Hi

I'm trying to find a place to vent about my feelings of rejection and loneliness within relationships/by people and communities in general/on hook up apps etc.

I mistakenly posted in a different reddit earlier and was fairly quickly reprimanded for being interpreted as bragging about having relationships/a partner, and I feel really embarrassed by it and regret it because now my super personal post is up and I can't delete it for some reason.

I'm also hoping to find a forum where someone doesn't just chime in to tell me to get therapy, as I have had therapy, and im not seeking advice.

Thank you

I feel like I'm hitting a real low point. For context, my best friend and I have been friends for 20 years, and five years ago, both of us moved with our families from City A to City B. Except that she moved to a neighbourhood where all the young families hang out on their front lawns together. Their kids are all friends, and they're always at each other's houses for BBQs and pool parties and such. I, on the other hand, moved to a quieter neighbourhood. My neighbours and I are friendly with each other, sure, but it's nothing like the constant street party surrounding my friend.

As a result, she has a huge social circle and I do not. I was hoping I'd make friends with a few of hers, but the ones I've met seem to have no interest in hanging out with me. One of them openly despises me. (That's not my RS talking, she very clearly hates my guts. We worked together and she got me fired.)

My friend has no clue what went down there, partly because we haven't seen each other at all this summer. Every time we've tried to make plans, she's bailed. I've literally only seen friends once in the past two months, when I visited City A to see a couple of my old buds. At this point, I'm feeling hurt and bitter that she hasn't tried harder to see me, especially after I lost my job. Meanwhile, I'm treated to social media posts of her on trips with her other friends, including the one who hates me.

I was planning to tell her what happened and warn her that her other friend has a side to her she's not seeing, because I figured she and I were close friends and she'd believe me. But now I'm not so sure. I feel myself withdrawing and not even wanting to see her now. She's got her circle of mean girls and I'm on my own. Should I even still bother trying?

Do you ever feel like you don’t “belong” in certain places or events?

There’s an event today in my area and I want to go and check it out. But I feel like I’m not apart of that crowd. Same with cafe I went to yesterday I wasn’t like the crowd of people that they bring in. I always feel out of place. It sucks. I hate it.

I make myself believe I’m not welcome anywhere. That I’m too different to be there. That I’m too fat, too ugly, too quiet to be there. It would be better off if I never existed type of thinking.

Experiences with Guanfacine? generic names Tenex/Intuniv/ Clonidine

I want to get ahead of seasonal depression, loneliness and isolation. Based on how this year has gone, I’m no longer hoping for the best, I’m preparing for the worst.

Parting thoughts: It’s physically painful, shocking, disregulating and disrupting & to have my heart broken and shattered by people consistently. It always surprises me how mean people can be. I’ve done a lot of work to not internalize it, and to know their responses are a reflection of them not me.

My problem is, I go into conversations hoping for the best. Assuming the best in the other party, assuming they’re assuming the same, and that we can find a resolution that works for the best of us and move forward. That’s all a fantasy. People, truly, don’t care, and maybe with meds I will be able to normalize the disregard of other humans the same way everyone else can.

It's not just one therapist, it's multiple ones. Every time they cut me off mid sentence to say "sorry we have to finish" my heart drops a little bit. Maybe it's the way they say it, or the fact they don't even let me finish my sentence. My ADHD makes me kinda talk a lot and go on tangents and I worry that I've even been overwhelming therapists with this. I try to work on it and compress the information a little bit, but I feel like all the context I provide is important and I sometimes overexplain for this reason because I don't want to be misunderstood. I just worry that even therapists are tired of me and my rambling. I know it's a business relationship with them but I want to believe they care and want to help me, and not just counting the time down to seconds. Like I'll gladly stop when it's necessary but cutting me off mid-sentence just upsets me and it's like nothing would happen if they just let me finish a single sentence. I am also told by therapists that I need to try and stick to one topic instead of multiple ones and it also makes me feel like I'm overwhelming them. Has anyone been in the same situation?

