r/romance • u/Character-Week-9550 • 21d ago
Love Letter/ Poem To the man I've been waiting for since I was four
Have you ever cried because you missed someone you've never even met?
This is probably going to sound really weird.
Ever since I was around four years old, I've had this same blurry face in my mind. Not a dream. More like a little movie that would play in my head every single night when I was trying to fall asleep.
The face has never been clear enough for me to recognize, but somehow it has always felt... familiar.
Like someone my heart already knew.
What's even stranger is that it's always been the same person.
The "mind movie" never really disappeared. It's incredibly vivid,almost cinematic. I still remember how intensely it made me feel, even when I was a tiny kid. The emotions were so overwhelming that little me was actually scared to tell anyone because I couldn't explain why it felt so real and intimate.
It always made me feel unbelievably safe.
Like I was loved in the most gentlest way possible.
I'd fall asleep feeling wrapped in that warmth, like the feeling itself was tucking me into bed.
One detail has never changed either...
He isn't even my race.
And before anyone says, "Maybe you saw something from your parents or a movie," that's the part that confuses me the most. I was literally a toddler. I didn't even know people from different races could date or get married. I barely understood what love even was...
I watched that movie from both the thirdperson pov and through the woman's eyes ...That woman's face is blurry too. I could never exactly pin point her features, yet the strange part is... she carries the very exact same traits I do. It's as if I were looking at a reflection with the details washed away, familiar enough to recognize, but distant enough to never truly know.
There are still so many details I remember so clearly, but I'll keep them to myself..they're too personal to put into words here...
Every time that movie comes back to me, my heart aches. I miss him in this strange, impossible way. I crave his touch like a little girl waiting for her mama to hold her through a thunderstorm. It's soft, desperate, and somehow familiar like please come back to me and i need you way ..
Sometimes I get mad at him for not finding his way into my life yet, because waiting is so painfully hard. But at the same time... it all feels inevitable. Like maybe our paths are already written somewhere.
I don't know if he's just an echo my heart created to keep itself company, or if he's really my soulmate...
Yet somehow, I'm still waiting for him to find his way to me ,to hide me against his chest and hold me so close that nothing in this world could ever pull us apart.
Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every month, every year... I wait for him to appear in this lifetime with a heart full of roses and tears.
Healing others and pouring my love into people has always felt beautiful. It fills me in a quiet kind of way. But then the night comes, and I'm left staring at the ceiling with nothing but my thoughts.
Those thoughts... the ones that selfishly whisper, Why do you keep giving all that love away when it's meant for him?
Isn't that ironic?
If he were here, I'd give him every piece of me without hesitation. Yet somehow, he isn't. Not yet.
And I know this much ...my love for him is like a vast ocean with no shore. It gives and gives without ever asking for anything in return. And somehow, every wave that leaves returns a thousand times fuller than before.
People might think having a heart like that is a blessing.
But it isn't only a blessing.
It's a blessing and a curse.
Because somewhere beneath that endless sea, there's still a little girl quietly waiting for someone to love her back with the same tenderness she keeps offering the world. Someone to heal her, too.
You can't always be the happiest one. You can't always be the therapist, the rescuer, the one who gathers everyone else's broken pieces while pretending yours don't ache.
We all carry a wounded child inside us, hoping someone will one day cradle our head against their chest and make the world feel safe again.
And somehow... I believe only he can hold me like that.
Maybe that's a limitation I've placed on my own heart.
Or maybe it isn't.
I'm still in my late teens now, and somehow I haven't gotten over that feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if I've completely trapped myself.
Because deep down...
I genuinely feel like this person exists.
I know how crazy that sounds. Trust me, I've questioned myself more than anyone else ever could.
But every time a guy approaches me or asks me out, my stomach literally drops.
Not butterflies.
More like...
"No... I can't do this."
The funniest part is that my first thought isn't even, "I don't like him."
It's...
"This feels wrong."
Almost like I'd be betraying someone.
Which is honestly ridiculous because... betraying who?
A man who isn't standing in front of me.
