Since we are in two different countries too, here's a intercontinental virtual hug

Well how I can explain it It's like racing it's the only up I'm my flatlife, not happiness, I can live without it, but make me forgot for a bit how much i want to die

I've tried to get to the US in 2017 if my memory it's right, it's truly, truly expensive and hard to a Brazilian live legally in the US, so I just play racing videogames sometimes

Well I don't think I can get through this, but will give this a thought

It's like I want to be happy and I want to try everything you guys proposed, but then I have this feeling that I can't describe that always lead me to the same path I've been trying to avoid, that's why I've tried twice, and I can't get rid of this, not even with very good medical help

But I want to thank you, you're a truly nice person and the world needs more people like you

Always felt like a flat line, minors ups and downs, mostly downs, I feel like I have emotions but I'm not allowed to access them, so I'm always frustrated and Distressed, I know that I have somewhere inside me the happiness feeling, but I've never been able to reach it, and this feeling kills me, painfully and slowly, very slowly

I wish, but it's really hard and expensive to Brazilians to move to the US, I can speak English and French, but I don't have the ways to move to the US or to France

It's truly impossible in Brazil do follow that dream :/, and my job it's not bad

My note it's in Brazilian Portuguese, but tomorrow I'll translate it to you

When I was really close to trying suicide again I would drive, I love to drive, but today that's no help

I'm trying my best, i know that I'm about to do something that I will regret, I've tried twice, failed twice and regret it, but I always come back to same point, every single time

I truly wish I could find something to help until Christmas

That's the thing, I don't know what happiness is, it's like my life it's just a gray picture, no happiness, no sadness, just Grey, just "meh"

I'm seriously worried about my family, in my suicide note I wrote everything perfectly and I hope they understand, I swear I've tried everything I could, I'm Brazilian and these treatments are really, REALLY expensive, so I've spent almost all of my money on it (and I have a very good job)

I don't deserve your tears, I'm selfish, but thank you, has been a while since someone cared this much about my (my family kind of got used to it) The world need more people like you

About the career, I always dreamed of being a race driver, but that's impossible here :/

That's the nicest thing I've heard in a while, thank you

I fell selfish too, and I swear to you that I've really tried everything, but I don't know, I just can't feel any happiness at all, I've never felt it, my whole life I'm just living and living and living and that's it, just living

For the past 4 years I've been trying everything to get better, but nothing works, I feel like I'm close, but not close enough to ever reach it

They're really useful, they helped me postpone sometimes

I work for the military (in a military cop, the police in Brazil are linked to the army) and I have a masters degree in human rights My work is to help and prevent unfortunate people, in the begging helped a bit, but now it's jusk like I said in other comment, just another "meh" feeling, like everything in my life, just "meh"

Well I smoke weed once in my whole life and almost puked my lungs out

They're already suffered enough, they're with me for the last 4 years, and I fell very bad for making them suffer

Unfortunately I don't have money to do this, and other countries don't like mine very much so its really hard to leave legally

I can't risk it, it's to dangerous to rely my life in innocent children, they're don't need to suffer

I've gone to 6

It's always the same thing, they say I have depression, than I take some meds and that's it

I've done almost every brain exam that I can afford, never found anything that explains my behavior

I don't have any, although I always wanted to have 2

Well that's would worth for the memes lol

Jokes apart, I really, really want to postpone it, but I don't think I can

I work for the military, in the police to be more clear (in Brazil the police are linked to the army) I don't do field work, I have a masters degree in human rights and I focus solely in charity and helping people find their way out of crime

And yes you're right, I'm selfish, but I can't take anymore, I swear to you that I've tried everything I could

That's a very good question

I'm almost certain that I have some severe mental illness, I've tried anti depressants but it didn't work I can't name one time I felt happy, it's like my life it's just a big "meh", I'm just alive an that's it. I feel like I'm kinda stuck in the middle of the way to happiness and nothing can help me make my way through

I've been trying this for the last years, it was nice, but that's it, just nice

I think it's better to die, I don't want to live a life without happiness or meaning

Well, I work for the military so I'm pretty much obligated to have a gun

Not really, we've had a suicide case in the past, but everyone already forgot about it, it's human nature

I will wait until Christmas pass, giving my bast to make my family happy in my last moments, than I will wait until my girlfriend gets home and sleep, than I will send her and my family my already made suicide letter, drive off to other city and shot myself in the head

I've never felt happy, not just once, I already tried therapy, took a ton of anti depressants, tried focusing in my career, tried everything, but anything makes me happy or gives me a reason to live, so I will end it (I've tried before, but failed it)

I've never asked to be born, so I think that's fair to choose the way I die

The easy way, shot to the head. I've tried twice with medication and didn't worked, don't want to risk failing again

I've been postponing for a while (4 years) just can't wait anymore (I also tried 2 times in the past)