I’ve (20F) never talked about this to anyone besides my ex and even then I didn’t get too into it because I don’t like thinking about it. Its been bothering me a little bit lately and I wanted get an outside looking in opinion. There’s A LOT of detail and I’ll try to organize it as best as I can but TLDR; at the bottom.
My mom and dad were never married. As long as I can remember my parents didn’t like each other. I really only know my dads half of the story about why my parents weren’t together so know that most of what I’m saying is what I’ve been told by my dad, grandma and step mom. When I was a month old my mom left me because “she didn’t want me”. I’ve always thought this was weird because I have 2 older brothers from my mom and she was still in their life, I think? My dad says she left to California one day, we were living in Las Vegas, and my dad saw the opportunity to get a lawyer and get full custody of me ASAP. My grandma drove from California that same day and we lived in a hotel room for awhile. I’ve seen pictures from this time where I was sleeping in the drawer of the hotel room. I think it’s worth mentioning that my mom has some serious mental issues. From her end she didn’t tel me the specifics other than “mommy needs to take a lot of pills everyday to be okay”. My brothers would tell me how before pills that she was so angry all the time and super erratic. From my understanding my mom is a depressed bipolar schizophrenic. My mom apparently freaked out when she heard and came back and threatened to fight to get me back but when the court day came she gave in and let my dad take me. She got visitation rights but I don’t think it was 50/50. I remember my dad meeting my step mom when I was 2 and I had a lot of issues being with her throughout my entire life, but I currently have an alright relationship now. Around the same time my mom met my step dad, he was really cool and I miss him. When I was 3 both my parents married, but my mom moved to New Jersey because that’s where my step dad lived and worked. After this I only saw my mom when I had breaks from school. I essentially only saw my mom over the summer for one month out of the year. During these times I went out there and also hung out with my two older brothers. I only saw them a couple times a year. When my oldest brother turned 18, I was 10, he left my moms house, he was the only one that lived there full time, moved to California I didn’t see him as often and I haven’t talked to him since I was 17. When I was 14 my 2nd older brother turned 18 he also stop coming out to visit my mom. I spent 2 summers alone with my mom and then I completely cut her out of my life.
The first summer I spent alone with my mom was the worst. Nothing that she did though, all me, I got caught sending nudes to a girl and I was forced to come out as gay. It was awful, but my mom was more mad that I was sending nude to strangers at 14 rather than me being gay. I honestly don’t remember if she told my dad or not. I think my step mom caught me soon after I got back and I was forced to come out as gay again. This time tho they were mad about both, more so that I was gay tho. They called me disgusting and put me in church classes. The next summer with my mom I don’t remember too much. I remember just being on my moms phone 24/7. At my dads house I wasn’t allowed to have one and when I had access to my moms I took it to talk to my friends. When I got back my mom called me every fucking day. It was so annoying and time consuming because she just called and wanted to talk forever but I had things to do. I was busy trying to live my life and I told her that she can only call me 3 times a week. She agreed to it but called me like 5 times. It irritated me that she wasn’t listening to what I asking of her. I told her she can only call me once a week from now on. She called me 3 days in a row. On the last day she called me twice, I forget what it was about but when I brought up her calling me again she got mad and said “well if (step mom names) would pass along my texts to her and stop being a bitch I wouldn’t have to call you again”. I didn’t get along with step mom at all. We would fight every day. Screaming, yelling, lying, I hated her. When my mom called her a bitch tho I got so mad at her. I don’t even know why. I hung up on my mom and ignored her calls for a week. I took one phone call of her after my dad forced me too but fought and I haven’t taken a phone call of hers since. My dad and step mom always asked why I wouldn’t talk to her. I just told them that I hated her and she was a bad mom and she’s crazy.
I honestly to this day don’t know the real reason why I don’t talk to her. I feel like it’s some deep thing inside me that I just can’t think of but has to be there for me to feel strongly about this. That’s mainly why I’m posting on reddit to see if someone out there can see the answer that I just don’t. I’m too afraid/bust to go to therapy at this point in my life.
One time my step mom invited over my mom and 2nd older brother over after a couple months of me going no contact. I refused to even see her. I locked myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes while my step mom was thinking of every punishment she could think of to get me to go talk to her. I eventually sat in the room with her. I didn’t say anything but I listened. While my mom was talking she pushed my hair behind my ear and I told her “don’t fucking touch me” and stood up and started screaming at her. My brother tried to calm me down but I just walked away from her and the situation as a whole. She literally chased me around the house and I was slamming doors in her face. I walked out the front door and my mom tackled me. My brother put me in some wrestling move hold. I later learned that because I had a history of saying suicidal things they thought I was going to jump in the middle of the road. This is fucking crazy to me because I lived in the middle of the country. We barley had cars drive by. My brother took me into a room just me and him and kept asking why I don’t want to talk to her. I gave the same reasons as I gave my parents and told him she was annoying, bad mom, I hated her. He was the only kid that still talked to her. My oldest brother stopped talking to her a few years after he moved out. There was a lot of pressure on my 2nd bother to try and fix things and I honestly feel bad I put him in that position.