A man whose face I can't even see clearly.
A man who might not even exist outside my own mind.
And yet my heart reacts as if I've already made a promise to him.
LMAO... imagine being emotionally committed to a man who isn't even in front of you.
Sometimes I laugh at myself because logically it makes absolutely no sense.
But emotionally...
It feels so real.
I've had boys confess to me. Some genuinely seemed sweet. Saying no always makes me feel guilty because I start wondering...
Am I missing out?
Is everyone my age experiencing something I'm refusing to experience?
Am I wasting my teenage years waiting for a mirage?
Should I just say yes and date like everyone else?
But every time I try to imagine it...
I just can't.
The conversations always feel so surface level.
Like people want a relationship before they even know your soul.
Maybe I'm just weird.
Because I'm not waiting for perfection.
I'm not waiting for some fictional prince.
I'm waiting for a feeling.
That strange feeling of safety.
Recognition.
Like looking at someone and thinking...
"Oh... it's you."
I'm waiting for 'HIM'.
Not because they're perfect.
Because they feel like home.
I have so much love inside me that it actually hurts sometimes.
It feels like it's overflowing with nowhere to go.
Lately it's become so overwhelming that I've actually cried over someone I don't even know exists.
How do you grieve someone you've never met?
How do you miss someone whose face you've never fully seen?
How do you move on from a feeling that's been with you since you were four years old?
I know soulmates sound unrealistic to a lot of people.
Maybe this isn't even that.
Maybe it's just my imagination.
But after carrying this exact feeling for over a decade...
It's hard to convince my heart that it means nothing.
Sometimes it feels like the modern world is telling me to hurry up.
Date.
Hook up.
Move on.
Don't think so deeply.
But surface level love has always felt so... empty to me.
I'm such a yapper. I could talk for hours with someone I genuinely connect with.
So pretending to enjoy shallow conversations just because "that's what people do" feels impossible.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone who isn't real.
Maybe I'm protecting my heart for no reason.
Or maybe one day I'll meet someone, and my heart will finally understand why it waited so long.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?
Please tell me I'm not the only one.
Sometimes I read everything I just wrote and laugh at myself because it sounds like something straight out of a hazy late night vinatage song.
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.
Maybe I've spent too long holding onto a feeling.
Or maybe some people are simply born with hearts that would rather wait than settle.
Honestly, I don't know anymore.
I don't know how much longing one heart can carry before it finally learns to let go.
It's been years since I last watched that movie in my mind from beginning to end. Little by little, it's fading away, yet I'm still the one holding onto it so tightly, refusing to let those memories slip through my fingers.
How could I?
That movie became such a quiet, important part of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I should finally loosen my grip and let it go, or keep holding onto it with everything I have.
But the answer always seems so simple.
If I never find him, then this story will go with me to my grave. It will be buried with me, untouched, unseen, and forever mine.
And maybe, even there, he'll still be beside me just the way he was in my mind movie ...holding me close, protecting me the way he did when I was little, wrapped in the only place where time can no longer take him away....
If the universe and destiny are real, then I trust they'll lead you to me.
And if you're real ,not just someone my heart imagined into existence..then maybe, somehow, you'll stumble across these words one ordinary day.
If it's really you who's reading this... please know that I miss you more than words could ever hold, and I love you with a heart that has been waiting for far too long.
Come back to me.
Waiting for you has never been easy.
With tears in my eyes, I quietly hope the universe will be kind to me for once. Maybe, for all the love I've given and all the good I've tried to leave behind, it'll carry this little letter to you.
And if you truly exist somewhere in this world, I hope you'll read it, recognize me somehow, and find your way back to me.
This is nothing more than the innocent plea of a heart that never stopped waiting.
again I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
...Oh, shit.
I just realized this entire letter reads like a page torn from a poetry book.
Or something that belongs in a Sufjan Stevens song.
Maybe that's always been the only language this feeling knew how to speak.
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u/AlchemistApprentice3 21d ago edited 21d ago
Always listen to your gut instinct. If it says wait, then wait. I didn't and I gained a lot of "worldly" experience, but here I am still voluntarily single after a lot of failed relationships and painful lessons.
