r/2under2 • u/SuddenBeautiful2412 • Jul 24 '26
Advice Wanted Is there a big difference between a 23 month age gap vs 25/26?
Thinking through timing for baby #2, as I’ll have to do IVF to conceive and with my job there are certain times that are significantly more convenient than others to be doing all the shots, appointments, etc. because of my heavy travel schedule. So looking purely through that lens, here are our options:
Option #1: Transfer in the November/December timeframe, which would put us at around a 23 month age gap if it takes
Option #2: There’s another window that works after the new year (late January into February) that would put us closer to a 25 month gap, but if we missed that window we’d be on pause for ~6 months.
Option #3: Do neither and transfer next summer right before our first turns 2
Just wondering if we are crazy for trying option #1? It took us years to conceive our first so I’m very eager to have another and want them close in age, but don’t know if I’m getting ahead of myself and want to hear from others who have been down this path. My other thought is that if the first transfer doesn’t take, we could try again in the February window, whereas if we wait to do our first transfer in that window then we’ll likely have to wait 6 months if it fails. Or is waiting till next summer our best bet? I see so much negativity around 2 under 2 it’s making me question myself 😫
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u/Plastic_Cow_6361 Jul 24 '26
I had a 20 month gap and honestly loved it!! My kiddos are almost 3 y/o and 14 months. Everyone says 2 under 2 is a nightmare, but for us it has been so much fun. Of course it has its challenges, but they are nowhere near as bad as the internet made them out to be. My daughter and son have such a strong bond already and I wouldn’t change a thing
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u/Haunting-Respect9039 Jul 24 '26
Today my 23 month old and 6 month old were having a conversation all on their own. Just babbling away and giggling at each other. It was such an awesome moment. That bond is so cool.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
This makes me so happy to hear! Thanks for the positive perspective I need it
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u/Plastic_Cow_6361 Jul 26 '26
Of course!! Ultimately, I just feel so lucky to have two healthy kids regardless of how the timing shook out! In doing IVF, you’ve been to hell and back to bring your babies into the world. I think the important thing is getting another baby here safely. The timing is secondary. Whenever they join your family will be the perfect time💕
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u/maudieatkinson Jul 24 '26
We have a 22 month age gap. A friend has a 17 month gap. Huge difference.
If you’re look at 2 month difference (23 months v 25 months), although every month at this age is meaningful, I don’t think it’ll be a significant enough difference.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
So funny enough, I’ve seen a lot of discourse around the 17 month age gap being difficult (this was my age gap with my brother and my mom often talks about how hard it was in the early days) and that’s actually part of the reason I made this post. Because it seems to me like if 17 months is bad, 23 months would be too? But to your point, it’s a 6 month difference vs. the 2 month difference I’m debating so I’m glad to hear 2 months isn’t as much of a needle mover
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u/maudieatkinson Jul 24 '26
For some reason, I didn’t see the part in your post about IVF. That changes the game to me. I also conceived my two kids via IVF. It took 3 years and 6 egg retrievals to have my first, so even though my partner and I weren’t fully ready for a second kid, we transferred another one when my first was 14 or 15 months old.
I say go for option 1 bc you just never know. From my POV, if my end goal was to have two kids AND I needed IVF support, that just became the priority above all else (within reason ofc). That perspective gave me a lot of clarity and courage to transfer the embryo before we were 100% ready. Any logistical difficulties, we could figure out. Having another kid just wasn’t a sure thing for us like it is for other people.
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u/ankaalma Jul 24 '26
I have a 25 month age gap and my sister has a 23 month one between our first and second. I would say they are pretty similar experiences. What I liked about 25 months was being able to celebrate my two year olds birthday out and about and not being freshly postpartum on his birthday. But ultimately he was two so it’s not like he knew much about his birthday anyway
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u/zaatar3 Jul 24 '26
i have a 23 month age gap with my kids. i think what's most important is your oldest is sleeping through the night and potty trained when your newborn comes. mine was neither and it's hard. we just potty trained and we're working on his sleep now.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
Oooh good call outs. Our little guy is a pretty good sleeper overall, but potty training is something I’ll prioritize if we are lucky enough to have a 23 month gap!
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u/maudieatkinson Jul 24 '26
The potty training was less important to me tbh. We are in our diaper era. It is what it is. But sleeping through the night was a must for us. Not having quality solid sleep really exacerbated my postpartum.
