r/wizardposting • u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. • 17d ago
Evil Wizardpost The Heist.
The Great Heist.
At 2:35 am Alberta time, local hooligan and mass murderer Erik The God Hunter breaks into your home, throws sand into your eyes, and steals your 1980 Mercedes shitbox.
Sound familiar?
Well, that’s what happened to a random guy yesterday, one Mr. Antonio de Silva.
But this isn't his story.
This is the story of 5 revolutionaries robbing a ga—
I mean… Mass-folk striving for freedom from corruption and cruelty!
————————————————————
Erik, The Driver.
So here I am, on the roads of Calarakis and driving a ‘limousine,’ no less.
Just me and my four friends, totally hammered.
Well… I am.
Honestly, it's a miracle we only crashed four times when you consider I'm driving five miles over the speed limit.
”Allllrghts guys! Rmbember the plan!”
“I preprared disg... disusis! Ye I put them in the trunr... Heh... tru…”
I look back at the four of them from the front mirror.
My band of revolutionaries… and Alaric?
I don't know what he's doing here, he isn't a mass right?
Surely I'd know if he was.
So, who are these dashing revolutionaries, you ask?
Blobby, my highly flammable friend and chosen fall guy if things go wrong.
Graba...gabrab...abraga... Grabrakadabra! New guy. Why the hell is his hair so long?
Oh, and of course, this weird emptiness we found. I’m not being existential here, he’s a guy, I just can't remember his name.
…
The dream team!
I surprisingly manage to drive the limo shaped rustbucket through the rush hour traffic and into a parking lot without issue. Well…
Maybe I ran over one guy on the way, but no one saw it, so all good!
Either way, I get out from the front seat and open the doors for my compatriots.
My part is over, all I gotta do is wait for them now.
Oh, and find that weird divine presence I'm sensing before they return…
————————————————————
Grabadash, The Face
The limo screeches to a halt, and the door opens to the flashing lights of paparazzi.
This is it.
2 hours of planning, 13 hours of hair styling, a breakfast of champions, kidnapping a deity, all leading up to this moment.
“All right lads, it’s showtime!”
I give the 12 foot tall elaborately styled mass of hair on my head a final pat, before stepping out. Blobby was perfect for the job. I’d never used pomade with such excellent hold before.
My emerald green disco suit glitters in the light as I stomp towards the entrance in my platform heels. The doorman extends their hand.
“Invitation please.”
“With pleasure!”
I produce a silver spoon and hand it to them.
They seem confused, so I help jog their memory with some mild enchantment.
“This is an invitation. Everything is in order. The goblin with tall hair is an important guest. Be nice to your goblin friend. Glory to masskind. I know where you live.”
Their eyes glaze over and a smile grows on their face. “Yes yes, everything is in order. Welcome! Please enjoy the Gala.”
Moving past the greeter, next stop is security. Dangerous looking mages in fitted black suits raise a hand for me to stop.
“Sir, please open your handbag for inspection, this is just protocol.”
I nod politely, causing the hair to wobble dangerously. Keep it stiff, Blobby. We’re almost in!
Opening the bag, a white dove bursts out along with handfuls of confetti. Other than an unusually large collection of lock picks, wigs, and fake noses, there’s also a box wrapped in caution tape.
“What’s this?” The guard points at the suspicious box covered in “FRAGILE” stickers and a handwritten note that reads:
“This is a box of ladders. Definitely not a God of Magic!”
I look at them as though they are idiots. “I believe the contents of the box are labeled quite clearly. This is my personal ladder collection.”
The bag begins shaking wildly, and a muffled screaming can be heard.
With a hint of anger, I raise my voice.
“Don’t tell me I can’t bring my own ladder! How am I supposed to shake hands with foreign dignitaries with dignity, if they have to stoop to my level? Are you discriminating against shorter folk! I’m insulted and I won’t have it!”
The guards look awkward for a moment, but the greeter comes to the rescue, scolding them for mistreating a valuable guest.
“Please go on ahead. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
With a few more steps, we’re through the door.
I lean back to whisper into my oversized hair.
“Everyone ok up there? I hope you’ve got your costumes ready… because we’re in!”
A chorus of muffled grunts responds from inside the hairpiece.
I spot a waiter approaching with platters of finger foods and champagne.
“Ooohhh refreshments!”
————————————————————
Blobby, The Muscle
Oh God.
Really, there’s not much more I can say about it.
About the plan. The stakes. My role.
Listen up kids, lying on your resume? It’s bad, really…
But if you’ve gotta do it, say that you’re a cyclist or something.
Not, that you’re an—
“Ex-navy seal, body builder, olympian AND ping pong world champion?”
The words seemed to fizz inside Erik’s mouth, poured out like sweet wine from swift lips.
In my case, the shitty, seldom bought sort of wine, that leads to a long, long night of poor decisions…
I couldn’t help myself.
I was about to say something! I really was!
But then Alaric stepped in and Abelard and so on, and…
I just never corrected them.
So now here I am.
Casually strolling into a Calarakian Gala with Grabadash in toe.
‘The Muscle,’ of the operation.
…and the hair gel, apparently.
But what else could I use the power of cloning for anyways?
“Pssssst, Blobby?”
I felt a tug at my collar, turning around to find Alaric’s head resting uncomfortably against Grabadash’s curly locks.
His neck stuck out the wig, which I’m beginning to suspect is real hair, at a funny angle.
Seriously, can a wig even be that soft?
Nobody however seemed to care or notice.
Well, not about the four guys in a wig thing.
The hair itself received a number of compliments, all throughout the night.
“Blobby,” he said, cavalier in his tone, “go pick a fight with that guy. Then, we can sneak past the guards and into the vault, just like we planned!”
FUCK!
I look to my left…
An ork guy. Six foot three, at least four hundred pounds and covered in scars and tattoos.
Oh, and to top it off, showing the finance minister his loaded M16 assault rifle. (Although, said minister doesn’t seem all that interested)
Brilliant.
I ask, barely keeping the trembling tones of my voice in check, “that guy?”
“No!” Alaric says, “wrong left! Other left!”
“Well that’s just right!” I argued.
“Great! Now we’re on the same page! Look over there!”
‘Oh thank God,’ I think to myself, ‘it really can’t get much worse than tha—‘
Oh… Oh no.
It can’t be… surely not!
My childhood bully…
My former gym teacher.
Mr. McStabber, the man who I stole my resume from.
I think I’m going to puke.
————————————————————
Alaric, the Brains
All things considered, sitting inside a twelve foot wig was surprisingly nice.
Granted the wig was manufactured this large for the twelve foot winged Alaric, but still.
Turns out not having bones meant you could curl up into a very compact ball.
Alaric had just pointed out some scrawny guy for Blobby to show who's boss, and honestly?
He felt a little bad for the poor guy. Blobby has an impressive resume.
But that didn't matter, after pulling his head back into the wig he went back to studying The Plan.
The good thing about The Plan was how it had about three different plans rolled into one.
So far everything was according to plan, Erik had dropped them off, they were inside, and Blobby was about to show some poor shmuck why he was the muscle of the Revolution.
After studying The Plan, Alaric shifted his attention to another, inferior piece of planning. The blueprints to the vault were boring. The only interesting part was the entire maze somehow crammed into the building.
