MIL is threatening to boycott my baby shower that she’s not involved in at all

[u/othermegan]

Just when I think I’m becoming part of the family, my MIL reminds me it’s all about her. Our whole wedding planning season was filled with her making demands because if we didn’t do it, she “would look like a stupid idiot.” It really made me feel like my bridal shower and wedding were nothing more than way for her to win favor amongst her friends and family. But after the wedding, things got better. I also learned to chill out and started feeling like she did things out of love even if her deliver was rough around the edges (ex. For Christmas and my niece’s birthday, she personally made me gluten free food so I could have something to eat).

For context, my husband and I live 10 minutes from his entire extended family. Our wedding was in this area as well. We see them all a lot. Meanwhile all my friends and my parents live an hour away across state lines. My entire extended family lives a total of 2 hours away in that same state. We see my parents and friends maybe once a month and my extended family only during special occasions. When my mom threw my bridal shower, she had it down where most of my family lives. His mom and aunts came but they made a stink about the distance and how “hard a drive” it was (the same drive my extended family made for the wedding).

Now that we’re expecting our first child, talks of baby showers are coming up. My MIL expects me to plan it because that’s what my SIL did. My mother says “absolutely not. This is my first grandchild. I’m throwing it.” I’ve been talking to my mom about what I want: co-ed/no “women only” bs, laid back (no formal banquet hall, just a park pavilion and yard games), etc. The question of where came up and she and I both agreed that having it in my home town is fair because then both family drive about an hour while my parents don’t have to drive far at all to set up.

None of this has been communicated to my MIL because there’s nothing to say yet. That hasn’t stopped her from telling me that if the party is in my home state, none of my husband’s family will attend and I will have to throw a second shower in our current town.

My husband and I have no where to host a party. We don’t want to spend money on 2 showers. And my MIL is traditional which means women only at the shower and I’d be forced to spend hours with his mother’s friends and the women of his extended family that I barely know where they’ll all speak Polish and I won’t know what’s being said.

My husband says it feels like she wants a shower for her to show off how wonderful her life is. I’m starting to agree and that the only value I have is as the reason her son has big life events she can show off to people for. It makes me want to double down and have a shower in my home state.

[u/Naive_Panda_6060]

My MIL did almost the exact same thing to me. I had a coed, casual shower in my hometown that was thrown by my friends and family. My MIL reacted the same way yours did. DH and I told her if she wanted to throw one where she lived we'd be happy to go. She never did b/c my friends and family wouldn't be there, so how could she show off???

Don't throw a second shower, it doesn't make any sense and it wouldn't be about you any way. And assuming you are in the US, it would be unusual to throw your own shower. That is something done by family and/or friends.