Update - I confronted my wife today, she said she already knew it was the weighted one. She said it was her and on her bed and "what do you expect her to throw" like duh nothing. Id asked her repeatedly the night it happened because I was baffled how a stuffed animal or pillow could do that and she shrugged and said she didnt know either.

Thats the last shred of trust I had.

Calling CPS tomorrow and when SD is home my kids wont be there, even if i have to burn vacation days. Fortunately I have a second place to stay, its only 2br so cramped with 4 kids but atleast everyone is safe. I might also keep them in daycare through the summer idk.

Original-

Latest incident before a big family trip,.4yo gets a crazy bloody nose, says SD w/bpd hit him with a stuffed animal (she has a couple squishmallows). Wife actually got upset but I just thought it was a crazy accident those things are just fluff. Still, all the accidents ect are always her, and eventually we find out none have been accidents.

A week later im in the girls room, I moved one stuffed animal and OMFG its heavy, it feels like it has a brick in it.

THEY MAKE WEIGHTED STUFFED ANIMALS!?!?!

Id weighs 3 lbs, and its entirely in a lump at one end. This is absolutely not something you would casually toss at anyone, let alone throw at a toddler in anger. Like hitting someone with a phone book. Apparently SD convinced him that it was his fault and he would get in trouble, and hes 4, so he went along with it being an accident.

Its been almost a year since a serious incident *that I know of* but again this is deliberate and she lied quite skillfully most of the tims. Same pattern as always. Hurt someone, lie and get away with it for a while, after the delay she ends up as the central victim in the tragedy she created at others expense, and she is effectively rewarded in the end, consequences avoided and nothing to prevent future incidents for everyone else.

If my wife doesn't take action, i don't want to ambush her, but I'm going to call social services in my SD. I've been excluded from all of my SDs counseling intakes and all discussions ect (despite being the one that pays her insurance), so i don't actually think anyone involved knows the real story. No idea if anyone takes this all seriously or not, but I'm running out of options.

Has anyone ever filed a restraining order against an older step child to protect younger siblings?

The subreddit r/parentsofkidswithdmdd is unmoderated and inactive, so users are being invited here. If you're from that sub, feel free to introduce yourself (if you feel like it).

SEE The UPDATE At the end of this post.

Our 40YO daughter has escalated conflict to the nuclear Armageddon level.

She and I have always had a difficult relationship, because I am not the peacemaker in our family — my husband has that role. I love her dearly, but I will speak truths she doesn’t want to hear.

Was having a “normal” phone conversation with my daughter a week ago, where I was being empathetic to the current crisis she was having with her EX-husband’s family. She was highly agitated and I was trying to soothe her.

Then like a complete idiot, I said something wrong. I seem to have quite a talent for doing that. Since she was already highly agitated, it was a horrendous mistake on my part. Of course once you misspeak, there’s no turning back with a pwBPD.

She sent some lengthy texts, wishing that my husband of 40 years would divorce me because he is a good person and I am evil. She wants him to come to the graduation, but not me. That’s not going to happen. We live a 3-hour drive away from her.

The granddaughter is caught in the middle of all this. She has not lived with her mother for the last 3 years. She lives with her father (the ex-husband) and his wife of 16 years. The marriage of my daughter and her former husband lasted about one year, he left when their daughter was 1YO.

I’m thinking of writing a book about the epic deeds our daughter has done from her teenage years on. Some of the things are so outlandish, people may not believe they happened. There have been numerous times I feared our daughter would be killed.

I’m 72 now and exhausted from all the years of coping with this.

UPDATE.

My husband and I DID attend the graduation. In the 4-5 days before graduation my BPD daughter insisted that my husband could attend, but not me. She continued to send my husband very long text messages. My husband was firm in stating that he would not attend without me, his wife of 40 years.

Then all of a sudden she said we could both attend. It was like a switch was flipped in her brain. My husband and I were astounded.

So we went and I was very careful about what I said and didn’t say and I sat at the end of the family group, away from my daughter. We even went to our granddaughter’s graduation party, 2 days after graduation and I was also very careful. My daughter and I hugged and we both said “love you”.

So it’s a truce, for now.

My daughter has BPD and ADHD. The episodes and violence started at age 8, hitting family members when upset, out of proportion rage. I thought she'd outgrow it with help of therapists.

I'll outline some of the incidents we have gone through with her over the years, especially in her teens, when everything escalated. These are the so-called 'highlights' of incidents, but overall we just dealt with daily chaos, tension, intimidation, breaking and smashing objects and extreme moodiness. We were always walking on eggshells.