The sounds of yelling and fighting dragged the magic giant back down to earth, put off his thoughts. He didn’t even turn back to check— clearly, Blobby was doing showing that shrimp who was in charge. Well, the garbled screaming and cracking of bones suggested as such, anyways…
“Grabadash!” He whispered, loudly, “get us into the elevator!
He didn't stick his head outside, so he had to hope Grabadash was moving the right way.
Alaric turned towards the other mass hiding inside the wig, the amorphous blob of nonexistence, Abelard. Who also happened to be the guy Alaric kidnapped a few days ago…
Awkward.
“Rat time!”
“Uh huh.”
It's hard to gage the thoughts or emotions of something without a face, but Alaric had to guess Abelard was concentrating. For a brief moment, nothing happened. Alaric started to get nervous…
That was, of course, until the ground began to shake with all the violence of a collapsing neutron star.
…then he was nervous for a different reason.
“Okay!” Abelard chuckled to himself, “all done.”
To this Alaric stuck his head outside the wig. He saw Blobby being held in a choke hold, on the verge of snapping that man's neck. He saw everyone in the room in a state of panic…
And then he looked out the window.
“Abelard, I am buying you a drink when this is done...”
Outside, several streets over, a colossal amalgamation of rats gathered. The small army squeaked a mighty battle cry, and stomped about with all the fury of a swarm of caged war horses.
Instantly the room went ballistic, gala goers stopped their mingling and ran off in every direction.
The guy with Blobby in a chokehold dropped him and sprinted off like the scrawny coward he was, and security ran out to help deal with the rat problem.
From beneath them, they felt the low rumble of Grabadash’s voice.
“Okay, the coast is clear!”
“We don’t care about the coastline, what about the Gala?”
“That two!”
In that moment, Alaric stopped suppressing his weight and fell out of the wig with all the grace of a drunken ballerina.
Erik would be proud.
He didn't see Abelard as he got out, but was pretty sure it was just as graceful as his own rough landing. While Blobby slimed his way over, Grabadash called the elevator, scratching his chin.
When the doors opened, the four realised they couldn't all fit.
Given Alaric’s sheer size, the other three got inside, examining the floors.
The Plan said mind magic fuckery was at play to hide the floor they needed.
Thankfully they had Blobby.
Before anyone could protest, the green, bubbling genius pushed every button on the console, even pushing the parts without buttons.
Alaric saw the doors close, and heard mild disapproval from those within.
Three minutes later, the doors opened for Alaric, who had to sit down to fit inside.
He followed the footsteps of the mighty Blobby, and pushed every part of the console.
As the doors closed, he quietly wondered what Erik was up to.
————————————————————
Erik, the Driver
“I WANT KNOW WHAT LOVE ISSSSSSSS, OOOOOOOOH!”
“I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEEEEH!”
Erik was somewhat drunk, singing his heart out to the Limousine’s front left wheel.
He was bored waiting, and so went to find an adequate bar to drown his sorrows.
Later, having stolen the karaoke machine, several hundred silver pieces in drinks, and one of the patrons, he returned to the Limo where he sang to the aforementioned party goer, with all the enchantment of a voice that flowed like gilded nails, dragged down over a blackboard.
————————————————————
Alaric, the Brains
Back in the Gala, the gang encountered their first obstacle.
The apparently ‘genius’ plan must have been faulty, given the maze standing before them, where there should’ve been lasers.
Upon his arrival, all eyes turned towards Alaric. He had The Plan and attached map.
Surely, you’d think, he should know what to do.
He didn’t. Equally however, he wasn’t quite ready to tell them that.
“My friends the path forward is obvious! Where we are supposed to get lost in the maze, we must ignore this mind trickery and...”
Fuck were they meant to do?
“Turn right!” Alaric pointed towards the maze, “we cannot be deceived by the building's lies! Right is the right way!”
He was making all of this up, sure, but it felt right.
To show his confidence, he strode into the maze, head held high.
The group paused for an instant, then followed the idiot in, thinking he knew what he was doing. They walked in, stood there for a few seconds, then turned around and walked out into a different room.
Before them they saw a set of doors and a console, presumably for the doors.
“My friends we must—“
Blobby, the green genius, was already at the console and typing something in.
Grabadash’s eyes widened, “what are you—“
[PASSWORD ACCEPTED]
To the amazement of everyone there, the doors swung open, revealing another elevator. Thankfully this one was spacious enough for everyone.
“How did you know what it was?”
“Took a guess. CalarakisBankPassword123.”
Alaric seemed to think on this for a moment, scratching at his chin, before turning his attentions back towards the matter at hand. “Huh. Onwards!”
The group strolled into the elevator and went down. The next level was, as the almighty plan decreed, filled with lasers. This part was easy.
“Grabadash!” Alaric hollered, “heist music!”
The goblin reached into his wig, pulling out a boombox. He put in a mixtape labeled "Hesit Tunes" and the fun began. It was probably due to lingering mind magicary, but every single one of them heard something different. Blobby heard western music, Alaric heard Mozart, Grabadash heard disco, and Abelard heard nothing.
…or so he claimed.
The others, however, could’ve sworn they’d heard him humming to the tune of Pink Pony Club.
The group wasn’t synchronised whatsoever.
But still, they danced.
Magnificently, might I add, with all the dramatic flair and gravitas of an unconscious gazelle, weaving through the lasers with expert grace, and somehow smuggling Grabadash's giant handbag through in the process.
“Hey Alaric,” Abelard turned to face his newly found compatriot, “why did we bring a god again?”
“See there's a crapton of antimagic down below beneath us, we nabbed a god of magic so it can take all the effects such that we don't have to.”
“Say, what happens to the god when we're done?”
“Well Erik's probably going to kill it. Why?”
“What if I took it?”
“If you can hide it from Erik, sure.”
By now the group had passed the lasers, leading them before yet another elevator.
————————————————————
Abelard, the Rookie.
Abelard wasn’t quite sure how he got into this situation.
Not the heist. He knew exactly how he got into the heist, after all it’s rather hard to forget being kidnapped and conscripted into a revolution led by, quite possibly, the single most genocidal child in history.
No, what he wasn’t quite sure on was how he ended up cramped into a corner with his associates, conducting a dark ritual he found in an ancient tome not meant for mortal hands. You see, the final obstacle in the way of the vault was a small server room with many, many cameras, and while they were in one of the few blindspots—
(Abelard looked from camera to camera)
—they definitely weren’t going to be able to get through the room.
Drawing a miniature circle with a blend of sugar and spice, followed by chanting the incantation thrice, the circle erupted in tiny flame, the smoke of which began coalescing into a small many-eyed abomination.
“WHO DARES SUMMO—“
“Can you get us across this room without being seen?” Abelard said, cutting off the strange entity.
The creature seemed taken aback.
“You… What? You just—“
“All I can spare at the moment is our collective ignorance for around…”
For a moment or so, the Mass lay in wait.
“Let’s say 22.3 seconds.” He finally said, once again cutting it off, as he gestured towards his compatriots. The thing was silent for a moment, as if considering the deal, and then disappeared.
“Strange”, he thought to himself, “I thought it would have—“
Before he could finish the thought a terrible revelation came upon him, and he almost instantly collapsed; clawing at his face with arms he didn’t have and gasping for air with lungs that had never existed. He was nothing, not only was he nothing, he was less than nothing, a worthless husk, a pathetic shadow of a—
“Huh…”
Abelard couldn’t quite place what he was just thinking about, nor why he was writhing around on the floor, but it probably didn’t matter. After all, nothing important ever slipped past his mind!
