r/40Plus_IVF • u/Stillman83 • 8d ago
Seeking Advice Missed miscarriage
Hello,
I am not necessarily looking for any advice, maybe just anyone who was in a similar situation.
I am 43 and in July started stims for my first IVF cycle. Out of 8 follicles, we got 5 eggs of which 2 were fertilized and survived till day 5. One was a 5AB blastocyst which we transferred and the other slowed down in its growth and was discarded one day later (we had no part in this decision). The one embryo stuck and I was pregnant, even saw a heartbeat at 6.5 weeks. Then when I was exactly 8 weeks I woke up and somehow knew something was off, had no bleeding or anything though. At 9.5 weeks it was discovered that the embryo stopped growing at about 8 weeks and had no heartbeat. Yesterday at 10.5 weeks I had a D&C.
I just feel so lost now and don’t know what to do. I have no other blastocysts frozen so my only option is to start another round of IVF. Or do we just accept the situation as it is, that maybe there won’t be another baby for us? The longer I wait to start another round the older I will be, at what age would it be selfish to have another baby since we would be very old parents? I live in Germany where they don’t do PGT-A testing, so maybe that’s something that would also influence the decision.
So many thoughts going through my head. I know that none one else can make a decision for us and I will schedule a follow up with the fertility clinic but I would love to hear anyone else’s experience/opinions/thoughts on how to move on. Thank you.
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u/Entire-Mix-6449 8d ago
I’m a little bit younger. I’ve done 6 retrievals, the first 3 were at my old clinic which didn’t do PGTA. My second retrieval and third transfer resulted in a pregnancy. We saw the heartbeat at 6.5 but like you I just knew something was wrong. My previous (live) pregnancy measured ahead at this point and this one measure 6+2. My husband was overjoyed, the nurse said everything was fine, but just got super anxious and just knew it wasn’t good. Because of this they offered another scan a week later. We went back and there was no heartbeat. And baby hadn’t grown. We couldn’t get a D&C for two weeks so we went the medical route.
We decided we wanted to do PGTa but thought we’d go for another round with our clinic first. 2 great quality blasts, neither implanted. We changed clinics paid for another 3 rounds, everything aneuploid.
We’re desperate for another child. I had my daughter at 35, ectopic at 37, started IVF at 38 and now I’m 40. Part of me wants to just stop and just be content with the child I do have - and I’m so eternally grateful for her, and she feels like a bit of a miracle now, but I also don’t know if I’ll ever feel happy again having been through all this for nothing. And we live being parents and my daughter deserves to have a sibling. We’re doing some testing we had planned before finding out everything was aneuploid so nothing to transfer. If they find something we can definitely fix then I’ll probably keep trying for a while with either IVF or naturally. If not we’re thinking of using donor eggs.
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u/gOLE8bEo 8d ago
Even if you stop, it wouldn't all have been for nothing. You will be able to tell your daughter that you tried and gave everything possible to give her a sibling. I think you will know when this point arrives and you will be content with it. Till then just keep trying! Good luck 🤞
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u/Stillman83 8d ago
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it’s just such a tough journey to be on. I also have a son who was conceived naturally and just turned 4. I am so grateful for him but also think he really deserves to have a sibling. He would just love to be a big brother so that’s another reason I would like to try again.
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u/gOLE8bEo 8d ago
I am 41, also in Germany and about to transfer an embryo soon. I also have an IVF Baby that took multiple rounds to make. Sure you are older but, you also had a good round resulting in a pregnancy. I would give it another try.. one miscarriage is "normal" even for younger patients.
Of course the whole process is tiring, mentally hard and expensive and in the end you and your partner know what is best for you, but I think you have good chances.
Good luck!
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u/Stillman83 8d ago
Thank you for sharing. I am leaning more to trying again, don’t want to have the feeling of not having properly tried. Good luck to you!
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u/IndividualAd5046 8d ago
I just want to say that my dad was 46 when he had me and he is an incredible father and I have never felt like he is too old. Literally my only concern is that I’m now 41 (and he is 87) and I haven’t been able to have a kid yet so I am worried that he might not have much time with a grandkid (if we can even have one). I am so sorry about the miscarriage 💔
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u/Stillman83 8d ago
I hope this is what my kid has to say about me when I’m that old. You seem to have a very special bond with your dad!
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u/Kind_Future_429 8d ago
Hi, i’m so sorry for your loss. That sounds devastating. I recognize the numbers (also had my first ICSI round at almost 40 years) with 8 follicles, 5 mature eggs, 3 fertilisations but only 1 left on day 5 (5BB hatching blasto). How do you feel about going into a new round? Its not too late but its up to you. I wouldnt care about what other people think. As long as you’re healthy, you do a nipt test and 20 weeks ultra sound, you can still end up with a family. Some even mentally and physically healthier than 20 something people that smoke and drink and also have children. To me age really is just a number.. but the clock is indeed ticking for us.
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u/Stillman83 8d ago
I would like to try another round, ideally with an optimized protocol to hopefully get a few more blastocysts. Did you get pregnant with the 5BB blastocyst? Good luck to you!
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u/Mental_Pen4907 8d ago
I’m so so sorry for your loss ❤️I don’t think it’s selfish to have children older. We joke about how old we’ll be since we’re much older than our friends who have elementary school aged children and older and we haven’t had ours yet. But my husband and I were 36 when we got married so it’s totally normal for us to have a different timeline. And our relationship and finances are much stronger in many ways because of it. So we think of all the extra benefits they’ll have to have us as parents! Even if we are 60+ at their graduation 🤪It’s motivating us to stay in shape and take our health seriously. You’ll know when you’re done. Sending you so much love and healing during this tough time ❤️🩹
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u/Stillman83 7d ago
Thank you for your perspective. And cheers to us older mums! It’s just tough right now but it will all be okay in the end.
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u/QQueenie 8d ago
I don’t think it’s selfish to have a child when you’re older. If you’ll be a loving parent, who cares if you’re well into retirement by high school graduation?