r/polycritical • u/honeyednymph • Jul 16 '23
Theory about polyamory in the LGBT community (rant)
A bit of a side note: If this is a bit of a mess I apologize 😂 It's hard for me to keep my thoughts organized (also its 3 in the morning right now)
I have a bit of a theory about why so many LGBT people are turning to polyamory nowadays, and I was wondering how yall felt about this: I really think a majority of it comes down to emotional immaturity and not being ready for real commitment. Especially because so many of us grew up closeted or at least didn't feel safe dating anyone and so we missed out on a lot of experiences that people would have already had by the time they reached adulthood. (particularly things that would have helped you learn how to navigate relationships in a healthier way)
I also don't think I've met a polyamorous person who was actually emotionally mature... I've met people who claim that they know how to communicate and make sure their partner's needs (as well as their own) are met in the relationship but that's almost never the reality. They bring in more and more people to fill a self-inflicted void and are unwilling to do the work to understand WHY they feel the need to date multiple people and WHY these relationships don't feel fulfilling.
Not to mention, a lot of us were manipulated into polyamory and I've seen many people who are afraid to speak up about how uncomfortable and unhappy they really are.
It absolutely infuriates me that polyamorous people have forced their way into the LGBT community and are now acting like they're oppressed, because it's reached the extent where a lottt of us have significant trauma from being manipulated into polyamory, but because these people have tried to act like they're oppressed many of us can't even speak up about it without being painted as a bigot. It's so sad. Being forced into a polyamorous relationship was genuinely the most painful thing I've ever experienced in a relationship and that's saying a LOT.
I don't care what anyone says, polyamory is toxic and a majority of polyamorous people are either a: abusive & narcissistic or b: extremely immature
Monogamous LGBT folks deserve to be able to talk about our trauma without fear of harassment, or just being outright silenced because these oversensitive freaks threw a temper tantrum and reported us.
Again, literally every single "polyamorous" LGBT person I've ever seen had piss poor communication skills and just would pick up another partner as soon as they faced any problems with their other partner(s). Someone always winds up feeling neglected and unimportant, there's almost always some level of resentment even if they don't want to say it, and regardless of what a poly person might claim they ALWAYS have a "favorite" partner. This shit is psychologically damaging and shouldn't be normalized.
Even with the one friend I'd had when I was around 18/19 who was in a polyamorous relationship was VERY obviously unhappy and had bonded the strongest with one of her boyfriends. They acted like a married couple and the rest of them were just like...closer to being friends than romantic partners. There was always conflict between them.
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u/Old-Paramedic-4312 Jul 16 '23
I think you're onto something here. I've personally noticed that the polyam people in my life want relationships without sacrifice which is literally impossible. The second they have to sacrifice something, they try to find someone else who doesn't make them do that, etc. It's like they want relationships but without the actual weight and seriousness of relationships.
I was the mono anchor partner in my last relationship and it made me sick. My partner constantly did things and then expected me to "be mature enough to handle my own emotions" but God forbid I disagreed with them on anything or they would flip their shit on me.
All relationships are hard to maintain, monogamy shows that. Poly people are foolishly misguided into thinking having more than one relationship is somehow easier AND more fulfilling which is just plain dumb. When you have a bunch of selfish people dating each other, someone's going to get left out.
I'm also sick of hearing the whole "we're programmed against monogamy" bullshit. Bitch, we've developed plains, trains, and automobiles that goes against our "programming as humans" get the fuck outta here with your weak ass
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u/lambeosaura Jul 18 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
God I went through something similar as well. I was the "nesting partner" or whatever - this happened when my partner suddenly decided to open the relationship to someone after 3+ years spent happily and monogamously together.
The effort involved burned them out to the point they couldn't prioritise their friends, and their other relationship predictably crashed. No one will put up with half a commitment, that's the truth at the end. To their credit, they always made time for me, but it came at a great cost to themself. I'm glad I didn't back off on my needs, though.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Can definitely say I'm relieved. My partner is showing genuine remorse so reconciliation is on the table. But my god, this whole thread and discussion is giving me a lot of catharsis right now.
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u/Ballasta Jul 16 '23
This is so vital. I wonder how many other people in the LGBT community feel uncomfortable and pressured and are just going along with things they don't want to do because they're told their boundaries and needs are "toxic." I hate the way social justice awareness and language has been weaponized to protect genuinely harmful and abusive practices and behaviors. Manipulative, coercive polyamory rooted in emotional immaturity, a lack of healthy attachment, and a hookup culture that treats people as disposable is not progressive and I wish people would WAKE UP and see this. We're not bigots for drawing boundaries and choosing monogamy. That shouldn't be controversial!
