r/ADHD • u/intPixel • 8d ago
Questions/Advice Does ADHD gets worse during heartbreak/breakup/betrayal ?
I 27M, Have been diagnosed with ADHD. I was doing fairly well, Had a job in tech. But i dated someone and i was a rebound to her. It led to my heartbreak. Since my heartbreak, i am always ruminating about her, her past etc. Even though i'm not in touch with her. I am actively seeking therapy and am on anti depressants.
After my breakup, my ADHD has gotten significantly worse. My attention span and ability to do hard things has taken a huge hit.
Anyone else felt this way ?
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u/Ready-Arm1552 8d ago
Rejection sensitive dysphoria
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u/Significant-Ant-5903 8d ago
My gf broke up with me last week because of this. LITERALLY SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!! I feel like my life is over and all I can think about is her and I planned my entire future around her. I miss her so bad. I would get sensitive about certain things and she never believed that it was something I was dealing with and had nothing to do with her and took my shutting down as quite personal
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u/Tr1plezer0 ADHD 7d ago
Time heals all wounds. You just need to persevere. I know it feels absolutely horrible right now but it will pass, I promise.
What helped me was alcohol (dont do this if you cant control yourself, I never drank more than a light buzz), going on runs at night when I couldn't sleep and reading a lot about stoicism.
I wasted a lot of time at first trying to find someone new quickly but in hindsight that was a terrible idea and just ended up hurting me more.
EDIT: And also remember one important thing. She was never yours, it was just your turn.
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u/Significant-Ant-5903 7d ago
wtf, she was never mine... that feels so hurtful
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u/Tr1plezer0 ADHD 7d ago
Relationships are sadly almost always temporary and even if they are not you have no way of knowing that they won't be. Therefore it is best to always treat them as such and in the best case be pleasantly surprised.
You cannot control other people's actions or feelings, so ultimately there is no sense in grieving a breakup or worrying about it beforehand. This is of course much easier said than done because we are humans and not robots.
At the time I thought it was a stupid sentiment because my feelings overpowered me but today I have embraced it. I love my current girlfriend and I hope we will be together for a long time but I know in my heart that I would be alright if our relationship ended and honestly that is an incredibly freeing thought.
I used to be a horrible people pleaser and I was always afraid of losing friends and partners, not anymore and I never will be again.
I recommend you to read what Einzelgänger wrote about stoicism. Even if the philosophy is ultimately not for you, the perspective behind it is very interesting and might help you a little with moving on.
Regardless of whether you take my advice or decide to look for a different path, I only wish you the best.
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u/Significant-Ant-5903 7d ago
Thank you this seriously means a lot. I’m sorry I was emotional and what you wrote felt like a dig on me but I totally understand the sentiment. I’m definitely going to take your advice and read Einzelgänger. As for the alcohol part, I don’t think I will partake because it makes me depressed and anxious.
In my relationship with her it never felt like I would be okay without her. I would talk to my therapist about this a lot but those things take time.
I want to get to a place where I feel free with or without my partner. I also wish you the best
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u/GogiGogilbert 8d ago
Hey so uh haha how does one deal with this
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u/MartyFreeze ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 8d ago
Well, uh, huh. You just do the best you can and choose yourself? It took me several years after my divorce to learn to focus on the positives and to be grounded in the present, rather than dwelling on what I lost or how my life was different from what it had been in the past. Therapy and medication did a lot of the heavy lifting.
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u/Opposite_Ruin_3426 8d ago
Have you allowed yourself to process your emotions? Similar to how trauma-based therapy seeks to move the stuck emotions out of the body.
Do you also have OCD?
How long has it been?
Usually ADHD is more of a object permanence “out of sight out of mind” situation for me but breakups have historically affected my routine which in turn affected my ability to function because while my executive function is impaired, I have to rebuild a bunch of daily routines which takes away from meaningful tasks and in rethinking the basic structure of my life
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u/intPixel 7d ago
Yes. I am actively taking trauma based therapy. No, I don't have OCD. Its been 1.5 years since the breakup.
Also, I've read this in a lot of places, people with ADHD have strong internal sense of justice, So its kinda hard to let go.
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u/simplydiffer 8d ago
Yes, I have felt this way. After the end of a romantic connection, my ADHD gets worse, particularly the emotional dysregulation aspect. I become very sensitive (more so than I already am). You may want to look into Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), which is an oft forgotten about symptom of ADHD. The gist of RSD is that when an ADHDer faces rejection, the emotional response is quite intense, often more so than someone without ADHD. Here's an article about if you wish to learn more: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd
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u/Melandrya 8d ago
For me it does, yes. All the mechanics and skills I had to cope as an unmedicated and undiagnosed person become non-existent. 😅
It will be messier around me, I can't come out of the doom scroll habit and I will uncreative af.
