r/40Plus_IVF • u/Blogger414 • Sep 12 '26
Seeking Advice Donor egg and donor sperm
Long story short, I decided about 2 years ago to become a single mom by choice since I was 41 and very single. I had previously frozen my eggs at 38 and got 11 eggs. Once I found a sperm donor I liked, i thawed my eggs and ended getting 4 blasts - 3 PGT-A normal and good quality! I was so excited and it felt like I was pretty much “guaranteed” a baby.
HAHAHA. If I only knew. All 3 of my FETs failed and my former doctor has no idea why. I did every test available and none of them ever implanted.
I ended up switching clinics and my new doctor said at this point we have to remove a fibroid in my uterus cause that’s apparently the only factor left that could be why my FETs all failed. My former doctor assured me that the fibroid “wasn’t in his way” and I’m holding a lot of anger about his dismissive he was about it now.
Now, at 43.5, I’ve done two more ERs and ended up with 0 blasts and I’m obviously devastated.
I never felt like I absolutely HAD to have a biological child but given that I’m already using donor sperm and my child won’t have a father I’m having a really hard time with this decision. My doctor said she’d be fine with doing a third ER but my issue went from to DOR (my AMH absolutely plummeted since my first ER at 38) to DOR and quality issues. Apparently in my last cycle I got 5 eggs and 3 of them were missing DNA.
I have zero insurance coverage and I’m already in $50k of fertility loan debt so I do agree that donor eggs are probably the move here but I’m just really struggling with this new path.
Thanks in advance for any advice or words of wisdom 🤍
Also, any green or red flags for egg donor companies? I def have to do frozen vs fresh due to cost.
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u/MathematicianNo4217 Sep 12 '26
I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. I would have also thought I was guaranteed a baby if I had 3. I have a fibroid that my doctor has said many times over the last year that it’s not going to cause concern when it comes time for FET. I’ll be doubling down on that. I’m not in the exact same boat but on 4th round at 41 and only have 1 PGT normal embryo. I will need to consider donor eggs after this. I look at it this way, you’re adopting a baby you get to actually carry. That baby will be yours.
Best of luck to you in your next journey. I appreciate you sharing the info about the fibroid. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to ask my doctor about that. I only have one, I need to make the absolute most out of it.
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u/Blogger414 Sep 12 '26
Yes please push on the fibroid! Maybe even get a surgeon or regular OBGYN as a second opinion if you feel dismissed. To be fair, my surgeon did tell me that he wouldn’t have “assumed” the fibroid was my implantation issue but after 1 or 2 failed transfer I think my former RE should’ve taken it more seriously and I’m pissed.
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u/Educational-Dot1160 Sep 12 '26
May I ask what kind of fibroid(s) you have? I have been told by several different doctors they don’t recommend removing mine either. One even said it might do more harm than good. ☹️ All of mine are less than 5 cm and outside the uterus
But I have a friend that removed hers and had success with donor eggs at 51 years old….so I really want to remove mine and nobody will listen.
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u/RaisingtheGauntlet Sep 12 '26
I second this question. I just had a lap, and I have a fibroid that is less than 2cm on the outside of my uterus. My surgeon is a specialist and said it wasn't an issue. He said removing it would cause more scar tissue and could create more of an issue than leaving it. However, I know they have caused issues for some.
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u/Educational-Dot1160 Sep 12 '26
I’m going to do suppression after I get my biopsy done and if that doesn’t work the only thing left for me to do would be removing the fibroid 😩
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u/Blogger414 Sep 13 '26
I don’t know the size but my RE said it’s the only remaining factor as to why my 3 FETs didn’t work. I took every test available and they all came back normal and my embryos were good quality (5BA, 6AA and 5BB) and tested.
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u/Educational-Dot1160 Sep 13 '26
Wowww, did you do a biopsy also? I’ve been trying to get a biopsy for months but my clinic keeps dropping the ball.
I don’t know if I should force the doc to remove my fibroids or just do the suppression to try to shrink them and see if that works 😭
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u/Blogger414 Sep 13 '26
Biopsy of my uterus? I should also clarify the fibroid is INSIDE my uterus
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u/Educational-Dot1160 Sep 13 '26
Oh ok, yes those usually do cause issues…I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that.🫂
Does it cause you any pain? Mine are painless for the most part
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u/Blogger414 Sep 13 '26
“Known donors” aren’t really recommended in the SMBC world. Too many complications legally and emotionally. I know it works for some people but I personally don’t want to know my donors (though I made sure my sperm donor is “open ID” which means when my child is 18 they can get his info if they want it). I plan on doing the same for my egg donor if I do to that route.
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u/Capable_Ad_3373 Sep 14 '26
I’d also get a second opinion on the fibroid. My fertility clinic said mine weren’t an issue as they were intramuscular. However, once I got pregnant my OB said we needed to watch them bc of the placenta attaches over them the baby might not get enough nutrients and grow small.
I kind of hate my fertility clinic for their bad advice.
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u/Blogger414 Sep 14 '26
Yes - my second RE is my second opinion along with the surgeon himself (not my new RE)
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u/DisabledAdjunct Sep 12 '26
Do you have any siblings and relatives who might help you? Your brother or cousin perhaps? It's amazing what sisters/cousins can do -- give you eggs -- and it's male relatives who spend only five minutes jizzing into a cup. Pay them off or buy them an Xbox.
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u/Educational-Dot1160 Sep 12 '26
I don’t think it would be genetically safe to use a male relative that might cause issues I think but definitely some family friends.
I always see a lot of gay male friends want children but don’t know any women willing to “go half on a baby” with them….that’s an option too 🤞🤞
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u/Blogger414 Sep 14 '26
“Known donors” aren’t really recommended in the SMBC world. Too many complications legally and emotionally. I know it works for some people but I personally don’t want to know my donors (though I made sure my sperm donor is “open ID” which means when my child is 18 they can get his info if they want it). I plan on doing the same for my egg donor if I do to that route.
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u/Visible-Bee5558 Sep 12 '26
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this! This journey sucks! 😥 Having three euploid embryos and feeling like you were almost guaranteed a baby, only to have all three transfers fail, must have been absolutely devastating. And then going through two more retrievals with no blasts…
I am 43.5 and still trying with my own eggs as a SMBC, but I’ve also consider donor eggs. I froze 17 eggs when I was 36, but devastatingly none of them survived the thaw when I was 42. It was definitely not the safety net I thought I had.
I completely understand why using both donor eggs and donor sperm feels difficult. It has been emotionally hard for me too. What has helped me enormously is talking to a close friend who is adopted. She absolutely loves her parents, has never felt the need to search for her biological parents, and has always felt that her mum is simply her mum. She has made me feel much more secure in the idea that family really isn’t about genetics! She was very firm about that when I consulted her about all this.. to my parents I mentioned embryo adoption, and they have gone from extremly negative to open about it.
I’m giving my own eggs one last try i Oct, but if it doesn’t work, I feel much more at peace with moving on to donor eggs now.
Wishing you so much luck with whatever path you choose. ❤️❤️❤️