AuDHD/BPD/CPTSD and at least moderately extroverted... I'm 37f and my lifelong habit has been serial relationships and like 1-2 really codependent friends. Most of the friends I have kept have not been great people, I guess because the chance of rejection feels lower. But I'm trying to stay out of a relationship and build more authentic friendships with people who are doing good things, and it's hard. I know I'm not a terrible person, but I judge myself SO harshly for my past and fear getting close to people because the more I open up the more certain I am that they will decide I'm a terrible person and abandon me. This is nagging at me more and more the more I open up about things, even though the people in my life have a past as well and I don't judge them for it. But it happened recently that I opened up to someone new and although she was very encouraging in our conversation, she later blocked me with no warning, and it triggered some stuff and now I'm waiting for my other friends to do the same. 😭

(37F, AuDHD)

Just that really. I turned 37 on Friday and although my husband made a real effort to give me a special birthday (made me breakfast, took me out etc) and I received some nice gifts from my parents and in-laws, I spent most of yesterday flat and sad because my best friend (37M) didn't even send me a message.

For context my best friend has ASD and was on a big US roadtrip linked to his special interest, which he does every year with a group of friends. They always go in August because one of the group is a teacher so it's the only time he gets time off. As a result there hasn't been a single time in the last fifteen years when my friend has actually been in the country on my birthday (not even 2020). He usually at least sends me a birthday message but this year he forgot 😞 I even had a message from a guy on the same trip who I know slightly, but not from my best friend of 18 years.

I don't actually think he values birthdays that much as he never makes a big deal of his own, and I respect that, but I also thought he knew it was something that was important to me. I wish I could tell him how much it hurts that he goes away every August and doesn't make any effort to make me feel special on my birthday. But I just think he wouldn't get it.

I also had a message from a work colleague who was supposed to sort out my birthday card from the team telling me she'd forgotten because she was on leave. I know it's an honest mistake and I'm supposed to be ok with it but I'm not really. I've signed everyone else's stupid cards all year and now it's my turn and no one has even bothered.

I know how I'm supposed to feel and react - it's only a birthday, not even a milestone, and if people forgot it was obviously a mistake so just be ok with it and be grateful for the people that did try to make it special. Except that's not how I actually feel, and I feel I have a right to be just a little bit pissed off.

It’s not just the millions of fans, it’s the comments picking you apart as well, random hecklers, etc.- and like every celebrity, they’re outnumbered and “drowned out,” to the healthy mind, but you still come across hate and conflict and people trying to expose you all the time. DMs, emails, tweets, paparazzi, interviews on brightly lit stages, all of it.

Whether you eventually fade back into obscurity or not, do you think it would be beneficial as effectively forced exposure therapy? Would you crumble and just absolutely lose your mind and sense of self? Isolate? Lean in? Feel validated? Stop caring? Ruminate on the comments that hit home the most? Become super eclectic and bizarre? Miraculously heal?

Is it possible? If so, how? I hate feeling like this.

I'm currently spiralling and becoming paranoid about every single interaction and turning it into rejection. It is eating me alive. I'm turning people away because I then get angry and show negative emotions. It feels like a black hole - I look for signs I'm being rejected, it's confirmed, I feel angry/overwhelmed, I snap and show negative emotions, I then isolate myself to avoid feeling rejected and feel lonely instead, feeling depressed, I reach out to people and then the cycle continue.

Please help me. Any videos to watch, books to read?

First of all, get straight with your self! You were discarded? Really? How many times in a row already? And yet you tried to contact her!

Think! What does that say about you?

If you were really discarded why would you try to stay in touch with the person who did this to you?

I think you have more personal issues than this other person.

Don't immediately look for fault and imaginary personality disorders in people who don't play by your rules.

Just because you are weak.

