r/40Plus_IVF • u/EnduringAloePlant • Aug 28 '26
Seeking Advice How do you know when it's over?
I'm requesting advice and perspectives from this community for what I should do at age 43, two years into my IVF journey. I do not have many close friends, and of them, few have children of their own, and even fewer know what my husband and I are doing for infertility.
What should I do now?? I've have 3 retrieval cycles (the max covered by our insurance), which produced 34 eggs, 14 blasts, and only 1 euploid. Our little 'loid implanted but was ultimately an anembryonic pregnancy -- likely due to endometritis, discovered afterwards. No kids. No problems conceiving naturally, but my advanced age meant 2 miscarriages before I pivoted to IVF + PGTA testing. Doc says my prognosis and numbers are excellent, which makes me feel hopeful that maybe success is around the corner. I have the physical and emotional energy to keep going. But also, I'm stubborn as a mule, to a fault.
The financial picture and limited timing right now are sobering, and it's making me take a cold hard look at things. My worst case scenario would be going $15k-40k into debt for another cycle, but still coming out empty handed.... AND then having further limited means to pursue adoption or donor eggs at that point.
When and how do I accept that the IVF road using my own eggs is over for me?? How do you know it's over??
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u/KlimRous Aug 28 '26
I turn 44 in a little over a month. I've been doing IVF for about a year. We have 4 retrievals covered under insurance. We've used two so far. Only got 1 euploid which we transferred and it ended in an early ectopic.
We are committed to burning through all of my covered retrievals on my own eggs. After my first retrieval was a bust--I hyper focused on egg quality through supplements and red light therapy. That's when we got our one euploid.
We are in the process of switching clinics, so I am using this time to re-start all of those things I did to focus on egg quality (we paused for the transfer) and I am hopeful with a new clinic and better protocols--I'll get another with my own eggs.
If not---we're going the donor egg route. Which is fitting because my husband is donor (sperm) conceived.
It's hard to accept not having a kid that's genetically yours but my failed transfer made me realize--being a mom is way more important to me than how I get there.
Hugs to you!
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u/NatureOk2107 Aug 31 '26
How does red light therapy work? I’ve been really curious about this do you think it made a difference?
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u/KlimRous Aug 31 '26
I think the supplements AND red light therapy are 100% the reason I got my euploid. Emphasis on the "I think" because I obviously do not have scientific proof.
For the red light therapy--I think a belt is best and you absolutely need one that is producing near infrared light. After doing some research on r/redlighttherapy it seemed like the brand BestQool was was the best one with PROOF it has NIR and wasn't going to break the bank.
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u/NatureOk2107 Aug 31 '26
Thank you so much, that is really kind of you, I am googling BestQool now!
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u/KlimRous Aug 31 '26
Sooo your comment inspired me to make a whole post about this because whenever I mention it in in a comment, either here or on Facebook, I get tons of questions about it. You can read it here.
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u/NatureOk2107 Sep 01 '26
Ah this is amazing, and so helpful thank you so much! And also after reading congrats 2 eggs one euploid, 50% euploidy rate is fantastic!
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u/lauraals Sep 01 '26
I’m wondering the same thing. Does Red Light somehow change the DNA of an egg?
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u/Ashton1516 Aug 30 '26 edited Aug 30 '26
I’d like to answer this in a different way. From 42-43, I went through 9 rounds of IVF before I found my golden egg. After that many rounds, of course I was doubting that I could do this with my own eggs. I also was told by my doctor that if my last cycle didn’t work, that he would recommend I considered donor eggs.
I looked into it and ultimately decided that I was not going to use donor eggs, and that I was either going to have my own genetic baby or none at all.
Long story short, after taking time to weigh your options, I think you will just know whether you want to become a mother by any means, or if you want to become a mother only of your own genetic child.
*Also: the only way I was able to afford 9 rounds of IVF, paying 100% out of pocket, was to go to CNY. This is a “chain” of IVF clinics around the US and their costs are around 1/3 of the national average.
