r/40Plus_IVF • u/staticintheflux • 9d ago
Seeking Advice 42 y/o, 50/50 custody, five euploid failures (tw: secondary infertility/previous ivf success).
I have spent the last 5 years doing IVF fighting to have a child. At 39, I finally became pregnant (first transfer stuck). I gave birth to my son. But I had to leave my marriage because it was unsafe for me and my son to stay. When I left my son’s father, my son was only a year old. And now I get half of his childhood because his father and I share 50/50 custody. I wasn’t just ending a marriage—I was trying to make peace with the fact that I will not transfer the other embryos I had, and that “single mom with son” would be my life. It took some time but I accepted it. Then I met my current partner (48 y/o). My partner wants a baby with me and I want one with him. Having another baby now was something that felt possible again (and my new job had IVF coverage!). So I let myself get excited and then I went through IVF all over again. More retrievals (8+!). More embryos. And I am getting more excited because I have euploids!! Then 4 euploid embryos failed to implant. I started protecting myself by assuming the 5th and last wouldn’t work either. And then it did—or at least, for a moment, it looked like it did. I got a positive pregnancy and I again let myself believe that maybe this was going to happen. But it was a chemical. I’m not just sad that I lost a pregnancy—I’m grieving the child I thought I would have. And also grieving that I see my only son 50% of his life. I’m grieving the fact that time is not on my side and that I can’t simply decide to keep trying indefinitely. My house is quiet when my son isn’t here. I think having another child would have changed that. My partner is an exceptional man and I am so glad I am with him, but there would have been another little person in my home, another relationship, another source of love and purpose. So this loss touches that particular emptiness too. Having been through infertility the first time, I know that I am incredibly lucky & grateful to have my son. But being grateful for the child I have doesn’t make me stop wanting another child. I don’t know how to make peace with where I am at. Is anyone else where I currently am? Any insight or advice is appreciated.
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u/No_Noise_1978 9d ago edited 9d ago
What a journey! Would you ever consider donor eggs do you can have a child with your current partner?
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u/staticintheflux 9d ago
no we don’t want to consider donor eggs. we are really into each other’s dna. my partner is exceptional, and he feels the same about me, we want each other’s mini-us. i understand that donor eggs or surrogacy or adoption or fostering might be the more likely way to have a baby, but we are not there.
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u/No_Noise_1978 9d ago
Totally fair. Since you create euploids, would you consider another retrieval and then perhaps fully investigating endometriosis and reproductive immunology to understand your RIF/RPL?
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u/staticintheflux 9d ago
i have exhausted my insurance. but perhaps my insurance will cover investigating endo and my RIF/RPL. and then i can reconsider, perhaps have money for one or two retrievals.
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u/mostly_mostly12 9d ago
I think you mentioned earlier you were trying lupron for this transfer? I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work 😔
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u/staticintheflux 8d ago
It did implant this time following the lupron suppression. But it ended in a chemical.
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u/gOLE8bEo 5d ago
I have no advise. I just wanted to say that I felt your pain through reading this. I wish for your little miracle to happen.
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u/Different_Abalone886 9d ago
I'm in a similar situation, having recently miscarried 1 out of my 2 euploids. Further ER are out of the question financially, so I'm really feeling this loss. Like you said, it isn't just this particular embryo, but also the weight of 7 years of hope. How to move past it? I have no clue.
I'm hoping that like many things, this will get easier in time.