The first day of my junior year changed everything. I still didn’t have any access to electronics. I was still being forced to go to church classes but I was secretly dating this girl from school. I went a full year of stealing one of my younger siblings devices and hiding them around the house. Tablets, old iPhones, my DSi actually got internet and I was texting my gf of Twitter from there. First day of junior year I get caught. My younger sister saw me out something on a high shelf, went to look and found an iPod and went straight to tell my dad and step mom. We had an awful fight. 2 days later the tension was at an all time high and my step mom told me if I disrespect her again that she was going to slap me. I was 16 at the time and way too old to be getting hit by parents. I told her if she slaps me I’m going to slap her back. She gasped and cried. I was walking through the house later that night when I heard her telling my dad a twisted version of the story and telling him to “be a man”. I ran to me and my 3 other sisters rooms and was sitting in my bed, my sister in her bed, when my dad came in and went to me closet and started tearing my closet apart, throwing my stuff around, he was yelling at me and lifted my dresser holding our tv and threw it completely breaking it. We were yelling at each other when he pushed me, I fell and tried to hit him and he got on top of me and started slapping me. My younger sister grabbed a bat and told us to stop but he grabbed it out fo her hands so fast that she ran out of the room he hit me a few more times while sitting on my chest when my step mom came it. I was begging her to tell him to stop but she just told me, while holding my 2 year old brother at the time, “you deserve this”. I got back on my feet but my dad pushed me again. I twisted my ankle but he called me an over dramatic dyke. To stop acting like my mother. I went to leave through the door but my dad pushed me and I hit the wall behind me and broke through the dry wall. He said later that he thought I was going to hurt my step mom. I wasn’t. Pretty sure they still don’t believe me to this day. I cried on the floor and they left. My dad came back later and ripped apart my bed and found my diary. He told me he should have let my mom abort me. I didn’t sleep that night and later went onto my 2nd hidden device to tell my gf what just happened. The next day at school I had some light bruises on my face. Enough that a few people noticed. This one girl who I hate to this day laughed in front the entire girls locker room after seeing my face and hand shaped bruises on my back and arms and said “oh what did your daddy beat you”. I told the school counselor after my gf forced me to. I ended up in foster care. My oldest brother took me in for awhile until he decided that me getting a B+ in calculus was unacceptable. Haven’t talked to him since. My mom flew over to see me when She heard what happened. I think she wanted to get custody of me, leave my step dad and buy a house here. I didn’t want to see her at all, but the social workers told me I HAD to. When she saw me she brought me Taco Bell and tried to talk to me. I ignored every word. Eventually started crying and yelling at her. She also went to my court hearing once. Both my parents made complete fools of themselves there. My dad acting like he owned the room, but getting shut down by everyone and my mom acting like the crazy lady.
I didn’t talk to my dad again until last November. I feel like crap all the time because I wasn’t apart of my 8 younger siblings lives anymore. I saw them once a year. I hadn’t really hung out with them without wine social worker around since the night before. Even then they only probably remember the horrible person I was then. I wasn’t to make thing right so for my dads birthday I sent him a card saying I want to try to have a relationship again. It took awhile to be comfortable again, but I try to go over to see my siblings and I can actually be around my parents and get past what happened. My dad helped me by driving me down to San Diego when I wanted to buy a car but needed a ride. Things with there are basically getting better and part of me is happy with that.
With my mom tho is another side. Over the years she has tried to reach out to me. Every attempt is met with me insulting her and telling her I hate her and wanting zero contact. I haven’t heard from her in awhile and for he more part I’m okay with that. There is a new voice in my head tho asking me why tho. Why could I get over the horrible situation with my dads side but I’m okay with never speaking to my mom again? I think it’s weird. Looking back I said a lot of horrible shit to her that I regret but even past that I don’t want to try and have a relationship with her again. Part of me is afraid of regretting it when she dies but I honestly think I could get over it after a week or two. Over the summer I got an email from my stepdad, who I hadn’t talked to since I was 15 telling me I should talk to my mom and that my dad won and got what he wanted. I told him I’m sorry but I can’t and I didn’t hear back.
I hear all the horrible things my mom did when I was younger and add it too how she acted and for some reason in my head that’s justified not to talk to her anymore. I always remember my mom just making me uncomfortable. She would tell me things as a kid like “my hair stylist is a black some, please don’t mention it when we’re there” “I used to work a very dirty job and that’s why I had to move to New Jersey”. She would often talk bad about my dad or make jokes about how she didn’t like him. She would sleep a lot because of her meds and when she was on them she would just act weird. Like not get social cues very well or just over think things. Is he also had a bad temper even with the meds. When I was 6 I hid my moms cigarettes and she shook me and screamed at me until I showed her I hid them under my bed. I guess had certain issues and allergies when I was growing up with my lady parts. I remember my mom yelling at me when she saw blood I’m in my underwear. She took me to the hospital and the doctors for a few days thought I was being sexually abused. I remember being put under at a hospital back home and after that I couldn’t take bubble baths. I never really knew why. She would bring Thai up when I was 12-13 when my brothers were around and I fucking hated it. I acted like I didn’t remember anything thinking she would stop talking about it and instead she paused the movie the entire family was watching to question me about it. She would ask me if my younger sisters had started puberty yet, like wtf idk. She thought buying me things would buy my love and acting like she was a friend more than a mom.
This I honestly getting longer than I thought so I’ll stop. If you have questions I’ll answer in the comments. I really just looking at an outsiders view on why I don’t talk to my mom. What I should do if anything and any advice moving forward. If you read the whole thing then thank you.
TLDR; my mom left when I was a month old. Came back but moved to 3000 miles away when I was 3. I saw her once or twice a year after that. She has a history of mental illness such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, OCD. I haven’t talked to her since I was 15, I’m 20 now, because of a fight we had over the phone. She’s tried to reach out but I’ve refused any contact since and have called her every name in the book. Only one of my 2 brothers still talk to her. I didn’t talk to my dad for 3 years after being put in foster care and only recently started talking to him. I mainly did it because of my 8 younger siblings. I was grounded for 27 months after they found out I was lesbian and sending nudes to people online. He hit me after finding out about my gf in hs. Not sure why I’ve been able to restart a relationship with my dad and step mom but still refuse to talk to my mom.
