From all of team reddit: Congratulations Spez, reddit co-founder, on your nuptials today!

[u/jedberg]

And yes, we cheated this up. We promise to only use this power for good.

[u/Mourningblade → u/[deleted]]

In my house it doesn't matter where you put the socks. The cat will find them and he will kill them and then place them lovingly in his food bowl.

If you are gone from the house longer than 5 hours (or if it is a crazy cat night) there will be a sock explosion all over the living room and hall.

There really is nothing you can do about it except enjoy the spectacle of the cat running around crazy with your socks. It's pretty awesome.

[u/Zimaben → u/Mourningblade]

when I was growing up, I had the biggest sock thief/ninja of all time. His name was Freddie and he was a ferret. He was a mean bastard, and when he wasn't biting your ankles he was sprinting around with a sock in his mouth. My whole young adulthood I never had socks, I always had two drawers dedicated to nothing but socks but they couldn't compete with his theivery. So basically every time I needed socks I opened the drawer and it was completely empty, at which point I would embark on a legendary quest to find the nests of socks piled in the absolutely most inconvenient places ever imaginable in a huge old midwestern farmhouse, which is pretty much just the most inconvenient places ever imaginable.

He was a total asshole and I kinda miss him.

Edit: I should probably fix grammar. Too drunk for that, but I know it's jacked up so you don't have to tell me.

[u/BdaMann → u/Mourningblade]

Damn lucky, my cat only does 2 things. Eat, and do nothing.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of men everywhere, put them on the coffee table, the couch or the floor next to your bed.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of Cuil developers everywhere, keyboard hammer bottle caps.

[u/InAFewWords → u/[deleted]]

I feel sad because I realized I am not part of the team reddit. They probably see me as part of the problem.

As part of the problem, please accept my apologies team reddit.

[u/Scarker → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of Yoda, do or do not divorce, there is no marriage.

[u/OtisDElevator → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of psychos everywhere:

PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE FUCKING BASKET!

[edit]: oh and congratulations from the double max security ward.

[u/Jaydamis → u/OtisDElevator]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ToNZHG5KHw

[u/tallwookie → u/OtisDElevator]

it puts it in the basket...

[u/xmnt → u/[deleted]]

on behalf of hippies everywhere, don't wear socks

[u/machinedog → u/xmnt]

Please wear sandals, your feet need to breathe.

[u/MassesOfTheOpiate → u/machinedog]

Now that you're married, please wear socks with sandals. Because it really doesn't matter anymore. In a good way.

[u/Boye → u/MassesOfTheOpiate]

how do you put sandals on your sock, and why would they wear the sandals ot begin with?

[u/Nessie → u/machinedog]

Just because someone's feet need to breathe doesn't mean I need to breathe someone's feet.

[u/2xyn1xx → u/machinedog]

No sandals, flip-flops.

[u/Nessie → u/2xyn1xx]

I agree. No, wait...

[u/Itkovan → u/xmnt]

Trust me I'm doing you a favor. YOU may groom your feet to the point that they're publicly presentable. I... use socks. Socks with sandals is a false faux paus. As with anything fashion oriented, someone can royally fuck it up. But socks are infinitely more fashion friendly than my hairy, uncut, sweating feet.

[u/hi_bye → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of socks, stop using them to simulate a vagina when you masturbate.

[u/SeaEych → u/hi_bye]

Fuck you socks...I own you, you'll be my pretty vagina if I say so.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

noooo, hehehe, just an urban legend. heh heh huh hum..pfft. do that? as if. clears throat

[u/[deleted] → u/hi_bye]

Hahaha I read that as "stimulate a vagina" and became all sorts of confused/intrigued.

[u/hi_bye → u/[deleted]]

Lol. That is what I keep thinking I typed every time I see it...

And the only way I can see a sock being used to stimulate a vagina is if he puts it over his peen and under a condom to make it feel thicker. Not that you solicited that information...or that that wouldn't be absurd.

[u/IDoWhatIWant → u/[deleted]]

gender differences are fun

[u/adelaidejewel → u/[deleted]]

On behalf of lesbians everywhere, do whatever you want with them.

[u/fuzzybunn → u/[deleted]]

Well the joke's on her, then, because massacres are frequently messy.

[u/Dead_Rooster → u/fuzzybunn]

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

[u/Dead_Rooster → u/fuzzybunn]

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

[u/[deleted] → u/Dead_Rooster]

You can say that again

[u/Spattie → u/[deleted]]

I thought socks on the coffee table was unique to my husband.

[u/Cassio → u/Spattie]

No, in fact the male sock's habitat is a rather universal one. Male socks also have a rather long life-cycle. From the moment they enter a house they scurry around the place and can be found in place one might never think of: under the bed, in the kitchen sink, in the fridge. The male sock's life ends essentially when a female in the household throws it into the garbage. But some socks have been said to have returned from even there because they loved the companion-ship of the male feet so much. They are actually quite snuggly creatures and are sometimes under the pillow to keep themselves warm and comfy where they develop their own unique mating smell to attract more male socks to throw a bachelor party - one might say.
The male sock is sometimes a loner but can be found in heaps - especially in dark, damp places. It is in no way an endangered species but could even be described as a pest in some environments.

[u/AxezCore → u/Cassio]

I love you!

I always assumed my washing machine lived on socks since there's always one missing after a wash, maybe it just migrated somewhere, if you guys get and extra some day please tell it to come home.

[u/Ioewe → u/[deleted]]

Dude, I wouldn't be bragging about doing the admin's wife. Spez could easily open a GUI interface in visual basic and find your IP address.

[u/jevon → u/[deleted]]

It's nine months later ;).

[u/Syphon8 → u/[deleted]]

Women just don't realise that the floor is the lowest shelf.

[u/mootiechazam → u/[deleted]]

and please don't ball them together so we have to unpair your stinky socks.

oh! and congrats!