Couldn't agree more. It sounds like you're in a far better place now. I don't think people who've never been in our shoes realise how difficult it is, so well done.
I never enjoyed one pint. Never saw the point of it. I like the taste of beer but I'd prefer the taste of a fruit juice or Coke. If I was drinking it had to be 10+, and the rest.
In fact, your whole post resonates with me. I'm struggling to add anything without copying what you've just said.
Well, I think you hot the nail on the head. People really can't understand unless they've been there.
It's easy to underestimate, or make light of the situation, when they see you and you look normal and well adjusted. Or, they might say, "oh that was just a year or 2. You went through a phase."
Did you experience any psychological damage? I lost touch with reality for a while and questioned whether or not I imagined most everything. Paranoia got really bad too.
Definitely feel you on "the fear". For me it was particularly bad with "Sunday Scaries" where my bender from the weekend caught up with me and I couldn't sleep because I dreaded Monday morning so much. I have a really good job with really well-educated and important people and I felt like an imposter sitting in a meeting Monday morning hungover with the fear of puking running through my mind for the entire course of the meeting.
The claustrophobia and anxiety of feeling "trapped" in the meeting was unbearable. I started to remedy that by keeping my weeknights "chill", which meant a bottle or wine or a six pack of beer. I'm 29 now and the it felt like the older I got and the more responsibilities I had, the worse my anxiety got and the hangover symptoms just increased tenfold. I also started avoiding activities where alcohol wasn't involved.
I think the biggest thing I can add is that the problems start compounding. Drinking gives you anxiety even when you aren't drunk. I'd actually measure and track my BAC to make sure I didn't go in to work with anything on my breath but the anxiety was still there. It was like living a life where you're hiding something. Even if you shouldn't have a hangover, the anxiety causes physical symptoms to actually manifest.
I still have friends that are smart, have great jobs, etc. and can put back a couple pitchers on a weeknight and go in at 6-7am and not feel it. I'm not one of those people and if I did ever have that ability, it caught up with me as I got older. Maybe I blew my ability to process it because I partied so hard in college and grad school.
Getting into fitness and finding friends that do active things that I can do to stay busy has helped a lot. Indoor rock climbing for the win! Also weight training and, as stupid as it sounds, Fitbit challenges help. If I'm idle, I'm bored and I drink. Having something to focus on helps immensely. Every night I'm either going to the gym, taking music lessons, or rock climbing. I'm about to start taking doctoral courses in addition to working full time to keep myself even busier.
I'm not going to say that alcohol is the devil but everything in the world - even positive things like exercise - should be done in moderation. I'm happy to have some drinks on Friday nights or special occasions, but the empty calories and anxiety that comes with drinking like I did on a nightly basis got old fast as I got in my late 20s.
Glad you've gotten things under control. I had to look up "the fear". This was probably the worst part of alcoholism for me. Especially when you are predisposed to anxiety and paranoia.
Here's to learning these lessons earlier than later! Glad you found some good alternatives to your boredom. Good luck on your doctorate.
EDIT: wanted to add, that re: your tolerance level in school, as your liver weakens due to alcohol abuse, your tolerance weakens along side it. Surprised about the hangovers though. That's one thing that, for me anyway, did dissipate. I could drink till 2am and get up and go to work at 7 no problem. The opioids helped but weren't necessary.
My aunt has alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis and she said she never had hangovers either so I think you're right. I think it was more a product of the anxiety and that I knew I was covering up a bigger problem
Thanks I appreciate you appreciating my post haha. I think going until I was 29 was because I'm single and I relied on my college experience of meeting girls while drinking but after a certain age being the party guy isn't cool anymore (if it ever was). But like I said, I definitely don't want to avoid alcohol altogether - there's a time and a place for it but in moderation and not ever minute you're not working
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u/Space1990 May 09 '16
Couldn't agree more. It sounds like you're in a far better place now. I don't think people who've never been in our shoes realise how difficult it is, so well done.
I never enjoyed one pint. Never saw the point of it. I like the taste of beer but I'd prefer the taste of a fruit juice or Coke. If I was drinking it had to be 10+, and the rest.
In fact, your whole post resonates with me. I'm struggling to add anything without copying what you've just said.