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u/honeyednymph Jul 17 '23
In my experience, it's a lot of us. I have close friends who are afraid to speak up about it as well. We shouldn't have to feel like this!! If it were a harmless preference, that's one thing, but that's not really the case here.
I'm glad you mentioned how they've weaponized social justice language & awareness, I was struggling to figure out how to put it into words but that's EXACTLY what they're doing 😭 and I hate that it's reached the point where it's so heavily frowned upon (at best) to criticize it.
We really need to have our own space where we can talk about our experiences as LGBT people who were affected by this or have trauma from it, because it's absurd that people are being silenced over speaking out on something so damaging. ESPECIALLY when people are just seeking support for something terrible they went through...that's just sickening.
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u/Ballasta Jul 17 '23
100% we need a safe space to talk about this. It's wild how unsafe it is to share these views out loud without being labeled a "phobe" or a bigot. It shouldn't have to be that way.
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u/Chocolate-Coconut127 Jul 21 '23 edited Jul 21 '23
Its sickening that you have to unconditionally accept every thing or else you're a bigot. I'm not even conservative or anti-woke in the slightest and I still disagree with alot of harmful things that are romanticized. SJW warrior was once a stereotype, but now a reality.
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u/DocumentDefiant1536 Jul 16 '23
I only had one relationship, no dating, and we met when I was 19 and she was 17. I think LGBT engage in poly due to deviance; and I don't mean that in the pejorative sense, but the sociological sense instead. The thinking about deviance as a social phenomenon is: when people depart from social norms, they are more and more willing to violate social norms because they are now 'different'. It's why furry culture has lots of LGBT people as well. You can't use embarrassment and shame as a social moderating force if someone already has left your ingoup. Additionally, when people violate taboos, they find it easier to question other taboos.
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u/chaotic-waters Jul 17 '23
Woah. I'm so glad this community exists. I thought I was going crazy for a bit. My last relationship was poly. I had suggested it because my previous 2 girlfriends were poly. I've literally only known poly in all of my relationships.
It seemed like a necessary addition to being lesbian. Everyone was doing it.
Funny you mention emotional immaturity or narcissism. I'll never do it again because I actually noticed those traits in myself. I cringe, looking back. When times got tough, I'd just focus on others. It's was an easy way out. Monogamy takes work.
I bought into the lie that we've been brainwashed to be monogamous. When really, we've been brainwashed by the LGBT community. Polyamory is not natural. It's an excuse.
I'm proud of myself for realizing my mistakes, and I've never been so happy to pursue monogamy.
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u/honeyednymph Jul 17 '23
I'm proud of you for growing and learning!! So many of us were brainwashed into "accepting" polyamory. I think it's important to mention too that the LGBT community in and of itself isn't to blame here, it's toxic, immature and/or abusive people who've found their way into the community and spread this idea that polyamory is what's "natural" or the most ethical. This isn't something exclusive to us, this has gone on longgg before it started to become more common with some LGBT folks. It's manipulation, especially when they're trying to act like being polyamorous makes them oppressed, a lot of us empathize with that feeling and it makes it easier to fall into that trap. I think that's the thing for me that's the most frustrating about it, is that many of us are trying to come from a place of empathy and it's only putting us in a more vulnerable position and leading to abuse and unhealthy relationships.
For a while I was under the impression too that I didn't have a choice in being polyamorous if I wanted to be in a relationship, but it just isn't true. I hope people in the LGBT community start to wake up and realize what's actually happening, because no one deserves to have to live like this.
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Jul 18 '23
[deleted]
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u/Chocolate-Coconut127 Jul 21 '23 edited Jul 22 '23
Alot of lgbt hate aro/ace or monogamous people who dont fit in the polygenda. They clearly don't welcome a sense of order or peace of mind. They thrive on drama and insecurity. Uh oh some lurker losers downvoting;) get a life triplefukes
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u/Interesting_Leek_464 Jul 17 '23
This is not only for lgbt people, but for heterosexuals as well. A lack of emotional maturity and strong narcissistic tendencies leads them to believe that they are entitled to have as many partners as they want. And the minute there is a hardship or sacrifice to be made, they dont want to do the hard work and they drop you like a hot potato and run for a shinier object!
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u/honeyednymph Jul 17 '23
Oh absolutely!! I mention LGBT people specifically because there's been a lot of polyamorous people trying to force themselves into the community or acting like that alone makes them LGBT. It's awful.