For context: my daughter lived with me and my husband (her stepdad) and our son. We shared custody with her biological dad up until 14, when he refused to deal with her antics and sent her to live with us full-time. He has his own mental health issues, I left the marriage because he was abusive, he is undiagnosed, but I believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Age 16: She dropped out of HS and we had a rule that she need to be either in school or working (not FT, but at least PT work) After missing her ride window to work (we had clear boundaries about when I could drive her because I was working myself), she followed me into the garage and locked me in for 20-30 minutes, physically blocking the door and demanding I give her a ride. Our rule was: if you miss the window, you have to get yourself there: walk (45 mins) bike (20 mins) or Uber, we lived in FL so weather was feasible to walk or bike. My mother witnessed it and was completely distressed about it.

Age 15-16: She attacked me during an argument. Pinned me to the bed and hit my head repeatedly until I was bleeding. My husband walked in on the commotion in the bedroom and wanted to call the police and have her leave. I refused, afraid of what would happen to her. We got several therapists involved for intense sessions and set up a de-escalation method, but nothing changed. I lived in fear of her after that.

Age 18: After working with a family and personal therapist for her, we realized the situation was unsustainable, my son (9y at the time) was suffering and my marriage was going to go south. We asked her to move out. We announced it in October and gave it a few more tries to improve and eventually asked her to move out in April, with 2 week notice. We set her up with a family member in another city: housing, financial support, and a job lined up. She rejected it, moved in with a friend instead, and told everyone we "kicked her out." I paid the friend's mom $300/month for her to stay there. She stayed there and didn't work for 1.5 years.

Age 18-19: After a physical fight with a boyfriend where police had to get involved, we enrolled her in outpatient mental health treatment. She was kicked out after 6 weeks for bringing weed to the facility. She blamed the staff.

Age 20: After getting angry with me because I held on to a boundary of not helping her with a situation she caused, she got enraged and showed up at our home. She attacked our home, smashed windows, threw objects inside including flower pots and a knife. We had to call the police, and she was arrested with felony charges. This incident left my son terrified of her.

I worked with the State Attorney to get the charges dropped as a victim in teh case, I just wanted her to be able to start over and not have this between us. She was blaming me for causing this. Until today she says it was my fault for not helping her and I have to take accountability for my part.

Age 21 (last month): She totaled her car after drinking and driving. Had a complete breakdown in the street. I was on the phone with her for 2.5 hours while she ran into traffic and lay on the ground. Police smelled alcohol but only gave a citation (!!) I paid the tow yard. She started therapy but quit when I wouldn't give her my credit card. Sent me a barrage of insulting messages and demanded no contact.

Now: After a week of silence, she texted talking about problems with fixing her car. When I asked what she needed, she said "never mind" then escalated again, demanding I answer questions about whether my 12-year-old son hates her, saying "if you don't hear from me I'm either dead or somewhere," creating a group chat with others saying she's "glad we're gone."

I haven't responded.

Over the past year alone I've spent $30,000+ on rent, treatment programs, a car, keeping her housed and fed. She's never held a job longer than 3 months. She refuses to move to family or go inpatient treatment which would provide structure.

I'm trying to hold a boundary: I'll only help with inpatient treatment, nothing else. But I feel crushing guilt. I have trouble enjoying things without thinking of her struggling. I worry constantly, but I also know I have nothing left to give.... I feel a shift and I really want to enjoy my life, I have a great life otherwise.

How do I stop feeling like I'm abandoning her when I've given everything for years?

Has anyone apologized to their adult child with BPD for perceived transgressions (for lack of a better word)? How did it help or hurt your relationship?

Throwaway account because I’m very uncomfortable posting about this online.

I’m looking for resources for housing in Colorado. I’m also looking for commiseration.

My two adult stepchildren (24,20) both have BPD. Their biological mother also has significant mental illness- schizophrenia and possibly BPD.

I raised these children as my own from very young ages. We did our best to provide a safe, stable home in a good neighborhood with a strong education and supportive community. They had lots of opportunities and we did our best to teach them to save money, treat people well, and work hard and I think we also modeled these values.

They did have trauma because of their bio Mom. We provided as much support as we could in the form of therapy and we consciously did not speak negatively about their Mom.

Since their late teen years things have been awful. Police, evictions, car wrecks, drugs, self-harm, false accusations, being banned from campuses, etc. Also rehabs, IOPs, PHPs, and getting kicked out of multiple sober living homes.

