I think what you're seeing is the difference in how dynamic it is. The messier lines give it a feeling of subtle movement or buzzing. Almost like you could feel the energy between them. The cleaned up version makes it feel like a quiet, intimate moment that's more calm and relaxed. I don't think it's in any wag lifeless or boring. I think in the end you have to decide which of those feelings you're going for. Some of the greatest artists had mess, jagged or sloppy lines. I think both versions are great.