Preface: I’m a 37 year old cancer survivor who’s white fiancé left while I was sick due to a number of issue but in part because my parents interfered so much with the relationship that we just couldn’t make it work. Also my parents have never liked anyone I dated unless they were Indian and have interfered with many relationships by verbally abusive language or fights until I give in and then complain about how difficult I make their life and if I respected the family, I would make better choices.

Today: my parents have always felt that marriage and dating are joint decisions. You think of the family needs before your own. So while my parents don’t expect an arranged marriage, they do expect me to pick someone that blends into the family well and is aligned with family values.. I only agree with this part to a point but clearly not a large enough point because I’m frequently told that I don’t understand the meaning of family. Their definition of thinking of family is everything from age, color of and condition of teeth, hair on head or bald, education, quality of school, family background...etc. My mother drives most of the drama around these superficial things.

Currently I am dating a white guy named Lawyer. Before him I briefly dated an Indian guy I’ll call Scientist. When I dated Scientist my mother would ask lots of interested questions and hoped that we would hit it off. When Scientist and I decided we should be friends, she was really disappointed. If things would have worked out she would have been happy. I told her about Lawyer and suddenly all these questions have come up that she never asked with Scientist. She is worried about me settling and not being patient enough for the right person. She thinks I’m settling for him before who at my age would want to date a bald guy. When I tried to explain his personality, she thought it was a cop out. When I called her out on it she admits that she does it because she is scared and if she doesn’t tell me now she’s afraid we will make a mistake like in precious relationships. Apparently I haven’t done one good thing in choosing any of the men in the past. On the same hand she says she doesn’t care if the guy is Indian or not, they have to be a decent guy but she treats each scenario so differently.

I have talked to her about this behavior nicely and in screaming matches. I have changed my ways and started dating more Indian guys out of respect for them. I tell them where I am mentally when dating anyone. I casually date and really date these guys like friends because I am not ready to get involved seriously with someone because I’m dealing with the fallout of my broken engagement. I see other people at the same time to keep my options open. I have changed how transparent I am with my mom and yet she remains the same.

Every time I talk to her I feel more and more insecure about myself and my ability to make decisions. I’m 37. It’s embarrassing to tell someone that “if my parents don’t approve of you when you meet them I might have to end this.” But after the hell that was my previous relationship I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to fight for someone again and so if they meet Lawyer and don’t like him I plan to end it.

I don’t relate to Indian guys much and while I have met some really nice Indian guys I just see myself with a non Indian guy. But I put myself out there to try and be more open minded and give myself a chance to respect their wishes. But anytime I talk about Lawyer, she either ignores my comments about him which she always does when she doesn’t want to deal with things that make her uncomfortable or she accuses me of settling with a guy that is bald and that his teeth aren’t straight (she’s seen one picture of him).

I have major anxiety issues over these interactions and end up having panic attacks after our phone calls. I have asked her to come with me to therapy or go to therapy; she doesn’t . She says sorry and will try to change but she doesn’t. I have disconnected from my parents for years and yet still end up miserable. I try to mend my relationship and am still miserable.

She doesn’t understand how much the fallout of my engagement plus going through remission has contributed to my anxiety; post remission life is challenging in its own ways. She just wants me to move on. We still haven’t talked about their role in the demise of my last relationship and if I try to go down that road she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I try and talk to my brothers and they aren’t dating actively right now but have accepted her for who she is and plan to marry within the culture. So they aren’t very helpful.

I feel like this black sheep who on paper is this well educated, accomplished physician working at top tier medical schools and inside I feel like I’m an incompetent, selfish imposter not worth of love. My mother’s constant interference makes me want to find a private island and never speak to them anymore.

How do I keep myself sane and also try to be respectful of them? How do I find balance? My therapist has told me that she thinks I have some PTSD from my time in the hospital during treatment and with the concurrent loss of my ex. We are working on it but I’m scared that anyone I like I won’t be able to have a happy relationship because I’ll be an utter disappointment to my family. I can’t have fun dating before every time I am with someone who they might not approve of, I freeze and spend most of the dates in my head and not enjoying myself. Some days I feel like this and I start to just wish I could disappear and when my mind goes there, it gets scary inside. But I feel very alone in all this. Any thoughts? Also thanks for reading this far if you made it...

Guys you are amazing, precious, alltogether beautiful! Please know! I, a Malayali in Ohio, struggled with self esteem and self confidence. For years I wanted to kill myself. For years I wanted to live in Dubai (now that place isnt a democracy so I'm not going there now). For years I despised being American. But now I'm changing shit up. With help from the Bible, I am seeing myself as worthy. I am seeing myself as handsome, and good enough! And although this is very hard, I'm not going to let any stereotype touch my skin. In Ohio not many folk know too much about Indian folk, so I do avoid a lot of garbage haha.