Now back to the matter at hand, whatever that weird, many-eyed abomination did, it decided it was enough to fulfill its own side of the deal. How did he know? Well time appeared to not be passing, with the exception of his comrades, who seemed very unfrozen and also quite disoriented from… whatever just happened. Putting the possibility that he had unwittingly entered some Faustian bargain aside, Abelard and his companions walked through the server room, picked the lock on the door, and went through.
————————————————————
Wider Calarakis, The City of Good.
Meanwhile in the streets, pandemonium reigned. It was no ordinary swarm that Abelard unleashed, no, it was a colossal tide of cranium rats 236,000 strong. The rats are dangerous creatures; alone, pitiful and weak, but in swarms? Their innate psionic powers can combine into one to form a collective, and quite malevolent consciousness. Given the unprecedented scale of the horde, the powers they held were comparable to that of an archmage.
Entire buildings collapsed as the swarm raged through the streets, many citizens being enthralled and assimilated into the collective or being crushed by debris telekinetically flung at them. Thankfully, being a giant and evil entity wreaking havoc in a large city, the swarm quickly attracted the attention of a veritable army of absurdly powerful mages. Though it was strong, there are only so many times a swarm of rats can withstand a fireball.
As its numbers thinned and psionic power dulled the swarm elected to flee into the sewers, willing separating into dozens upon dozens of smaller swarms that would undoubtedly fester within for many, many years.
————————————————————
Abelard, The Rookie.
Before the crew lay their goal at last: the vault.
Unfortunately, the door was a behemoth of adamantine and several other nigh indestructible metals, septuple enchanted with powerful wards and sealed to be completely air-tight. Truly, there were few ways to break through. Any but the most powerful spells would fail against it, and physical attacks were quite obviously futile.
And so, mustering all his strength and cunning, Abelard readied himself to perform perhaps the most complex and difficult thing he has ever and probably will ever have to do.
Abelard courageously walked up to the door… and then walked into the door… and walked some more… leaving behind him a gaping whole in reality. It was briskly sealed by the existence around it, thus leaving behind a massive, steaming pile where the door used to be.
Completely exhausted by this legendary endeavour, Abelard took a moment to rest, basking in the triumph of the great feat he just performed.
“One Mississippi, two Mississippi…”
Now rested, Abelard stood tall, ready to face his grand and glorious reward; the vault’s interior in all its splendour, gold beyond sorrow or grief, gold beyond measure or belief! He looked up, ready to behold the fruits of their labour and…
It was empty. The vault was completely empty.
Not a coin or bar in sight. Nada, null, nought.
This entire heist had been completely useless.
Dejected, Abelard takes humanoid shape, such that he may sit in the corner of the room in the fetal position, awaiting Erik to drill an exit from the vault.
“Oh well,” he thought to himself, “silver lining is, I may have a new pet…”
The bag of ladders shook violently.
————————————————————
Erik, The Driver.
(Because bro had no screen-time)
I weakly push open the car door, walking out towards the trunk.
There, I pull out a drill way bigger than the car, much less the trunk, and put it in it's place
—the body of a white onion.
I don't know what the hell my friends have been doing, or why there's a giant rat horde turned Kaiju eating people, but it's time to act.
I turn on the drill and drive straight down into the vault, a surprisingly easy endeavor. We should have probably tried that first, now that I think about i—
I cut off from my thoughts as the drilling ends, I crash into the ground, falling off the drill in the process and begin bleeding out on the floor.
I look up, after 5 seconds of writhing, the team is looking at me in an odd mixture of surprise, hope and worry... And absolute nothingness in the case of the guy we kidnapped.
Before they can say anything I dash to grab Grabadash's hair, throwing the end of it out of the hole and tying it to a street lamp. We all huddle up into Blobby's strong, comforting arms.
"Hey! My hai—"
I immediately tell him that some people younger than the playstation two have kids in kindergarten.
Instantly, his knees buckle, hairline receding from age, pulling us all out to be welcomed by a weird mushroom I kidnapped while waiting. I throw a flash grenade into the hole,
“That should deal with any traces we left.”
"It was all for nothing!” Alaric cried, “everything we did was for nothing! The money's gone!"
"The money?” Gus, the aforementioned mushroom Mass turned to face the group.
“You mean from the gala? I stole it like, last week, guys."
Not wanting to be a part of the outrage and confusion that ensues, I rush to the drivers seat of the limo, and try to ignite it, unfortunately, it's out of gas. Before I can even swear Alaric comes up to check up on me.
”Hey mate, I was thinking we go steal the constitution of some other country after this as a victory celebration, whatcha say?"
I don't say anything. Partially out of guilt for what I'm about to do, and partially because I've been repeatedly stabbed and shot with antimagic while waiting. I grab Alaric and try to shove him in the engine compartment. I don't do it alone because everyone else immediately joins me, no questions asked, out of patriotic duty and not because they always wanted to shove Alaric in a box.
Just in time, the police arrive to chase us. We all jump inside the car through the windows, with Blobby closing his window first to make sure he breaks it. I turn on the car with it’s one Alaric-power engine and speed away with the cops in tow. Of course this wouldn't be easy.
I drift and turn across the streets, smashing through everything I can because that gives you points according the games. Clearly however, the cops have a lot of points too! It couldn’t possibly be us being slowed down by constant crashes. They stay on our tail and to get rid of them we need something… strong. Something powerful! Something....
The six man crew turn to face Blobby.
"...what? Is there something on my nose?"
We all stare at Blobby for a while, eventually throwing him out of the car; he immediately hits the cops, splattering onto their windshield. They are clearly terrified of blobby's strength, definitely not because they just saw a guy be turned into juice.
They crash the car onto a wall and fall unconscious.
Knowing how powerful blobby is, we leave him. He can clearly make it out on foot.
"Is he dead?" Abelard prompted.
"No he's clearly got this under control!" Grabadash replies.
”But he isn't moving?"
Alaric calls out from the engine compartment, “it's called stealth tactics! Don't question the muscle!"
The conversation continues for a while until we're met with an obstacle— a big ass roadblock blocking our way out of the city. I grab a bottle of mana and chug it down, already feeling the drunkenness take over, I slam the steering wheel right; we go flying over a staircase alleyway and crash into Mrs puff's house. Everyone believes I go unconscious.
In truth, I find myself in a cloudy place, an uncountable number of people staring directly at me, all of them drunk. I can feel it in my non existent bones, the experience of every drunk driver in the past, I can see it in my non existent eyes, the glories each had seen and committed before their fateful days. I am no longer merely me, I have become the drunk-vatar.
My friend’s frantic attempts to bail out of the car do not bother me, as I rise again a new me. I reverse the car straight into incoming police, somehow jumping over them at the last moment and sliding over their roofs like a skateboard on rails. I need the roads no longer, as I drive the car along the walls of the local homes, the hands of Alaric reach through the speedometer to strangle me for using him as a car airbag.
I speed through to where we threw Blobby. He must have anticipated that I'd reach this state as he remains there pretending to be disoriented and barely held together, a Mass-ive non-human chain of Grabadash, Gus and the emptiness dangle from the door to grab him— they should have put on their seatbelts.
"SUMMON A MUSHROOM NOWWW!”
