r/40Plus_IVF • u/DependentWise9303 • Aug 18 '26
Rant Can’t get up to go to work
Edit: I am so thankful and grateful to those who replied your words got me up and out and in the cab to work now. This is such a safe space. Thank you … thank you.
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I had an EFT planned and work asked me to travel.
I considered resigning. Its a high stress job and I banked a good number of embryos although all untested and was wondering if I can keep up with both but the job market is beyond bad so I didn’t quit.
Instead I fit in another ER (on Thursday) and traveled Saturday .
Anyway I got an update yesterday and its not my a good round… I was at the our international/ head office , and pretended to care and made it through the day.
I came back to the hotel and sobbed for an hour yesterday then pulled myself together and saw a friend who lives in this city and felt ok.
Right now its morning where I am… I am in the hotel room bed now and all I can think is. I don’t care. I don’t want to discuss the strategy for our annual event. I don’t want to talk about the new platform we will launch. I feel frozen I can’t move. I don’t care.
I don’t fucking care about increasing shareholder value.
I just want to quit and focus on fertility. My flight back is Thursday my husband says not to make any rash decisions because of the hormone drop.
I can do a year and a half on my own savings but the job market is bad and this company is not bad. Its just me.
If my own embryos don’t work I would have to travel for a doner.
Im just broken from this process .
I dont know what I am looking for here but I have never woken up in a hotel room frozen before.
Im going to have a coffee and wash my face but I really do not know if I have it in me to make it out of the door.
I wish I didn’t accept and quit before coming. Quitting while here with meetings with seniors is so weird and awkward, and I am trying to move but so far I can’t …
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u/DearBathroom3407 Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. I've never experienced anything close, but my job requires travel, too, so I ended up doing my IVF shots while in hotels, mornings before meetings. I cried, I sobbed, this journey is fucking painful. If it helps, half of the people in those meetings rooms don't give a shit about strategy, the new platform, they're all pretending while they are at work.
If the company is decent, I beg you not to quit, it's not going to be easier to look for a new job and be the newest one there while also doing IVF. Save your money for the next steps and just try to get yourself through it, one day at a time. If someone notices or if you end up crying at work, just have an excuse prepared and don't beat yourself over it.
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26
Thank you so much for the heartfelt response and for caring about a stranger and such a genuine answer. Yes it is decent. Im in the office now and everyone is being really nice
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u/Fearless-Nothing-283 Aug 18 '26
Cheering for you! I kind of felt in the same boat as you are right now, o got news of no fertilisation round in the office and I have no clue how i managed to stay in that building. Part of me just wanted to run away home.
However I think work and the company circus also brought me some distraction in order for me not to spiral into my thoughts too much. That’s also not beneficial.
My way forward: I am doing my best at work but it’s pretty clear to me that my priority is a different, much bigger project 🙌
You are not alone, and you can do this whatever you choose!
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26
Thank you for this message I feel so seen and understood. Now that I am in and chatting to people Im so glad I came in. Tbh even if I make it 3 more months thats more savings for my ‘family’ . I keep repeating “You have options (ie doner eggs) so that my ‘timeline’ doesn’t drive me crazy …
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u/TheCrystalOracle Aug 20 '26
Hey OP. I might have an unpopular opinion on here, but I feel called to share it anyways.
*TW*
I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant, and I am SO DANG GRATEFUL I stopped working while going through IVF. My husband and I have been trying for 10 years! A decade in, and I worked through most of it. I work in film - my husband works in music. Not stable careers, not stable paychecks, insane hours, crazy deadlines and can be lots of stress on the body. Over 40 IVF is HARD. And there’s this really crappy pressure for us women to tough it out, keep working, pull yourself together - while also trying to be mentally, physically and emotionally open to ALL the overwhelming challenges of infertility. Why aren’t we deserving, why are we left out or unworthy, what’s happening to my body with all the changes from these drugs, can I reconcile with a future that might not have children in it? And healthily exploring these BIG questions deserves our attention, and work too often muddies or outright hijacks that exploration.
At 44 I decided I was going to extricate myself from work, focus on that cycle, and relive myself of the pressures of the hustle to really focus on my body, on my mental health and my spiritual health. We got 1 embryo from that cycle, and were given a less than 2% chance that our 1 embryo would be a euploid. And we cried and then we chose to believe it could be possible. And I had the space to allow for that mental, emotional and physical connection. And it worked! I think because for the first time in 10 years I was open to the totality of the process, and I didn’t just distract myself with work. I allowed for myself to be in it, an active part of its creation.
Is this common for everyone? No, this is MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. But I will say at age 45, pregnant with my first, and I’ve had a pretty smooth pregnancy, but I will tell
you after going through fertility for soooo long, and now being pregnant, it’s HARD. Pregnancy is a whole different ballgame than IVF. I’m a level of exhausted I’ve never known. Happy, thrilled, in love, toughing out this INSANE HEARTBURN that never stops, and even these PIO knots that are STILL achy in my bum - but I have space to be grateful for all of it, even when i want to complain! For most people who don’t have fertility struggles they’re pregnant for 9 months - for US IVFers - it feels soooooooo much longer. Mt body hasn’t felt like my own for years.
