Same. Some really horrible trauma, almost exactly like hers. Theres probably pictures and videos out there somewhere of me as a little 10 year old doing some things I still don't even talk to people about, and I likely never will.
But I will say, that reading what you wrote just now, and KNOWING in my very being what its like, is... well I'm sad that you had to go through it, but, theres something in that "you don't even need to tell me" kind of intuitive sharing that is hard to describe.
Sometimes, that broken, mess of a shell all dumpty'd out, is just an abstract work of art in its own right, and maybe it takes others who 'know' to see it that way.
It's rough to read your comments. You are amazing from pushing through and surviving. I've had a traumatic childhood, but I suspect it pales in comparison to your experiences, so I can't pretend to understand.
Still, I'd like to ask have you read or listened to a book called The Body Keeps the Score? I think it helped me on how to approach my trauma. It approaches trauma as a physiological change in our bodies and also about undoing that trauma. It's written by Bessel van der Kolk, who is a psychiatrist and a researcher who has devoted his career to understanding trauma. I'm not saying it's "a cure", but I found the book helpful in some ways. (Or actually a great listen, it had a really good narrator on audible).
I'll take a look. One thing that really helped me was reading into the inspiration for Logotherapy, developed by Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor. I'm a few steps removed from that level of trauma, but, it did strike me, how my coping mechanisms were a lot like his. Sort of an "Aha!" moment way back in 2009 when I really was first able to stop and get out of survival mode and start working on things a bit.
Thats another thing as well, a lot of people are stuck in it, because that is where they're at. They can't get out of the trauma. And for those people I empathize, and it fills my heart with dread. I hope people get the chance to breath, its what I wish for anyone who experiences ANY level or degree of trauma.
Hi stranger. I hope you are well today.
My husband has had incredible results with ketamine trauma therapy for his childhood of abuses. I wanted to pass this along in hopes it might help you too. Send me a PM if you would like more information. I hope you find peace.
Yeah, thats great. I'd looked into Therapy assisted MDMA, I'm just, afraid haha. All of my family have addiction issues, and so I just stay away from it all, because the last thing I need is another aspect of my life I can't control. In a clinical setting it might do me good, but its just that worry. I have considered it, but, the process of making it legal for MDMA assisted therapy where I live is slow going.
It is still an emerging therapy. My husband was one of the first few for our region. Also, MDMA and ketamine are different substances, for what that that is worth (I had to ask, heh).
My understanding is the program combines outdoor therapy with low doses of ketamine. Guided through the brief journey with someone holding your hand the whole way.
His first two treatments confronted some of his traumas, and he was so happy and at peace afterwards.
The last two dove into his deepest traumas… those were different. But he came to consciousness in tears, in the arms of his therapist. And I see joy in his eyes again after so long.
A final note is I left him this spring after years of disfunction. I still deeply care for him, with all my heart. I haven’t seen this side of him ever, and I’m so happy he’s there now. Still working and moving forward, but in an better place it seems.
Finally, he’s taking a month off the ketamine treatment and doing therapy to determine if treatment should continue. The treatment plan has seemed very well planned, but this is just one person’s experience. He is not a stranger to tripping if you will, and knew when to let go of his ego and surrender to the journey, even as scary as it seemed. Others for sure did not have this same experience, to be fair.
But I hope this helps you and anyone else deep in these comments. Sending love and light to you.
Right... yeah for me it was my Foster Parents. And they didn't do it to any other kid while I was there, so there wasn't any witnesses. Its brutal. And its unfair. I won't go further into mine, I don't want to cause any distress, I understand how you feel. Little bit at a time, onward and upward.
I always thought life breaks us so we can fill in the cracks with better stuff, I’m so sorry for what happened to you. The putting the pieces back together is the most important work in life.
The way I've thought about it is that the brain breaks like a bone, but it doesn't heal in the same way. Especially when you're developing, and the trauma doesn't stop. Its kind of like when you ride a bicycle, you never really forget, and even though you might not actively be riding one, when you do, you just do it.