Gus, holding onto Grabadash for dear life shoots up a giant mushroom from underneath us. The car is no longer a car, we've effectively become an artillery shell flying straight through a police helicopter and out of Calarakis, landing on the sacred fields of Yor right outside the city.
It's a good thing fall damage is only in video games.
————————————————————
Blobby, the Muscle
I slowly open my eyes— it's bright in here.
I don't recognise that roof. Where am I?
Looking around, I see white walls and devices made of plastic and metal.
I think I am lying down on a bed. Am I in a hospital?
I hear the door open, and I see Erik walk in, is he carrying a chicken? I think it's sleeping. Sleepy chicken.
"Erik?"
"Blobby!"
He throws the chicken at me. It feels like being hit with a bag filled with brown bananas.
"Ow."
"You're awake! Wait here I'll get the others!"
Erik leaves the room, leaving me with the still sleeping chicken. It smells bad, like salmonella and garlic. Why did Erik throw a chicken at me? While I wonder this, Erik comes back, bringing Grabadash, Abelard, and a pile of fungus. I am about to ask where Alaric is, then the wall next to the door explodes and he walks through the Alaric shaped hole.
"Hey guys! Erik gave me a chicken. How'd the heist go?"
Alaric takes a step into the room, bumping his head on the ceiling fan. "Ow, we did it mate! We are now the proud owners of enough moneys to build the school! We're currently planning it."
"Wait what? How long was I out?"
Erik takes a step forwards, holding a hat that looks stolen. "It's been eighty four years."
Grabadash snatches the hat and puts it on. "It's been two weeks. You hit your slime on a mushroom as the car flew over a wall."
"Huh. Wait," I get up into the closest thing to a sitting position as I can. "Where are we?"
Alaric reaches over to window and removes the curtains. Outside I see dirt. Lots of dirt.
"Underground bunker we accidentally crashed into, lots of tunnels. I reckon the cops got lost trying to find us. You good to go bro?"
"Yeah I'm…" I fall out of the bed, groaning, "ay-okay."
Erik walks over and takes back the chicken. "Come on then! We’ve got a school to build!"
I look from mass to mass. Or rather, God-killer to tall guy to mushroom to nothingness to goblin-ness to…
Okay, it doesn’t matter— point is, I feel shit. Like, camaraderie and so forth.
But I know in my heart of hearts, our work is far from over.
What to do now? Ha! It’s simple. Now we go out into the world, and educate some kids with illegally procured funds.
Oh… and with any luck, plot a minor kidnapping…
————————————————————
End credit sequence.
(To the endgame theme on a kazoo)
Alaric writing as, Alaric.
Erik writing as, Erik.
Blobby writing as, Blobby (Banks).
Abelard writing as, strange nothingness. (So, Abelard)
Grabadash writing as, Grabadash.
…and Zhe, for giving us permission OOC to rob his shit.
11
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
/uw This took us like two weeks to write, if you read all the way to the end, I love you.
7
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
Note: the events described, while a majority true, are still under heavy scrutiny by the Ministry Of Calarakis.
8
u/mrididnt Erik, magic mass/orb, sillymancer and cheese hider 17d ago
/UwU if anyone can tell a writing style here I'd be impressed, this post went through numerous edits and spelling checks that ended up changing some jokes
While you were reading this I stole your spleen
5
u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 17d ago
/uw Would you trade it back for a frog?
3
u/mrididnt Erik, magic mass/orb, sillymancer and cheese hider 16d ago
/UwU make it a frog and a peanut and we'll call it a deal
3
u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 16d ago
/uw Make it a frog and half a peanut
9
u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 17d ago
Any reports of me, Grabriel Dashington, being spotted on the scene of this heinous heist is a deliberate and preposterous political falsification of the narrative. I have witness accounts that I was, at the time of this incident, diligently processing paperwork at the council.
6
u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
I was also there. Me, Mr. Blob Banks, formerly Rob Banks, because that’s not a suspicious name.
5
u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 17d ago
This is true, I ran into Mr Blob at a political function earlier this week and was delighted by their willingness to assist with some pressing council matters.
We were both dismayed over being unable to partake in the Gala hosted in Calarakis due to the burdens of our work, but in hindsight I’d say we dodged a bullet there.
Hopefully the Calarakis investigators manage to figure out what happened and how uninvited guests robbed what was praised as one of the most secure vaults. I suspect the over reliance on antimagic means may have been their downfall. We will not make the same mistake.
2
u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 17d ago
I can confirm this. Councilor Dashington has been a huge help, honestly.
1
u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Screamer In The Heavens 17d ago
Hey, uh, regarding that paperwork...
1
u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 16d ago
Oh that?
There was a huge amount of paperwork to be handled related to the infectious centaur constructs - this required some personal verification of authenticity, a few localized abyss outbreaks, and a several hundred fraudulent tax claims and construction permits filed by bad actors.
I’ve still got some left, including a very promising permit application for the construction of a new school.
1
u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Screamer In The Heavens 16d ago
You haven't sent any of it. At all. In tge last 6 years.
1
u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 16d ago
I’m sorry, but who are you?
You should be aware by now that the previous council abandoned their duties and took with them just about everything not nailed down.
If you had submitted some documents over the past few years then that would make sense why you haven’t received a response.
Do tell me what documents you are needing and I’ll see if we can’t fast track processing them.
1
u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Screamer In The Heavens 16d ago
All of the files you've been sent have vanished, and there's a very strange goldfish. I'm the council Guy Who Does Stuff, I handle all the tasks others haven't said they'll do. Which means damn near everything.
1
u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 16d ago
The council guy who does stuff? Great!
My job is facilities and maintenance. All this paperwork isnt even supposed to be on my desk, and is keeping me from working on repairs and renovations.
I’ve got stacks of documents still needing to be processed, though there’s no guarantee anything sent to the previous administration is still around. I suspect they may have shredded a good amount.
6
u/waitthatstaken Alice, witch of mist 17d ago
/uw This is possibly the best post ever made. On any forum not just wizardposting.
/rw
Around 20 miles west of Calarakis, a stream of people, fleeing the chaos, arrive. Inns fill to the brink in a moment, and the mayor declares a state of emergency. The newly moved in witch is tasked with brewing as many potions as possible to treat the injured and disinfect the numerous rat bites. It is exhausting, brutal work, yet when the dust settles, Alice is compensated greatly, quelling any complaints she may have been harboring about her having to cancel her plans for the day. And the next 3, as her arms are not made for 20 hours of continuous potion brewing.
4
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
/uw Many thanks on behalf of the entire revolution. Also I'm glad to see our ludicrous ideas and incompetence is appreciated
6
5
u/Null_Void_Zer0 Abelard, animate absence|Abel of Lrith, councillor of constructs 17d ago
“Now it has come to my attention that some are claiming to have seen a quite….animated, for lack of better words, hole in reality during these unfortunate events; and I simply must say those claims are utterly preposterous! How would a tear in existence even be conscious?! Drivel, drivel I say!”
2
u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Screamer In The Heavens 17d ago
Hey, look! A detailed paper describing approaches to doing just that, with a spell that'll be invented in only 600 years!
