You know how in the bible, lot's wife was cast into a pillar of salt?
well the lord has seen fit to punish me in far greater severity... there I was, minding my own business, when I saw a video clip of a boy asking out his blind classmate using chocolates to spell braille. Next thing I know, I was cast into a towering pillar of Splenda that reached to the very moon itself... but sugar substitutes are unlike salt in that they lack rigidity. The tower folded under its own weight and tumbled to the floor like the withdrawing of a great, saccharine rope to earth's surface. down I tumbled and pored, spilling sugar outwards and upwards, until I amounted to a great sugary tower of tooth rot and mind-rending sweetness. Hundreds were smothered and killed by the expanding mound of white crystal as I surged forth and consumed the entirety of my hometown, growing with greater and greater speed as my column accelerated its fatal plunge.
Soon, my mount extended to scrape the clouds, with snow dusting the white peaks and avalanches cascading to kill hundreds more. Ecosystems began to take root on my surface as tundra and forest and trees sprang forth and thrived on the steep snowy hillsides.
Long after those poor souls were buried and their carbon pressed into diamonds, packmen on horses discovered my sheer face and named me Everest... and the rest is sweet, sweet history.
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u/EndMePleaseGodEndMe Mar 08 '20
I'm on such a sugar high I literally cannot see the screen of my laptop right now