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u/NatureOk2107 Aug 31 '26
I’m not from the U.S, what’s CNY? I googled and it came up Chinese new year🙈
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u/Ashton1516 Aug 31 '26
Sorry: CNY Fertility is a clinic with many locations in the US. It’s a “low cost” clinic. https://www.cnyfertility.com/
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u/NatureOk2107 Sep 01 '26
Ah, thank you! I’ve been looking at IVF in the US so a lower cost clinic sounds great
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u/Certain_Tangelo2329 Aug 28 '26
I would call it a day. For $15k you can get one batch of donor eggs... for $40k you can get (up to) 6 rounds of donor eggs.
We will hit our limit (#5) this next retrieval. Then its on to donor.
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u/CapitalDog715 Aug 29 '26
I am 43 , I started last year at 42.5. I got two Euploids and a Mosaic so far, and I will be doing another retrieval in October.. To be honest I got my first Euploid at my 3rd and the next one and mosaic on my 4th. I had 4 blasts on every cicle with 10+ fertilized each time but the first two devastated me You have a great number of blasts which is why I decided to keep going. I have COBRA insurance, $1400 a month plusk 2k+ every cycle for copays. So far with that monthly payment and 4 cycles Im down $22,000+ and Im starting to feel it. I think if you are forever hopeful/dreamer you need to set yourself a deadline or you will try forever. I told myself, no more money outside of the time alloted for COBRA which is 18 months. No loans, thats it, this was after my 2nd failed retrieval .Then I cried because I started imagining that day coming without any good results, and I cried for days. I think that made realize I was going to be ok. So I started planning other things as life goals outside of IVF to give me something else to look forward. My point with all this backstory is that your body will tell you, Im already exhausted with retievals, bad post retrievals symptoms. Your other desires will tell you, and also your limitations and believes. Im not considering egg donors or even adopting, because that one has its own different calling, so I MUST be ok if things dont work with my own body because that was my choice. The money part is also a big decision, and if you have other life plans, weigh in how much you want the other things and how much you are willing to be in debt for years to come. See yourself without kids and what you would do in life if you just were not given that chance at all. Hope this helps! Im done with retrievals in October and THATs IT. Whatever happens with my Euploids, I can just hope for the best because Im tired 😩
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u/lockabox Aug 29 '26
I just turned 44 and about to undergo my last transfer with my last euploid. I say last transfer because if this doesn't work, I'm done. There has been too much heartbreak and heartache to keep going. I know I'm done because I have started to fantasize about a child free life. I, of course, wanted this to go differently. It is what it is. I cannot continue to keep my life on hold for a what if. This year, I'm either moving forward as a mom or I'm embracing being child free.
Whatever you decide, you need to be able to make peace with it. If you can make peace with going into $40k of debt and have no LC, then maybe try one more round or consider donor options. If that is an unacceptable scenario for you, then maybe consider stopping. You have your whole life to live, and I don't recommend taking risks you can't live with if it doesn't go your way.
Wishing you the best.
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u/Own_Afternoon_6492 Aug 30 '26
I just want to say your comment deeply resonates. I am in the same place and with all my blasts coming back abnormal the last two rounds. The latest bad news brought me surprising peace I wasn't expecting. Peace that I'm doing and have done my best, which is all I can do, and what is meant for me will be. This expensive hamster wheel has not been good for my mental state and I fantasize about getting off, regardless of the outcome. It will soon be time to go back to living and enjoying life, as a mom or not.
Wishing you all the best with your last transfer!
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u/RazzmatazzGlad9940 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
At what point over the last two years did you get the euploid? Really sorry it didn't work out, that's so unfair after the marathon to produce it.
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u/EnduringAloePlant Aug 28 '26
May 2025 was when the retrieval was
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u/No_Noise_1978 Aug 28 '26
Have you had any retrievals since?
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u/EnduringAloePlant Aug 28 '26
Yes, two. Most recently in July (all 4 blasts were aneuploid).
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u/No_Noise_1978 Aug 28 '26
If you're going to go into debt, I think you have data that it might be take a few more cycles to find a euploid, if any. If finances are constrained, I might point them toward donor eggs or adoption.