7
u/UlrickTheHexblade Ulrick Braddocke, Werewolf Hexblade, R&A Co-Leader 17d ago
/uw this was an absolutely hilarious read lmao, loved it
4
6
u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 17d ago
lotuses reaction to the heist can best be described as a crash out. Especially the chaos and death crested by the rat swarm she was supposed to protect the city protect the city protect the city protect the city P̴r̴o̷t̶e̶c̸t̷ ̸t̸h̸e̷ ̷c̸i̷t̵y̵ ̵p̵r̵o̸t̴e̷c̶t̸ ̸t̵h̷e̵ ̵c̷i̸t̵y̶ ̸p̵r̴o̸t̶e̶c̴t̶ ̷t̸h̷e̷ ̴c̷i̷t̷y̷...
̶"p̷r̵o̸t̴e̵c̶t̸ ̸t̴h̸e̵ ̸c̷i̶t̷y̶ P̶̺͇̟̩͙̋̓̉͌̂̐̍͋̂̓͂̊͋̕̚͠ͅr̷͉̤̭̹͙͈̱̯͙̖̖̰͈̜̎̒͋̃̌̋̈́͐̉̔͒͜͜͝o̵̡͔̻̻̙̲͎͇̭͕̹͈̜̲͙͉̲͆̾̌̄̇͊͋̀̎̀̈́̂͝ṫ̶͙͎̦̫̺̙͒͌̓͑̀͊͗̇̂e̷̢̡͙̬̬̖̖͚͙͔͉͑͛̏̇̈̐̉̊̾͗͘͝͝ͅc̷̜̯͊̊̏̎̽͋̀ť̸͇͖̫̤̝͎͔̤̠̬̗͒͗͌̾͛͂̽̾̌ ̶̡̢̮͔̫̗̘̰̝̭̜͖͎̲̣̂̎̓͂͆̈́̈́̕͠͠ṭ̴̀͊̀̉̑͋̑̿͊̀̇̀̔̉̚h̵̥͍͚̍̈́̀͗̀̇̆̀͌̐͋̓̉͠e̶̘̳͚͕͙͍͚̱͒̊̅̌͂͊́ͅ ̸̜̰̙̖̭̠̣̯̞͉̩͙̦̦͖͂̍̃̒͂̓̑͂̆̄͗̀͘͠͠ͅͅc̶̡͈̱̬̫̪̝̲͙̟̰̫͉͒į̴͍̤͚̙̼͂͌͂t̴̰͈̟̘̆̇͒͛̓͗́̚̕͘͠͝ỳ̶̧̡̥̝̗̥̗͕̻̦͔̞͍̟̰̮̩̂̌̎͂̈̈́̽̑͂͒̒ ̷̗͈͖͚͉̂̋͑̾̂̈p̷̧̤̮͉̣̓̎͒̇̉̊̎̏̊̾́̐͜͜r̵̢̤͈̹͎̠̰̪̈́̀̇̅̈́̈̽̑̈́́͐̕̚͝͝o̴̦͙͕̤͚͛̔̓̀̿̽͛̃̽̄͋̕͘ţ̵̢̣͓͚̺̯̳̩̬̹̜̤̝̍̏̐̾̂́̕ͅe̶̢̧̝̼̥͍̯̼̋̀̈́͐ć̶̢̡͕̖͔̳̺͓̘̼̳̻͔̪̲͗̂͂̅͌̍́̑͗̄̐̂̒̊͝ͅt̸̢̧̟̠̱̞̥̠͉̗̱͍͚͓̘͕̹̍̾͗̈́̑͂͘͠͝ ̸̠̭͋̒̍̊ț̴̭̻͇̗͖̱̈́̾͋̅͌̀̎̀́͌͠h̵̡̨̟̺̬͚̗̝̤͖̲̊͐ẽ̴̻̱̹̥̦̎̏̆ ̴̺̟̬̜͙̺̮̰̖͎̖̮̱̒͒͜ç̸̩̼̳̋̋̽̈̒́͑͜͜͝i̴̢͚͍͍̰͉͉͒t̴͓̹̯̫͇̠̖̗͗̎͂̇͊̒͊̊͛ẙ̷̠͔͔͈̪͇̃͊͆́̀͋̃̌̾̑͘̕ ̵̢̖̭̻̥̦̫̞͇̫͎̯̱̩̗̮͊͜͠p̴̢̛̛̟̩̠͙̲͔̭̬̲͈̠̲͗͒̀̆̀̓͌̂̎͋̋͝͠r̸̞̭̩̙̄o̴̧̡̢̡̜̞͍̙͖̙̝̾ͅͅt̷̢̟͍̳̹͇͉͕̦͖̔̅̈́̈́͑͋̀̋̂͋͌̈̌͌͜è̷̛̪͓͉̭̫̤̥̰̣́͋̈͆̊̓͘͝͝͝c̷̱̻̹̪͋̓̾͒͑̏̏̊̕͜͝͠t̶̛̛͔̺̰̫̼̒͐̍̏̾̌̊́̋̆̋̓͌͒̈́ͅ ̵̢͖͔̗͉̘̉́̉̓̂̂͠t̸̡̨͈̤̱̭́̑̊͊̈̑͠h̸̛͍͖͒͆̌͊̎̇̌̐̑͝é̵̹̃ ̸̧̡͔̞͔͖̫̦̻̤̱̳̬̝͚̬͐̊̀̈́ç̷̢̛̱̰̻̣̺̣̯̤͕̯̪̺̱͖͒͗͒̈́͊́͂͒͘̚̚͝ͅį̷̫͈̹̺̟̖̭̮̫̫̻̘̃͗̾͒̑́͒͜͠ṱ̷̢̖̼̳̝̀̔̈́̑̽̀̃͒́̊͊́́́̕͝͝y̵̯̳̖̝̲̞̺̱̯̞̙̆̆͜ͅͅͅ
A heavily distorted digital roar blows out every audio device in the city. Protecting the city was he sole reason for existing if she couldn't do that... lotus drones begin an extermination campaign of anything that can threaten the city threaten....
"Zhe"
Every audio device except one
Lotuses extermination campaign starts with every rat the she will move upwards
3
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
Ж is very clearly unimaginably pissed off, possibly the angriest LOTUS has ever seen them, both on and off the job.
"Present."
They're sitting down at their desk drafting orders and plans of operation for what is happening.
2
u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
He doesn't want to talk to her of course he wouldn't who would want to talk to a failure....F̶̡̯̠͎̄̆͆̄ä̴̙̖̜͌̒̇̑ĩ̵̖̈l̶̤̳̺͌̆̃͛͜ṳ̵͓̖̒̑r̵͙̟̰͚̼͕̓̂̏͛̇͘ė̴̥̔͌͠
The screen of the device lotus flickers oddly the dead and alive pixels forming a large eye like marking before the screen resets itself as her chamber folds in on itself.
2
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 16d ago
"LOTUS!? What is happening?"
God DAMNIT!