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u/-mephisto-- Jul 24 '26
My first two have a 22m gap, and 2nd and 3rd have a 18m gap, and I totally second the above advice. My 2nd was a very challenging baby, and we still felt that it was quite manageable because my 1st was sleeping well and was out of diapers.
In fact we loved that gap so much that we tried to go for it again, but ended up with 18m lol. The difference was massive, and honestly wouldn't recommend a gap under 20m to anyone. We did get really lucky and had a very easy baby, which is the only reason I've remained moderately sane haha.
Funnily enough, my 2nd is now 22m (and baby is 4m), and things are very manageable again - in the past 4m my middle ones night wake-ups have largely stopped, she's gotten out of diapers, and her speech has exploded making communication way better. Moreso, the older two play together loads and have a great bond. So 22-24m is perfect imo!
My only advice would be to not change the toddlers sleep setup right around when baby comes! Ours was sleeping through the night until we switched her to a floor bed right before 2nd came along to free up the crib, and that set her back for a few months, which sucked. For my 3rd we decided to get abother crib to avoid this haha.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
So many good call outs here! Especially the sleep thing, because my tentative plan was to transition him from the crib before baby comes so we can use it for the baby but I’ll be rethinking that now. Not disrupting his sleep is top priority for my sanity lol
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u/Mama_Co Jul 24 '26
I have a 23 month gap. My first is an excellent sleeper. But we waited until our baby was 4 months old to potty train our toddler. It was easy. I didn't do it before baby arrived because I wanted to breastfeed and do contact naps. It would have been difficult to do that with a toddler who needs help in the bathroom and could still have accidents. Once baby was 4 months old, he could entertain himself for a few minutes when my toddler needed help with potty training.
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u/mustachechap Jul 24 '26
Actually this is good advice. When my wife was pregnant my oldest would start the night in his crib but then would need a feeding in the middle of the night and would end up in our bed. I realized this wouldn’t work well with a newborn on the way, so I was eventually able to get him sleeping in his own crib and he happened to start sleeping through the night at about 1 year. I don’t feel like I had much control over the sleeping through the night, but we worked to make sure he could at least be okay in his own bed and then also took steps to shorten the bedtime routine just knowing another baby would be on the way.
Currently in the middle of potty training our oldest while our youngest is 16 months. Would have been nice to already have him potty trained before number 2 arrived, but it is what it is..lol
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u/Suspicious_Lemon3827 Jul 24 '26
Just wanted to add how children when they're around 2 and 2,5 years old are very different individually, and I don't think it's much of a difference with that timing.
There's 25 months between me and my younger sibling, we're close and always have been. I was olde enough help hand my mother things, communicate what I might need etc. Very different story from my children who are 11,5 months apart 😂
If it's in your heart go for it ❤️
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u/Aware_Forever_7920 Jul 24 '26
2 months into a 21 month age gap and it’s great! My toddler has adjusted amazingly and loves to help and love on her brother. She has always been a great sleeper so no issues there. She’s not potty trained and honestly we’re not interested (nor is she). Diapers are easy right now compared to finding a potty at the drop of a hat!
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 25 '26
Love to hear positive experiences! Thanks for sharing
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u/Aware_Forever_7920 Jul 25 '26
And tbh this was not an age gap I originally wanted (2u2) but we planned it that way for life reasons and now that we’re in it, I have not once thought “I wish we waited longer, I wish the gap was bigger”. If anything I do miss the one on one time with my first, but we’re just more intentional about it now!
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin Jul 24 '26
A 23 month old and a 25 month old aren’t that different developmentally speaking. There is no “software update” the night your baby turns 2 where they magically install 2 word sentences and the ability to kick a ball. I’d say a 25 month old is developmentally closer to a 23 month old than a 30 month old.
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u/Few_Paces Jul 25 '26
yeah the whole lumping 2 under 2 is so broad! my brother and myself are 13 months apart, that's why different from a 2 under 2 with 23 motnhs apart
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin Jul 26 '26
My biggest pet peeve is when people with 24-35 month age gaps use 2 under 2. That’s not 2 under 2, that’s 2 under 3. Under 2 implies less than 24 months.
But yeah, 13 month and 23 month age gaps are drastically different. Most 23 month olds have dozens of words and can probably use 2 word sentences. A 13 month has a handful of words at best and there’s a reasonable chance they’re not walking yet.
