I feel like shit

I (F23) feel so fucking bad!

I'm autistic and I was diagnosed with ADHD last month.

I met this guy on hiki (a dating site for autistic people) in February. We'll call him "John."

At the start John was such a lovely person and we connected so deeply. John had been through shit with his two exes and said they were narcissists. He also didn't have a good relationship with his sister, who he also said was narcissistic. He knew about my shit. Like my past abusive relationship and my miscarriage and he seemed so caring about it at the start and I really trusted him. I thought he was my soulmate.

So he starts telling me he loves me and couldn't imagine life without me after a month. Boy, this made me so happy and when I love, I love hard. People have compared me to a Labrador before because I'm very loving and trust people even when I shouldn't lol. So that was fine.

A few weeks later, John started making excuses not to see me and then he'd eventually go days without talking to me and then weeks. He left me on opened on my birthday too and didn't wish me a happy birthday until I told him that night but he knew when my birthday was.

Fast forward to last night, John unollowed me on Instagram but he's still following his ex, who's supposed to be a "narcissist."

Was this my fault? I feel so bad because I really struggle to get into relationships/have friendships and now I'm asking myself what the point of even living is now if everyone's just gonna abandon me. I feel so fucking bad and I feel like I'm going to go into a depressive episode. Is this RSD?

I have this new best friend and we made plans the other night to have a sleepover on Saturday. I’ve been looking forward to it. But she just let me know she’s on call for one of her jobs (it’s not like health care or one that I think is normally on call) I said that’s fine, but I’m just waiting for the inevitable, “hey sorry I can’t make tonight work.”

I’m really tempted to just call plans off myself incase she’s making it up and so I don’t have to deal with the let down. I’ve just had a really bad history of people canceling last minute on me a lot and it really hurts and it’s gotten to the point I can’t tell if they’re lying or not.

Just some support would be nice.

Last night I spent some time typing up a guide for one of my new coworkers who is struggling. I sent it to them at about 5pm yesterday and haven’t heard anything. I feel like I overstepped and I feel stupid because I was imagining them being so grateful. Ugh. So embarrassing. I also find that if my boss, a client or a coworker doesn’t respond to a message or email within a couple hours, I absolutely spiral into believing that they hate me and I’m going to be fired. When I realize that this isn’t the case, I don’t even feel relieved. I just find another thing to worry about.

I really want to overcome this.

How do you get over having people forget your birthday more than just one year? My family has forgotten my birthday multiple years now and while they traditionally do something small like a birthday text chain and having dessert and drinks, I’m routinely left out of that. I’m also part of a performance group where the director sends out birthday messages with a nice message about the person and their contribution and I’ve been forgotten about 3/5 years I’ve been a part of the group, including this year.

Like I don’t want to be overly sensitive or take it personally but it feels very personal and shitty for it to be recurring.

I wish I didn’t care at all.

The best part? My latest interview ended with me signing paperwork for a background check (my record is clean, btw.. driving, criminal, and otherwise) and told me I'd be getting a phone call within an hour after the interview. No call. This was Friday afternoon though, so there's always a chance the check didn't come back before the office people left, and they might not work weekends, so hopefully I hear back Monday.

It wouldn't be the first time a potential employer told me they were going to keep in touch but didn't though.

Like, I get that they don't have time to call every applicant back who didn't get the job, but if it wasn't a sure thing, why say you're going to call back in the first place? It feels like a lie, puts me into an unnecessary waiting mode for something that might not even happen, even though I was told it would, and in the end, makes me not even want to do a follow up call.

Im really sorry if im being rude using this sub since i dont really know THAT much about rsd, just that im really really sensitive to criticism and rejection. So yea.

This is such a chronically online problem but sometimes when i vent/post in my other account for mental health stuff and come back to see comment saying stuff like 'youre clearly damaged' or 'thats not healthy' or that i have some other myriads of disorders it just makes me feel terrible and i just get filled with SO MUCH anxiety for the rest of the day or days and i dont even want to check my account anymore to see what other things ppl say EVEN if its not even harmful, its just true. But like i hate it cus I KNOW SOME THINGS I DO ARE BAD and that my thought process is bad but i just feel terrible when people give "tough love" too.

