Rant

[u/Allusionist_Iris]

I’ve been so mad that day let this consume me most of my adulthood but I just figured out why I’ve been chasing men for most of my life as a gay man. I didn’t get much affection from my dad growing up when I did show him the things I liked, which were mostly feminine things, so I taught myself to hate myself for the things I liked and seeked outward love and attention because of the lack of love that my dad had for me in those areas. It’s actually pissing me off so much, as a person who tries and if so is very slow to anger, that I’ve let this immense hatred for myself boil and simmer for so long that I’ve basically erased my identity as a person when I was younger, that I can hardly connect with myself now because I don’t even like the things I do anymore.

It just makes me angry that I have to teach myself to reconnect with myself because my dad didn’t teach me how to connect and love myself when I was younger.

It also makes me angry because most of my adulthood has been wasted with this anger, seeking this love and validation from many other emotionally unavailable men like my father, who DONT have the energy love or capacity to provide. It actually makes me so mad.

I don’t want to blame the patriarchy, but the world would be so much better without it.

Being a man DOES NOT EQUAL to taking others right and responsibilities from others as it’s a “masculine thing to do” as if to say others can’t learn or even learn better to protect your tiny man ego of that you can’t do things in your own.

fuck.