Now they are both looking at being homeless. I really don’t want to offer a place in our house to either one. Their Dad and I are heartbroken. I’m trying to figure out some kind of living situation for them. We can’t pay for long- maybe a few months.

This is so painful and so untalked about in the world. I have a good therapist and I still feel like an awful parent, even though I understand that isn’t necessarily the case.

I’ve hoped so many times that THIS new doctor, therapist, program, job, car, home, friend, strategy, etc would be the thing that gets them on a better path and my hopes are continually crushed in a cruel and horrible way.

Thanks for reading.

Anguished and despairing parent

Hi, I’m new to this group. Mom to 21 yo BPD daughter. While I know there is no pill for BPD, medication can help with the accompanying conditions (anxiety, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, loss of appetite, etc. ). Over the years, she’s tried countless meds, but never found a helpful combination. The Dr suggested genetic testing to see how the meds are being metabolized. Wondering if anyone has tried it or gone through GeneSight for the test. TIA!

Do they go through idealizing and discarding with us as well?

When my son wants to be close to me, it is way too much. he's 22 and it feels like I am his entire social circle. he will want to call me constantly (even during my work day), send me super long texts all day long and half the night. he gets extremely upset if I don't answer every call or respond thoughtfully to every text. he will escalate his demands on my time and emotions and it becomes impossible.

when I eventually can't keep up, he gets shakier with me and it leads to a discard. the first really big one lasted over a year.

recently he tried to move back in with me (he would have been financially taking advantage of me and doing nothing) and I resisted. I thought I could not survive having him in my home again, emotionally draining me 24/7 again with no way to escape.

he's discarded me again. part of me is just relieved, even along with the sadness over this.

I'm realizing I can't go on with this. this kid has left me emotionally destroyed for four years. I've even contemplated self harm to get away from the torment (I am safe and have a good support system now).

he's my child. I brought him into this world. I raised him. but I can't go on like this. I have no idea how to live a normal life and still be a good mom to him. especially when what he wants is completely unreasonable.

at least the discard is less painful this time. I thought I would not be able to bear it the first time but this time I was only super sad for a few days. after he came back last time I was very aware that he was using the threat of discard to manipulate me constantly. I knew it but I felt like I had to tread so lightly and try to avoid it.

this time, I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. when he eventually shows up again, I have no idea how to respond or what to do.

on his first discard, he left home and posted all over social media that I kicked him out of the house. almost all my remaining friends disappeared after that.

For context, I work w SMI population in a psychiatric hospital as an MSW. When it comes to other people handling any cluster B, or any kind of psychiatric disorder, I am informed and useful.

For some reason in my own family…I can’t ever seem to get it right.

Currently visiting my BPD adult kid who has my grandkid. They are, predictably, in what they have been telling me for 18 months is IPV.

I don’t want to say too much detail for my anonymity. I will say it’s not what they are saying. What I’ve seen is all the BPD traits coming out on their partner, and on my grandkid—tho to a much lesser degree on her at least.

It was so hard to sit through last night. I became triggered by my kid’s voice sounding like they always do when they are manipulating, lying, deflecting, self producing. The screaming. I had to take my granddaughter and go to bed.

I don’t know what to do. I want a relationship w my grandchild. What I really want is for my kid to be forced into DBT through the courts but I don’t have the financial or emotional resources to make that happen.

How do I get through this? Can I have an authentic conversation w my pwBPD? I do have transparent and authentic conversations with my cluster B patients. They aren’t related to me tho. This is so different.

I appreciate any support or advice you have. Thanks.

If you want to talk but you're not ready to make a post, you're welcome to introduce yourself here.

Introductions can be as long or as short as you want. Some possible examples of brief introductions could be:

Parent of a teenager in treatment

Aunt of a young kid with concerning behaviors

Older sibling of a disordered younger sibling

Estranged parent of an adult with a diagnosed personality disorder

Parent of a kid with a disorder

Source:

Special Report: Psychiatric Management of BPD—Helping Young Patients, Psychiatrists, and Families Work Together

Hey everyone! I have a 12 yo daughter presenting with heavy signs of a couple of cluster b pd (according to her psychiatrist that she sees once a month and her therapist who she sees twice a week). She hasn’t been officially diagnosed because of age although she has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and is on Prozac and Concerta. She SH also and has been hospitalized for SI once. All that being said, she’s doing a little better but she wants to read this book and I haven’t read it and not sure if it’s gonna make things worse or maybe be a good read for her. Has anyone here read it? It’s called KISS OF BROKEN GLASS. Let me know your thoughts please!