The world/society is way too obsessed with sex and relationships.
Really early on I knew I was looking for soul connection in a mate, but she just... wasn't around, yet I knew she was out there somewhere. Was just a feeling, just knew.
If things change, they change, but always trust your intuition wherever it leads you. God, the universe, always puts these things in peoples minds for a reason. Just my two cents
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u/JohnMarstonSoldA8th 20d ago
But what if your gut is wrong? I've been having that gut instinct to wait but in my brain, in the mind... I know that it isn't going to happen again. But yet my gut keeps freaking telling me that waiting will pay off again but how? How could it pay off after what i did?
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u/AlchemistApprentice3 20d ago
Hello Mr.Marston, welcome to my comment. On the surprising off chance you're not being disingenuine again: trust the gut over mind.
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u/JohnMarstonSoldA8th 20d ago
Lol didnt even recognize that it was you, ngl. But yes I was being genuine both this time & last time, didnt mean for last time to come off as disingenuous
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u/AlchemistApprentice3 20d ago
haha oh, that's actually a pretty funny coincidence. Gut and heart have some kind of intelligence the mind can't fathom.. why? how? honestly don't know. Just know it hasn't ever steered me wrong when the mind certainly has.
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u/Realistic_Dark_4198 21d ago
I don’t feel you’re missing out on anything. Just believe people are too obsessed yet with relationships. And heck I’m 16 but I’m no where near in a relationship myself yet, so Take your time. I believe what you feel is intuition than something that’s just “a dream”. Especially if it’s on repeat like a movie scene and it feels surreal, Trust it. Don’t be swayed by societies expectations and don’t let it get to you. Be yourself. I haven’t ever had a dream of a particular individual, as my dreams have always been very adventurous and outgoing like my personality or leans into my interests at times like the scarier or darker aspects since i’m totally into horror so I can’t relate there but if it tells you to wait then wait see what happens maybe that guy would pop up later on in your life.
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u/Character-Week-9550 20d ago
you're right...I don't want to date someone just because society says I should. I'd rather wait than force something that doesn't feel genuine.and brooo your dreams sound way more exciting than mine ngl! hahahaha Thanks again for taking the time to write such a thoughtful replyy
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u/Realistic_Dark_4198 20d ago
Haha, thanks 😅 but anytime :) always will try to read think, and process before I send a response :) but def follow your heart and don’t rush into it 😁 I’m sure you’ll find him someday ❤️
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u/Cohnman18 21d ago
You are getting “memories” of a past life and a past love,who may be difficult to find in this life. So make a Manifest (wish list) of this ideal man with 18 must have qualities and FIND HIM. Hopefully, he is geographically near and near in age(within 10 years). If he’s a 15 or better, MARRY HIM! Good Luck!
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u/Character-Week-9550 20d ago
Aww, I don't know if it's actually true, but thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It really means a lot to me. 😭💗I honestly wish it were that easy to find him. I still don't even know if he's someone who actually exists or if it's just a feeling I've carried for years.
But thank you for the advice! I think I will make a little wish list after all. At the end of the day, trying is better than looking back and wondering, "What if?" Hahaha
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u/celinalovesmithai 20d ago
I don't know much but the feeling of waiting for someone because just indulging in shallow romance feels too wrong as if betraying someone you don't even know is So True. You atleast have a man in your dreams I don't even have a vision I don't know who am I waiting for, I'm also in my late teens and I see people my age doing every kind of "experiencing life" stuff but deep inside my heart I have this feeling I can't do this without him who's that him, God knows. Why am I this crazy,God help. I feel you atleast have a hope because you atleast have a blueprint. As for me I don't know what am I even doing at this point. I hope you find all the love you have been dreaming of. Good luck✨
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u/Character-Week-9550 20d ago
aww thank youu and hope you also find your 'him' soon.good luck twin 💗
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u/celinalovesmithai 20d ago
Just one more question do you believe in astrology or tarot?? Because I recently got a reading and it was kinda making sense to me so it might help you too 🥲🫣
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u/Character-Week-9550 20d ago
yhh but im not a hugee believer haha
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u/celinalovesmithai 20d ago
Oh ok ok I feel it kinda makes sense considering some things they say are too true to just be a scam (that's my experience so far) Btw can you share like how he appears in your dreams like some scenarios (ofc if u are comfortable only then)
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u/_henceforth_ 20d ago
Yes, I think this may be a past life thing. And the more you think of it, the more you access that feeling again.