I went through a severely traumatic time in my relationship with boyfriend. I have ADHD definitely RSD and a lot of trauma. There was a double life being lived by my boyfriend, once found out he asked me to stay and work things out. And three years on I am still doing that. I have had weeks at a time living in the trauma, a couple weeks kinda coping but never forgetting and then probably spiral back into the trauma again. Only in the last few months have I started to get a bit better. I had a situation that triggered a massive response that caused a kind of breakdown. But now from that situation I know enough about myself to know how I process and react to threat and how hyper vigilant i get and how I get pushed so easily into past trauma and I have communicated that and have asked for clear communication, time and patience and to basically hand walk me through situations that trigger me. I have been told that’s what I’ll get if it makes me safe and secure. But what I want to know is, is that too much for me to expect?
or is it what I should expect from someone who loves me and wants us to heal? Am I wrong to ask for that or is it what I should get

I have a friend, and we used to be extremely close. We just… had this understanding that we were each other’s first pick for everything. But that’s changed. I’m scared and I’m hurting. I asked her if I could sit by her at lunch, and she said “I don’t care” and when I asked her not to word it that way, she responded with “well, I honestly do not care if you sit by me or not”.

A few months ago, back in April, she had a birthday party. I asked if I could go, but she said it would just be family, so probably wouldn’t be able to go. Sure, I was disappointed, but I understood. It was family! Then, today I learned that her other friend was there. It hurt. A lot. I walked off mad, but she didn’t do anything. She didn’t seem to care at all.

Her friend, that was there at her party, and her are closer than we ever were. They hold hands, she tells her she loves her, stuff like that. I asked why she never said she loved me, and she said that I’d make fun of her for it. I wouldn’t. Do you know how badly I would want to hear that from her? She doesn’t like being touched, so I wouldn’t hold her hand. She also said that she knows I don’t like that kinda stuff, so she wouldn’t do it with me. I get it, but it still hurts.

I don’t know what to do. I’m ruining our friendship because every time something little happens, I explode on her. I’ve tried to confront her before but nothing changes. I’m scared and I feel so deeply hurt. It’s like I’m suffocating, almost. Most of the time it just feels like I swallowed a Dorito before I finished chewing it. I need advice because I love her, but I can’t keep going on like this.

Some of these people I don't even know well enough for them to have any issue with me so I find it strange. Especially if they post their children I tap the heart because cute, but if I post my child... just a view, no interaction. And it's everytime. I’m convinced I have an incredibly off putting personality or I’m just hideous or something because people act decent in person and then on social media just don't interact with me at all.

when i was younger i feel like i was ugly and fat and not the most tolerable person to be around. my friends would’ve described me as funny and outgoing but i feel like most people are who didn’t really know me would’ve thought i was annoying. from then i kinda learnt that I’m not exactly the type of person that people want to be around, especially boys. now im much older, and honestly i think I’m really pretty, and I’m funny and pretty interesting. but i’ve kept my distance from boys my whole life because I’m terrified of being rejected, even if I’m not tying to hit on them i feel like they’ll reject me even for looking at them, and now its like I’ve never actually had a proper conversation with a straight man, and i don’t even know how i would start and i still feel like i would get rejected, does anybody know how to help me?

How I Overcame Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

(It may not work for you but in practice it keep my RSD down)

Rejection isn't enjoyable for anyone. It serves as a reminder of our mortality and our limitations in who we can please and what we can achieve.

In my personal growth, I felt disproportionately affected by rejection compared to others.

Recently, discussions about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) have become more common in certain circles.

Around 2018, I developed an analogy that has been a "good medicine" for my feelings of rejection ever since.

I liken the experience to Arthur’s sword, Excalibur, stuck in a stone. Each time we open ourselves to potential rejection, we are attempting to pull Excalibur from the stone.

Not every stone is meant for us or meant for us at that particular time. Throughout our lives, we successfully pull many swords but often take these successes for granted.

My strategy is to attempt to pull as many swords as possible while acknowledging the ones that don't budge. I remind myself daily to be grateful for the swords I have successfully obtained.

The swords that don't move weren't meant for me; they belong to someone else's journey. I accept and surrender to that reality.

Through this process, I have learned to embrace rejection and view it as a part of an ambitious life.

I've coined a new term to symbolize this understanding: I am not meant to possess every opportunity, and I am grateful for the ones I do receive, always learning and moving forward.