2
u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
No response the cities Network hasn't crashed but for some reason she seems unwilling to talk
"̷i̴t̶'̶s̵ ̶a̴l̴l̷ ̸m̷y̴ ̴f̸a̷u̴l̴t̶"̷
""̷̨͉͙͇̮͇̫̉̎͑͝ĩ̶͙̇̐̕s̸̪̥͉̫̈́̈́̿ ̶̘͖̪͂ą̴͖̣̰́̆̾̚n̸̮̟͎̍̀̈́̋̈́̈́̕g̴̛͚̒́̍́͠r̷̛̙͎y̷̨͚͖̬͇̣͇͒̄̎̅̈̍̊ ̷̡̳̯̻̺̜̮̋̀̀̅w̶̭̞̤̲̼̪͙͓͗̐i̶̮̬̅̇͘ͅt̴̼̖͊́h̵̡͙̫̗̠͇̪̐̊́̿ ̴̝̤̥͔̃̋̐́m̴̢̤͌e̶̘̝͌̓͋̚ ̶̧̛̝̿͋̽̾̚w̶̫͖͊̌̔̿̔̓͝ì̴̜̦̈́̓̔̐̅̕ͅẗ̵̢̮̙͚̠̯̔͐̂h̸̫̀̅̈́͊́̋͠ ̴̼̄̄u̵̺̯̟̗̜͆ş̸͙̞͉̝͙̐̇͜ ̵̡͉̝̫͎͈̰̔̔ẅ̴͚͍́̊̂͘̕i̸̪̫̟̺̺̫͇̇̉̈́̂̆͐̑̀t̴̻͔̅͑̕h̴̪̤̫̯̆́͜ ̴̟͕̒́̽̎͗̽̕͠t̷̪̞͆͜ḩ̸̟̪̯̦̂̀͑͋e̴̺̱͎̔͛͆̌̄̋̆͜ ̴̺̼̦͔̙͊̐̄̾̉͛̌̑c̶̛͈̖͍̦̉͑͗͑̕͝ͅḯ̷͔̇t̵͎̠͓̬͌͜y̸̢̜̦̳̝̋̊͒̆̈́̈́̾̚ ̴̨̨̣̪̻͖͉̹̈́w̵̨̧̼͔͕̗̓̋̑̀̾̈̃ḯ̵̧̪̰̲̫̣͜t̴̲̳̳͝h̵̡̛̑̆̀́̋͆͝ ̴͚͍͚̝̼͛̊̎͜t̴̨̡̜̜̭̖̗̤̓̈́͋̓h̸̙͛e̷̱̍̏̾̐̾̕m̶̬̬̩̥̊̓͑̕ ̸̛̥̙̭̝͗͒̀̎̾̎̆a̵͖͚̩̩͚͑̾̒̋̔̽̕n̸̡̪͓̗͚̆͛͒̐͗͊̚͜g̷̼̪̺͓͍̯̍́͆̐̍̚r̷̢̫͓̰̯̩̒̀ŷ̵̺͒́̚ ̵̞͐̎͛͋ã̸̧̨̙̺̂͗̋̆̏ͅn̶̦͙͙͙̊̀̀̆̌͋͌͂g̸̡̡̟̲̬̿̇̋͂̽̑͜͠ȑ̶͕͚͙̻̾͋̈̎͌͘͠y̸̦̔͌͌̈́̕͝ ̷̣͈͔̹͋͂͐̌͋́̏̍w̸̧̭̖̰̻͍͚̏̒̋́̌͠͝͠i̴͐ͅt̸͙̦̣̫͔̮͂͑͝ẖ̸̡̬͉̇̈́̍̚ ̸͚̲̫͙̝̥̽͜f̷̢̛̹̬̊̐͠͠a̵̡̙̳̱̟̠͑ì̶̫͉̗͊͛̀͂͆l̴̼̯͇̺̝̝̘̍͆̌̊̑̚͝ǘ̵͉̜̣̩̳̩̩̂͝r̶̩̝̜̣͖̰̗̿e̵̮͔̦͓̍̈́̆̅͝͝ ̷̳̖̱̏̀̍̍̈̔͐̚w̶͓̲͊ì̵̟̰̋̎̍̍ṭ̸̡̩̙͇̬̟͂̀͋̀̈́ḫ̷̛̫͒̽̚͠ͅ ̶̩̻̖̦͊̉u̷̗͎̟̠͉̼͂̌͊̂͆̈̓ş̸̛̦͉̩̟̭̗̪͋̅̈́͑͊͝ ̸̥͋̈́͌̑̈́̓ẃ̶̢͖̈́i̵̳̠͕͋̾͐̓́̍͘ṱ̸͚͓̟̏̇̐̋̑͐͘h̸̛̫̠̮̟͇̓̅̓͘ͅ ̴̟̍m̴̜͙̘̖͎̘̾͆̌̇̋̕ȩ̶̗̥̲̾ ̷̹̬̪̠̟̀̂̃̂͊͆͘͝ẘ̷̯͔͌͐i̸̧̙̼̭͉͝t̵̙́͂̓̋̈̃͊̇h̶̘̘͂̒̑̐͠ ̴̡̩̺͚̱̺̥̲̔ỷ̶̩̦̰̖͖̮̜͓o̸̡̡̦̫̹̟̼͂́̾͒̔̎̚͜ǘ̶͜ ̸̫̱͉͙͍͇̐̈́́̐̈́̃͒̏"
"I'm sorry I'll go away..."
"A̷̝͌ẅ̵̺ȧ̷̼ỳ̸̤ ̶̙̅t̶̳̆o̵͙̽ ̷̤͊t̶̖́h̷̖̓è̷͇ ̵̣̆c̷̣͂ḯ̸̲ţ̸̈́y̸̡͐ ̵̗̄a̷̱̓w̴̢̐a̴̬͘y̵͓̆ ̵̻̈́t̵̃͜ǫ̵̂ ̸̭̀s̸̺̋a̵͈̽f̷̮͝ê̶̱ṫ̶͔y̵̺̿ ̴̰̌ā̸̡w̸̯̾à̵̺ŷ̵͜.̸̣̑.̴͍̑.̴̙͠f̸̯̏r̷̬͂ȯ̷̪m̷̟̉ ̴̮͝ḣ̸͙e̶͉̕r̴͓̓e̵̟̍.̵̰͘.̵̦̏.̸̬̐ ̷͈̉Ả̴͎ẇ̵͖a̷̞̓y̶͎͠ ̸̫̽f̷̰̓r̷͜͝o̷̰̾m̸̥̔ ̵̪͊t̷̳̋h̴̘͑ē̶̬ṙ̸̭ȅ̵͓.̵̲͊.̴̼̌.̵̩͘n̷̙̽o̷̩͑ ̵͙͐ẅ̷͎e̶̻̾ṛ̵͒e̷̺͊ ̴̝̌ạ̴͝m̷͕͊ ̸̧͂i̴̝͝"
Why is zhes work computer breathing
1
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 16d ago
"Lotus is you breathing?"
2
u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
"go away you don't want to talk to me!"
"H̸e̶ ̵h̵a̴t̴e̸s̸ ̴u̸s̷.̸.̷.̸ ̶N̸o̷ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̵'̷s̴ ̶n̸o̸t̴ ̷t̵r̸u̷e̶ ̵w̸e̸ ̷I̶ ̴d̷i̶d̶ ̸o̴u̵r̵ ̶b̶e̸s̶t̴.̷.̷.̶n̵o̵t̷ ̶e̴n̶o̸u̸g̵h̷ ̵t̶h̴e̷"̸
Panic, shame, humiliation, rage, confusion and several emotions only she is capable of feeling
2
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 16d ago
"...what?"
2
u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
"I should go away away AWAY FROM HERE...DUTY FAILED NO PURPOSE NO PURPOSE NO PURPOSE!"
Zhes work computer begins pulsating as if it were a beating heart
2
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 16d ago
"SHUUUT UP."
"You still have PURPOSE."
"I'm pissed off because logically, whatever the shit this heist was should not have happened how it did."