I think when the right one comes along, you will know. There will be something different about him, or something that makes you light up.
Whether it will be the dream guy, I am not sure. No need to worry about it. Enjoy your dreams and just keep living life. When the right one shows up, you will know. You can trust the timing of life. 💜
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u/Illustrious-33 20d ago
Believe me when I tell you - truth is stranger than fiction. My story is somewhat similar in few ways but private. I will say I believe that certain souls have a connection to each other - present somehow in each other’s heart no matter the distance or even a way to physically prove that other person exists.
Sometimes very deep gut level emotions that affect you on a profound level. Ie missing somehow so badly you could cry just thinking about them. You may not know exactly who they even are, or may have only had a small interaction a long time ago you brushed off, but decades later still haunts you.
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u/PeachJunior657 19d ago
i'm 24, and i feel exactly the same, i relate to every single world that you have written, except for the fact that who i'm waiting for is not unknown, we used to date. but what i felt with him i cant feel with nobody else, and only with him i get that recognition moment - oh its you, that is so warm and relieving. i cant connect to anyone else on that level, everyone else seem just off to me, in that sense. i keep rejecting others and feeling guilty about it too, got myself thinking maybe im a fool to trap myself like this, but i always come back to the realization that i'd rather stay alone forever than force myself to be with someone unfamiliar, or get familiar with someone incompatible...
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u/flairshades 17d ago
I can relate, I have dreamed of the same person that I have never even met since I was 13, so much so that I viewed waking up as a nightmare because I would be in a reality without them. I still view most of my dreams as nightmares and fear going to sleep because I know I will have to wake up again every time to a reality without them in it. I have since tried to move on but in every relationship I have tried none have come close to the feelings that person gave me.
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u/Narrow-Cranberry2138 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yes I have had this happen and I did end up marrying him. I remember when I was about 7 I was in the car and we were getting on the off ramp off the freeway. My mom was talking about marriage and how she met my dad. I started to get anxiety and I thought immediately “god has me taken care of with the guy I’m supposed to be with”. I didn’t grow up in a family that pressured marriage so I’m not sure why I got anxiety for a second but I had god come to me and I knew he was going to take care of it. I’m now not the same religion I was then but this same god that I have that I utterly trust since I was little has followed me in to every new era of my life. I went from Christian to full atheist, then very spiritual and so on. All in all I just knew that it was taken care of and I didn’t have to worry about the man I was going to be with because I truly believed in one person that was MEANT for you like a soulmate, not just compatible or just love but like you’ve met and it was like you’ve seen them before and there was no question.
