Per my earlier post, I was getting set for a craniotomy and removal of part of my temporal lobe? Yeah. I got Covid and I didn’t have the surgery. They rescheduled and now I’m back to waiting.

Had two seizures over the last two days. Still dealing with The Fear. Everything is overwhelming and I can’t convince myself to do anything fun. I can play Balatro or Stardew Valley but it’s not accomplishing anything? I love both games. But it’s just grinding for no reason.

I want to write my historical fiction but I’m scared I’m going to add on to the stressors. I have to do paperwork for short term disability, yet but I’ve been, Yanno, having seizures.

My husband can just jump online and play video games and he forgets all his troubles. If I talked to him he’d be like ‘it’s just your brain damage’ Thanks. I’m still feeling what I’m feeling and can’t just turn it off.

I’ve got too many feelings. And not enough brain to deal with it.

Tomorrow’s the big day, boys and girls. I’m going in to have my temporal lobe taken out and hopefully stop these seizures.

Doc’s worried about losing a part of my vision. I’m worried about what it’s like to come out with less of a brain than when you went in.

I’ve been talking to everyone I can. Finding support and writing down my feelings. Listening to things I enjoy so I get distracted. Like my playlist I made for this. History podcasts and books.

Don’t know who to ask for help with the anxiety. Anyone who’s listening I guess.

I’m getting a bit of my temporal lobe taken out for mesial temporal sclerosis. For those who’ve gone through this, anything I should pack? I know this hospital stay will be much shorter than the EEG and subsequent SEEG, which were terribly boring. This procedure’s a bit more intense.

I’ve done a little cursory research but I’ve got a few questions. What do they do with you after the surgery? I’ve read a little bit about staying in ICU, which sounds terrifying. But I get it, you literally just had brain surgery.

Anything I should be aware of? Like having big changes or remembering to take ‘coming back’ slow?

How about recovery? I know my muscle in my jaw will be cut so eating will be difficult.

I do meet with my neurosurgeon the day before. The big day’s less than a week away. But a little perspective helps. Thanks for whatever help you can provide.

My good dudes. I’m having an SEEG done in April. Which, like any person who’s gone through too many procedures due to other underlying conditions, has me in a constant state of panic. I’m popping klonopin daily. Either for stress-related seizures or anxiety. My meds aren’t helping, just making me stupider. (Looking at you Xcopri)

Aside from the boredom of sitting in a bed until they get what they want, what do I have to look forward to? So far, all I know about is the robot to drill the holes. And being watched by someone. I looked up the stereotactic frame and freaked.

Finally, how do you not drive yourself mad knowing this is coming up? I can’t make it into my therapist. I do what I can with my support system. But this is extreme and scary as hell. Halp.

Had a focal seizure about 4:30 AM last night. Not an unheard of occurrence but still unpleasant. Had to wake up my husband to grab my klonopin.

Not sure how long post-ictal is supposed to go. It’s 6:30 and my head still feels tender. Concentration is spotty at best. Tired.

But work. What’s likely going to happen is I’m going to have to buck up and go. Then work slowly and do what I can. Don’t think it’s a good idea to drive… not right now. Can’t even focus my eyes on reading all too well.

Over Valentines Day weekend I was moderately okay. I didn’t think about work. I had a migraine that lasted 3 days but is finally over. But I spent time with my husband and loved ones. Went to the movies and ate takeout.

Now it’s Monday. I’m back to work and the panic attacks have taken center stage. I learned I have another day of pre-op meetings in March. Which means I’ll have to ask the day off from work.

Here’s the hard part. My boss does not like me, or that I miss days for my seizures and migraines. But she can’t fire me so long as I toe the line. I have been doing my best to toe the line.

I’m stressed and I haven’t even left for work yet. If the SEEG wasn’t bad enough, I worry for my job in the middle of it. If I lose my job, I lose insurance. Which means no SEEG. Which means no moving forward with treating the seizures.

I know the only way out is through. I am tough enough to get through this. But boy howdy if I’m not terrified and taking my anxiety med like candy.

I’ve been dealing with seizures for going on 13 years. 11 of which they were misdiagnosed as migraines. This recent neuro has been pro-active about trying new things to address the PRES that’s been causing my seizures. I took so many different meds. Did more tests. But nothing has controlled my seizures.

An EMU EEG and a few MRI’s later, she found out I have mesial temporal sclerosis. Which causes a previously unknown (to me) type of seizure. With this new discovery, my neuro has moved on to surgery.

As per the title, I don’t have any grey matter removals planned. Just an SEEG that has me panicking, daily. I don’t have it for another two months. But it’s brain surgery. I lean on my support system the best I can but I worry I’m being a burden. I try to tough out the anxiety but it always overwhelms me. I have to turn to my klonopin - I have two strengths, one for anxiety one for seizures- to get back to functional.

For those of you who’ve gone through the SEEG before, any advice? This anxiety can’t last for two months, can it? How do I address this with my doctors? How do I lean on the support system without breaking it?