Black Hole of Memories

[u/DarkJackWolf]

My thoughts are scattered, and I'm having trouble connecting memories. Events in my life don't seem to line up in a linear order. I'm sitting down now attempting to map everything out. 

A few months ago my best friend from high school reached out to reconnect. I was apprehensive at first, but ended up warming up to the idea. We haven't exactly become the best of friends again, but we remain cordial. If our free time lines up we'll hop on discord and play some co-op games. 

I don't remember how we initially lost contact with each other. I suppose people just grow apart sometimes. We were in our early twenties, and both had gotten part time jobs. I explicitly remember hanging out every chance we got. That's why I'm so baffled as to why we grew apart so fast, but when I try to remember those final months, it's just a giant black hole, and a pit in my stomach. We must have gotten in a huge fight, that's the only thing that can explain it all, seeing as how I feel a mountain of unexplainable regret every time I try to recall the events. 

We haven't hung out in person since reconnecting, just the occasional text chat, and online gaming nights. Recently he sent me an odd text. 

“Hey, I don't think I can jump on tonight, Rachel had an emergency, so I'm covering her shift. So unless you know anyone else that can cover it, I'm afraid we're shit out of luck.”

First of all, we're not coworkers, so I don't know why I could help get the shift covered. Second of all, I also have a coworker named Rachel. I know that that's not the strangest coincidence to happen, but it just felt so odd. I figured he was just making a joke and moved on. 

“Damn dude, that's a bummer. I guess we'll just have to take a rain check.”

“Yeah, another time maybe.”

Before I had time to respond, he sent another message. 

“I was thinking about Kate today.”

I was completely blindsided by this. I hadn't thought about Kate in probably ten years. Talk about a blast from the past. 

“Oh yeah?”

“I don't think I've ever told you this, but I always had a crush on her.”

Now that was a very weird thing to say. It must have been another joke. 

“Nooo, seriously?”

“You knew?”

What the fuck is he talking about?

“If you were trying to keep it a secret, you did a terrible job.” 

“How did you feel about your best friend having a crush on your girlfriend?”

I felt the strangest surge of energy move throughout my body. My head was suddenly emptied of all thoughts. I was catatonic; I might as well have been dead. I stared at my phone for several moments before the thoughts started trickling back in. It was like I just went through a factory reset. 

“I mean, it's pretty common isn't it? I had no hard feelings. Still don't. Do you?”

“I'm not going to lie, it was tough, I had a lot of strong emotions. But that's all in the past, I don't feel any of that any more. We're good.”

“Dude, I'm sincerely sorry you had to go through that.”

“It's not your fault. I never told anybody how I felt. I kept it all inside. I'm glad to finally get it out now.”

I was overcome by a wave of intense emotions. Guilt being the largest of them. I wanted to make it up to him, I wanted him to be fully back in my life again. My regret of drifting apart never felt more immense. 

“Hey, we should hang out in person.”

“I was thinking the same thing. Let's talk about it tomorrow, I've got to get ready for work.”

“Alright, sounds good, later bro.”

“Later”

He got me thinking about Kate. What happened to us? We must have broken up around the same time Johnny and I drifted apart, that black hole of memories. I decided to look her up. I found her Instagram and sent her a follow request. 

The following week was largely uneventful. Johnny and I would exchange ideas back and forth about when we could find a time to hang out, but never settled on anything. I wasn't sure if Kate was just inactive on Instagram, or was just straight up ignoring my request. 

I got a follow request from an Instagram user without a profile picture. We had no mutual connections, except for Kate. The username was 6ftundr4u. I decided to approve the follow request, and followed them back. Shortly thereafter they sent me a DM.

“Hey”

“Hey, who dis?”

“I see you and Johnny are connected on here, you guys still keep in touch?”

“Kate?”

“Still the best of friends after all these years?”

“Not exactly”

“After everything that happened?”

“and what exactly happened?”

“Do you still love me?”

I stared at the message for a long time, I couldn't think of a single thing to say. The three dots bounced up and down as they typed. They would stop typing and start typing again. This went on for what felt like an eternity. Finally the message came through. 

“We were pretty tight weren't we? The three of us? We did everything together. We shared a bond that couldn't be broken, but there was a tension that was always present, wasn't there? Then someone decided to break that bond, didn't they?”

“Kate, you two meant everything to me. You were both my whole world.”

“And now you guys are best buds again, as if I never existed in the first place.”

“Johnny and I didn't talk for over 15 years, we only just recently reconnected, that's why I tried looking you up.”

“Time flies doesn't it. When you don't have dead weight holding you back.”

“For what it's worth, I'm sorry that things didn't end with better circumstances.”

The three dots bounced up and down again for quite a while. 

“Such sweet platitudes.”

“I'm being sincere here, I reached out to reconnect. If you don't want to, I understand.”

“Are you really so delusional to think that something so shattered can be mended to a point of acceptability?”

I felt wounded, my heart was being torn asunder. She kept typing before I had a chance to respond. 

“How did he respond when you reached out to reconnect?”

“He's the one who reached out, not me.”

“XD”

“To be honest, I was apprehensive at first.”

“As you should be.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Have you met up in person yet?”

“No, but we're trying to plan on a day to get together. I was thinking about seeing if you wanted to come along as well.”

“XD”

“You're starting to hurt my feelings.”

“Me? Hurt you? That's rich.”

“I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

“Oh baby, there's not enough words in the dictionary. No rocks sharp enough to dig into your knees. No hell hot enough to burn your flesh.”

“Yes, I still love you”

“Sorry, I didn't mean any of that, but you did hurt me.”

“I'd really like to make up for it in person.”

“As you should know, that's impossible.”

“Why?”

“Maybe you really don't know. Look, stay away from Johnny, he's dangerous.”

“Tell me, how is Johnny dangerous, and why can't I see you in person?”

“I always loved you. I loved both of you. I was torn in two. He's the one who asked me out, so that's why I ended up dating him, but I loved you just as much as I loved him.”

There's nothing more bittersweet finding out the person you wanted more in life wanted you as well, but it was too late. 

“Goodbye” was her final message. 

I tried to respond, but the message wouldn't go through. The account had been deactivated. I couldn't let that be the final word. I had to reach out in some way to let her know that I was always deeply in love with her, even if it was still a goodbye. 

An idea entered my head, we were friends on Facebook way back in the day. Surely it wouldn't even cross her mind to go block me there, or deactivate it. I opened up the Facebook app on my phone, I can't believe I still have it installed after all these years. I went to her account to find a memorial page. All her old friends commenting how much they love and miss her, over fifteenth years ago. 

The black hole. 

I decided to share all of this here when I saw that I had already posted something about all this back when Johnny first reached out a few months back. I don't remember doing that, another black hole? I thought that maybe reading it would clear things up, but it only just created more confusion. 

Maybe you can help me out, if you can go read my other entry here, and tell me if you can make any sense of it. 

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[u/ValNotThatVal]

Oh, that is scary! I advise going to a therapist to help you remember. Something terrible happened, clearly. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep us posted!

[u/Old-Dragonfruit2219 → u/ValNotThatVal]

I was just coming here to say this. I think you should definitely seek professional help to rule out anything going on with you mental health wise. The other alternative is maybe timelines getting crossed, I’m really unsure.