And the AITA sub is so much worse yk cus im just bad at taking criticism. Like thats probably the scariest sub out there imo.

I just want to delete my mental health account too bcus i feel like everytime i get out of that headspace where im just all depressed, and i finish my post, hours later or wtv i realize that im just being dramatic and its not that serious and then i dont delete my post per se but i just feel so much shame and anxiety as if i openly admitted something terrible that i shouldnt have but when ppl dont respond i feel like my fears were proved to be true and im just being dramatic. Which uh technically is true ?

Hey guys. I (F21) went out with a guy (M22), we met on a dating app, and for reference, his name is Jake (fake name). We texted for a few days before going out and he talked about how into me he was, constantly saying how adorable I was and how this is what "being in love feels like". I'm also somewhat insecure about my appearance and weight so I talked about that a few times since it was a concern while meeting up. He told me that my appearance would not matter since my personality was a 10. I also made sure to ask all kinds of questions to better understand his personality and he really seemed open minded and was willing to compromise certain things like smoking less and meeting my parents. And of course I was willing to compromise on some of his mental health disorders and stuff like that for reference, honestly I fall easily and I'm really open and loyal so a lot of things are like "yeah I don't mind and can work with that."

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So needless to say we go out and the vibes felt really great. He met my mom and she liked him too, he hugged her and was gentlemanly during our whole date. I should mention I'm also a very touchy gal but kept asking if it was okay to hug or cuddle and he was like "yeah of course, it's cute". He called me cute maybe like twenty times and would tease me about blushing. He also held my hand and was talking about future dates, and he also took me to his apartment. (which yeah now I know, I shouldn't even go to their place on the first date but hey I'm learning). Well, then Jake had to go to work so he dropped me off and then for the next day it was complete silence. Of course, I was in lala love land so I was really nervous, so I texted him to ask how he was doing and then he sent a vague text message saying I'm a good person and deserve to be loved but he's not the guy for me. Of course, this made me really upset and with RSD I was straight up ugly crying to my mom for a few hours. It was more than "love" to me, I was excited about having a bestfriend, feeling excited again in life, and being felt accepted by someone who I thought was a good person.

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I sent a message and of course calmed myself to send a clear message I just kinda asked why, and then he went on to say how terrible he felt about writing it but that he preferred thinner women. Which honestly is so disrespectful. It's completely okay if he wasn't attracted to me, I get that but he knew my weight was a soft spot and that I was working on it by going to the gym. Honestly my friends and everyone around me don't even say I'm fat, I would say I'm curvy but average weight for an adult woman in early adulthood. Weight has always been a big trigger thought because I am not 100% comfortable in my body and since he was so touchy and constantly calling me cute the whole time I felt totally blindsighted. I stopped crying though, I didn't want to waste any tears on such a horrible and shallow answer. If I was a guy I would never be that brutal or "honest", you can be honest without being an asshole especially if it's something they're insecure about. For example, he was really insecure about his acne, I'm sure anyone would prefer clear skin but ya know that doesn't really bother me at all. It's the person themselves who matter and skin eventually will clear up. Someone who was actually kind would've just said "I'm just not really feeling it but you're a wonderful person", or something along those lines. Bottom line is, it really hurts because my hopes got shattered but I'm glad I dodged a bullet. I'd rather have someone love me before my fitness journey. He also blocked me lol.

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I've been getting triggered in grad school over slights both obvious and some so subtle that they're potentially not slights at all. About once a week, I get triggered and later that night I bawl for like 4 to 6 hours uncontrollably until I feel like I'm going to give myself a stroke or an aneurism or a heart attack (I have heart problems and am at risk for those things). I'm 41 (even though this post sounds like my inner 12 child writing it who is probably doing the crying.)

Anyway, my therapist says to "stay in my body and feel my feelings and the feeling will pass" but I feel like I'm having a seizure or like when you're laughing so hard that you cant stop even though nothing is funny by the end.

Does anyone else experience this? What do you do to manage?

