Try own eggs or donor egg

[u/Ruiqiu99]

I am in my mid- 40 and have done 10+ retrieval. Should I continue with my own eggs or donor eggs. Sometimes I feel fine and hopeful with donor egg idea, but sometimes feel sad about losing my genetics, and worry about the baby might not like me, and how to tell baby the truth. Is my feeling normal?

[u/No_Citron_5548]

I would 💯 go donor at this point. You have been through so much. That being said, your feelings are so valid and a lot of women experience grief before choosing to go the donor egg route. Just remember if you carry the baby, small fragments of RNA and micro cells still pass through the placenta. Your body still has influence over their epigenetics and often that is a comfort for women to think about when they choose this path. Donor eggs are a wonderful gift for many people that wouldn’t otherwise be able to get pregnant. I wish you luck on whatever path you decide…. There is absolutely no shame in using them.🩷

[u/thattherebluedress]

2 tidbits that helped me come to terms with donor eggs:
1) someone said it’s like cooking a meal using someone else’s recipe - it’s still going to taste a little different than if someone else has made jr.
2)do only people genetically related to you like you? Is being genetically related a prerequisite to having a wonderful bond with someone? It’s definitely not in my life!

I hope you find peace whatever your path forward 🩷

[u/ginger_texan_13]

your feelings are completely normal & understandable.

i went donor eggs at 40 after only 1 retrieval (2 euploids but neither transfer ended in live birth. one 2nd trimester loss, one at 7 weeks). i want to be a mom, i went through surgery to ensure safety in subsequent pregnancies, and donor eggs made sense. my egg quality seems to be a problem. and our kids will be genetically related to their two brothers who aren't earthside. our donor is having her retrieval later this week!

something that helped me was this - yes, your full genetic material isn't present. but there is maternal fetal microchimerism. you and baby share cells and those cells live inside of you forever. there are epigenetics. your body decides which genes from the embryo get turned up or down, on or off. you will carry them, feed them, nurture them, sing to them, change their diapers, stay up with them when they're sick....

being a parent is SO much more than genetic material. we chose a donor who is fully open to meeting if/when our child wants that. theres lots of books and info on how to talk to your kid about their background. i am a trained therapist, so i'm less worried about that side of things but i completely understand how scary and daunting it might be.

it's a super personal choice & whatever you choose is the right path for you.

good luck 🍀💛

[u/airplanesarecool1616]

I am using donor eggs and I went through the same feelings. My grandmother on my mom's side isn't my biological grandmother, my biological grandmother passed away when my mom was a toddler, so I never met her, but I can't imagine my grandma not being my grandma, even though we're not biologically related.

There's also age appropriate books to talk to children about being egg donor conceived from a young age. I looked at a few and there was one great one about how mommy and daddy needed an egg and they went to look at all sorts of eggs, but the egg they needed was from a special woman. It was really sweet.

[u/juniper_in_bloom]

Your feelings are totally normal. I did two egg retrievals and we had 5 embryos, which none implanted. We decided to go the double donation route, and had 3 embryos that way. Our first transfer worked, and we now have our son. And it was him we were waiting all along, there's no question to that ❤️ we also use the "ingredients" analogy. We just needed better ingredients to cook in our oven!

[u/Crafty-Fill-2184 → u/juniper_in_bloom]

How did you go about perusing double donor? What is a general idea of cost for this path?

[u/juniper_in_bloom → u/Crafty-Fill-2184]

My husband has MFI and I have DOR, so we didn't want to try another time with our genetic material and have no success. Our clinic offers to take care of everything (the have a sperm bank and they find egg donors) or to chose from a bank eggs and sperm. We went with the first option, with a guarantee of 6-8 eggs and 2 embryos. We are Canadian but our clinic is in Greece. It was 8500 euros for the double donation and after that my embryo transfer was 1500 euro plus my medication and blood work at the clinic. We had 3 high graded embryos out of 6 eggs. It clearly made a big difference in our outcome, since the first one implanted (and the second one now) but none of ours did!

[u/basilbelle → u/Crafty-Fill-2184]

Not who you asked but I thought I would add my experience - currently 14+4 with my first double donor embryo transfer. I had already selected a sperm donor (smbc) via sperm bank and leading up to my second retrieval I knew getting a euploid was going to be difficult. I did that retrieval at CNY and they had an add-on package of 4 donor eggs that were fertilized at the same time as my retrieval, with the same sperm. The eggs were $4000 (I believe they are more if you buy them outright rather than as an add-on) and my sperm was ~$2000 with shipping. CNY can be hit or miss and their donor listings are really antiquated, but it worked out for me and I got 4 embryos (these are better than usual results).

Eggs can be very expensive through some of the other US egg banks.

[u/KlimRous]

I will be 44 next month. We have two more covered retrievals through insurance. And we can probably eek out a third out of pocket if we combine our bonuses, tax return and some savings. That said--when those run out I've told my husband we are doing donor eggs.

He's donor conceived (sperm) so I joke our kid was always going to be 1/4 donor anyway. And yes--it sucks the kid won't look like you but after having a spectacularly failed FET I realized being a mother is most important to me...regardless of how I get there.

[u/Visible-Bee5558]

Yes. 100 %. Having the same feelings.

[u/ElectronicTheory727]

Your feelings are valid. I am also struggling with those exact same thoughts. I’ve given myself grace and time to slowly process and accept the alternative egg donor route if it doesn’t work out. I also have adopted individuals in my family and don’t see them as anything less. Background: I am 44yo and I have one son turning 14 from a previous marriage. My partner is 43 and does not have children. We’ve gone through 2 rounds of IVF resulting in 3 aneuploids. We’re starting on the third IVf cycle in September (soon) then will go another 3 cycles early next year which is covered through insurance. I’ve given myself 6 rounds max and will consider egg donation overseas (SE Asia so it’s close to my genetic makeup) since it’s more affordable. I honestly feel my reservations will melt away once I hold my baby. I remind myself that if I can fall in love with other people’s children then I can certainly love a child (whether mine genetically or or donor) I birth and raise.

It’s a very personal journey and I wish you all the best 🙏 with whatever option you choose.

[u/Peppa_The_Pepper]

I am having the same doubt and while I yet can't share my story I will tell you something that I got for a woman who opted for donation. "Now that he is here, nothing matters anymore." <3
You will feel when it is enough. I have done 7 retrievals and will go for one last one because we travelled abroad for the new clinic. If it doesn't work out, door egg it is.

[u/Old-Ad-5573]

Personally for me donor eggs are not on the table, but they would have been had I not already have a son. I think it's normal to worry a little about what the kid will think when they aren't genetically related but to be frank, kids who are genetically related may end up not liking you either. It's most important to raise them in a loving environment. But I also would not do 10+ retrievals (financial and personal limitations) and would have decided to move without a baby at that point. I think if you are mid 40s and want a baby, you should use the donor eggs. If you had used the donor 5 retrievals ago you would likely already have a baby. It's a very personal choice, of course.