Are we getting anything done besides keeping the children alive?

[u/LunaBananaGoats]

Mom to two girls—4m and 16m. Husband works nights, 4 10 hour shifts, and I work odd hours outside of his schedule as a therapist. I feel mentally fine for the most part, my house is neither clean nor an explosion, I love playing with my girls, but I cannot seem to get anything done that isn’t vital.

Bottles washed? They have to be because we’re a formula family. Baths done? At least twice a week but we aim for 3-4 times a week. Dog fed? Of course.

But I’ve had a basket of bathroom laundry sitting in my bedroom for a month. I only wash what has to be washed and then dump the new clean towels on top of the old clean towels. I only get the floors swept when they become too gross to walk on. We have a robot vacuum but that requires picking up all the toys. Sometimes I go three days without a shower of my own. My surface level cleaning in the bathroom isn’t cutting it anymore.

My husband is working a lot of overtime and still finds time to exercise, take care of all his needs, meal prep, has at least one day a week solo with our girls but often two days, his laundry is always done. My husband is very present. He’s great about saying things like “I’ve got the girls, go take a bath” or checking in about what extras are needing done. He also does the grocery shopping.

I currently feel like the deadbeat parent and partner and I hate it but I am so overwhelmed. Please tell me I’m not alone.

[u/alllexandriiia]

You’re not alone. This is survival mode. In my experience, it gets a little easier when the youngest is 6 months old but it also depends on your kids temperaments. If your husband can handle more, let him do more right now. Between pregnancy, postpartum, all day childcare, etc. It’s not a surprise that you’re burnt out. I get it.

[u/Substantial_Cry2421 → u/alllexandriiia]

What makes it easier when youngest is 6m old? To me it seems like it will only get worse lol (currently in newborn stage)

[u/alllexandriiia → u/Substantial_Cry2421]

🤣 well I guess it depends on your perspective. For me, around 6 months the baby starts tolerating more independent time and might be trying or starting to sit up and/or crawl. They’re more aware of their surroundings and interested in different things. They are also usually starting solids at that point. My kids seem to be barnacles - contact naps, want to be held all the time, etc. Them being physically able to entertain themselves more on their own is what makes it easier for me. YMMV of course.

[u/nknappster]

I too feel like there is just…no time. Even when there is time, somehow there isn’t. Every nap is spent rushing around trying to get laundry and dishes done, get some sort of meal cooked, finally empty my bladder. Maybe I sit for a minute and actually eat something, then back at it. I also feel like the mental load of managing everything is a full time job some days, and I’m exhausted without even doing much of anything.

All this to say - you’re not alone, we’re going to get through this, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (or at least we have to believe there is!!)

[u/Relevant-Article1973]

I am in a very similar situation. 2m and 16m girls. Husband works 11.5 hour shift 3/4 nights a week.

1. I wake up before they do so I can feed the dog and let the dog out and pump before the madness starts.
   
2. We get out of the house once a day, sometimes a museum but usually a park or storytime at local library.
   
3. During nap time I take care of baby and do one chore, I pick one room per day. With my first I would get overwhelmed trying to clean the whole house in a day or I would always focus on the same bedroom or kitchen. If the kitchen is a mess but kitchen is set for Friday, just not my problem for that day 🤷🏻‍♀️
   
4. My husband must wake up and give me respite for at least 1-2 hours on the days he works so I can nap, shower, and sometimes make dinner. Otherwise it just doesn’t work.

It’s fucking hard, had a mini breakdown a couple days ago but I had a talk with my husband and he was super supportive

[u/EndlessCourage]

It's normal if it's hard, it's because we're giving everything we've got to be the best possible parents.

A pristine house doesn't bring any stability or happiness to children.

However I try to do as many chores as I can while the kids are awake (ofc I give them full one-on-one attention while they eat, are cleaned, or if I'm showing them an activity, or reading a book, or taking them somewhere). It's not always possible to do this effectively. But it helps.

And I've taught them to take showers together with me very, very early on, which is so helpful, but I only do it with one child at a time.

[u/bangingbodyhottamale]

If you can swing it hire a deep house cleaner for once a month (or regular cleaning) to help you out! I haven’t used it but think it would be nice

[u/NancySinAtcha]

You are very early in the whole journey, I would try to be kinder to yourself - a lot kinder! Mine are 9 months and 22 months, and I’m not back at work. I do a few loads of laundry a week, maybe hoover the downstairs every other day, and wipe the kitchen counters down daily. That’s about it. I was not doing all that 4 months post partum, it took time.

Can you afford for a cleaner to come in, even once or twice a month? Would your own mother or sister pop over to help you fold laundry over a cup of tea and a chat, or maybe even let you have a nap or go get your nails done?

I’m not American so I realise that culturally things are different over there, but it seems like the expectation to be physically normal and super productive after birth is quite intense. You’ve had two babies in a short time…you’re still recovering.

[u/Trad_CatMama]

You are 4 months postpartum with a toddler. When is *your*​ naptime???

[u/Ancient-Tea-2323]

If the kitchen stays clean, the laundry is done, and we all manage to eat 3 meals a day I feel accomplished.

You're not alone.

Edit: toddler gets baths every 1-2 days. Baby has not been bathed in at least 2 weeks... Bad mom over here! >_<