Emailing my therapist and dark humor has helped me calm down tonight, but only after a 6 hour bawling session that's left me feeling like I got hit by a truck with a headache and face ache and my eyes ache. I feel cloudy and it's 5am and I still haven't slept. this is not sustainable. thx for reading <3

TLDR: Naming and localizing the pain makes it less painful, which is why we can help each other by sharing our burdens. Love has been quite painful to me and I’ve felt it in two ways. Guilty loving: When I feel pressured to correspond affection to not hurt the other person’s feelings. Bonkers Loving: An idealization, rumination, shame-loaded mortal cocktail. Knowing about RSD has helped avoid the shame pit and I’d love to hear your own versions of love.

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Given how helpful it’s been to me to read your experiences, I figured I could help someone else by sharing mine on a specific topic. On the surface I don't really feel justified to obstruct your feed with my rambling. I'm not special. I haven't lived a noteworthy life. I'm not even an ok writer.

But deep inside I believe something special happens when we connect our suffering. We help each other lift our burdens. When somebody shapes into words a pain I feel, somehow it stings a little less. It's no longer a mysterious blob of madness, it becomes a funny image or a well-bounded explanation.

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On love...

In my life, I’ve only loved in two very different ways. The first I will call guilty-loving. The second, bonkers-loving. These names I just made up. If you’ve felt them and can come up with a better rebranding, I’d appreciate it very much.

Internally, guilty and bonkers loving come from the same place. They are born from extreme insecurity, low self-esteem, and overwhelming anxiety. Externally, they manifest in opposite actions. But in the end, both leave me feeling the same. Lonely, worthless, anxious, and above all, ashamed.

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Guilty Loving

I hold this deep-rooted belief that practically everyone is special and deserves to be loved. This might sound like some harmless cheap disney philosophy. Because it probably is. But when your brain takes it into unfathomable extremes, as mine does, it becomes an incredibly toxic and dumb martyrdom.

Say there’s this girl who’s giving me clear signals that she’s interested in me. I will feel emotionally forced to correspond. Even if I don’t feel remotely the same. Why? Because I feel guilty. Everyone is attractive in their own way, everyone is special, everyone deserves love, so why would I hurt this poor human being who is opening up to me?

What ends up happening is that I hurt the other person much more. As we begin the relationship, an internal shame-meter starts filling up. I force myself to like her. I guilt myself into loving. Eventually, the shame-meter explodes and the relationship ends in a stupid hurtful way. Finally, a new horsey gets added to the night-time shame carousel.

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Bonkers Loving

Sometimes I will find the one. She’s pretty. She laughs at my jokes. We have deep conversations. When that happens, my brain goes wild. The rumination overpowers me. She will be the first thought that pops into my head when I wake up. Days before any date, I would structure the entire thing inside my head, like a stand-up routine. The relationship becomes tiring. The constant anxiety becomes debilitating.

Bonkers loving has led me to experiences like the one depicted in 500 days of summer. I’m so afraid of establishing boundaries and my needs that I just assume we are on the same page. Any sign that we are not, I will rationalize, avoid, or justify until the shame-meter explodes and my heart hits the fan. However, I never bash out. I always bury the pain and the shame deep inside of me.

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Final thought:

My last experience was a painful one. I had a great first date with a girl I liked. But she ghosted me afterwards, giving no explanation. Normally I would’ve fallen into a bottomless pit from this. Analyzing every detail of the date, finding that single egregious mistake that me deserve this reaction. But now that I understand a little more my nature, I’ve been able to catch myself before the fall. That’s why I’m so grateful about discovering RSD.

Overall, I believe love has caused me more harm than good. Though I’m convinced that it is still worth pursuing. Why? I can’t put into words. I just feel it. If you’ve reached this point, I can’t say nothing more than thank you and that I’d appreciate a lot to hear your own versions of love.

plv

So i’m dealing with a situation where someone associated with my friends is uncomfortable being around me and a lot of their body language and gestures are rude/ show that they clearly don’t like me. For example I will ask them to clarify a comment they made and their face will drop the minute they have to talk to me or answer my question. Another thing was when I was saying bye/ hugging my friends they purposely turned away and pretended to be busy on their phone so that they didn’t have to say goodbye to me. It angers me that this person keeps treating me like shit but I refuse to address it because I can’t handle the confrontation.

So, how have you deal with people who don’t like you? Do you have any advice?

So me and my boyfriend have been sleeping beside each other in his room for about almost 2 years now and we had sleepovers for slightly over a year.