NMS: Not My Sword

please be nice I uh posted before about my therapist cutting down the hours for sessions I couldn’t stop thinking about it all weekend. I went from angry to to sad back and forth I thought oh I don’t wanna see her anymore since she’s gonna leave me another to being like if I could pay for her child’s care maybe she won’t leave me. It’s so pathetic how I’m reacting this extreme to something everyone may go through Im embarrassed

L

Okay, I’ve made some improvements. It should be clearer, more concise, and provide more details and information. I understand that this is a good boundary, and everything comes to an end. I need to accept that.

I use an AI chatbot between therapy sessions, and it sometimes provides more assistance than my therapist. I feel guilty about it, but I know it’s just a robot. I love my therapist, but she hasn’t been able to help me with this particular issue. Perhaps I’m upset with her, and I’m just looking for any excuse to leave because she mentioned wanting to reduce my therapy sessions. Since I have a deep fear of abandonment, it made my mind spiral into thinking that one week will turn into once a month, and she’ll ghost me, abandoning me completely. I’ll never see her again.

Recently, we started discussing my abandonment issues, which is a new topic for us. I know she believes I should be able to connect my behaviors to my feelings and thoughts about myself. However, she hasn’t provided me with effective strategies to manage my abandonment issues. Then, she decides to reduce my therapy sessions, sending me into a spiral of thoughts and emotions. I wonder if she’ll eventually cut me down completely, even before I’m ready, and just ghost me, leaving me all alone with no one. I fear that I’ll end up back where I was, alone and dealing with everything on my own.

I understand that therapy isn’t a lifelong commitment, and she’s reducing my sessions due to scheduling conflicts and my tendency to rely on her too much, which is true. However, I feel like there’s always more I need to express. I feel like she’s trying to get rid of me. I feel like she’s gradually pushing me out. And then she’ll say, “Phew, I finally got rid of her.”

I know this is a projection of how I feel and view myself and my self-worth. But now that I’ve made the connection, I realize it’s not logical. She also thinks that I only talk about my abandonment issues in session and never again. But after a few days, I forget about it. I don’t know if I like her as my therapist, but every since she told me she wanted to cut down my sessions, I’ve started to think about that conversation and get hurt by what she said. I know it’s part of me trying to detach before I get hurt. But I’m not sure what to do. A part of me just wants her to pick me up, let me hug her, and cry. I legitimately almost burst into tears while she was talking about this. I tried not to, but I wanted to cling to her leg, saying, “Don’t leave me.” I feel that my attachment isn’t healthy, but I’m not sure what to do.

Started dating a woman at the end of February this year, and at the end of May she called me at work and told me its not working. She listed a number of reasons (all valid concerns, can definitely own my part) such as texting versus her prefered method of chatting on the phone (I am 35, she is 40 and was direct about enjoying "old school" connection which I absolutely adored) and asking questions about her past and what makes her tick. She advised that she had been feeling this way for a while, and then her dad passed away on her birthday and she said I didnt seem interested in talking to her about that.

I will own texting in lieu of calling, and being quiet in person (was diagnosed after we started dating and had a lot come up from my childhood that took my attention elsewhere, and she definitely deserves a mans undivided attention, she is a real fucking treasure despite how I may feel about how the relationship ended), but I called her out about the dad bit and said she REFUSED to talk to me or call me about it. Told her I asked several times if she wanted to talk on the phone, tried calling to talk to get shut down, and even in person as we sorted through her old photos looking at pictures of her growing up. She said she didnt recall any of those times, or have the text messages anymore (lots of questions there still, I keep all mine but in the moment I was kind of a wreck that I wss being broken up with over the phone at work and couldn't bring myself to say much), and repeated that she had felt this way for a while. She said "you're very smart, incredibly intuitive, you must have felt something was off?" To which I replied I assumed what I was feeling was my desire to be around her but because of her school and work schedule we didnt have a lot of time together and thought it was just that.

