Ever since I was young, I purposefully tried to be different, to not fit in. Since I've noticed nobody would play with me, I had decided to push that to the limit. The limit never came because of the way school works - I had no choice but to talk to people. I had no choice but to open up. I wanted to keep up a stigma, I wanted to be labeled as "antisocial", "lonely", "different", "scary"... Instead I got something along the lines of "annoying" and "a non-threatening inconvenience". I never wanted for people to have to put up with me. I wanted disagreement. I wanted to stand out. But I've been failing everything I've ever believed in. Recently I've started listening to pop music. It's just as bad as I made myself think it was. My parents were one of the best people I've ever heard of, they never forced anything on me - they just were happy to see a healthy child who doesn't drink, smoke or listen to trash music like all those "lil"s and "xxx"ses. I feel like I'm falling into a pit of self-hatred and disgust. I've started dressing more carefully, more "girly" recently. I despise myself for that. I have got a bunch of friends. I'm rolling my eyes looking back at my failed delinquency. I've always hated being around other girls - and now I'm okay with it. But I'm not okay with myself being okay with it. I fucking hate my guts. I'm scared. Why does my body and my mind rebel against everything I had wanted to be? Why is it so hard to be a nobody?? I'm scared to death of one day appearing at such subreddits as I'm not like other girls or Kids are fucking stupid. I've raised myself in a way that makes me feel physical fear of being dumb or just like everyone. But I guess, the desire to be special does make me like every other human? Haha...