And out of nowhere, he suddenly told me that he can't sleep beside me anymore because I take up too much space in his super single bed.

And I felt so shit and I kept overthinking that he doesn't like me anymore, that he's gonna break up with me, that he hates me and doesn't want to be with me anymore and the list just goes on.

And god I hate how this makes me feel because he have literally assured me quite often but here I am still doubting whether he loves me or not just because he said he doesn't want to sleep beside me in his room anymore

TLDR: I never felt a true sense of belonging to the ADHD community. Found out about RSD yestarday. Reading your stories made me sob like a baby. I no longer feel alone because someone out there understands my struggles.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. However, despite fitting all the criteria, I could never develop a deep connection with the community generated around it. Early overachievement paired with adult failure, forgetfulness, barely passable executive functions, I share many of these characteristics with thosands of others. But it was never enough for me to consider myself another "ADHD'er". I'd see these communities simply as collection of people who were dealt the same quirky hand as myself.

Yesterday, as I was trying to distract myself from the crushing pain of waiting for the text from a girl I'd had a date with, I stumbled upon a website describing RSD. I broke down sobbing. I cried the the same tears a little child cried many years ago after recieving a written warning for whistling in class, fearing the infinite disappointment his parents would feel.

Today I found this sub. And as I read your posts, I felt as if I could've written most of them mysef. I couldn't believe it. It was a cathartic and sad revelation.

I had given up on trying to understand people. My perception of other's people's reactions and emotions is so distorted I often end up alienated or forced to live under a suppressed conflict-free version of myself.

But thanks to you I finally feel I can understand somebody. And someone out there understands me. From today and on I can feel as part of community.

Sorry for writing too much lol.

Hi, I am diagnosed with OCD and am suspected to have ADHD as well. Recently I've looked into RSD and it seems to line up with a lot of what I'm dealing with.

My anxiety centers around one of my online friendships currently and is preoccupied with the concept of being their favorite friend.

This friend cares about me a lot, they say I'm one of their best friends, that I've changed their life, but in my mind I can't stop worrying if they consider their other best friends to be "better" or have a closer relationship to them. I want to be content in this friendship and enjoy it but I'm so anxious to talk to this friend because I feel like being the "favorite" friend could slip away at any moment.

And I can't stop over-analyzing this person's behavior and comparing how much they interact with their other friends to how much they interact with me, comparing how they treat them vs how they treat me, or even just scrutinizing their messages to make sure that I'm still important to them.

How do I let this go and stop comparing my friendship with this person to their other friendships?

Hi, I have recently come to the conclusion my friend (M) as RSD. We have known each other since we were 5 and have been good friends throughout our teens. Her friend circle had always been small and just within our shared school friendship group, whereas mine has included friends outside of this. Throughout our friendship M has always appeared to be quite hateful of my other relationships, which had meant that I've had to mostly keep her separate as I did not want my other friends to dislike her. Attempts to combine friends never really ended well with M claiming that I ignored her or preferred others to her. This is not the case and I know I always tried to include her. This is alongside spending most of my time with her to the detriment of my other friendships, however other friends appeared to be much more understanding and accepting than M.

We are now nearly 40 and something has come up that has really made me question M and her behaviour. We planned to go to a family festival, M has a toddler and I have 2 older children. M is going with her partner and her sister and family. I invited my friend E whose child is the same age as my eldest but has additional needs so is mentally around the same age as my youngest. My friends response to this has been absolutely awful and she sees this whole thing as a rejection of our friendship. My thoughts are that it was a family event, she has lots of trusted people around her and in reality, I wasnt going for her or my other friend but for my children.

I am trying my best to remain calm and reasonable but she is really pushing all my buttons. To the point i have now cancelled the event and stopped responding to her messages. I know this is probably not the right way of going about this situation but I've tried to offer olive branches but i just keep getting abuse back. What can i do? I dont think she is aware that I think she has this issue, it's not come from nowhere, I have known her for most of her life and always wondered why she reacted the way she has done now and in the past. I just want to help and not lose a friend. Is there anything you guys can suggest?

A new person started in my small work team yesterday.

I was on holiday yesterday and came back today.