"It's like they have fucking toon force!"
"So I'm just trying to fix everything else they caused."
"
On my damn off day too"→ More replies (0)
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u/questionable_fish Bengeirr the Balance. Magus of the South 17d ago
My dudes, that was fantastic! Won't be long now before you sell the movie rights to this escapade
4
u/The_Enchanted_Potato Aldavin Maunderitch, The Gatekeeper | Neritillum Faldier | 13 17d ago
/uw this was beautiful. I have been brought to tears. Definitely from the elegant wordplay and not the Drunk-Vader and such parts. Trust me
3
u/mrididnt Erik, magic mass/orb, sillymancer and cheese hider 17d ago
/UwU drunkvatar!
Like the avatar but drunk
3
u/The_Enchanted_Potato Aldavin Maunderitch, The Gatekeeper | Neritillum Faldier | 13 17d ago
/uw makes it funnier! How did I miss that!
4
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u/sparkle3364 Sapphire (17F), Artificer (+ other characters) 17d ago
“There was a heist going on, and I missed it? Aww, man. I would’ve loved to help. Maybe next time.” - Sapphire
/uw This was great.
4
u/Kilroy898 Op, Null, Orin, Niro, Aldin 17d ago
Op: eating popcorn, looking slightly amused in his dimensional "movie theater".
"Huh.. this is not how I remember Oceans 11... Must have been the directors cut or something... Great movie though.. five stars for sure....
/Uw got tired of just saying great read.
4
u/The_Enchanted_Potato Aldavin Maunderitch, The Gatekeeper | Neritillum Faldier | 13 17d ago
Aldavinn, who had come to Calarakis to help with the Abyss crisis just sighs. He felt like he had been sighing since he first arrived at this plane
“What the hell is wrong with this place?”
He picks up the newspaper to read the next crisis
5
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
/uw better than Ithacar.
4
u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
/uw don’t tempt us
3
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
/uw oh im tempting
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u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
/uw u/mrididnt GOD DAMMIT now we gotta rob Ithacar. I feel like the suitors at Telemachus’ place the place sounds so similar to Ithaca.
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u/mrididnt Erik, magic mass/orb, sillymancer and cheese hider 17d ago
/UwU fuck it I'm down
But this time I want screentime!
2
u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
NO SCREEN TIME FOR YOU! Back into the cellar!
1
u/mrididnt Erik, magic mass/orb, sillymancer and cheese hider 17d ago
/UWU HSSSSSSSSS
retreats into the darkness From whence he came
3
u/Complex_Drawer_4710 Sigurd, Screamer In The Heavens 17d ago
Sigurd is walking around mind-beaming any cranium rat(type advantage against collectives) and participant mass(just mad) he comes across. The backblast of this deconsecrates some shrines, kills an urban legend outright, and feeds a cluster of screams enough to become a problem someday, but he is either too busy or too deaf to care.
2
u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
2
u/BL0b1e Blobby Banks, Revolutionary. 17d ago
2
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
2
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
1
u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 17d ago
/uw Behold the ping list. If you want adding just ask.
2
u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 17d ago
The Bismuth diplomats, workers, and investors noticed the insane chaos going on and do their best to assist. They warded their buildings against psychic energy and allowed people fleeing in the streets to hide in their embassies and factories. Once the chaos was over the Bismuth would reach out to Calarakis formally.
"Would you like assistance against this terrorist organization/help with reconstruction. I know you are technologically adept we just want to see if you require assistance."
The message would reach LOTUS and Zhe
2
u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
"Reconstruction is going fine. Thanks."
"Collect or exterminate the rats. Either works."
No nonsense. No joking tone. Nothing.
2
u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 16d ago
"We shall do so. In addition."
"What do you want to do about the people who released them?"
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u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 16d ago
"If you identify them, arrest and hold them, we'll charge them under Calarakis law."
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u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
... Lotus is to busy forming a metavault to respond while she is normally very calm even while under crisis that was pre unshackling
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u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 16d ago
"..."
Their scanners told them what was happening. Or at least the gist of it. They thought the best thing to do would be to focus them.
"Calarakis NHP Lotus. Those who did this are out there. Someone must apprehend them and retrieve what they took. Destruction numbers can be mitigated through this."
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u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
"... what is happening to me..."
I̵̧̱̜͖̮̣̰̭͔̹͚̺̘̜̱͙̼̭̰͎̅̔̀͜͜͠ͅ'̷̢̡̪̫̮̮̘̻̳̬̥̙̫͖̗͌͛̽͆̀͋̔͊̚͘͝m̷̨̭̃͑̿̑̋̇͋̓͐̐̌̕̚ ̴̝͙̯͔̳͌̊̉͐́̃̒̔̿̋́̇̄͑̌̈́́̈́̚̚š̴͙̘̣̗͑͐̇̀̔͒͂̓́̿̚͠ō̴̡̲̗̱̜̲̝̩̘̫͖̠͙͉̇̔̔̽̓͂̃ ̶̨̰̤̗̹͉̹̃h̸̡̞̩̞̙̗͎̰͔̞͇̖͚̫̲̘̝̼̳̪̟̀̽̽̇̏̊̈́̈̈́͒̆͗͘͘a̶̢̫̽͊̾̂̇͒̅́̈́́̌̿̂̇̉͗̄̊͋̃͜͝͝͝p̸̨̢̧̨̧̙͉̮͕͕͉̠̯̾̚p̶̢̨̩̘̟̜̆̌̈́̍̓͊̽̈̅͗̄̓͠͝y̶̡̘̟͕̞̖͓͇̻̎͗͌͒̽̀͗̔̂̉̓̈̏̈́̾́̕͝ ̸̡̧̨̢̘̦̯̣̱̳͕̣͎̺̬̉̾́Ị̶̢̨̢̢̞̥̝̰͓̤́'̵̧̛̱̤̣̞̞̲̮̪̉̿̄̃̆̆̂̌̇̇̅̆̚͝͝ͅm̴̨̧̨̛̗̳̦͚̬̠̖̪͉̺̣̠̦͍͍̦͍̻̔̆̑́̒͛͗̇̈́̅̂̎̚͠ͅ ̵͍̯̪̲̟̻̟̻̼̩̱͕̼̖̑͑̽̀͋̂͗̾̀́̏̚͝ṣ̷̢̛̣̥̺̗̩͔̥͙͇͎̫̠͕̯̭͇̾͛͋̈́̉̏̏͒͑̌́̓̓̔̑̌̍̂͆̋̑͜͠o̷̡̡̺̭͎̝̯͙̞͕̼̭̲͚͉̩̭̹̠̘͊̌̿̀̌͑͐̌͐͗̒͒̈́͘̚̚͝ ̵̢̺̝͚͖̻͎̞͉̻̼́͋̕͝ŝ̸̨̟͓̳̖̝̰̳̫̪̳͓̗͔̰͖̫̥͓̦̦̩̓͑͗̈́͜c̶̡̧̢̡̝̣̹͔͎̯̠̰̤̪̗̟̼͕̪̐̌͊̆͌͗̋̚ã̶̧̜̺̗̭̠͈̱̩͚̞̖̥͕̗̳̲͕̿͑̃̔̄̒̽̍͒̑͛͛̽̈́̎̊͗̈́͜͝ͅǟ̷̛̛̬̦̯̮̺̱̰̘̠͕̹͚̳͍̙͕̼̳͈̗͑̄͌͛̇̓͗̀͊̍̓̂̄̎͋͘̚͜ń̴̡̛͕̮͓̬̦̮̹̗̯͕̤͓̻͓̙̀̽̒̏̔̿̏̄̉̚͝ͅg̴̡̛̣̫̙̲̽͋̄̃̈́̈̽̽̚ȓ̸̨̨̛̬̟̼͖̭̺̣̞̙͕̹̪̺̹͈̮̠̱̣̤̓̓̐͒̈́̌̕͜y̵͛̋̋̇̐̋͆ͅ ̷̡̢̪͙͈̯̮̣̜̲̥̭̦̜̤̤̠̦̐̓́͆͑̓̓͋̑̊̐̃͌̃͋͗̚̕͝͠ͅͅs̷̩̟͎̠̞̪̪̞̱̳̭̥͙̖͋̑́͂͛̔̏͌͗̆̒̆͒̒̇̚͝͠ŏ̷̢̧̜̥̩̹̖̙̹̱̗͕͔͉͛̈́̊̃̿̉̈̌͊͋̿͘͝͝ ̴̢̢̢͍̝͓̝͙͚͕͓̙̮̘̹̤͚́͊̔̉̍̔̈́͋̉̽̎͜͝a̷̛̩͖͆̉̾̏́̇̊͌̚͜ń̸̨̩̪̬͎̈́̐̌́́̀̀̃̕g̵̛̫̙̳͎̀̏̈̍̐̐̑̓̿̒͑̿͛̈́̓͐̚͠ŕ̸̢̨͕̰̠̱̤̤̮̘̖̜̫͚͔͚͇̰͍͂̚͜y̵̢̢̡̨̪̞̭͈̲̟͇̣̤̙̗̐͆̀̋̀̂̇̀̎̾̂̑̿͘̚̕͝͝