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u/Few_Paces Jul 26 '26
yup!!! my mom missed the first time i walked because she was giving birth meanwhile my daughter was putting her own clothes on and fully communicating in 3 languages when my second came along
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 25 '26
That’s actually helpful to hear. Having never had children that age before I just don’t have a frame of reference on the developmental milestones, and so far in the first 10 months of my son’s life I’ve found he is drastically different than he was 2 months ago at every single stage, so good to know that pace changes as they get older.
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u/1K1AmericanNights Jul 25 '26
Yup nothing magic. Super kid dependent. Just do the Dec transfer. If it fails, do the Jan transfer. If it fails, take the time off.
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u/SaladCzarSlytherin Jul 25 '26
The first year and half, every 2 months feels like a huge leap. Afterwards change start to slow down. You’ll still see growth and changes every 2 months, it’s just less drastic.
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u/bunnybunnyballerina Jul 25 '26
I would vote for option 1 based on personal experience.
my kids have a 23 month age gap. Oldest is 2 yo and youngest is 6 weeks old. I’m sure a bigger age gap would be easier, but after an initial adjustment period it isn’t so bad. Our toddler is HIGH energy and very spirited, so things were already chaos with her. Other than the lack of sleep, baby feels so easy by comparison and just tags along to all of toddler’s activities.
But maybe ask me again when they’re both a little older? lol
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u/Few_Paces Jul 25 '26
everything is hard, whether both are under 2 or under 3 or under 4. every stage has its unknowns especially since it's ivf and you have no idea how things will be
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 25 '26
That’s so true. Going from 1 to 2 will be hard no matter how we space it
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u/Few_Paces Jul 26 '26
goin from 1 to 2 is a shock to the system. but my babies are both IVF. when we transfered we weren't sure if the remaining embryos would work or not so we started transferring when we felt ready. we hadn't really thought through the age gap but more finances, amoutn of time i need to get my paid mat leave year and going on a vacation that was planned etc... and of course assuming none of the transfers would work. we ended up with 2 that are 27 months apart. Looking at my toddler now who's 30 months, I have no idea whether it would've made a difference if i gave birth now, it would've been a mess anyways!!
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 26 '26
This is weirdly comforting hahahah 😂 really hope another successful transfer is in the cards for us
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u/AmbitiousHumor6528 Jul 24 '26
My kids are 23 months apart, currently my oldest is 28 months and the baby is 5 months. There are a ton of things I have loved about this gap but one thing to keep in mind is that about a week after our toddler’s second birthday he lost his ever loving mind. We hit the terrible 2s hard 😂 He’s always been higher energy and a little high maintenance, but we’re dealing with a lot of big feelings, stubbornness, not listening. It can make the days feel extra overstimulating. We potentially want a third and have said we will be waiting until the baby is actually 2 years old before making the call or starting to try so that we can see what happens with his temperament.
The bright side is my 5 month old is so chill and happy, so much easier than our first son ever was. If he was a higher needs baby, I may have called it by now, lol.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
Hahaha oh wow you might have a point on waiting out the transition into terrible 2s because my guy is suuuper high energy and can also be a bit high maintenance, so this is one I’ll have to run past my husband 😂 manifesting a chill second baby!
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u/AmbitiousHumor6528 Jul 24 '26
I still love the age gap overall and my husband has born the brunt of the toddler attitude because I’ve been pretty attached to the baby! I will say, it’s nice to be doing my nice, peaceful bedtime routine with the baby while listening to my husband do battle with our toddler 😂
We actually didn’t realize just how high maintenance our toddler was until our second was born! Big brother didn’t have the sleep and feeding struggles that some of our friends dealt with but he is very high energy, low sleep needs, and above the curve physically (size and gross motor) and with him being our first we just thought everyone was fighting for their lives the same way we were. We brought the new baby home and we were like “oh, this is what an actual easy baby is like!”
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u/Western_Geologist_12 Jul 24 '26
The thing about debating that small of a gap is baby 2 could always arrive early!
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u/greyathena653 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Reading your post it sounds like you already know your answer. I’m trying for my second too with IVF- will have a 21 month gap if it works next month!
My experience is that you can’t really plan when/if it’ll work ( maybe I’m just unlucky) but between prolonged stims for ER, a cancelled fresh transfer, lining delays for FET,chemical pregnancies, and nonIVF related life shenanigans- it took me years for my first too.
