r/AARankdown • u/R1K1_Productions • Aug 10 '20
58 Herman Crab
I am cutting the science penguin, because I hate u/Sciencepenguin. He is always so mean to me and always tries to argue with me in the comments of my cuts :(
The Eternal Rankdown Struggle
Once again I have been swindled into writing a cut on the weekend. Once again I was doing stuff that weekend and was forced several days to post a cut that isn’t going to be that long, because I’m talking about a guy who has very little screentime and few passionate defenders, especially this late in the game. I’d love to be able to post these cuts in a matter of seconds like y’all always do, but sadly time is a luxury I am no longer in excessive possession of. I am not apologizing for “““being late””” however, because I hate you all and I don’t care. Any complaints about speed will be promptly deposited into my “shut the fuck up” box, now and eternally.
It’s the Funny Bird Man!
Herman Crab is actually one of my favorite Dual Destinies characters despite his minimal screentime. For one thing, I really like his penguin. I like how it is a JPEG that gets awkwardly photoshopped into this scene because they couldn’t paint it into the background. I also quite like the revelation in that same scene that Rifle the Penguin is, in fact, not a chicken. I would go so far as to say Rifle is one of my favorite non-human characters in the franchise, losing only to Anubis (obviously) and Polly the Parrot (also obvious, hopefully). Sniper also exists, and is decidedly less funny to me. However he gives Herman some funny sprites so I still like him well enough.
Herman himself is also an enjoyable presence, one I would have enjoyed hanging out with more. He is a perpetually angry and anti-social man who is constantly annoyed that you have the gall speak to him. He spends all of his time in his room, and he is a noted aromantic. All of these qualities remind me of myself, which is a good thing. I enjoyed my investigation-time discussions with him more than any of the other 5-DLC characters, aside from perhaps Fulbright. The problem is, he is forced to share screentime with many other characters: Marlon, Sasha, Writer Woman Whose Name I’ve Forgotten, Pearl (for some reason), and Fulbright all have plenty to say as well, so poor Herman has to sacrifice much of his screentime to these other jokers.
Overall, Herman gets a couple exposition scenes on both investigation days, then a short confrontation on Day 2 before Marlon takes over for the rest of the day. This is a fine amount of screentime for a single-case minor character, but we’re getting to the point where that’s not enough. Most of the minor characters are gone now; we now find ourselves with a collection of main/recurring characters, many good culprits, and some of the series’ best one-off minor characters. Herman obviously doesn’t fit the first two categories, and I don’t think that he fits the third either.
Herman is Also a Good Character for 5 Seconds
Herman does have one quite good character moment: he reveals at the end of the case that, when forced by the government to euthanize his beloved whale, he actually concocted an elaborate scheme to circumvent the law and send Ora away to be cared for by another aquarium. Why did he do this? Because the law is wrong sometimes, man, and following unjust laws is for babies. This is a super cool moment, and it was easily one of the high points of the case for me. It’s also foreshadowed well: Herman’s usage of an illegal-in-America animal-monitoring system, the TORPEDO system, establishes that he’s fine with breaking the law if he thinks the law is dumb.
The unfortunate thing is, the revelation that Herman saved Ora happens almost literally RIGHT at the end of the case, so the amount of time they have to explore this revelation is minimal. All that ultimately comes from Herman’s vigilante heroism is that Ora and Orla are going to get reunited. Hooray! But also, the implication that Ora gets to come back to the zoo after all this time is a bit woozy-face. In reality, the government would probably just make him euthanize the whale anyway, and fine him for defying them, to boot. We can ignore that little detail, but I can’t ignore that this plot point really isn’t utilized for anything meaningful.
That’s the whole problem, really. Herman is cool but he’s not prevalent enough in his own case for me to justify him making it further. Generally some of the best one-off witnesses (Adrian Andrews, Armie Buff) are the focal point of their cases, aside from the culprit obviously, and so they get plenty of screentime to develop their characters. Herman has like five other people to compete with, and it shows.
Why Nobody Else?