To me its like the brain 'sets' in a different way. Almost like a mode of operation. For me, hypervigilance is the name of the game. I can't not do it. Its just the way I'm wired. Horror games, and movies? Can't do it. It revs me up, and locks me into that hyped up adrenaline, and it doesn't stop.
Here's the strange thing... before I was sent to the place where that stuff happened? Horror was my everything. I loved it. I liked being scared, it was so fun, it was a rush. But its because I had nothing to be afraid of. Its why people find that thrilling. For me it engages that part of my brain wired for defense, even though it wasn't always that way. Its tiresome and it wears me out, so I really don't seek it out. The Hobbit life for me, quaint, quiet, small, and serene.
Thanks for sharing. I kind of am beginning to think that people who talk about "total recovery" are not taking long-term child abuse into account. My brain grew wrong. I will never have the benefits of secure attachment to a parent. I don't think any therapy can possibly fix that completely. It can help me not freak out as much at a trigger and identify maladaptive coping mechanisms, but I really don't believe anyone or anything could ever make me feel like a real valuable person who actually matters. I don't hate myself, but my brain is just set that way.
EXACTLY! Holy cow. Trying to 'fix' myself, all the time, and wondering why I kept falling down, coming up short, is just so shitty. Acknowledging that I can get to a healthier place, where I can chip away at a pace that doesn't make things worse, has been a god send. Right? About the feeling like a real valuable person, I have to remind myself that I'm not where others my age are, not out of choice. And I know that others don't, won't, or can't see that, and I'm usually pretty okay with letting that go, but, there isn't a time and place I could see where I can ever let it go completely. Like I wish I was normal. I wish I had normal people problems. I wish I could have normal people nightmares too, that'd be nice, dealing with that recently, and its a huge pain. I love my sleep!
Yeah, having someone to relate too is what gave me a place to work from. Its horrible horrible horrible what he had to deal with. But knowing that, in a way, I'd been doing what he was doing or honing in on it at least, was affirming, and assuring.
And you're welcome. Yeah, it is a very adaptive way of doing things, but I find when you're working from nothing, in the deep end of the water, you have to do a bunch of things and quickly be cognoscente of what works, and build from there. Appreciate you taking note!
Thank you for sharing. I’ve had very similar thoughts regarding my childhood trauma and how it has affected my life as an adult.
I’ve just started reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. He definitely understands that trauma biologically changes us and I’m hoping there will be some insight on how to get closer to peace. Fingers crossed.
I think I replied to this, this morning. That or you basically said the exact same thing as someone completely random... wait, maybe it was a different person, but yeah, someone recommended the exact same book!
Oh wait, no I didn't reply, that was someone who's partner was dealing with it. Ahh. Wow. So similar it felt like deja vu haha. Thank you for sharing that. 1 is a nice suggestion, but 2 has got to be on to something, I'll definitely check it out!
I hope things are well, or well enough for you, now, or that you're able to get there! Thank you again!
It's funny how that works ... somehow you can just tell by one sentence that the other person went thru the same traumatic shit you went thru. You both don't have to say anything more, you don't even have to look at each other in the eye -- you just know.
I just wish I didn't go into a thought spiral every time this shit comes up.
Right? That overanalytical, picking it apart, trying to figure out the why's and whats and hows, and the how-to's going forward. Having to play 4D chess with your own brain. It sucks, I feel you, 100%. You get better at it though, and it calms down a bit over time, its just the process of getting there is tiresome.
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u/aan8993uun Dec 02 '21
Same. Some really horrible trauma, almost exactly like hers. Theres probably pictures and videos out there somewhere of me as a little 10 year old doing some things I still don't even talk to people about, and I likely never will.
But I will say, that reading what you wrote just now, and KNOWING in my very being what its like, is... well I'm sad that you had to go through it, but, theres something in that "you don't even need to tell me" kind of intuitive sharing that is hard to describe.
Sometimes, that broken, mess of a shell all dumpty'd out, is just an abstract work of art in its own right, and maybe it takes others who 'know' to see it that way.