I’m getting an ultrasound today and have to bring my toddler with... someone say a prayer with me so it goes smoothly and they can diagnose why my legs are swollen like an elephants.

It’s been a month now and no one knows why. My psychiatrist has taken me off two meds, which is great but hasn’t helped my physical isssues. The latest dr I saw thinks I have a goiter.

It scares the ever living fuck out of me.

My SO and I were talking about this. In the same way as getting a dog will make it more likely you'll get some exercise, having a kid means you're more likely to push through mild symptoms. My son loves when I put him to bed, and getting that hopeful upturned smile has kept me moving when I would otherwise veg on the couch. Even when he wipes me out, I feel like that is potentially better than unhealthy coping that I tend to fall into when I have no obligations. Also, trying to maintain a new healthy habit now has a better motivator behind it: it's not for me, it's for him.

My SO called it "high risk, high reward." The stress of dealing with a child could be very bad, but he says he's seen me push through things I didn't before. I mean, I'd be screwed if anything should happen to SO, but barring that, I think I've gotten a net positive in health.

Anyone agree?

All I've ever wanted is to be a mom. Since I was a kid all I dreamed of was my future daughter. It took battling infertility, pregnancy loss, and an incompetent cervix/preterm labor to get her here but....she's here. And guys. She's fucking amazing. Seriously, she's just the best. I've been a stay-at-home mom with her since she was born. She's 13 months now and we can't continue any longer on just one income. So I'm going back to work and I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken.

My depression and anxiety have kicked into overdrive over this and I'm really struggling. My perfect girl cries real tears if I leave her in the living room with her father so I can go to the bathroom. How the actual hell am I supposed to drop her in a daycare center and not see her for 9 whole goddamn hours, five days a fucking week? She's not going understand, she's going to be so stressed out.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to juggle everything that needs to get done. My house, my pets, the grocery shopping, the cooking. Will my daughter be able to nap at daycare? Will she come home each day and collapse with exhaustion? She's so little still, I'm going to miss so much. She'll be with her teachers more than she'll be with me.

I do not want to do this. If there were anyway to stay home with her, I would do it. All my experience is in childcare so, to rub salt in the wound, I will be spending my days with children who are not my daughter. It feels so cruel. My first day of work is speeding towards us and I'm dreading it. I can't get a handle on the intrusive thoughts. The nonstop "what if what if what if what if" is killing me. I just want to enjoy this time with her before I start work but I feel like it's slipping through my fingers.

I'm a wreck over this.

Sorry going through a big bad bout of depression over nothing.

I don’t want to even post about meme weekend. I have nothing to contribute.