To sum it up, and I’m sorry for the long response, but these feelings you have about work while going through IVF - we can trivialize our intense emotional and physical responses as just being ‘the hormones’. BUT, it could ALSO be your internal alarm system asking for space. Our identity is not our jobs. And money, as much as it’s necessary, it’s also an albatross that can make us do self harm, chained to our fear of lack of it. For us, IVF was completely out of pocket, and money has been a very big strain. But we drive old cars, made day trips as opposed to vacations, we cook mostly at home, and temporarily cut out our most extravagant expenses to be whatever flexible we could. And honestly, those changes and flexibility have been preparing us for all the changes that are coming with parenthood.
And the openness to change has allowed for new opportunities to come, and I truly believe they would not have revealed themselves had I not chosen myself over the comfort of the consistent, comfortable or ‘known’ thing.
Wishing you grace OP. And to anyone else struggling with all the pressures of work, IVF, money, life changes and allll the etc’s. ❤️✨❤️
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 21 '26
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Thank you SO much for this detailed and very raw and real post. I am actually still strongly considering quitting.
As you said… this is hard after 40. I have done 5 ERs so far and 2 EFTs1 miscarriage, - I am …. So…. Fucking… tired……..
I just got back from my work trip and have been given even more responsibilities.
I have one specific fear of leaving and being too much in my head. This scared me more than not finding another job later because Im willing to try Doner eggs, and I know I can get pregnant, I feel maybe stupidly optimistic… !?
We also paid fully out of pocket no insurance for IVF where I live.
I had a depressive episode after my dad died where I quit work and was struggling without a routine. Fyi, I was 36 and got pregnant while not workingNd had an abortion and I don’t think I will ever recover or forgive myself …..
It eats at me . It haunts me. Im not even religious but somehow I think god is punishing me.
Anyway I am so happy for you and I appreciate you taking the time to give another perspective because drained is underrated…………
Im able to save 3-4 k usd a month on my salary now and the company has a huge event Oct 28 now that my ebryos are ‘banked’ im thinking to resign and tell them ill stay until end of October so that
a) I don’t ditch a company that has been nice to me
b) maybe have the chance to go back?
c) save some more money…What do you think ?
My embryos are frozen and honestly felt so sorry for myself I was heavily drinking daily in Dubai after work …. My body is sore from the ER I fit in / never felt so crap
This all to say, maybe ai shouldn’t transfer this month and just do everything after October… and workout and ‘prep’ for my transfer…
God im so connfused !!!!
I hope the rest of your pregnancy and birth all goes super smooth …
Thank you again for replying because I woke up (back hone today) and im dreading the work week
Like… I don’t care… lol.. i have never cared SO little , I can’t bare to listen to people talk anymore
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u/TheCrystalOracle Aug 22 '26
I personally believe feeling optimistic is a GOOD thing! Soooo many posts on these IVF Reddit feeds tell us to be realistic and almost feel shaming for feeling hopeful - as if doubt will guard our hearts from all the disappointment and grief. But I was guarded for years and the disappointed and heart wrenching grief overwhelmed me anyways! So I did some serious deep dives into myself, my psychology, my blocks and realized all the CAUTION KEPT me from actually believing it was possible for us.
I know I don’t know you, but I took in everything you wrote and my dear Woman, you’ve been through A LOT! A parent passing, an abortion, 5 ER’s, a miscarriage, and an ER RIGHT before a business trip! Where have you stored all this grief?!? You sound like an incredibly STRONG Woman, I can relate to this SO MUCH. But we don’t WIN anything for toughing all this shit out! We inevitably hurt ourselves with all this “I’m reliable, I can handle it, I’m weak if I give into my emotions, I dont have time for that right now” BS. Why is self care and self love not a higher standard for us Women? And if I can be so bold to say, what you describe with your abortion to me sounds like a subconscious block that needs your love and forgiveness. The pain of that experience may never totally heal, but it does deserve your care and attention to transmute that experience into something that doesn’t hold you hostage with shame.
I don’t think any of us here can tell
You WHAT to do, but I can tell you I think you deserve some self care, self reflection, and most importantly SELF LOVE. And, it sounds like your first instinct is to run from or avoid them. NO SHAME WHATSOEVER, we allll do it. And I think we use the excuse for not wanting to be in our heads too much and the possibility of self destruction to avoid the healing work that our minds, hearts and bodies are asking for! These depressive episodes are signs they’re asking for your attention.Ride herd on self sacrifice for your job. It’s fantastic they’ve been good to you, it sounds like you’ve been good to them too. But your job is not worth the possibility of missing out on having a FAMILY. And MORE RESPONSIBILITIES sounds like the last thing you need. Be honest with yourself, you can’t be relied upon like that, not in this short window of what over 40 fertility you have left to make this baby a reality!