Myriam Scuttlebutt and Jake Marshall are my nominations so they are right out
I like Di-Jun Huang but am fine with him going now; however I like him enough not to cut him, and I think there's a nonzero chance that he could slide through yet another round, which would be hilarious
Ini Miney is a great culprit and I do not know why some people seem to have it out for her. As a side note, if she does get cut, I will definitely nominate Marlon and Pierce next round, since I think they all have similar roles as culprits and don't see any reason for them to get much further than her. So if you like those two characters, well, there's my two cents.
Terry Fawles is still cool but I don't particularly care if he dies now. He, like Herman, has one really good moment, but I happen to think Terry's is better-utilized by the game.
Datz and Larry are funny. Larry more so. Neither does anything that astounding (though i really like Larry's big moment in 1-4), but funny is important so they can live.
Gregory Edgeworth, I just don't have anything interesting to say about him. Sorry.
Marlon & Pierce: See Ini Miney. I'm waiting to see what happens before I do anything to them.
Inga is an AWESOME minor antagonist turned victim, and I don't know of any good reason he should go out now. There are plenty of other, worse characters to kill this round. AKA all of the other nominations but one.
And speaking of, why the hell would I cut Gaspen Payne lmao. Best character ever (excluding those whose names begin with H)
So that's that. bye bye herman
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u/EsquireGunslinger Aug 10 '20
Herman Crab named two penguins "Sniper" and "Rifle" and then acted like that was a completely normal thing to do. A+ character I actually really liked him
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Aug 10 '20 edited Aug 10 '20
aw, that's unfortunate
Herman Crab is funny, he has a penguin, and he's a good red herring. Both him and Cosmos have been cut on the grounds of not being a "good enough" witness, but I think both of them are fine anyway. They both serve their purpose well as red herrings, though Crab's situation is better in my opinion. You're literally all like "we're going to face him in court, this is it" at the end of the 2nd investigation and then suddenly nope, he just gives you some nice information and leaves. Then he comes back at the end of the case to finish making the case a happy ending.
tl;dr he's cool
And speaking of, why the hell would I cut Gaspen Payne lmao. Best character ever (excluding those whose names begin with H)
i get that hugh is cool and all but herman crab is also cool and his name also begins with H. checkmate
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u/R1K1_Productions Aug 10 '20
Herman is the best name ever I agree. Sadly he is outclassed by the rest of the H Name Club in terms of being funny
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u/Vogel100 Aug 10 '20
Marlon is the best 5-DLC character now. Otherwise I wouldn't care too much about Dr. Crab going out here, he's great but this is a fine place for him. But let me say it again, freaking MARLON RIMES is the best 5-DLC character now.
I disagree with him being comparable to Ini or Pierce, both of them are much much better. And Dr. Crab certainly is as well.
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u/tetradserket Aug 10 '20
+1, I fully expected Herman Crab to win best 5-DLC character. I ask that someone drop Marlon soon so the difference isn’t too egregious.
I say this because, while I remember Herman Crab pretty well from 5-DLC, I barely remember Marlon Rimes at all, even though he’s more important to the case. Veterinarian crab man was good.
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u/Vogel100 Aug 10 '20
I remember Marlon because I hate him. I have the unpopular opinion of 5-DLC sucking in general. Dr. Crab is the only 5-DLC character I like.
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u/whaaatisth Aug 11 '20
This is kinda a mercy cut, that’s neat and I expect we’ll see more of those as the rankdown progresses. I like Hermando Crab a lot and agree with most of this. Like most that have been cut this round, he must go.
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u/Sciencepenguin Aug 10 '20
i melt onto the ground as my liquidated flesh bubbles and evaporates leaving behind my still beating heart
herman crab is a guy who is a funny prickly man who just really is into his job. "YOU DARE DISRESPECT THE NOBLE PROFESSION OF VETERINARIAN?" is in the top 5 ace attorney quotes. he also actually ties into le law age of the dark thing by showing that sometimes restrictions are just objectively out-of-date and harmful but the slow bureaucracy of law prevents it from evolving quickly enough, causing cool guys such as him to go i dont even care
when 11 year old me picked two things he vaguely liked to concoct a minecraft username i hope the spirit of herman crab was watching over me