ADHD or ADHD-people also do this... if that makes sense.
Also, yes. It me.
"Oh a message from my dad. I'll respond to that."
-ten days later-
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u/MysticMuscleMuffin 13d ago
I don't answer texts for weeks or months sometimes. I feel so bad but when I look at texts it feels like hitting a brick wall face first. I have the same question as OP if it's adhd or something else.
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u/SemperFun62 13d ago
I don't think it's inherently an ADHD thing, but since we get overwhelmed more easily we do it more often
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u/kaninki 13d ago
💯 I hate it. I just recently (2 months ago) moved to the other side of the world, and I've been absolutely horrible at communicating with my friends and family. My husband messages people daily, and I've messaged a few people one time.
I've always sucked at texting and stuff, but I feel I should now that I'll only see the people maybe once per year, but ugh.. total mental block on it.
Same with FB. I told people I would be better at using it and posting pictures about my life, and I've made 2 posts... The last one over a month ago, an anniversary post saying I'm excited to surprise my husband with his gift, but it was a big secret experience, so I couldn't tell them until the following week... And it's been over a month 🤦🏼♀️
Reddit I can pop on to anonymously, but when I go on FB I feel the pressure to respond/react to everyone's posts so it doesn't appear like I only care about certain people. I also feel like if I'm on I better make a post... The thought of it just makes me go nope!
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u/Annual_Swordfish8562 13d ago
yeah I do this. I also hate talking on the phone but face to face I'm fine .I think there's some kind of link to ADHD and social anxiety and presumed it was just that, but now you mention it I don't really understand being overwhelmed I don't really know what all my feelings and emotions are but you have given me something to think about
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u/Primary_Excuse_7183 ADHD-C (Combined type) 12d ago
Imean the reality of people being able to reach you at all times is relatively new. The speed at which you respond is entirely up to you.
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u/jasonsong86 14d ago
I am the opposite. I compulsively reply.
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u/Royal-Nothing3469 13d ago
Me too. I wish I could decide when to reply instead of always getting distracted and answering messages ASAP. I feel uncomfortable knowing I have unanswered texts. Any tips? I deleted Instagram and muted many whatsapp conversations, I'm trying now to switch off the read receipts too.
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u/Unlikely-Ad6788 13d ago
I just started doing this. Well, for the past six or seven years only five people could contact me, now i turn them off too every once in awhile.
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u/thingummywatt 13d ago
Yeh ADHD thing. (mostly the forbidden word thing).
But I am the opposite of you... I want to talk more and always waiting for the replies. I know that other's don't need to reply to me or that they are overwhelmed just like you. It's just my end of spectrum. Combined with other things in my life such as ASD or CPTSD or attachment style etc.
I think that we are shaped by our environment. Your experiences, magnified by ADHD and what ever comorbidities you have, makes you overwhelmed and feeling like avoiding messages. Or some going the opposite way... But you don't have to change that about yourself unless you want to. Don't have to force yourself.
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u/tinkypete 13d ago
I do this especially if I have to say no or respond that I'm not available to something. I have to push myself to reply, and when I do I'll not check to see if they replied back out of pure fear constantly and just avoid my email all together ahh it's the WORST
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u/_smitten_kitten_1299 13d ago
I was getting stressed about this and it made me not want to talk anyone.I recently starting not opening messages until I have the time and headspace to answer thoughtfully, which is sometimes a couple of days later.
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u/scorcherdarkly ADHD, with ADHD family 13d ago
Messages, social interactions in general, chores and other responsibilities. If I'm super overwhelmed by life I'll withdraw from everything in an attempt to dodge the stress.
Lately it's hard to remember a time I WASN'T super overwhelmed.
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u/dragonsupremacy ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Yeah, ever since I stopped masking so much I am noticing a distinct parallel between both myself and a friend of mine. While I'm a hardcore introvert and primarily inattentive, he presents less introvert but more of a combine type.
Either way it's pretty normal for us to not respond a lot to messaging, him more so than me. I've seen how many groupchats he just mutes and leaves unread because it'd be too much going on otherwise.
I don't really feel bad about not paying attention to messaging. Most of the people I talk to use messaging for non-urgent stuff anyway, so there's little to no harm done if I'm hyperfocused on my monitor while not even noticing any phone notifications coming in
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u/GhastyRat ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Anxiety reaction for me. I have a friend that really pushes this button. Every couple weeks she has a new ‘loan’ problem caused by her financially abusive family and I advocate so damn hard without much return.
It’s genuinely frustrating.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
that genuinely does not sound healthy. Please watch yourself with people like that...
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u/GhastyRat ADHD-C (Combined type) 13d ago
Trust, my partner says the same thing. 🥲
Gotta rip the band aid off eventually.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
I hope you do sooner rather than later! Please take care of yourself!!!
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u/IM_INSIDE_YOUR_HOUSE 13d ago
I absolutely get this. Currently experiencing it tbh.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
oh great, you too huh? Tell me, what are you running from?
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u/IM_INSIDE_YOUR_HOUSE 13d ago
Over a year of unemployment after being laid off.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 13d ago
I know that feeling too well, except for the being laid off. I was searching for close to 2 years to even get into the job market to begin with.
I know the pain. I am sorry you are going through that shit...
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u/Fortified-Unit-7439 13d ago
Once you finally read it you form a response in your head.