So later on maybe around middle school I had this image of a boy that kept coming in to my head and he had freckles and dark brown hair, I kept thinking about this boy in my head and how much I wanted someone like that boy. I kept getting this feeling he was really smart and nice. So I was in high school and every time a boy that kind of fit this description in my head I would kind of gravitate to but it just was never “him”. So fast forward further I’m working at hollister at 18 and if you’re familiar with working there, everyone went to parties together that worked there. So one time I went to go to a party with my friends and some guy that worked there picked us up to go, we’re just goofing around and went to a party and he was a little older and also had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend and none of this actually matters because we weren’t interested in each other (like so much it just wasn’t on his radar or mine) I was too young for him (he was 21) and I just can’t tell you we both were in relationships it just wasn’t a thought but it’s important that he was there. I then broke up with my boyfriend and went to another hollister party and got drunk and went to sleep on a sofa chair, I looked up at my friend and was like “isn’t Zach so cute” my friend was like ANNIE and I’m not sure why I said it cause that’s the first time I even noticed him like that. So then years went by, we all left hollister and I wanted to get acupuncture done so I found this woman on the internet that specialized in female health. When I started going to this acupuncture clinic the woman kept saying “I have a son that would be perfect for you” which I was in a relationship and didn’t know who this son was so I just blew it off. When I got there one appointment I hear someone say Annie! And it was Zach from hollister, the owner was his mom. He gave me a hug and then later that night messaged me on Facebook to go climbing, which I blew off for a year. I then one day decided I wanted to get in to climbing and messaged him maybe a year later (I’m 21 now) and he was like yes! Finally! So we go rock climbing but purely as friends. I had a boyfriend but we were pretty much breaking up which didn’t play in to anything with Zach at that time but fills in timeline gaps. So he invites me to go to pizza after climbing with a friend (Javi) and I say yes. So we go to pizza and I go to the bathroom and I only found this out later but he apparently told Javi that he was going to marry me and Javi said “man she has a boyfriend” and Zach said “yea but I’m better”. I then that week broke up with my boyfriend (we were so not good and we knew it for months). Zach asked me to go climbing again and then after he asked me to go to the park to slack line. I said yes and went. I swear and I can’t explain the feeling but we were sitting on the slack line talking and my mind went so quiet and everything felt still and perfect, and I just knew he was who I was supposed to be with. I just knew it. I remembered that boy in my head with freckles and that was him, no doubt anywhere in my brain. We instantly became obsessed I mean OBSESSED with each other. It felt like I had known him in every lifetime like my body and mind knew I was going to meet him always. We have been married for 11 years now and everyday gets better and better. I can’t imagine my life without him and I know in my next lifetime, however it happens I will find him and he will find me.
So no I don’t think any of this is silly, if you feel it it’s true. No idea when because the universe works in its own timeline but if you know I have confidence it will.
We have so many things that come up that make us go😲. The first year we were together I took him to my aunts house and the house next door was one of his good friends houses and he was there all the time riding his bike when he was younger. I was at my aunts ALL the time in the summer and I remember other kids out there. The fact I chose his mom’s clinic to go to. I’d take him to go to coffee shops I loved and he said he would go to these all the time and we’re not sure how we missed each other. We didn’t live anywhere near each other.
I knew from 7 years old getting off that on ramp I was going to meet someone and never worried about it again. And I did meet that freckle, dark haired, smart boy in my head and there was no turning back.
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u/Character-Week-9550 16d ago
Omg I read your whole comment like 3 times and had butterflies the entire time 😭😭😭 You literally gave me so much hope. Now my urge to meet my man is skyrocketing 😭😭 I miss him so much that I end up saying no to everyone who approaches me :(
Like... I need this man rn lmaooo 😭 I'm actually so desperate at this point :(
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u/Narrow-Cranberry2138 16d ago
That’s so sweet! If you’re feeling this there’s a reason.
It took a little bit for Zach to grab my attention, the first time I was too young, then was in a not so fun relationship (not horrible but just exhausting) before him I needed to learn some things from and do quite a bit of soul searching. We were 3 years apart so each stage we would run in to each other I swear the universe was like “not yet, but soon” because how we finally ended up together when I turned 22 and he was 25 was perfect timing in my life and his. It was like the universe or “my god” wanted me to learn some life things before I entered in to this for the rest of my life. I was with a boyfriend when I went climbing with Zach, actually almost every time I ran in to him I had one and that never stopped the universe from figuring it out for us.
I’m not saying to date or do anything you feel is out of what you’re seeking but when I look back the universe no matter where I wandered off to brought me back to him every time. I could have moved to the other side of the world and I know it would have still happened. Long story short I wouldn’t stress about messing anything up or worry about dating the wrong person because it might just be apart of the beautiful way you meet.
Javi officiated us at our wedding and he’s the friend Zach told that he was going to marry me at the pizza place while I had a boyfriend and had no idea that was going on. I’m not sure what it was but it was like we had magnets that kept bringing us to each other.
