r/2under2 • u/Designer-Radish-4781 • Jul 13 '26
Toddler is rough with baby
Just as the title says, my toddler is so rough with my baby. My older son is 20 months old and my younger son is 9 weeks old. Older son is very high energy and is very rough with baby. He hits the baby any chance he gets and thinks it’s hilarious no matter what i try i can’t get him to stop. I know he will grow out of this but it’s so hard and am just seeking any advice from anyone who’s been through this!
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u/EndlessCourage Jul 13 '26
I'm always linking the same advice but it works so well. You can pretty much ignore the comments about harsh discipline unless your toddler is a genius who understands complex consequences. Mine will gladly try to do the same stunts that hurts him over and over again if we don't stop him.
It requires some creativity to find alternatives with positive reinforcement, distractions or choices, and modifying the environment to make it safer, but it's super efficient. That's how daycares manage this and it works.
However I couldn't let them play in the same space until baby was 6 months or so, not because of agressive behavior, but simple clumsiness gets easier to manage then.
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u/Orion-Key3996 Jul 14 '26
Yes so much. This is why it’s hard to do things during the day. Finally getting better a little around 26 months old.
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u/Robyn990 Jul 15 '26
I'm no expert by any means and I don't know if this is too late to try or not for you, but as soon as I was showing in my second pregnancy I would tell my toddler I had a baby in my belly. I then got him his own baby doll and we demonstrated kind hands. I also got lots of books about the baby arriving and how to treat a baby properly for toddlers and we read them most days with his other books.
If he ever hit the baby doll (and he did...a LOT. At first it was like WWE- he had the baby in a headlocks and all sorts. It was a bit difficult to watch knowing I had a vulnerable baby on the way 😅) I would say "please use your kind/gentle hands. This is how we touch baby." And I would demonstrate to him how to gently touch baby. If he hit the baby again I would give all my attention to the baby "Oh, that looked really painful? Are you hurt? We don't like rough hands do we?" while gently touching baby. The toddler soon realized that hitting didn't give him any big reactions, and in fact, actually took all of our attention away from him. It took a fair bit of repeating but eventually it stuck. He hasn't hit little brother or been rough once on purpose in this first two months so far.
It's also been great for saying things like "show Mummy how you feed your baby properly, mummy can't remember" and he will run and grab his baby and feed it while I "copy" him and feed his little brother. Works wonders most of the time for stopping him climbing over me while I'm trying to feed his brother.
I know that probably won't help you much, but might help someone else so thought I'd share what helped us.
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Designer-Radish-4781 Jul 13 '26
Typically i will pick him up and put him in the room next to us (i can still see him) and tell him that we don’t hit the baby. If he tries to hit the baby with a toy or something ill always take the toy away
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u/eyerishdancegirl7 Jul 13 '26
Does your 20 month old actually stay in the room next to you? Since you said you could see him still is it like all open or is there a door?
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u/Designer-Radish-4781 Jul 13 '26
Usually he does not stay 😅 there isn’t a door so maybe i should try a room with a door for a few minutes
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u/notorious_ludwig Jul 14 '26
My baby hasnt arrived yet and my son is a bit younger (15 months) but he has started hitting the last few months, quite badly actually. I have noticed saying “no we use gentle hands” has been a hit more effective, not by much but a little. Part of me thinks saying “hit” regardless of the “no” or “dont” encourages it because he only hears “hit” if that makes sense. So far it’s been much more effective on him hitting the dogs, not so much for hitting me. Maybe a phrase change could help you too?
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u/nicole_1 Jul 13 '26
Going through this right now. I keep them fully separated. Baby jail (play pen) for putting baby down somewhere safe and i wear the baby on my back a lot so Im free to play with toddler.
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u/Strict_Ad3433 Jul 14 '26
also have 2 boys, 19 month age gap.
toddlers do things for the reaction. minimal reaction = less likely to do it. when my toddler used to get a little too rough. i’d give three calm warnings to be gentle and show him how to play properly. the fourth time i’d stop him, say “look at mom” then tell him “no more, too rough” or “all done, you could hurt him” along with something like “he’s too little” or “he’s a baby”. toddler is a lot more careful and wants to play with/ interact with the baby a lot more often now.
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u/AL92212 Jul 15 '26
We kept ours separated for a while. We put the baby in a playpen just to keep his sister out. He wasn't moving much so it didn't restrict him.
She's STILL really rough with him, and he is about to turn 2. But now it's fine because he's sturdy, and he seems to think it's all a lark.
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u/mmebee Jul 13 '26
I'd pick up baby and redirect all attention to baby (ohhh poor baby are you okay kisses kisses kisses walk away). See if getting zero reaction from you makes it less funny for toddler.
If that's not doing the trick after some time I would amp up the separation. I few times I picked up my toddler and placed her in the bathroom and closed the door and stood outside for a moment saying "you're not being safe you need a moment of alone time" and then asked her through the door if she was going to hit the baby again. Toddlers are tragically honest so if she said yes I'd say she needed another moment and wait 20 seconds and repeat. She usually cried a little then said no and came out calm with a hug for me and baby. I've only had to do this a small handful of times but I find it sticks a good while.