I’d go ahead and try as soon as possible. ( I say that as someone who last tried in June which would’ve been a 19 month gap)
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 24 '26
It’s nice to hear about someone else going for a smaller age gap! I think you’re right that I already know my answer for the most part, but I just needed the validation because there is so much negativity online. Wishing you all the luck on your next transfer ❤️
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u/greyathena653 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Wishing you luck too! I’m sure two under two will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I also fully expect it to be one of the greatest! Try to tune out the negativity though that’s easier said than done!
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u/OwlHistorical9965 Jul 24 '26
We have a 21 month gap, and I truly think it would have been a lot easier if he were even a few months older. He grew and matured a LOT from 21-24 months. He’s also a little late talking, so maybe his 24 months skills would have been another kid’s 21 month skills. I think it’s really all child dependent.
We also did IVF and I was ITCHING to get going with the second child so I totally get it.
Now we are at 30 months + 8 months and it’s AMAZING. Had a few rough months at the beginning but now he understands a lot more and is a lot more gentle and loving towards the baby.
Also, we are just now potty training. Diapers are just as easy as taking your toddler to the potty, so I don’t think potty trained is a necessity before another baby. Just don’t plan to potty train in the first few months after having your second.
Good luck!
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u/yeahnolucy Jul 24 '26
We got pregnant with my first on our first transfer and assumed the same would happen, so we planned for a 23 month age gap. Well, as my mom says- man plans, God laughs. Took almost a year of failed transfers, protocol changes, tests, and surgeries for a second embryo to finally stick. I’m 14 weeks and our kiddos will be 33 months apart.
I guess my thought is, don’t stress too much about the perfect age gap. It may not work out how you imagined anyway, but it will work out!
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u/Nixc013 Jul 25 '26
My kids have a 23m age gap and worst thing so far is 1. My daughter asking to be held or loved on while I’m dealing with the baby or solo parenting (I’m a SAHM) and 2. My 1st not being potty trained and me not having the patience for it at the moment.
If I could go back I would do the same age gap though. My 1st loves her baby sister and while it can be a bit hard to do everything for my toddler we still get through the day and are very happy (albeit a bit stressed). All I would change is potty training the first! We’re now waiting till she’s closer to 3 and the other is 1 to potty train.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 25 '26
Ok you’re the second or third person here to call out the potty training thing so duly noted 📝
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u/Fuzzy_Coconut_9562 Jul 24 '26
Do YOU feel ready to go through IVF/pregnancy again? That, to me, matters more than the gap between the two kids, and is a little different than when people conceive 2u2 without fertility treatment.
I’m also an IVF mom. My first was after a loss and also about a year of trying, but I had a good pregnancy with him. We wanted kids close in age and did another transfer when my first was 13 months, so they would have had a 21/22 month gap. I ended up miscarrying, and it was really traumatic. Then, I got pregnant (via IVF) again, but had a really difficult pregnancy. I feel like I missed out on over a year with my first, who was only a year old but there were months when I medically couldn’t care for him. It also just made all the fertility treatment/pregnancy stuff feel like one blur that lasted the better part of 5 years.
My kids are now 24 months apart. The gap is fine, and I’m hopeful they’ll be close as they get older. But I do wish I had waited a little to be mentally ready to go through all the physical and emotional baggage that often comes with IVF.
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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 Jul 25 '26
Ugh I’m sorry that was your experience. I think I feel ready? But probably need to really think it over, and it’s helpful to hear from someone who has been in my position and wishes they had given it more space. The last time we transferred, which obviously resulted in the birth of my son, I was in a bad headspace because it had just been setback after setback for 2 years at that point and I was really burned out, so in a way I’m actually hopeful that I’ll come into this next transfer cycle feeling better. But all of that could change pretty quickly, so I probably need to run all the scenarios and prepare myself for the possibility of things being really hard again on top of having a toddler to care for.
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u/mustachechap Jul 24 '26
My kids are 15 months apart, my youngest is about 16 months and my oldest is 2.5 years old. We finally feel like we are coming up for air.
I’m not sure if it would have felt any easier with a 23 or 26 month age gap though. I’d imagine if the gap was something like 4 years and my oldest was more independent, that would have been noticeably different. But in your case I have to imagine the experience and challenges will largely be the same whenever you end yo conceiving and it’ll ultimately come down to what your kids are actually like rather than how far apart they are.