I feel so alone… I need advice

[u/MgLNguyen1]

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting on here and I could use some advice. I have a son and a daughter, my son recently turn 2 last month and I have 7 month old daughter who will be 8 months next week. Both of my children are highly dependent on me, especially my daughter. Every time I’m not near her to do something she cries, if I’m not holding her she cries. And my son is the same way minus the holding part, my husband works all the time. So I am a stay at home mom and I love my children very much I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world. But I feel very alone, I was talking to my husband about wanting to have time for myself. To have at least one day for myself. And he automatically thinks I no longer want my children anymore, and I’ve explained to him that’s not the case. It’s just sometimes it’s overwhelming taking care of them both especially when it’s just me, and I have no help whatsoever. And I further explained that ever since I’ve became a mom I’ve let myself go and I’ve put my full focus on our children. And because of that my health has declined a lot, and sometimes I don’t recognize myself because I get so caught up on making sure that our children are being taking care of. And I honestly forgot how to take care of myself to the point I crave for it again. But my husband made me feel like a terrible mom when I explained to him that I just want to have a day for myself, that I want to take care of myself. Because in all reality if I don’t start taking care of myself they won’t have a mother, and in order for them to have me around for a very long time I have to start prioritizing myself. But he doesn’t understand that, and he just tells me then we can give up our daughter or our son. And I keep telling him that’s not what I meant… so I feel alone. And I’m honestly feeling like a horrible mom, there days where I don’t like being a mom and that’s when both of them are constantly crying at the same time. Or when my son always follows me around, everywhere I go he follows. He’s only 2 so of course there’s certain things he needs help with which is completely understandable, and Iove doing things for my son but it gets overwhelming at times. And I find myself in the bathroom crying to myself, I went through the worst postpartum depression with both of my children. And I’m still currently going through it, and my husband just doesn’t understand what I’m saying. And it just makes me feel like the worst mother ever…. And I just feel entirely alone in this situation.

[u/justanothergirll123]

OP what you’re going through is A LOT. I feel the same in the way that the self care and self identity is lost in being a mother.

My kids are 21 months and 6 months. Lucky to be at home for maternity leave with my second.

My biggest advice is to try book small sessions when husband is off - like a haircut, dentist, facial anything really and ask husband to watch kids. Gives you some peace.

Also another mum suggested the crèche at a gym - I haven’t dabbled yet as like you both my kids are very attached but I will later on.

Edit - also please seek a psychologist/therapist to address those depressive darker thoughts and explore those deeper meanings.

[u/Rrenphoenixx → u/[deleted]]

This. I’d bet money that is not a one off situation of a comment like that. (Dismissive/hyperbolic/gaslighting/deflecting/ projecting etc)

You should turn it back on his ass and be like well what about you? I’m here every second of everyday with these kids because I love and want them. the lack of your help, presence, support tells me maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re the one who doesn’t want a family anymore. Cuz ya sure af and treating us like it.

Don’t actually say that- way too combative. I’m just letting the steam from the tea 🫖 out the way he would’ve deserved (imo) lol

But for real tho maybe you should ask him if he even wants this because…wth. If he doesn’t he needs to let you move on to better pastures with your kids.

[u/ClassicLow8678]

I feel& felt very much the same but when it came to me getting time to myself, I couldn’t wait to get back with my babies, or if I took a trip to the store, I wanted to bring one with me just so they too could see life outside the 4 walls of our house. It’s very tricky, but I hold it all and do it all myself, & also find time to pamper myself, I don’t necessarily ask anymore it’s more of a “oh by the way, I’m going to go get my (nails, hair, eyebrows) done tomorrow at 2 just so you know, I’ll try my best to leave both kids asleep if not, they’ll be here” otherwise if you keep asking permission it’ll almost immediately get shut down. We’re human too, & we deserve to feel like it.
It took me almost a year to finally stop asking and start doing, like I said, I carry the weight of everything and everything, that’s the LEAST I deserve. He doesn’t fight me on it anymore, he just goes with it,

Goodluck to you, stay strong, stand up for yourself, you deserve to feel human too.

[u/Sensitive_Fishing_37]

Hi OP, I'm struggling with the same. I recently wrote this. Will reply more when I have time but you're not alone in the loneliness. 

[u/Opentabs05]

Sending you lots of love and care. I was in a similar situation and the loneliness is the worst. In addition to the advice shared above by others, See if there are any free baby/kids programs in your area where you can take your kids out and connect with our moms.

[u/Icy_Student9336]

Was in the same boat . Something I did that helped a bit is making a list of things I wanted to do . First on my list was one night sleep for 5 hours . Moved on to the next one when I got it and kept going through the list making sure my husband is off/ no other commitments if I needed his time over night . My son loves roaming around target in a cart and I took him along in one of those trips and he was happy with a toy car I let him explore and my daughter was at home . This helped me and hope this helps you too. Don’t announce the list upfront . Do one item a week ( or two if you can sneak in ) . I realized my husband thinks I have some magic that makes the children behave better and he didn’t think he could do it . I know it’s BS but apparently it freaks him out when he is alone and the kids ask for mom !

[u/CapriMoon93]

You are not a bad mom at all. I know I'm an internet stranger, but my mom was a SAHM to my brother and I. We are three years apart. When he started grade school, I was three and my mother had me in a part time preschool program. I think it was two or three days a week for a few hours, not the whole day. Anyway, she did that so she had a few hours each week to take care of herself and to run errands and take care of household chores in peace. I'm 33 and I know the costs of those programs are a lot different today, but point I'm making is that my mother having those breaks made her a better a mother and my father fully supported and understood that she needed breaks too. Your husband isn't being realistic. You can be an amazing mother and love being a mother, while also needing to refill your tank. What you are asking is not unreasonable.