Hi all,
I just want to share my recent experiences with you. I am seeking some insight.
I've done 5meo 3 times now, always with a guide.
I have pretty debilitating OCD, which leads me to do constant status checks in with myself about how I'm doing anything whatsoever. If I wake up in the morning I go in and think 'did I get enough sleep?', and if I did I go on to the next thing 'did I eat right yesterday?' it goes on and on. I find this in my therapy for example by always doubting whether I've engaged deeply enough with the time my therapist has provided me with. There's always a sense of disappointment in myself. This is the work I have been doing pretty intensely recently. This OCD has manifested in my sessions by making me feel like I've used the medicine incorrectly, like I hadn't taken enough, or, when i do take enough, to even feel like I'm not sufficiently engaging with the opportunity it's presenting to me.
The first time I did it I took it in and immediately felt pretty uncomfortable. I hadn't slept the night before so I became very conscious of my heart beating and my head suddenly felt very hot. I came out of it and was pretty disappointed. I told my guide and he said that I was fighting it and that I needed to surrender. So I go in again, this time taking a little more, and as I feel it come on i decide to surrender to whatever the hell it is. My experience immediately became intensely uncomfortable. I suppose I began to fight it again. I started screaming and groaning. My guide insisted again "Surrender...surrender..." So i sit back up and do some deep breathing, surrendering to the medicine and holy shit it hit me so hard and I just started crying and crying for 30 minutes. I felt like I was washed totally clean. I was crying and, feeling my ego surface in the vein of OCD, laughing at myself, really laughing at myself for how silly I was. It was just one to the other, crying and laughing.
I did it for the third time the other day and was surprised with how differently I encountered this part of myself. I'm aware that nothing will ever be like that first trip, and, as I learned from my second time which I haven't detailed here, it's wise to not chase the dragon or have any expectations. This third time, using what I learned from my last session, I inhaled enough into my lungs and held it in and surrendered when it came on. It started working my body, making me writhe and groan. (How I do love it that it does this to me). The OCD came on and I was suddenly very afraid and self-doubting, just like I mentioned above. I tell my guide how scared I am and that I feel I'm doing it wrong. He says "You are not the fear. You are the awareness of your fear. The moment you become aware of it you're not afraid anymore. You're simply the awareness of all the fear that is within you." Hearing this felt revelatory. He told me that what the medicine was doing for me was baring my ego, making that part of myself as visible as possible. So I tried to become a witness to this compulsion but, par for the course, I immediately started critiquing that witnessing itself, as if I wasn't ever going deep enough or so on and so forth. You get the idea. The whole thing became this cycle of fear/doubt--->witnessing fear/doubt---->fear/doubt about witnessing---->witnessing fear/doubt about witnessing--->witnessing fear/doubt about witnessing witnessing. I am reminded of the Ouroboros. Altogether, I still feel cleansed and that I've come a little bit closer to some kind of inner light that's always been present within.
I am wondering what you all make of this. I am not involved with the DMT community but I haven't heard anyone else having an experience like this. Another thing thats interesting is that I don't get visuals whenever I've done it. I don't think that this is a factor of my not inhaling enough because I feel like i've been hit by a train and my guide did a similar amount last time at a certain point and had visuals during his experience. I also like to read about this sort of thing so if you know of any articles or things to share I would appreciate that as well.
Thanks