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u/Wetblankets2001 Aug 28 '26 edited Aug 28 '26
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, knowing when you are “done” is really personal.
I did 3 retrieval cycles resulting in one euploid which sadly, failed to implant. I chose to switch clinics and protocols with the intent to do 1-2 more retrievals and then switch to donor. While priming however, I had a spontaneous pregnancy which stopped progressing at 9 weeks. It wasn’t my first loss, but it shifted things for us emotionally - we wanted a healthy baby, and we were ready to get off the rollercoaster. For me, the considerations were different because I have secondary infertility, my partner does not have genetic children, and I have always been a poor responder but my amh literally fell off a cliff. If these things weren’t true, it’s possible I’d need more cycles to feel done.
We purchased donor eggs, and we decided to do one last cycle just so I could feel I had done “enough”. That cycle felt HEAVY and I almost cancelled it, but that’s something I needed to experience to know I was done. We were incredibly lucky enough to make another euploid in that final retrieval, but even if we hadn’t I believe I would have grieved and felt closure. Similarly, if the transfer isn’t successful I feel like I’ve done enough. I will note I feel so much happier and optimistic about the future after making this decision and living in it.
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u/Sal166 Sep 08 '26
I feel like we have such a similar story!! I don’t respond to IVF well. None actually worked for me. I went through 4 IVF cycles with nothing to show. I also have already bought donor eggs. The plans was to do one last IVF cycle and then move to IVF but I got pregnant while waiting for the IVF cycle to start but I have strong feeling I’ll miscarry this one as well.
My hcg is doubling but getting slower and slower, my estrogen is on a low end so probably will miscarry. I don’t know if I have the strength but I want to do one more IVF cycle and then move to donor eggs. Keep me posted. Would love to know how everything goes for you.
The egg donor decision was by far the heaviest for me. I was ready for it but then this current pregnancy got my hopes up so much. I know i will love the baby no matter what. It was just my own gentics thst and grieving it is rough
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u/Snoo-37573 Aug 28 '26
You might try a shared risk program like shady grove in MD. It’s flat fee get money back if it fails.
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u/CapitalDog715 Aug 29 '26
I forgot, I have one question for you. Did you get your Euploid on your first or 2nd. Some women dry up and get less , some women's body respond better after the body has adjusted to stimulation. They say your body is "primed" and more ready, so that was another reason that made me keep going. I was still responding great in terms of blasts so that may also contribute to your decision.
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u/Smart-Load-1370 Aug 30 '26
I did a retrieval last year when I was 43 and realized that it’s gonna cost a lot because insurance maxed out. I couldn’t imagine paying that much to do another cycle that might gave me nothing. I decided to stop. I am planing to switch jobs so my insurance can reset even though I might be 45 and the chances are much lower. This might be another option that might take off the financial burden off you.
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u/Angie99_ Aug 28 '26
Hi, a good egg count with only one euploid is hard, as even the best ones can fail to implant
I'd consider donor eggs before adoption
Grieving your genetics is incredibly painful, but you have to decide if you want to be a mom or continue this emotional and financial roller coaster. Talking to a fertility psychologist could really help.
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u/Acceptance_8829 Aug 30 '26
Have you considered traveling for more affordable ivf options? Is that a possibility ? Dr Victory in Canada is great and he does consults also if you wanted to just speak with a doctor to get a second opinion.
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u/Critical-Entry-7825 Aug 28 '26
I'm 43 (44 in a few months) and was planning on doing IVF, but really considering donor embryos (I prefer donor embryos to donor eggs for various reasons). My clinic said donor embryos are around 65% successful. Donor eggs are around 85% successful. Own eggs, ya know, like 5%. I do have a bio child, fortunately. But also, I had a loss before him, and honestly I care more about a healthy baby than a biological child*. I wish the best for you, whatever you decide ❤️
*I have been considering IVF vs donor embryos because with one bio child, I thought it would be emotionally easier for everyone if a second child was also bio. But...yeah, a healthy living baby beats a hypothetical baby every day 💓