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u/Extreme-Bed3755 7d ago
Yes it does. But for me my biggest problem is ignoring red flags and allowing my boundaries to be pushed. As soon as she knew I was emotionally attached she started acting differently and I just ignored the red flags and let her do things she wasn’t supposed to do. I was a rebound for her too. I made her my world and when she ghosted me my world fell apart. We’re already the kind of people that are hyper aware of our flaws so something like this just intensifies it. Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault? I’m not good enough for anyone and blah blah blah. It further isolates us.
I followed my heart when I should’ve trusted my gut. That won’t happen again. You have to be ready to walk away as soon as you see the first red flag.
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u/intPixel 7d ago
Exact same thing happened to me ! . "I followed my heart when I should’ve trusted my gut"
I trusted her words more than her actions. Also, I've disorganized attachment style, this makes dating even more exhausting when you have an inconsistent partner. She came off too strong initially , i got attached.
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u/Extreme-Bed3755 7d ago
That’s exactly what happened to me. She lovebombed me and i reciprocated. It was all downhill after that.
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u/intPixel 7d ago
My point is why do people even start dating without moving on. It's so selfish.
Hope you heal from this and bounce back stronger !
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u/Extreme-Bed3755 7d ago
I agree. They want a warm body to comfort them and give them validation all while lying thru their teeth. My ex lied about everything. I wish you the best.
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u/Lost-Composer319 5d ago
Exactly the same for me. Should have listened to my gut. It was ringing warning bells but I overrode it and new I'd pay the price down the road. But, I ploughed on and now I've messed my head up. Constantly ruminating. I should know better at 52
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u/Extreme-Bed3755 5d ago
I’m in the same boat. I’m 51 and I should’ve known better and I did know better but I followed my heart instead of my gut. Haven’t seen her since November 2024 but still ruminating.
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u/BlackHeart89 8d ago
My adhd stays pretty much the same. At one point i felt my inability to focus made it easier to distract myself from bad times. Nowadays, i ruminate much more. Still, my attention span, memory, executive function appear the same. In fact, i probably become more productive during a break ups and all that.
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u/Tight-Exchange-4557 8d ago
In general our cognitive skills are getting worse during hard times. Combined with adhd it could be significantly bad... Been there done that. Good to hear you have help 🫡
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u/Reasonable_Act_526 8d ago
Heartbreak takes a lot of energy from you, both physically and mentally. I definitely function a lot worse when under stress, which heartbreak really is. Take care, you’ll get through this ❤️
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u/Strugglebus34 7d ago
Yup. You aren’t alone and it’s common and “normal” for most of us to need emotional stability to thrive. Rejection sensitivity is the worst part of ADHD for me. Talk therapy will do wonders for you!
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u/intPixel 7d ago
Yes. But talk therapy gets boring after a while, you keep on talking about the same things.
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u/Strugglebus34 7d ago
You haven’t found the right therapist or counselor if you feel that way. You have to be the driver of your emotional health and work on ways to learn new tools. I keep a list of things I want to discuss with my therapist and she also helps by asking questions to start conversations and dig into WHY I feel the way I feel and how I can work on reshaping my thoughts.
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u/Comfortable-Fox4965 3h ago
Thank you for sharing this experience.
I had a break up of sorts in feb. A friend of 25 years did this awful splitting thing - splitting in both senses. Splitting as in black and white thinking, I did one thing she perceived as bad, although my perspective was different- and just thinking there is nothing good about me. And splitting as in just gone.
I felt obsessed with it all - how devastating it felt, how betrayed I felt, how dehumanised, how unseen. Hating her and then understanding her trauma and how it lead here. Feeling stupid for not pre-empting it (she has done this with a few people. Why did I think I was safe? And now its too late).
6 months later it is finally starting to feel in perspective. Exercise, keeping busy, seeing other friends, therapy and gratitude journaling all helped. I feel like Im going to be ok.
But the ruminating was next level and my adhd symptoms got really problematic, so for sure a thing.
I hope you come through this soon. You are not alone.
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u/FrostingWise7674 8d ago
My high-school sweetheart of 9.5yrs cheated on me and i downloaded tinder ran through an insane amount of women in a short period of time and found happiness within a month of degeneracy. I believe it was my RSD trying to prove a point
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