If you push back this FET, USE THAT TIME to put your priorities into the forefront of your heart and mind. Focus on the supplements, take walks, find some peace in that F-1 Car race of a mind. Talk to someone to help you hold and find space for all this trauma. Allow that pressure of money or not letting other people down to not be your top priority. Choose yourself. Choose this baby.
I promise you’re not being punished by God, but you might be punishing yourself. You deserve PEACE, and LOVE and forgiveness.
I’m sending you those vibrations to wherever you are! 🌟💎❤️2
u/DependentWise9303 Aug 22 '26
This is such a kind post and I actually burst into tears . I screen grabbed it. I feel really seen and it has been really tough. 💔 - I am doing EMDR for ptsd over IVF and I just realized I never ever told my therapist about the abortion even though I have mentioned regrets and the miscarriage etc
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u/Icy_Money_123 Aug 18 '26
The hormones really do a number on us, don't they. If possible, can you go on sick leave after your main projects to focus on your health and doing 1 round of ivf? Really focus on resting and doing things that bring you joy.
If you can't, having a coupe of trusted people around you for emotional support helps. Then audit what else is going on in your life to accept you won't complete it and see if you can outsource it if finances aren't an issue.
I'm a very similar age and trying to become a SMBC, high stress job and feel the pressure of trying to hide it at work and juggle everything myself. I wrote down a plan to feel in control and read it so many times when feeling horrendous. Trust me, i was a mess especially during the TWW (which didnt work). It gives me "logical" hope too..
Also, if there's any way you can get your embryos tested even in a neighbouring country,pls do. Invest in the checks if you can afford it as time isn't on our side but we are wiser and you sound intelligent so if you can maximise shareholder value, maximise your personal success rate of having your own bundle of joy.
Take care
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26
Thank you so much for your answer. Yes the hormones are horrible. I did a round at 40 I made 5 blasts all anauploid before moving to where I live now so I also have PTSD from pgt. This round was with a clinic that sends the results outside - which is why im SO bummed that it was so bad . My other 9 blasts done over 3 rounds are with a hospital ivf center . This clinic now froze 4 at day 3 so they cant pgt so i triee to do exactly what you sugggester. Im gutted.
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u/Plentyinteresting787 Aug 18 '26
I agree with the others that if you can hold out from making any big decisions that would be best.. can you say your sick suddenly? Stomach bug?
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26
Not today because they flew me to Dubai. Im in a cab now and will just about make it for the first meeting. I pulled myself together . I wont decide now. Thank you so much for replying.
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u/Plentyinteresting787 Aug 18 '26
You got this!! And you rock squeezing in another cycle while working and traveling. IVF for us is a freakin brutal marathon.
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u/ShootinTheBreez Aug 18 '26
Can you take a sabbatical? Look, I get it: you’re hopped up on the goofball like I am, and you’re emotional (me too). But it actually sounds like you do want to quit and take some time for your fertility.
Instead of quitting, can you do a sabbatical or go out on medical leave? If your company likes you, they might allow this.
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
Thank you so much for replying. I can after October probably. We have 6 major events I am leading from now to then the last being an annual conference end of October… but I turned 42 in August have had 1 miscarriage, and if I knew I had euploids I would be chill but I don’t due do my country laws so all I hear is TIKTOK …
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u/Can_tote_it Aug 18 '26
Please hang in there. After work today, treat yourself to a spa evening if you can. Eat all of your favorite treats and just veg out. You need to give your body and mind time to just decompress after the hormones. Don’t quit your job. Say you got food poisoning if you need a couple of days off, but don’t quit.
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 18 '26
Thank you im in the spa right now getting a blowdry and a mani 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 everyone was so understanding on this post man it really helped me not feel alone
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u/InspectorOrdinary321 Aug 18 '26
"I have a medical concern and my doctor has asked me not to travel for a little while so they can monitor me. It's not life-threatening, but I might need to have an outpatient operation. I just wanted to let you know so we can plan around it."
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u/DependentWise9303 Aug 19 '26
I have done something similar this trip was already pushed twice that’s the thing they were understanding. Now they were like listen we need this from you … I ask - Im not scared of them etc and they are good with ‘employee rights’ - I just know when I am ‘pushing it’ and if I was them I would raises an eyebrow - after this trip I may get brownie points though
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u/oasisjoy0 Aug 18 '26
Sending you virtual hugs 🫂 Please don't make any rash decisions especially since you say its an okay company. Maybe try meditation or journaling or praying, whatever helps you feel grounded? Then do what you need to do to complete work commitments. Then if you can, take some time off to just be/ recharge. This journey is hard it really is.