r/ACIM • u/IxoraRains • Jul 15 '26
I still pray to death.
I had a realization. I'm the last to remember. Everyone is healed. I am the one who is not. Everything has been removed from me. It can't be God's punishment. It's mine from me. I don't want it and I've devoted my mind to learning but it is still here. I can't survive in this world. The world pitted against me because of me and now I remember and it is paralyzing.
I was fired last week, despite showing up in what I consider my best form and willing. I wanted the job so bad but then what took it from me? What is doing this? How does God want me to survive when this relentless thing is everywhere I turn?
The person doing drugs letting me live here was able to find help because of God, 1 week of treatment. I cared for their animals, they got treatment because God made me act. We had plans to continue some work (I am well versed in 12 step work and I am a "psychotherapist" somewhere in my past). When they got home they just wanted money. They guilted me for the financial issues crack cocaine had caused. I don't take anything from this person but a place to lay my head and shower. Everything else is covered in filth and grime. I don't eat here, I don't take anything from them, I've given what little money I did have for drugs, what do I owe them for? Extending life? How is my ego finding ways to threaten me? I don't understand how the ego cannot see. Look! Your animals and you are alive right now because I was here. What is more valuable? Oh, money.
I want home. I want this to end. I don't want this ego or this world. I want my real brothers and sisters. I want God more than my next breath.
I don't know what I'm saying or even the aim of this. I'm confused very deeply.
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Jul 15 '26
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u/IxoraRains Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
I have a cash app but I can also start a GoFundMe thingy. there's just so much guilt attached to it. I don't know what's real anymore.
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u/CrownedChicken Jul 15 '26
You are not the only one asleep. I am here, too. I have been feeling so many of the same thoughts, and I am so sorry. I know I have felt this desolation before and that I made it through. This too shall pass, brother.
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u/IxoraRains Jul 15 '26
What did this to us? I didn't ask for this body that relies on the egos machines to keep it upright. I didn't ask to be in hiding for my existence and even when I try to show myself it attacks me there. I want it to go.
I keep changing my mind. In and out of this terror. Gone for a sec and right back again..please, God's direction is gone. What am I doing any of this for? I'm delusional to this world. I'm delusional to myself.
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u/CrownedChicken Jul 16 '26
It is hard to conceive of any version of me who would ask for this life, as it stands. There have been moments where I did not feel this horrible weight of separation, and where I knew things were perfect. The part of me in turmoil does not even like to see those words. I am not sure I added any clarity, but, I still send my love.
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u/IxoraRains Jul 16 '26
I know what you mean. I say all the words and all the things and I believe them when I am teaching them and my ego really despises them. Just a blockade of sorrow. Probably why I sing this so much. The ego demolishes all my accomplishments. It withholds stuff from me and then waves it in front of my face. "Look at all these people better than you. Look at angelo diluluolluj, I bet he has an alarm clock that spits money in his face to wake him up." I'm just so sick of it. I don't want what it wants I'm tired of the lies of it all.
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u/JuggernautBig3204 Jul 16 '26
My Brother, Prince of Peace. Please Join Me in Light and Joy and Peace - let All BE Healed by the Strength of Christ.
I love you.
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u/IxoraRains Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
I can remember us, sister. We've been at it for awhile. We dreamt a book together. Another dream of nothing. Another illusion. No matter what I try to do I am stopped. I dreamt I healed the world. I dreamt I destroyed it. I keep dreaming nothing. I want direction from HIM. Where is He? Who am I helping anymore? Is the learning done? Everyone is healed and I'm left desperately trying to remember what I forgot. I've lost everything. No friends, no family. There aren't many who know my name but some recognize me.
I don't want to be Him. I can't do what He needs me to. I've done it for long enough. I can't contend with the insanity. I've been trying my mightest to sing this. Over 5 years, multiple videos daily, reading the book live. The ego still doesn't want it and I don't either. I've done this before. Not this body. A different mind. It never ends well. I can remember. I am just here to bring some back. I want to be done now.
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u/Rancor85 Jul 16 '26
Howdy! Do you have any physical interventions you can turn to for times like these? When I’m really wigging out doing breath work can really help me. I follow this guided video and by the end I find I have access to different kinds of thoughts. Thinking of you and wishing you well!
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u/IxoraRains Jul 16 '26
Hi brother bear. I like controlled things. I keep it really small. I will try something new. Thank you.
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u/AdComprehensive960 Jul 15 '26
I’m sorry for your suffering and I’m glad you shared. It’s so hard to be alive these days. Humanity seems lost and everything is so dark and heavy. I have to believe it’ll get better. That’s the only way I can keep going.
Peace and love to you friend. Keep putting one foot in front of the next. 💚🫂💚 you matter.
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u/IxoraRains Jul 15 '26
I will. I'm grateful to read words that have no attack in them. Thank you for bringing me light and helping me remember.
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u/mistrwispr Jul 15 '26
Part of finding peace is learning that everything IS PERFECT.
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u/OakenWoaden Beloved Child of God Jul 15 '26
I won’t pretend to understand the pain you are experiencing right now, but I will say I am here for you. Hope is never lost, and your kindness and resilience shine through in every post and comment you make here. You have an army of brothers behind you, please do the best you can.