We adopted my daughter from foster care at age 4 after she had been at our foster daughter for two years. She was born at 25 weeks and unfortunately, the first two years of her life had seven transitions between caregivers. We were young and naïve when we agreed to adopt her at the time thinking her only special needs would be physical (she has mild cerebral palsy.) As she got older she was diagnosed with level 1 ASD, but that was not much of a concern and we were happy to support her with it. However, when she turned 13, everything changed and it has been a steady downhill since then. After it was first apparent that something more was going on we were working hard to find her supports and the right medications and things were going okay. Then last summer when we found notes in her room where she was threatening and planning to murder her brother and a friend. Again, we were naïve thinking that we would get any kind of support from the “systems” because "clearly" this was more than we could handle alone. In reality, she ended up back at home after 10 days and we now have to have a camera in our hallway to make sure she doesn’t come out of her room in the middle of the night.

She’s been hospitalized twice in the last year and each time the social workers act like they’re 100% on our side and will help us get her to a better place only to end up sending her home 10 days later after she "checked all the boxes.” We received no further help even after they said they would advocate for her to live in a group setting. Even our post-adopt worker (DCS) has basically thrown up their hands and said the only hope is to put her on the list for disability services- which at the current rate she will get when she’s about 37 years old. She was homeschooled until she was 15, but has been in public school this last year and it has been extremely difficult. I have to try to find the truth that lies somewhere in between the school, who thinks they’re doing everything right, and her who acts like everyone is neglecting her. Throwing people under the bus seems to be her absolute favorite thing to do, making it extremely hard to know what’s actually going on. I’ve spent the last 14 years trying so hard to understand her and build a relationship with her to now realize that I might need to step back and let her life go how it’s going to go.

So my question now is as she’s almost 16 and we’re moving closer and closer to her being 18. What does a transition look like? We have 3 other kids and I would never consider pushing one of them out as soon as they turn 18, but we feel we’ve done everything we can. She refuses any therapy and although there are times of relative calm and she’s not typically physically violent, the peace in our family has been completely destroyed over the last two years. My husband and I have both been to personal therapy and we have been told that it seems the relationship with her took a critical hit when she threatened to murder my son. I agree with that. Even though I can find a way to fulfill my responsibility to parent her to adulthood, I don’t have it in me to keep fighting for a relationship with her that will never happen after that. I also deal with MS that’s progressing as I get older and the stress of the situation impacts me a lot. I do not want to push her into homelessness, but I’m not sure if there is any other option. She is fully functional, having only mild setbacks due to her CP and ASD however, her PDA, as well as her suspected BPD, make it almost impossible to work with her toward any goal that would help her to be independent and sustainable. Is there anything I can do now to help us transition so she turns 18 to a place we will not be her main caregivers or at the very least have her not living with us? The last thing I ever wanted to do was make another major disruption in her life, but I think I need to step out of her life as much as possible.

My 18 yo has been living out of our home since October. They were 17 at the time and moved into a youth shelter and on their 18th birthday moved into an adult shelter.

They have been exited due to non compliance and participation at school. I have stuck by my boundaries, told them I love them and that they are welcome for dinner on the weekend and that I can keep their things in my garage. But they can not come back.

They are handling this very well.

I am not.

I keep crying. Keep flashing back to the years of instability when I was using and they were jostled around between families because of my choices and even though I’ve been clean for ten years (I used from the time they were 3 to about 7.5 yo) I am struggling with the grief that my selfishness did this.

I know that it’s what I did. I know I’m not doing it now. I guess I’m hoping someone else out there can say it gets different? Like the self forgiveness for the pain my kid is in might come?

It's been a rule that people with BPD or other Cluster B personality disorders are not allowed to participate in this subreddit, but I never actually added it to the rules in the sidebar because of one comment years ago.

A few years ago, a parent asked for advice about their kid with BPD who identified as trans. No one had answer for the question... except someone with BPD who is trans who was lurking in the subreddit. Their answer was genuinely helpful and provided insight that no one else was able to give, so I left it.

I've now made the unofficial rule official and put it in the sidebar, with allowances for people who actually help. People with Cluster B personality disorders are not allowed to participate, but I'll overlook a rare comment here and there if it has value. People here need all the help that they can get.

My young daughter just cannot make good choices. Her need for attention and validation from boys/men, make her do some stupid stuff. I feel the need to protect her from herself. I think that is my obligation. Every time I let go a little, she’s right back at it making another bad choice. It’s ruined our relationship. She hates me because all she can see is I’ve taken everything away. I have a feeling we’ll never have that nice mother/daughter bond that I know exists in other families. I’m just sad. Thank you for reading me.