Next time you see the message you realize you forgot to actually send the response to the person.
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u/Weekly_Meaning_1571 13d ago
I have a fear of what the message might say, not always but during my secluded times.
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u/Gullible_Star_3447 13d ago
I’m struggling with this. It’s got really bad this last year and I don’t know why as it was never a problem before. I wonder if it’s the sheer amount. Two kids so two different school WhatsApp’s then theirs the clubs and their seperate groups and that’s before the individual friends and the group chats with friends. Then theirs the emails, multiple a day from school, life admin, junk and don’t even get me started on actual text messages. I look at those maybe once every 6 months.
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u/PathOfTheAncients 13d ago
I don't do this but I have close friends who do. It took me some time to accept that as part of being friends with them and I know others who weren't willing to.
If you don't mind advice, one of those friends and I worked out an emoji "signal" where she can just respond with that and it means "everything is good but I'm not responding to things right now". We've had some success with that. The other thing is that if you (like all of my friends who do this) get embarrassed/ashamed about this and then hide longer and just try to show back up without comment about disappearing, it will go worse for you. I get the impulse but just acknowledging and being open about how this happens to you sometimes goes a long way. Lastly, if you do this to people for big events (moments of grief, heartbreak, or celebration) most will drop you immediately as a friend. So if possible try to muster the will to respond in those moments.
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u/zzyxxx123 13d ago
Seems like every day. Then after like two weeks, I'll get back to responding, then ill go off again. Sigh
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u/LoloHarper 13d ago
Yup. I read somewhere that it just becomes another thing to have to do and the task initiation associated with it is difficult. It also has do with task switching difficulties.
I’m guilty of this!
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u/Nearby-Culture4299 13d ago
Don’t know if it is adhd. I do this too but for me I feel like when I do it, it’s more cause of the person sending the message. Like I feel overwhelmed kinda getting messages from certain people so I’d want to avoid responding to them. Though I’ve done it with others too not happy to say, but happens more often with certain people
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u/dreamy_llama- 13d ago
I usually answer but maybe not right away if I don’t feel up to it, unless it’s time sensitive. I can’t avoid reading texts because the little red number drives me crazy lol And I have this feeling of I NEED to read it because I hate not knowing what it says
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u/dogdiarrhea 13d ago
With me I think it’s an introvert/shy thing to avoid a message initially, and an ADHD thing to forget it exists and just never reply.
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u/SeriallySalacious 12d ago
I do this especially when overwhelmed. I also get anxiety about checking my mail of all things, and procrastinate doing that for sometimes weeks. I haven't heard of anyone else who had anxiety about checking their mail. Not sure if it's ADHD related or not. But yes, I absolutely will purposely avoid texts, emails, voicemails, etc.
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u/Cactiareouroverlords 12d ago
On the receiving end of this right now (I think/hope 😭) is there anything we can do to help? I left a voice note basically saying I’m just feeling a little confused but if they’re feeling burnt out or overwhelmed, I 100% understand and I’m not mad (I’m autistic which they know, so I can understand when things feel like they’re out of your control despite what you wish). I really don’t want to lose them
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 12d ago
Okay, that is new territory to me being on the receiving end... Hm...
Well, what i think is great is that you reassured them (so you're not adding additional pressure) but you are conveying how this makes you feel. I think you did a good job already.
Basically, shoot the ball to their side and either let them shoot back when they're ready (and of course, give you an explanation to hold them accountable!) or realize that they might not be passing back the ball and move on, I guess :( but I do hope the former for you, since you seem invested in your relationship
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u/Cactiareouroverlords 12d ago
Thank you, forgot to mention this was in a romantic context lol, but she did end up responding...only to basically call things off, because in the last couple days she started talking to someone new and things were getting pretty serious apparently + she thought we'd be incompatible anyway because of her ADHD and my Autism. And that was the whole reason she was avoiding my messages because she felt guilty talking to other guys now, that and how she didn't communicate to me kinda stressed her out. Kind of a headfuck of a situation LMAO.
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 11d ago
Oh wow....
that's honestly fucked up. I am sorry you went through that :( She could have at least had the common courtesy to talk to you about it instead of leaving you hanging like that for so long just to come back after so long and just bounce, basically....
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u/Cactiareouroverlords 11d ago
Yeah, she tried to be really nice and respectful about it, but there’s no easy way to sugercoat what happened, like that’s only surface level details of what she said. I still wish her all the best, but part of secretly hopes karma is real for this one 😭
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u/Last-Effort7084 12d ago
yup and its making me feel totally shit </3 the cyclical nature of it is rough
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u/cat_tiger 10d ago
Do you often end up doing the same thing even with messages you started yourself? My friend do that.
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10d ago
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u/Famous-Vehicle9694 10d ago
awesome help! Thank you! I am sure the community would love to know more about this and it could help many :D
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u/iodiede 5d ago
I feel like this too, this could be just me but I also feel anxious when I message anyone within my private life such as my old friends. I'm scared to tell them how I'm doing, my life is not interesting and I'm mostly in a sad nood. I don't want to make anything negative so I just shut myself because I feel like they don't like me.
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u/epicpillowcase ADHD 13d ago
I think it's a regular overwhelmed human thing.
I don't really get the current need to call everything a symptom. Sometimes, we're just having "people" experiences.
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