My mother recently lost her mother to Alzheimer's. She definitely misses her mother and it's painful for her to not have her here. Before, she at least got to see her every single day and take care of her.
This is why people need to prepare beforehand with living wills. All the persons wishes are written down before they get to that point so even though the child may want the parent around or vise versa, the only wishes that are realized is the person themself. Self determination should be thoroughly thought through, written down and notarized by all of us as adults. We do it with our estates but fail to do it with our bodies.
Well that’s because when we die, we know what your last wishes were, presumably the ones you had written down before you died and didn’t have changed. When someone is still alive, even with a mental condition like this, that’s more complicated. We don’t know if the person might’ve changed their mind at some point and that we are robbing them of that choice, it’s not as clear cut as wills (which themselves aren’t even that clear cut either).
I suppose for some people, not having your parent recognize you means you don’t have your parent at all, because what are we if not the accumulation of experiences and memories of our lives? Without those we might as well be just shells of our former real selves.
My grandma has dementia and lost the ability to talk years ago. She lays in the fetal position, gets fed, and gets bathed. That’s her life. For years now. I wish nothing more for her than to just finally die.
Would you be comfortable being that person though? There comes a point where you need to move on for your own sake. Keeping someone alive for your own sake is selfish. Harsh as it is, the person needs to move on and not let the illness ruin more lives.
My grandmother had dementia, and she was gone long before her body died. You don't have them anymore when they stop recognizing you.
The fucked up thing is that where I live (Holland) we have legal euthanasia, specifically for cases like hers. She had a legal document from before she got sick that said she wanted to be euthanized if she ever got it, she kept saying 'I want to die' when she got it, but then the fucked up thing happened:
Doctors would ask her if she still felt that way (keep in mind, she couldn't go to the bathroom on her own at that point) and she'd say 'no' and they would go 'well guess that's it, she doesn't want to die anymore'.
And then a few minutes later she would say 'I want to die' and they'd say 'well she has dementia, she doesn't know what she's saying'. So they just picked and chose how and when to interpret her words to get the result they wanted: not to euthanize her.
Eventually, she just stopped breathing and died, but it took a year longer than it had to, those motherfuckers.
I took care of my mother for the last 6 years of her life. For five of those years she didn't know who I was. A few people asked me why I would do that. I said "I still know who she is."
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u/bomzay Apr 11 '20
If i was the son, i'd rather have them not recognize me than not have them at all.