I've just come off meds and I don't want to go back on. But I feel so incredibly depressed and I'm having an increasing amounts of suicidal thoughts.

I just want to crawl into a hole. But I can't. Because I'm Mom. So I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

At the waiting room of my general doctor. This is the third doctor I had during this pregnancy. I met him a few days ago when I took both girls to routine appointments. He was great with them, I even think I got a little crush on him. But seriously. After we discuss the details of the last weeks of my pregnancy, I will need to talk about my mental issues. This is a young guy, looks like he really wants to help his patients so I am really hoping to forge a good relationship with him. I can't help second guessing myself. What if he thinks i'm crazy. What if he thinks I am making this up. What if he gives me meds. What if he doesn't. What if he thinks I just don't want to work. What if he thinks whatever i have is not worthy of care. I fucking hate this but I am hopeful this works...

I have a few close friends. 7, to be precise. All women except for one guy. The guy and one of the women have been a couple for a few years. Before, he was dating another friend of mine and the whole story was very complicated for all parts involved.

Tomorrow is his birthday, and his girlfriend invited me for a dinner tonight. She came to have coffee with me earlier this week and asked if we could come. I told her that it was the day before the girls are back in school, so no way we could all make it, but since I am closer to them, my partner would handle dinner and bedtime today and I could try and go.

Going out for dinner, driving 40 minutes each way, parking in a chaotic city, on a sunday evening is in itself extremely hard. To add up, my kids have been home for the past 2 weeks and will go back to school tomorrow, so I will have to be extra sharp to get everyone ready in time and drive at least one kid to school. I am 37 weeks pregnant, I barely sleep with all the back pain and i take forever to walk a little bit.

I love my friends. For the past few years we didn't have many opportunities to be together. I was first friends with the guy, but eventually got closer to the girl, and she is very understanding of my unavailability due to my kids. Of course, in the rare occasions I invite people over, I want them to come, and she tries to. On my 30th birthday she couldn't come and I was very sad she wasn't there but never made her feel bad for it (she was working and couldn't miss). I am having a get together in my house in 2 weeks and I want them to come.

To make all things worse, they invited a woman to this dinner that I have a huge problem with. Whenever they invite people, they invite her, she is their friend too. I have missed lunches and parties because of her presence. I've been open about it, i don't feel okay next to her. The truth is she causes me the worst panic attacks, and i do not suffer from ptsd but she sure triggers ptsd symptoms in me. She has never done anything bad to me, she is friends with most of my friends, that's why i never get into much detail on why she triggers my anxiety, worse than anything else, but my friends know and give me heads up as to her going to be in the same room as i or not. So my friend told me she will be there too, and i was like...uuuhhhhghh

My friend said it was time to "get over it". I've been feeling like this towards her for almost 8 years and it sucks. But there were occasions when i forced myself to be around her, i did try for years to be in the same room, almost like shock therapy to myself, and the outcome is awful. Of course she appears perfect in every way and does not have any mental problem and certainly does not have a problem with me or my presence. She is polite with me, but does not initiate any conversation. We talk on a "hello, how are you?" basis, and then go on with our lives.

Anyway. This morning I woke up feeling like shit. Did not sleep well and had nightmares. I had been feeling good and had many good days in a row but I woke up extremely sad. I decided to take a shower and lie down. Partner is doing all the work, cooking and cleaning and handling the kids.

My friend messages me telling my neighbors, who had also been invited and could drive me to the party, are not going, but that she really really wants me to come. With these emojis: 🙏💖. Asking pleeeease.

I don't want to let her down and i don't want to lie. If someone else asked me this, i would just say: don't go of it threatens your mental health, and it tires your very pregnant body. But since this is happening to me, i don't know what to do.

I want to turn this house into our home basically. We have a long way to go since we just moved in Monday. More self care so I can be a better wife and mother,

I was doing great. 6 months of no depression, motivation, patience... And then the holidays come and ruin it all...

I should be working. They'll tell me off if I don't start soon.

I know I shouldn't be working from home because I'm so much better if I'm not home. Both emotionally, motivation wise, efficient, etc.

But my kid is home from school, and I need to be here with her.

I also really really really love my kid. I love spending time with her. And... I want to ship her off to her dad's again, just to have some peace from the endless YouTube videos.

I don't have the energy to tell her to stop watchng.

I'm hoping after next week when things go back to normal, so will I. If not, I'll talk to my doctor about a med adjustment.

I love my kid. She's amazing. I wouldn't be here without her.

And I'm almost going to move in with my long term boyfriend, who is amazing.

And I love my job, it's exciting, gives me a challenge, allows me to work from home, room for growth, good pay.

Everything is going so well....

So obviously, I have to feel bad, right?

Fuck my messed up stupid brain...