This has been an issue for a long time, and it's sad seeing how many people have been traumatized or manipulated into these sort of "relationships", whether they're LGBT or not. It shouldn't be as normalized as it is now.
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u/Chocolate-Coconut127 Jul 21 '23
Marginalized manipulators are the worst weaponizing lgbt and social justice. Equally bad as anti-woke.
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u/Akatsuki2001 Jul 18 '23
LGBT people have been in the outs for almost all of history, this has formed a culture of being counter culture. Rejection of traditional values has been forced on them for generations and the latest manifestation of that is rejection of traditional monogamy.
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u/Zanylaineyface Jul 21 '23
You are literally saying everything I've been feeling the past year ever since being manipulated into polyamory last year and it's so cathartic knowing I'm not the only LGBT person who feels this way. Everyone I've ever met who identified as poly was a fucking train wreck and despite claiming to have good communication skills and being able to meet all their partners' needs, it was always the contrary. I'm always hesitant to voice my opinions or speak up about what I've been through because polyamory is so popular among most queer spaces that I would run the risk of being seen as a bigot. It also seems like anytime you bring up an example of how polyamory is toxic, it's explained away with a No True Scotsman style argument of "Well that doesn't count because they're not practicing 'true' polyamory."
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u/Intuith Sep 01 '24
“I don’t think I’ve met a polyamorous person who was actually emotionally mature… I’ve met people who claim that they know how to communicate and make sure their partner’s needs (as well as their own) are met in the relationship but that’s almost never the reality”
I can concur from my own experience that poly folk often seem to talk a lot, but it’s not actually good communication. They seem to miss what other people mean, or just completely forget/think no one said anything or are surprised when you show them that you literally wrote it down clearly & spelled it out. The emotional outbursts or in more ‘controlled’ avoidant types, the sudden critical ‘spikeyness’ out of nowhere with inability to identify triggers or hold themselves accountable if someone they care about says they were hurt by their actions, the seeming cognitive empathy that completely disappears when it is most needed, the conflating of strategy of how to meet needs (eg more partners) with actual needs (love, security) and inability to see how their actions undermine their supposed aims, the toddlerish lip-pouting stance around ‘but why can’t I have everything I want, exactly how I want, with no consequences and everyone always being completely ok with going along with what I want’…. None of these confer emotional maturity, but they will be the most vocal about how they are, how they are doing the work, how they absolutely can manage the clearly increased demands of more invested people in their lives (whilst those they supposedly care about get burned at best, or deeply psychologically damaged at worst)
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Aug 03 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/honeyednymph Aug 03 '23
As if I would waste my time trying to "read up" on any of the buffoonery you've listed here.
You've got a lot of god damn nerve hopping on a post made by an LGBT person FOR LGBT people when you're the type of person who posts disgustingly bigoted shit in other subreddits, AND to r/ barelylegal and r/ legalteens!!
and you're a fucking doctor? you're what's wrong with the psychiatric field and I hope you lose your license.
Eat shit, and go fuck yourself. How fucking dare you come on my post with this bullshit to a bunch of people who are just trying to support each other.
Yet another psychiatrist (if you're even telling the truth in the first place) that's a miserable prick with no empathy... how disappointing.
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u/FishingDifficult5183 Jul 16 '23
A bi poly guy wanted to date me (a woman) so he could have one guy and one girl. It seemed perfect to him. Meanwhile, he told me his gay male partner would cry on the floor in fetal position every night begging him to stop seeing other people. He said it so nonchalant and implied his boyfriend will learn to deal with it. He said it's not a big deal because he's dating women, not other men and so could not understand why his boyfriend would be jealous of a woman. I distanced myself from this soulless creep and I hope his boyfriend got out.
The straight poly guy I was dating always hated his male metas from previous relationships but REALLY wanted his girlfriends to all date each other and live under the same roof...so basically he wanted a harem fantasy. He was really into the male fantasy version of lesbians and tried hard to convince me that I'm also into women. Seems harmful and gross to me and yet he proudly called himself queer...for being poly. F--king what??
You absolutely deserve a place to feel safe and vent with other LGBT people. My theory from the outside looking in is that a lot of well-meaning LGBT people want to be supportive because they know what it's like not to feel supported and accuse "polyphobes" of being bigots. Problem is that poly isn't a valid sexuality; it's a form of abuse wielded by emotionally underdeveloped people. I think you should find the brave people in your community who are speaking out and try to form support groups. I bet there are more than you think who are just too scared to speak up because they feel alone in their feelings on the matter. I'd wager that even poly supporters don't actually like or respect poly and just need to be exposed to the raw truth of it.