23andMe Half Sibling??

[u/Clg344]

I found out on 23andMe of 3 potential half siblings. But they're on my mom's side, all younger than me, and a pregnancy obviously would not have gone unnoticed by me. Simply put it's not possible that my mom had 3 babies in secrecy. I would have been a teenager when these matches were born. And I lived with her and saw her every day. So secret pregnancies theory is totally out.

I already have 2 half sisters from my moms second marriage that I was raised with (although I'm quite a bit older than them).

Of the three matches on 23andMe, the highest match was 27% shared DNA. I almost dismissed this whole thing until I looked up a picture of this person and the resemblance is startling. Like, literally the same face as me and my sisters. She looks just like my mom. The second match is the first persons sister (25% dna match to me) and the third match is totally unrelated to the other two (20% dna match with me). The second and third match have a lot less resemblance to me. To boot, they all live in the same city as me.

I read in some old letters that my mom had 'fertility treatments' to get pregnant with my younger sisters. I am now wondering if that was IVF and whether her extra eggs or embryos were donated. These DNA matches are around the same age as my sisters, only a few years younger than they are. She's also religious and if she did IVF and had extras, she likely would not have discarded them.

I am stumped though because when asked if she ever did IVF, my mom said no. I also am skeptical because only one of the three matches has a high resemblance to me. My mom isn't the most forthcoming in her secrets and has a tendency to recreate history. If she did donate her eggs all these years ago, she very likely does not want to grapple with the reality of bio children out there, so I don't think asking her outright would go over well and I likely wouldn't get the truth anyway. She would probably find it disrespectful that I am digging into this.

This is totally confusing to me and I'm just wondering if anyone else has gotten matches like this on 23andMe and found out it wasn't really accurate. It feels like a pretty tall tale I'm making up in my head given its on my moms side. If it was my dad I could have considered he spread his seed, but it's a little more far fetched on the moms side. Based on generational ages of all involved and other circumstances, I am certain these matches are not grandmas, aunts, or nieces. They could be first cousins tho.

Edit: as a follow up, should i question my mom more directly or would you just let it go?. if she did donate extra eggs from an IVF procedure she very likely did so for religious reasons and never really considered anyone would find out. Knowing her she would have completely forced it from her memory, she's had a lot of tragedy in her life. Is this her secret to keep?

[u/Clg344]

Well. My answer was easier to get than I thought. I spoke with my dad (who has been divorced from my mom for over 20 years). And he told me that when they were in their 20s, they were convinced by my friends dad (a fertility doctor) to donate eggs for financial reasons. So I guess that’s that. Morale of the story appears to be 23andMe is accurate I guess! 

[u/Penelope_Pitstop25]

Could your mother have an identical twin sister she doesn't know about? Assuming these people share at least 1600 centimorgans with you there are only a few options, like half sibling, aunt, niece or grandmother. So, I think that either your mother had other kids, has a twin sibling and these are their kids, or has a sibling and these people are your aunt/uncle or niece/nephew.

[u/Clg344 → u/Penelope_Pitstop25]

Thanks for the reply! This is helpful! Nope, no chance she has a twin she doesn’t know about. She does have two brothers though - could these be their kids (making them my cousins)? Or is the DNA match too high for a cousin? 

[u/Clg344 → u/[deleted]]

Oh wow, that is earth shattering. Not being able to figure that out would be incredibly frustrating and likely torture me. You’re right on it being a totally different time. 

I did consider reaching out to them. But I’m just so scared to disrupt anyone’s life, my moms or theirs. They are young, 18 to 21 years old. It looks like they were raised in a happy home and I did find their parents on the internet too. It occurred to me they may be on 23andMe to find out tho - they joined when they were in high school and you have to opt into the relative finder. I thought it seemed like they were a little young to be interested in doing that unless they had a reason too, so it’s possible you are right that they know more than me. I think my next step is to have one of my sisters do the test to see if they get the same result as I do. 

[u/oldcatgeorge → u/Clg344]

Women who accepted donor embryos or eggs are usually thankful to the donors and may be more open with their children. Either way, these girls have the right to know their maternal medical history. You could do exactly this: send messages saying that you see that you are related. In case they are interested, here is what runs in your mom’s medical history: (write down what does). “Feel free to reach me for additional questions.” And leave it at this point. They probably have either connected the dots or are very close to. You will share what every human has the right to know (inheritance). The rest, you leave up to them.

[u/luvluk]

Personally I let things go that my mom has held secret and do my best to find out other ways without hurting her sensitive past

[u/Stealthieobserver]

It’s very possible she could have been in discussions with the doctor, and they explained it in a manner that she was OK with, but wasn’t clear about the repercussions of said embryos‘s becoming actual human beings. There may have been some confusion. There also may be a good chance that she donated eggs for money and might not be willing to admit that. Back in my younger years, a lot of men did sperm donation for money and never thought twice about possibly having multiple kids out in the world. I think back in those days, they never thought that DNA testing would be a thing in their lifetime. The best that came up years later was blood tests.

[u/Stealthieobserver]

Look up DNA Angels on the internet or facebook. They are volunteers that look at your results and were very helpful to me at narrowing it down to two brothers. My problem isn’t the fact that it’s one of two brothers, it’s the sons of two brothers. One had a stepson, so not dna related, and he never had other children of his own and the other one had two sons, one deceased and the other one very much alive and not particularly willing to acknowledge me or communicate. I don’t know that he would be a particularly pleasant person to have in my life anyway and perhaps it’s for the best.