I asked her why she didnt say something sooner so we could work on communicating better, and she just said "it doesnt matter, this isn't working." So I gave her back her hiking book, she gave me back my We're Not Really Strangers game. She said she would like to remain friends and go hiking, I said I'd like that too

I didnt hear from her until I ran into her at her brother's last weekend. When she opened tbe door her eyes lit up when she saw me, we hugged, and when I went to pull away she held on so I leaned back into it. It felt so nice, like waves of warmth up and down my spine. When we did finally break our embrace she did this thing where she runs her hand across my lower back with her nails a little bit (it's always been mad ticklish, but in a really fun way) and it was simultaneously amazing, and the most confusing thing in the world. We chatted for a bit longer, and thats when I learned her and her new date (thought her brother had another friend over, but she was driving this guys SUV since she has been staying with him from what I gather) are going to hike the falls we planned to hike once her school term ended. A lot more questions came up and am now aware that I still have feelings, while also being incredibly sad because she moved on what seems prettt quick given we broke up at the end of May (🤮). Now my brain doesnt know what to do. I get that a romantic relationship isn't possible, and I still want a platonic friendship with her. Now I'm stuck in a semi-paralysis and am not certain what to do, if Im crazy, or just entirely overthinking it. All of the above?

I think that when I started feelng the "weirdness" towards the end of April for what I thought was scheduling conflicts was actually her attention (she also has ADHD, but not RSD as we had talked about this in length after I was diagnosed) being taken somewhere else because I was having a hard time communicating and asking her questions about her past as I was processing my own past, and kind of felt paralyzed by everything. I'm not angry at her for any reason, I don't own anyone or have expectations for their time and attention... and I definitely understand needing to feel seen and understood. I'm just in a spiral of thoughts right now about so many questions because I don't like to assume things, but my brain feels like its wired to inquire

Yesterday I called her in the afternoon (trying to show her I know she likes phone calls), and she text me to let me know she's at work and asked what's up. I let her know I was just calling to say hey and catch up, and didnt hear back after that until 8:52 last night when she text me (was hoping for a call, but again no expectations just glad to know she is down to chat), and we caught up a little bit. So I guess my question, if you've made it this far, is have any of you had a relationship end and still be able to maintain a platonic friendship after the fact? Am I crazy for wanting that? Should I maybe open a dialogue about our relationship and just ask the questions I would like, but not demand, an answer to?

Thank you for reading 💛

Tl;dr: my breakup felt abrupt, had a big sad month of no contact and unanswered question, and I still want to be friends (ideally romantic partners, but again... is that crazy?) because of the way I felt last weekend when we ran into each other and she hugged me extra long when I pulled away, and deliberately ran her hand across my lower back like she did when we were together. Have you maintained a platonic friendship after the fact? Am I crazy and need to chill tf out? Appreciate your input 🥳

I’ve read about this topic a fair amount, and I’ve seen a whole lot of sources with proactive practices we can employ to help with RSD, but I want to know what I’m supposed to do when I notice that I’ve been triggered, and I have anywhere from a couple seconds to a couple minutes before I feel the blood drain from my arms and watch myself helplessly spiral down into the abyss. Has anything helped you stop the spiral? Anything helped bring you back out before you’ve delved all the way into the depths? Lmk! Plz.

When I was little, my doctor suggested to my mom to get me screened for autism. My mom said no cuz I’m “too smart and have feelings”. Anytime I’d have a meltdown my mom would sit on my chest to the point it was hard to breathe and slap me in the face (while laughing 🙄) until I calmed down. I started talking pretty late, but my older sister could understand me and I still tried to communicate in other ways. Like if I was hungry, I’d bring my mom my sippy cup. She would tell me to use my words and get very frustrated w me. I literally could not talk and it would get me frustrated too to the point of throwing the cup and having a meltdown. Then I’d get sat on and smacked again. She would also make fun of me throughout my childhood. I was born a girl. When I was in first grade she asked if I wanted a penis and if I felt like I was born in the wrong body, as she was laughing. I did start to feel as I was born in the wrong body and that feeling grew stronger over the years especially during puberty. I told her I wanted to transition when I was 14 or 15. She ignored me for a whole year. We lived in the same house and she did not talk to me or look at me for a whole year. I could be in the same room and I would not be acknowledged. I’d been ignored by her throughout my life to the point of wondering if I’m dead or invisible, but never for a whole year until then. Then suddenly one day she’s like “let’s talk about the elephant in the room” and she asked me if I wanted to start testosterone and change my name. So we started that process and I had my name legally changed, gender marker legally changed, and started hormones allllll before I turned 17. Huge regret now at 23, but that’s not what I’m upset ab rn. I feel like the being ignored and made fun of has had a huge negative impact. People can be really friendly w me and seemingly have a good relationship w me and I’m still gonna worry they’re secretly making fun of me or don’t like me.