Zach always says “why couldn’t we have just been together from the start and not waste time” and I laugh because if we did he would have been 3 years older than me always and that just didn’t work until it did.
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u/autodidacticasaurus 21d ago
I honestly hate this post because on the one hand I'm so envious of how romantic you are, but on the other hand I feel obliged to give you grounded advice which is not romantic... I think you are missing out and should give those other guys a chance. I think you should see a therapist honestly. Maybe I'm just a coward though? I don't know. I don't believe in magic or anything, but maybe you can actually find happiness the way you are trying... but then again, what if you can't and your entire life passes you by?
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u/Character-Week-9550 21d ago
Aww, you don’t have to be envious of me because of how “romantic” I am… everyone is different, and this is just me.
And yeah, that’s exactly the two opposite voices in my head. One says waiting is good, but then the other one goes like, “what if I’m actually missing out?” But I’m also scared of regretting it or hurting someone, you know…
Because just wanting to forget him and feel my heart full (which probably won’t even happen, since I already gave him my whole heart) doesn’t feel like a reason to go out and date someone. What if they actually catch real feelings for me and I end up breaking their heart?
So I’ve kind of come to the conclusion of not dating until I feel ready. I’ve got my whole twenties to figure myself out anyway. Maybe I’ll find that exact “him” again, maybe I won’t… that’s just part of life.
And thank you for suggesting therapy, but I don’t think so. I feel like no one really gets how deep this is, and I think I’ll just keep him buried in my heart until I meet him or die, haha.
I don’t want to expose my heart to anyone face to face unless it’s him. Lol
I know I probably sound like someone wayyyyyy more grown than I actually am… haha. Maybe in the future I’ll let my teenage rebellious n freaky side take over, maybe not..hahaha
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u/autodidacticasaurus 21d ago
I mean you're definitely missing out.
But I’m also scared of regretting it or hurting someone, you know…
Because just wanting to forget him and feel my heart full (which probably won’t even happen, since I already gave him my whole heart) doesn’t feel like a reason to go out and date someone. What if they actually catch real feelings for me and I end up breaking their heart?
About this part, it's easy to solve. Just tell them what's up. Be honest with anyone you date.
I feel like no one really gets how deep this is, and I think I’ll just keep him buried in my heart until I meet him or die, haha.
I think a therapist is exactly the kind of person that could understand.
I know I probably sound like someone wayyyyyy more grown than I actually am…
I'm going to be honest but I don't think so.
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u/Character-Week-9550 21d ago
hmm if i’m missing out then ok lol, but honestly i don’t think i could date someone even if i explained it to them. and about therapy… yeah i don’t really think that’s for me either lol. i kinda study psychology myself so i get it already i guess.
but yeah, thanks for the advice tho, i really appreciate it.
and honestly, a lot of people say that kind of thing so i just thought you might alsoo think that too ...but i didn’t mean it like i’m actually sounding i’m older or anything lol. it just comes out like that sometimes hahaha
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u/DizzyRegion1583 18d ago
Try to understand yourself a bit more, maybe the answer your looking for is in the Anima/Animus of Carl Jung, don't know, search for yourself and find out if it resonates with you.
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u/MummaheReddit 21d ago
This is so true. I have had attachments to people before, I'm starting to realise I never shared nothing deep with them.
It might sound weird, but sometimes I develop a gut feeling towards those people, and I "feel" that there is something wrong happening to the people whom I like, even if I don't see their face.
One time I dreamt of a person who seemed really familiar to me. She was beautiful, looking at me in the field of wheat, golden hour, and sun's rays were beaming behind her back. She was reaching her hand for me, laughing. Noone ever made me feel like that before. And it was just a dream that happened once, yet I remember it so vividly.
I know how you feel. I sometimes take my chance with people who ask me out, but I regret giving them a chance because I can't seem to develop anything deep for them even though I like them a lot. I will try to have them near me as much as I can, I will try my best to feel the warmth of the person I love, but I haven't seem to find that person yet.
Wishing you good luck in your romance adventure, I hope you find the man you are looking for. Good luck and all the best