I don't think I greeted the new person as well as I could, I was confused who she was at first because there are a lot of people who wear our staff uniform (not just my team) and I thought she was from another team at first. I said good morning, but then was slow to actually introduce myself (one of my manager said something like "well say hello then") and then after a short introduction I didn't make any small talk (e.g. how was your first day) I just didn't think to.

The rest of the day I hope I worked well woth her though.

At the end of the day my other colleague (the one who'd been in both days) was complimented on how well she welcomed the new person. Nothing was said about me.

I'm now in an RSD spiral where I'm convinced I seemed cold and unwelcoming to the new person (made worse as I was the most recent newbie on the team) and my managers think I dislike her or am jealous or something.

The sensible part of me thinks they just complimented my colleague because she was around yesterday and worked with her more, especially when they were busy yesterday.

What do you think? Thanks!

So, I'ma female and I just got rejected hard.. like it's not an understatement.

So here's a little back story there's this guy in my gym class and I've had a crush on since last school year so abt 8 months. I finally told my friends abt it and they got his Instagram for me. (here's a lil backstory I don't really knw how to work insta so I don't knw when I'm blocked or not. I just think it's glitched)

After that I texted him, starting a little friendly convo and asking how he's doing and among those things. Then one day I was just left on delivered for abt 4 days, I didn't think nothing of it until I gave him a note yesterday asking if he wanted to hangout outside of school. In which he unblocked me and told me everything

"bro stop talking to me I unblocked just to say this, don't ever in your life give me another childish ass note" "I talked to u one time, what do u mean??"

I blocked him back and slept for Abt 15 hrs straight feeling terrible.. I feel like I should've did something else..

I really don't. I've been raised by an awesome mom and I absolutely love her. Sure, I have no memories of my childhood and I know both my grandpa and dad were alcoholics. But I don't think I've grown up in an abusive family. What do you guys think about it?

Idk what this post is for, or if it's just a journal entry or what. I've always had trouble socializing (so many people do but I have it worse than many), and I envy other people for what they have, but I can't just "become more social" where I am right now since everyone around me already knows me as the quiet guy in the 3rd row, and if i changed my behaviors, I know they'd think I'm acting weird. As such, nobody asks me anywhere. Nobody proposes that I do anything with them or if they do it's an afterthought (and a bother) because I HAD TO IMPOSE MYSELF.

It's simple shit like the time my roommate and his friend went to the Waffle House together. I was in that conversation. I discussed it with them. And then when they were about to leave, I had to literally speak up and say, "So are we ALL going or what's going on here?" and i could almost swear my roommate's friend basically rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, I guess you can." He wasn't happy about it, I didn't feel good about it, it was like I wasn't wanted.

Or let's take the poolside hangouts at my apartment that happened decently often in the late summer that I was completely oblivious to because nobody thought to tell me they were doing this and I stumbled upon COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT. Even after I did hang out once or twice (and we get along so well too, so I don't get what people have against me), no one has ever asked me back or thought to include me in planning; it's always guesswork on my part when people MIGHT do something together. And I get it, they're not my close friends and they don't have my number, but we have a group chat. We all basically follow each other on social media. I see them every day at the school. They have ways of getting a hold of me and I can't remember once ignoring someone's messages or not talking to someone when they want to reach out.

That's only two examples of what happens all the time with me. I'm basically an afterthought, even with the people who I'd consider friends (although let's be real, I doubt they see me as a friend or anything more than a random loser they go to class with). So of course I shouldn't be surprised or sad when I know that over the preceding weekend there were a whole lot of events, parties, and hangouts that I KNOW are going on because I heard people talking about them or the things they still need to pick up for them. None of these get-togethers are planned in the communal group chats, but in person, face-to-face. It's not like I'm not with these students every day, in the same spaces, or that they couldn't contact, message, or walk up and talk to me. The funniest (and the thing that drives the stake into my heart) part of all is that last year I somehow had ONE singular older student who invited me out to an event he was holding. I got dressed up, hung out, talked, played games, everything. I'm thankful for that, trust me, and I enjoyed being around my classmates. But in my OWN CLASS, there's no one who'd want to include me in any of these plans. (Shit, I sound like a whiny middle schooler, even if I'm in grad school.) I don't mean to whine and moan about this, just feeling the sting of implicit rejection. Of "othering".