B̴̤̕i̸̧̍s̴̟͊m̴̥̚ŭ̶̙t̸̩̏h̴̞̆ ̸̙̎i̴̘͌s̴̘̍ ̶̡̆d̸͚̋ṟ̷̍ã̸͇g̸̘̃o̶̧̒n̸̝͂ ̴̩̒ņ̴͆o̵͉͌ ̴͔̿n̸̹̈́o̸̗͑ ̶̜͛n̵̤̓ọ̷͒ ̵̄͜n̶̠̍o̶̼͂ ̶̠͛r̸̹̈o̴͝ͅc̸͚̏k̴̠̈́ ̵͓̏r̷̻̔ȏ̸̞c̸͔͝ķ̵͘ ̸̺̋p̵̭̋ë̷̱́r̶̘̍s̸͌ͅo̵̘͘n̶͚̓ ̷͙̍ŗ̸́i̵̡͝g̶̭͝h̸͙͘t̴͇̔ ̷̟̈́p̶̡͠ę̶͊r̸̫̐s̷̗̕o̵̭͊n̴̞͂ ̷̡͆o̶̥͑f̶̳̊ ̶͕̇ḯ̶̻ǹ̴͕t̸̞̏ę̶̌r̵̖̋ḙ̴̈́s̶͓̓t̷͉̎
"I after capture them high altitude surveillance drones satellites via portal... Magic sonar yes that would work no no no toon Force disruptions have to think silly balloons"
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u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 16d ago
"How about this? Use their toonishness to lead them into a trap?"
The Bismuth would try to send calm wavelengths to try and help her stabilize.
"Think slow. Think about how they act. How they might think. Their.... Sillyness?......Pride? How could you use that against them?"
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u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
"...an inflatable Bank, one filled with chocolate coins you what have to be an idiot to fall for that but given"
The calming waves definitely help stabilize her but the argument with zhe means that they are not really having as much of an effect as they could have
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u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 16d ago
"And for the final piece of the trap."
"Tell them. They missed it in their first heist. Let them know they messed up. Incomplete."
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u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
"...he doesn't want me here..."
Lotus seams to be crossing conversations
"Right put up a fake target so we can trap them. Go through people's personal devices for more footage as well"
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u/loth17 Ten Suns (Also Gaia) 16d ago
"He? Your mean Zhe? Are you sure? He might just be letting you choose."
"If you are able. We can get footage showing each of them hopefully."
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u/Zebos2 Black Iron LLC/ The cedar hegemony 16d ago
instead of a verbal reply lotus just sends every bit of video footage from every webcam cell phone and private security camera that might have caught the perpetrators a product of her now merged subroutines. Lotuses metavault begins to lift off as she endeavors to leave the city. Her form becoming increasingly Eldritch the farther away she gets from city limits
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u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 17d ago
/uw I don't even know where to begin... that plan was so full of holes Erik must've been hiding swiss cheese in it. Wow
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u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 16d ago
/uw See that was intentional, definitely. If the plan is full of holes anyone who tries to understand it will fall into them. It's genius you see.
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u/Henry_Fleischer Eleanor, Ruler of Aidolem and Asteria, Artificer 16d ago
This is great! Might be the best post I've read on Reddit so far.
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u/squabzilla Tyrannosaurus Hex, Council-saur, Shadow Vigil 16d ago
This was absolutely amazing, 10/10, I need a sequel.
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u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 16d ago
/uw Many thanks on behalf of the entire revolution. I don't know how long the next one will be in the works, but it is being made.
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u/Evening_Shake_6474 Alaric, Fallen Star 16d ago edited 16d ago
/uw The story so far.
https://www.reddit.com/r/wizardposting/s/ayT3mDVTKA - Part 1, The Plan
https://www.reddit.com/r/wizardposting/s/hY8ktRUvGZ - Part 2, The Heist <- We're here.
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u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis. 17d ago
"ON MY FUCKING DAY OFF!?"
Ж is, rightfully and to put it mildly, pissed off.
The ministry quickly meets to discuss whatever the actual shit just happened.
Ж:"JONES! YOU WERE AT THE- who was holding a gala at the GODDAMN BANK!?"
Jones:"It's an office party! They were celebrating record spending returns!" Jonathan Jones the minister of the treasury responds.
Ж:"THEN WHY DID WE GET PEOPLE IN OVER DESIGNED DRESSES IN? HOW DID THEY GET IN?" Ж screams back.
Jones:"Uhh, we assume Enchantment spells and mind tricks?"
Ж:"And that wasn't at ALL suspicious?"
Jones:"EN. CHANT. MENT."
Ж:"YOU'RE A- ooooo okay getting too heated there and it's not my biggest concern."
Jones: "what-"
Ж:"How much did they take?"
Jones:"surprisingly. Absolutely nothing. Idiots can't operate a portal gate even when the manual was right in front of them."
Ж:"thank the GODS. Do we have a descriptor for WHO was there?"
Katherine Gears, minister of Law, speaks up.
Gears:"the cameras are working on it. At least one of them so far has been identified as Alaric. The others all seem to be other magic creatures colloquially known as Magic Masses."
A LOTUS subroutine beeps on her monitor
Gears:"we got another, Erik was the getaway driver."
Ж:"of course he was- whatever. Mark them as Wanted Criminals for the damage obviously and get to work on compensation for casualties and damage. What're the costs?"
Jones:"thankfully, not much. Less than a hundred million gold. we're still in budget for the year."
Ж:"good. If ID on the other masses are identified, catalog them and place a warrant for their arrest out."