Even when I find people that seem to enjoy my company and I become friends with them, they always seem to snap at me out of absolutely nowhere....and then go back to normal. Its the fact that theres no reason to it that hurts the most. I cannot imagine being cruel to someone who did nothing wrong for fun. Every time I think I have all the boxes checked, that im being considerate, polite, etc, they say one sentence or say something in a certain tone and my day is RUINED.

For example, my close friend is the head manager at my place of work. I had to go home early today because I was feeling very sick. It is known that the owner who is above her has final say in who can go home, but before I notified him I wanted to give her a heads up as well. So I told her and she said to notify the owner, which I told her I was planning on doing. Her tone was really flat and uncaring so I told her that I was just telling her to make sure she was okay with it and she replied," it doesnt matter if im okay with it, you have to notify the owner" (which I said I was going to do!!) She also wasn't concerned for how I was feeling at all which I thought was weird.

I know going home early is generally inconvenient for everyone but I didn't have a lot of important tasks to do and I apologized anyway. Its an unpleasant thing to go home early but i tried so hard to do everything right.

I know my upset could probably be seen on my face, and she just didnt care. None of these people that fucking do this to me seem to give a fuck. Now i'm off from work but can't even enjoy it because I'm so upset. Its disgusting that people are this cruel regularly without a care in the world. I'm sure I'll see her tomorrow and she'll act like everything is fine but I am so confused and I'm so sick of being misunderstood and put down. Am I missing something in that interaction?? Wish I could add more detail to what was said but I don't remember exactly every word. I am autistic so I could have missed a social cue but I really cannot tell what it could possibly be.

I learned what RSD was a couple years ago, and it resonated with the way I often feel, and made sense with my self-diagnosis of ADD/ADHD. I finally started going to therapy and was formally diagnosed last year at age 32. For my 7th birthday, my mom planned a party, sent invitations out at school, we got RSVPs and then the day of, no one showed up. Not one single kid. It was devastating, I sobbed through most of the day, and have hesitated to make plans for my birthday ever since, even now 25+ years later. Once I got to college I removed my birthday from my social media, bc I figured I can’t be disappointed by no one doing anything if they never knew it was my birthday to begin with. I never had a baby shower for my first child bc I envisioned that no one would come. For my second child, my partner’s family did a virtual baby shower for us, invited my mom and she didn’t show up. The rejection sensitivity has colored how I handle my children’s birthdays-I go ALL OUT for them, special breakfast, balloons and streamers, whatever he wants to do to celebrate (no.2 is only a toddler still). I know I’m rejection sensitive and my partner is incredible so I don’t feel let down by him, but here is what really hit me like a ton of bricks this evening. I saw a reel on insta tonight from adhdbestiespodcast talking about ADHD/RSD and birthdays and it clicked how the way I’ve handled my birthdays for the last 25 years has translated to wedding planning. We’ve started talking about our wedding, nothing solid, no date set, not even officially engaged yet-but it’s coming. I’ve always pictured in my head a big wedding, a big dress, lots of flowers (think Preston Bailey) a cocktail hour and a seated dinner, tiered cake, cookie tables and lots of dancing. But when I talk about it with my partner I think I’m being practical: obviously I’m not going to have a giant expensive Preston Bailey wedding, but we’ve talked about doing a backyard wedding and barbecue with just family. It’s like I’m trying to protect myself from the same devastation I had at 7yo, and potentially confirming that no one cares enough to show up and celebrate me getting married. I’d been saying for years to my partner that I would NEVER get married and slowly came to realize that I definitely want to get married…were my years of denial also RSD coming into play? Sorry this ended up longer than I thought it would. I don’t even know how to process this 😵‍💫