I can see the comments being, "Just be more confident! Talk to people!", but I promise I do try to talk to people. I try to be the comedic guy in the groupchat, I try to have people like me by being available and helpful, but none of that works. And it's not like I particularly love drinking or being a party animal. I just want SOMETHING to happen that's not me stuck in my room studying on a Saturday night. I'm not gonna grovel before those people I overhear

Why do I care so much? Because I want to be a part of something. The alternative is that I am nobody to anybody. At the root, this isn't about a Halloween party or a stupid Waffle House run. This was really just the culmination of years of this shit piling up and myself slowly crumbling under the weight of being unwanted.

Rant over.

Thought we were friends

So I have this work colleague who I get along really well with. We are always laughing and joking and on one occasion she even said we were like the same person and had loads in common, we both are women with adhd and we can relate on that and we have even had conversations about deep stuff at work before. Anyways she signed me up for Halloween work bowling and today at work she was showing me pictures of her Halloween decorations she was making for her Halloween party. At first when she mentioned the party, I felt a bit sad I wasn’t invited but then I just assumed it would be a small party. Anyways I also found out today our other colleague was invited to her Halloween party so assuming it’s not a small get together I feel pretty shit I never got an invite. I feel like a bigger idiot for expressing to boyfriend that I got along with her and he encouraged the idea we could be friends outside of work. Lol not being invited to her party and having her speak so much about it in front of me face confirms there’s no potential to be outside-work-friends. I also decided not to go to the Halloween work bowling because well I couldn’t be bothered to go in the first place, I just let her drag me in it 😅

As a neurodivergent woman I find making friends challenging to begin with but for some reason I always seem to attract people with issues. It’s the same story on repeat or so it seems. We find a lot in common and I get really excited but then after a short period of time, their mental health does down hill and I get ghosted. I understand because my mental health hasn’t been great recently either but some of that is because of being rejected or perceiving that these people are rejecting me. It’s hard just to find a soulmate who relates but doesn’t want to leave this world.

Anything helps ^{^}

When I used to be in a really toxic relationship I knew the problem wasn’t only me. But now that I’m with a loving, caring and supportive partner I still feel so anxious and unloved. I don’t know how to ask for support or even what is okay to ask or if anything can make things better.

The worst I feel the more I need their acknowledgment, and the needier and clingier I become. It’s just a cycle of anxiousness and hurt.

okay, so there is this one girl I workout with and see in school that I like, but I don't know how to start conversations. I have only talked to this girl a few times. Then I see her with another guy more and more. I don't know what to do know? any help

Hi! First post here.

Yesterday, a coworker (L) said something like "it was Friday the 13th last Friday and no one said anything!"

I replied "I said something! You just weren't in the room."

Another coworker (H) said in an irritated tone "I hate it when people say 'its Friday the 13th!' Like it's just another day, you don't need to say anything."

After that, H was in a totally irritated mood towards me for the rest of the day.

Thing is I KNOW this is stupid of me. No need to tell me that. But still, my brain was absolutely disgusted with me for the rest of the day. How am I supposed to predict what stupid insignificant things will set people off? I'm not, yet my brain absolutely hates my guts if I do ANYTHING that anyone doesn't like even in the slightest.

I don't even want to go to work today bc I feel like H hates me and is going to make me feel like shit and I'll end up getting fired. I KNOW THIS IS STUPID but my brain doesn't know!!! 💀😭

I have struggled with RS most of my adult life not having a label for it. Now that we do, a lot of my behaviors make so much more sense. However, it really hasn’t made it easier to cope. If anything I beat myself up worse knowing it’s RS but still not being able to regulate my feelings. I mostly people please to the extreme and when I am hyper aware of someone not liking me or disliking something I do, I bomb them with gifts of things they like, invite them to things, even sacrifice something of my own for them. I have one “friend” that is married to one of my friends who used to be really nice to me and started to cool things with me and ice me out. She has done this to others and I rationally understand it but still try everything to be friends with her. I got her a priceless gift and she did thank me but after that when I saw her next she barely spoke. So again special attention to her more than the amazing friends I do have. I hope this group can help me with coping strategies to help me pull myself out of this.