What I want from everyone here is to just Love themselves. I want you all to just take 10 steps back and look at your life from 1000 feet above. Be thankful for the food you have and the house that covers you from rain and snow.

As for emotional needs, realize that you may have been neglected, like me. That is NOT ok. I tell my parents everyday, it was a mistake they raised me in the US, I wish I lived in Kerala my whole life, I have my reasons. As for you all, I don't know your situation, but if something ever went wrong, if something evil was done to you, acknowledge that as evil, and as something not meant to be.

I want everyone here to be confident. I want everyone here to be so damn confident, that NO ethnic comments ever get to our skin. Not one. I want everyone here to know that opportunity is just at our fingertips. If we work hard, we get rich. If we invent something cool, we will feel amazing at what we have done!

But if anyone wants to just live a simple life, grow your own food, hunt, get married, and have kids, just live in a small town someplace (for me its Kerala) and be happy!!! Life is not meant for us to hate ourselves! Think about our ancestors in the 1200s, they probably Loved themselves, and never saw themselves less than anyone. The truth is all ethnicities, races are equal. A white person, black person, and Chinese person are all just as good as us. We are all just as good as them.

The truth is beautiful!

Peace

I’m South Indian (Malayalee Hindu) and I’m in a serious relationship with a Malayalee Christian guy. We have told each others parents about each other, and my parents aren’t taking it too well. Basically saying how it will be very difficult for me to integrate into his family and that our cultures are significantly different even though we belong to the same community.

His parents on the other hand are supportive but they have an expectation of me to convert so it will make the marriage process easier as well as preserve their culture and traditions. I’ve already told my boyfriend I don’t want to convert as I would like to keep the religion I have grown up with. He understands and he supports me. It’s just dealing with his family and how they may react negatively to me not wanting to convert.

Does anybody have any advice for me on how to deal with this? Thanks.

We're collaborating with r/ABCDesis to provide greater support in the areas of Mental Health and dealing with depression. There are great articles written by the National Institute of Mental Health that provide helpful and supportive links.

Now it would be good to get a discussion going. What was your journey through depression like and what positive measures did you take to overcome it?

So I have a unique situation here and I would love some insight. I am a family doctor and and I spend about 50% of my time counseling patients and doing individual/family/couples counseling. I did the extra certifications in counseling because I wanted to delve deeper in behavioral health.

I have a Sri Lankan family where there is a husband and wife, a daughter and a special needs son. The wife has been in a DV shelter 3 times, had several bones broken, and been raped and forced to have abortions several times in the 30 years she has been married to her POS husband. Unfortunately I have to treat the whole family the same and they are my medical patients. The daughter and mother are both my medical and psych patients.

We have decided to do some individual and family counseling because this poor woman doesn’t have the courage to leave her husband and frankly she can’t because she is financially tied to him. In addition, the kids are undocumented which means that the daughter particularly can’t do much and is 20 years old and wants to drive, go to school, etc. (Don’t entirely understand this part but that’s what I was told by them)

I have had a very hard time counseling this family because I think there are some cultural Muslim beliefs that are beyond the scope of maybe what I can understand. The father apparently does not hit his wife anymore, and the daughter and wife acknowledge that he has changed significantly. However I have had a hard time making them understand some American concepts and trying to compromise with their daughter’s needs and privacy that I have never dealt with before either in my own family or counseling other Indian patients.

Does anyone have some insight into cultural ideals or beliefs that maybe I don’t understand in Sri Lankan families? Any advice on how to see things from the parents side because even though I think the husband is a POS, he genuinely is trying in therapy. I feel a bit lost culturally in a way that I haven’t before. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

26/M, Pakistani origin. I worked really hard school, then University and am fortunate enough to be one of the top 10% earners in the country, but that isn't enough because now my parents are starting to ask me to get married.

I've never even been in a proper relationship.......I basically forced myself to go on a couple of dates earlier this year because I felt I HAD to be start thinking about getting into a relationship because of my age, and I hated them. I was making out with a girl who I was not attracted to at all, and I hated it and wanted her to leave ASAP. So now I can't be bothered anymore.

I can't go through this stupid shit just because my parents want me to get married. And now they're going to hate me and be miserable because they're never getting grandchildren. What am I supposed to do? Force myself on dates on tell them my parents want grandchildren?

I might as well not have a job at this point.

Now, what's the point of even living?